How to Phase Oneself Out of a Social Circle?

[Ambitiousmould]

Without going into massive detail, there's a group of people I hang around with at Uni. They're basically nice, decent people, but I am so bad socially that I'm fairly certain that the only reason they still allow me hang around is because they think I'm autistic or something, and feel some misplaced obligation because they got stuck with me for a group project last academic year.

Pretty much every day I manage to fuck up enough socially to make me lose sleep because I'm too busy cringing and being pissed off at myself. Today, as a direct result of me being socially inept, I fucked up. Really, really badly. Several times in the space of about 10 minutes I just made social blunder after social cock-up. I'm astonished no-one punched me, but no one even called me out on it (like I said, nice people). After some more bugger ups I literally said, "Can I go?" and got a reasonably enthusiastic, "Yes".

My Question: How do I phase myself out of the group with minimal awkwardness? We share a timetable at Uni so I'm mostly in the same sessions.

I don't want to just blatantly fuck off because I don't want to think I'm pissed of with them, and I don't want to just explain why I'm going to fuck off because I don't want them think I'm attention seeking (he says, as he posts his issue on an online forum). This leaves me with the option of gradually fucking off, but I need help there because I have all the social grace of racist chimp.

Sorry for rambling. Any and all help is greatly appreciated. Cheers in advance.

 

[theglasscannon]

Hi

First, and absolutely most importantly, do you actually WANT to leave this social circle? Or are you looking to leave because you think they don't want you around?

If the latter is true (which, judging from your post, I believe it is) then I really, really strongly recommend that you don't excuse yourself and leave. I bet you'd be amazed to discover that all the time you think you've been making social faux-pas and "upsetting" people that actually they aren't all that bothered, or that maybe they don't even notice! We are all guilty of obsessing over our social mistakes, and you wouldn't be the first person who'd spent hours worrying about how you put your foot in it by saying something awkward, only to discover that no-one else is making as much of a big deal of it as you are.

It's nice of you to be so self-reflective about your behaviour because it shows you are a naturally conscientious and compassionate person, however it's important you don't obsess over this and don't allow it to dictate your life and future social interactions. Even if this social circle isn't the most exciting in the world, if you make an excuse now and leave then it could develop into a habit later in life so that whenever you are faced with a slightly awkward new social situation (be it with new friends, work colleagues, potential partners - and these are ALWAYS going to be slightly stressful and awkward) that you make a similar excuse to leave. Ultimately you will be the one who suffers in the future because and you will naturally miss out on new experiences and all the associated serendipities of life that can happen when you take a chance and meet new people.

So, don't excuse yourself and leave, and try to spend less time obsessing about past behaviour and more time (if you still want to be self-reflective) thinking about how you'll act the next time you're with them.

Finally I'll just say that even if you are as "socially awkward" as you think (which I highly doubt, we're always worse in hindsight) this doesn't mean you are a negative person to be around! I had someone I hung out with at university who was slightly awkward and had a habit of being blunt, almost to the point of being rude. However I thought he was great! I found his honestly refreshing among a plethora of people putting on a front and trying to impress. Culturally, you don't have to look far to see many characters in fiction that are defined by this sort of social honesty - be it Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter, or Shelton from the Big Bang Theory. It is no coincidence that these characters are often both adored as cult heroes and identified with by many young adults.

Take a chance and stick with them I say.

PS. If I've totally misread the situation and you find this group tedious and want to leave of your own accord, ignore everything I just said

 

[Saint of M]

Being autistic and equally socially awkward, I will have to go with Theglasscannon. What ended up helping me was taking a few extra classes in psychology, communications, and sociology (classes that apparently put me on a Business major, who knew). The reason being as an autistic the parts of the brain that help with communication and reading other people never quite developed as well as they should have or are very late blooming, so I dealt with this with classes to help me understand my fellow human beings.

 

[Ambitiousmould]

Snip

Thanks for this. It's certainly made me think. As to that question, I don't particularly want to leave as such but I'm not close with them by any means. I literally only talk to them in Uni sessions, and spend my breaks and between sessions somewhere else, so I wouldn't be overly bothered if I left that circle. But honestly I think my error bad enough that I ought to quietly fuck off, so how would I?

Also snip

Good advice, but Uni in the UK works a bit differently than the US. We pick one course at the start and stick with it. To do any other courses we have to start over. There are some chances to do the odd mini-class thing at some Unis, depending on what they offer, but my Uni's a bit shit and doesn't offer anything much. Otherwise it might have helped. I do struggle a bit with reading people.

The thing is I know I can't really make any social fuck ups with my proper friends because they're either A) As bad as me socially or B) We have the kind of friendship where we say what we want to each other because no one takes it seriously. We call each other "****" more than we use our names, that sort of thing. The result is that I can be a proper insensitive bastard when it comes talking informally. Formally (business, job interviews, etc.) I'm fine. I'm rambling again.

Any more advice on quietly fucking off? Cheers

 

[Albino Boo]

You are going to spend a large chunk of the next 40 years in the company of people, that by choice, you wouldn't spend time with. You are going to have to learn how to manage day to day relationships with people at some point, so it may as well be now. Currently if things go wrong it has no consequence, in the workplace that is not the case.

 

[Ambitiousmould]

You are going to spend a large chunk of the next 40 years in the company of people, that by choice, you wouldn't spend time with. You are going to have to learn how to manage day to day relationships with people at some point, so it may as well be now. Currently if things go wrong it has no consequence, in the workplace that is not the case.

Holy fucking shit. I never saw it that way. Just grow a pair a learn deal with shit while there's minimum risk. Makes sense, thanks.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Could you give us an example? That way we could judge whether you've actually caused irreparable damage through your social blunders, or if you might have anxiety or something that is causing you to exaggerate. If it's the latter dealing with your anxiety might be a better strategy than distancing yourself from your acquaintances.

 

[Ambitiousmould]

Could you give us an example? That way we could judge whether you've actually caused irreparable damage through your social blunders, or if you might have anxiety or something that is causing you to exaggerate. If it's the latter dealing with your anxiety might be a better strategy than distancing yourself from your acquaintances.

I'd rather not share the details, but I can assure that I don't have any sort of anxiety. I've met people with anxiety, and I'm know from that that I'm just socially inept.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Well if it's as bad as you make it sound in the OP it's probably a bit late to worry about offending them. Just lie about being busy, excuse yourself to go study in the library when you share free time, stuff like that.

I know that when I'm obligated to hang out with someone who I dislike or find annoying, I don't sit around worrying whether they're mad at me or attention seeking if they start being distant. I'm just relieved that I was able to get away from them without having to be explicitly rude. (Semi-)enthusiastically agreeing that you should leave sounds like they might even be waiting for you to take the hint.