Humour needed

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JimbobDa3rd

JimbobDa3rd

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Sep 21, 2008
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I was sitting around with friends yesterday just relaxing talking ect. and I brought up the point that the same insults get used over and over again by guys joking around with friends (you know the entire "well at least I?m not gay" age 10-12 "that?s what your mum said last night" age 12-15 "at least I didn?t *insert idiotic drunken act*" age 15+ "shut the hell up" age 0-now) it was agreed that it was funny when it was original to us but they all eventually get clichéd and boring so i want to ask you for you best insults/put downs to your friends which are original or just really funny so, like most of my life, i can copy it off the internet and claim it as my own :p
 
thatstheguy

thatstheguy

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Dec 27, 2008
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Why don't you make like a tree... and get out of here.

Also if someone tells you to suck there dick/balls, just say "what dick/balls?"

I'm not that good at insults as you can see but you never know.
 
Ursus Astrorum

Ursus Astrorum

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Mar 20, 2008
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I've got a few trademark phrases that I say every once in a while, but they're not exactly the most original things in the world.

"And that is why you fail." Is one that I use a lot, but it's quoted directly from Yoda. Everything else I do is a childish form of clichéd insult, but intentionally so for comic effect. Calling someone a dummy or saying "Your face is a _____" are among them.

For more serious insults, however, my retaliation is completely nonverbal. I have a look that manages to make people stop what they're doing and slowly back away.
 
curlycrouton

curlycrouton

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Jul 13, 2008
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"I'll let you off. I remember the first time I had beer."

"We could have a battle of wits, but you're unarmed."

I like this one especially:

Billy Connolly to heckler: "Oh shut up. Do I come to your work and tell you how to sweep up?"
 
DannyBoy451

DannyBoy451

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Jan 21, 2009
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"Two days after Troa's suicide attempt"

Quoting from a gay Gundam Wing slash fanfiction my friend wrote when he was 13.

It always shuts him up.
 
Spacelord

Spacelord

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May 7, 2008
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Something my friends do a lot, much to my chagrin: "Your mother ", even - ESPECIALLY - when it doesn't even make sense.

Example:

Man, I'm hungry.
YO MOMMA'S HUNGRY.

Please stop doing that.
YO MOMMA STOPS DOING THAT

I'm serious.
YO MOMMA'S SERIOUS.

Guaranteed to shut anyone up. Or to get your ass kicked.
 
Blind0bserver

Blind0bserver

Blatant Narcissist
Mar 31, 2008
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I can't think of anything too flashy that I've used off the top of my head, but this is one I've said fairly often:

Random Female: Fuck you.
Me: Is that an offer?

It has a 50/50 chance of either stopping any kind of argument or making it worse.
 
BlackIronGuardian

BlackIronGuardian

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Dec 26, 2008
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After several years of being lambasted by me being ridiculously mean to everybody remotely close anywhere I'd been, a friend pulled the worst shite on me I'd ever heard.

''You argue like Billy O'Reilly and write like Eragon.''

Almost hung myself afterwards.
 
C

Chaz D

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Feb 1, 2009
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"Yeah, well at least my dad's not dead."

Best used on somebody whose dad is dead. And yes, I have used this one.
 
Monkfish Acc.

Monkfish Acc.

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May 7, 2008
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"Oh yeah? Well, you were an act of violence!"

It's really annoying, this is the only one I can remember, but I've come up with so much better before.
 
Shade Jackrabbit

Shade Jackrabbit

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Aug 3, 2008
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I really suck at coming back with insults. I know though there was this one guy in Drama class who drank a lot and I was once arguing with him. I didn't think of it till after but I should've said: "Yeah, well, when you're 30 and sleeping in a gutter, I'll be the guy who drives by in a mercedes and dumps water on you from a BUCKET."
 
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