How To **** Up Your Life: A Simple Guide

[Einspanner]

http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-36716288

It all starts off with a bit of "Maybe this is just pointless outrage?" vibe.

An actress, whose memoir about her student gap year trip doing aid work in Africa has provoked a large online backlash, says she is dismayed by the negative reaction to her book.

Louise Linton has been accused of exhibiting a "white saviour complex" in "In Congo's Shadow: One girl's perilous journey to the heart of Africa" which recounts her time in Zambia where she volunteered as an 18-year-old in 1999.

So far, not so bad. People can be really oversensitive sometimes, right?

In the book, Linton writes about a night she spent in hiding from the threat of "armed rebels" in her village and describes herself as a "central character" in the events. "I tried not to think what the rebels would do to the 'skinny white Muzungu with long angel hair' if they found me." A sentence that has offended many users on twitter.

Well that seems both unlikely, and a little tactless. A point made by some on Twiter...

Still, seems a bit harsh.

I try to remember a smiling gap-toothed child with HIV whose greatest joy was to sit on my lap and drink from a bottle of Coca-Cola," she writes. "Zimba taught me many beautiful words but the one I like the most is Nsansa. Happiness."

Oh fucking wow. I get it now.

This sentence prompted a parody account in the name of Zimba, the six-year-old orphan who Linton spent time with in Zambia.

Heh.

Oh Zimba, you lovable scamp!

Bonus!

Spoiler

It gets worse though, much much worse.

...As the #LintonLies hashtag began to trend, others spotted what they regarded as discrepancies in Linton's account. In the passage, in which Linton describes a night she spent in hiding. She writes: "As monsoon season came and went, the Hutu-Tutsi conflict in neighbouring (sic) Congo began to escalate and then spill over into Zambia with repercussions all along the lake." But some have questioned who Linton was hiding from.

Oh boy, a claim!

This is the kind of story that makes me re-watch 'Green Inferno'.

You? I assume that most of you are sufficiently worldly that an actress bullshitting in a book doesn't shock you, but this is admittedly terrible judgement.

 

[Zontar]

This reminds me of my time in Vietnam. Was 1963 and I was only 17, about an hour's flight out of Saigon and I came across a town of orphans that where about to be sold off to China by the Viet Kong until I dispatched them.

Now some will point out I "wouldn't be born for another three decades" or "have never set foot in Asia", but those are just minor details that are easy to mix up, like being a US Secretary forgetting that your trip to Bosnia was uneventful instead of under sniper fire.

 

[Pirate Of PC Master race]

Haha. Only thing people want to see is someone getting ripped apart by mad mobs, figuratively speaking.

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

 

[tippy2k2]

This reminds me of my time in Vietnam. Was 1963 and I was only 17, about an hour's flight out of Saigon and I came across a town of orphans that where about to be sold off to China by the Viet Kong until I dispatched them.

Now some will point out I "wouldn't be born for another three decades" or "have never set foot in Asia", but those are just minor details that are easy to mix up, like being a US Secretary forgetting that your trip to Bosnia was uneventful instead of under sniper fire.

I, Brian Williams, can corroborate Zontars story.

[small]Are...are Brian William jokes still cool? I'm cool, right guys?!!?[/small]

 

[Pirate Of PC Master race]

This reminds me of my time in Vietnam. Was 1963 and I was only 17, about an hour's flight out of Saigon and I came across a town of orphans that where about to be sold off to China by the Viet Kong until I dispatched them.

So did you dispatched orphans or slavers? Either way, slavery has been prevented. Justice have been served.

 

[Einspanner]

This reminds me of my time in Vietnam. Was 1963 and I was only 17, about an hour's flight out of Saigon and I came across a town of orphans that where about to be sold off to China by the Viet Kong until I dispatched them.

Now some will point out I "wouldn't be born for another three decades" or "have never set foot in Asia", but those are just minor details that are easy to mix up, like being a US Secretary forgetting that your trip to Bosnia was uneventful instead of under sniper fire.

I, Brian Williams, can collaborate Zontars story.

[small]Are...are Brian William jokes still cool? I'm cool, right guys?!!?[/small]

You leave that blue-eyed angel alone!! HE'S SUFFERED ENOUGH!

WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE BRITTNEY ALONE?!?!?!

Wait, huh?

 

[Zontar]

This reminds me of my time in Vietnam. Was 1963 and I was only 17, about an hour's flight out of Saigon and I came across a town of orphans that where about to be sold off to China by the Viet Kong until I dispatched them.

So did you dispatched orphans or slavers? Either way, slavery has been prevented. Just have been served.

Let's just say Napalm doesn't discriminate and leave it at that.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

This reminds me of my time in Vietnam. Was 1963 and I was only 17, about an hour's flight out of Saigon and I came across a town of orphans that where about to be sold off to China by the Viet Kong until I dispatched them.

Now some will point out I "wouldn't be born for another three decades" or "have never set foot in Asia", but those are just minor details that are easy to mix up, like being a US Secretary forgetting that your trip to Bosnia was uneventful instead of under sniper fire.

Zontar, what the FUCK does this have to do with Vietnam man? Face it, there isn't any connection. Your Roll.

 

[Zontar]

This reminds me of my time in Vietnam. Was 1963 and I was only 17, about an hour's flight out of Saigon and I came across a town of orphans that where about to be sold off to China by the Viet Kong until I dispatched them.

Now some will point out I "wouldn't be born for another three decades" or "have never set foot in Asia", but those are just minor details that are easy to mix up, like being a US Secretary forgetting that your trip to Bosnia was uneventful instead of under sniper fire.

Zontar, what the FUCK does this have to do with Vietnam man? Face it, there isn't any connection. Your Roll.

Well this lady went to an African country, and I figure Vietnam is right next to Cambodia and that's in Africa, right? So there's your connection.

 

[OldNewNewOld]

This reminds me of my time in Vietnam. Was 1963 and I was only 17, about an hour's flight out of Saigon and I came across a town of orphans that where about to be sold off to China by the Viet Kong until I dispatched them.

Now some will point out I "wouldn't be born for another three decades" or "have never set foot in Asia", but those are just minor details that are easy to mix up, like being a US Secretary forgetting that your trip to Bosnia was uneventful instead of under sniper fire.

Wait, what?
Explain that part about some US Secretary my country being under sniper fire please.

 

[mad825]

....So what I wanna know is that are we expecting another resignation to add to the list?

 

[MeatMachine]

Man, some people are just LOOKING to tear down others for no reason at all. I sure hope they don't try to find holes in my upcoming memoir about my bold escape from and eventual liberation of New Auschwitz. I guess some people just feel their lives lack excitement, and make up for it by trying to exploit the suffering of others for their own personal egocentric gain... pitiful that they try to ride off the work of great people such as myself.

 

[Bobular]

This reminds me of my time in Vietnam. Was 1963 and I was only 17, about an hour's flight out of Saigon and I came across a town of orphans that where about to be sold off to China by the Viet Kong until I dispatched them.

Now some will point out I "wouldn't be born for another three decades" or "have never set foot in Asia", but those are just minor details that are easy to mix up, like being a US Secretary forgetting that your trip to Bosnia was uneventful instead of under sniper fire.

I too was there at the time and may have seen you once or twice. However I was with the native noble savages the Vietnamese, or Viet Kong as they prefer, working as a undercover journalist. All it took was a fancy new wig to disguise my blond hair and I was accepted as one of their tribe.

Did you know that the Viet Kong don't have a word for burning orphans? But they have 17.5 different words for cheese?

I remember fondly my times in the Vietnamese deserts in the hart of Africa, but the memory that sticks in my side the most was when I negotiated peace between the Viet Kong and the invading Canadians. It is quite safe to say the world would probably still be fighting World War 3 in Viet Kong Land if I hadn't managed to bring then Canadian president George Bush and Viet Kong Arch Duke Saddam Barack Hussein together in a rousing game of Cricket.

Yes its true the British game of Cricket is what truly sorted the worlds problems forever.

Now wheres my book deal? A movie would be nice too.

 

[Thaluikhain]

On the one hand, yeah, criticism is deserved, on the other, people needn't focus so closely on her, she's hardly uncommon.

 

[Zykon TheLich_v1legacy]

[quot

 

[Terminal Blue]

What's really baffling about this case is not that Linton, who is clearly delusional, attempted to publish a book about her completely made up experiences, but that it somehow got through a publisher, presumably several editors and the Daily Telegraph, an ostensibly quality broadsheet newspaper. Somehow, these people were either unable to spot the bullshit themselves or assumed that the general public including the general public in Zambia itself would buy it.

That's the real insult here, that there are apparently serious people out there who think we're all so utterly stupid we wouldn't notice this shite.

 

[Chimpzy_v1legacy]

Did you know that the Viet Kong don't have a word for burning orphans? But they have 17.5 different words for cheese?

Ok, the idea of a language having half a word for cheese is somehow way more amusing to me than it should be.

 

[Terminal Marque]

What's really baffling about this case is not that Linton, who is clearly delusional, attempted to publish a book about her completely made up experiences, but that it somehow got through a publisher, presumably several editors and the Daily Telegraph, an ostensibly quality broadsheet newspaper. Somehow, these people were either unable to spot the bullshit themselves or assumed that the general public including the general public in Zambia itself would buy it.

That's the real insult here, that there are apparently serious people out there who think we're all so utterly stupid we wouldn't notice this shite.

Why is she clearly delusional? She has a number of possible motives that don't require delusions, just a shitty conscience and poor planning.

 

[Neurotic Void Melody]

Hmm, at least she didn't do a Bob Geldof in 1985 and hand over hundreds of well-intentioned millions to an Ethiopian dictator in the midst of a civil war, in which was spent on weapons from Russia to cause more harm than good. That is not how we do white saviour stories, Bob. At the very least, fictional people don't hold grudges too well.
Good thing I skydived in to rescue all those natives from genocide at the last minute with my high-powered gravity rifle, bringing them all home to my underground mansion in Scotland. There was even a dramatic face-off with the villain on the top of a skyscraper. Though for the life of me cannot remember the one-liner I uttered upon throwing him to his doom with a pulled grenade stuffed down his trousers. Probably something along the lines of "how do you like your live 'green-aid' now, muthafucka?!"

 

[sageoftruth]

At least we have her to thank for gifting all of us with the perfect opportunity to write amusing parodies of her work at her expense.

It's almost as precious as the time I single-handedly halted the slaughter at Tienanmen Square by captivating all of the tank drivers with my winning smile. That poor student would be dead if not for me. He's secretly build a shrine in my honor to thank me for my sacrifice.