I am flawed, and I am not happy with "Me."

[Brown Cap]

As you could probably tell, this thread is going to be primarily about a whiny teenager who doesn't like stuff and is going to be angsty and pathetic about it.

First off, I hate talking about myself. I hate talking about my problems. The reason being, that my problems are always foolish and trivial. There are people in this world who have crippling diseases, lost love ones, live in poverty, and have abusive parents and whatever awful things one can think off. My problems? I get turned down by girls. I get a "B" on an exam instead of an "A" at a private university. My study abroad trip gets turned down by financial aid. Woo-is-fucking-me, right? I must be the most afflicted youth on the planet, right? Another reason I hate talking about my problems is because nobody cares. Really - when is last time you asked someone, "Tell me about your problems"? No one wants to hear about another person's baggage - it's boring, it's pathetic, and it's a sign of weakness. People with trivial problems like me are just annoying and unbearable. Simple is that. My problems are stupid, and if I were to tell people, they would know just how stupid they are.

Second, I have a fucked up logic system in my mind. I have a way of thinking that I myself know is not particularly acceptable, but I cannot convince myself is inaccurate. Let me explain:
In life, I have the feeling that if one is not the best at something, it is not worth doing at all. If you cannot master what you do, then it's not even partially impressive. I play guitar. I know some scales and chords, but I am really just run-of-the-mill. Then you look at fucking Steam-Powered Giraffe > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tU-VJOzb-10
I mean - why even try when there are people in the world that can do THAT!?
You're beaten. They are better, you are flawed. Flawed as in nobody is interested.
If you are not talented, you are not interesting. If you do not have many skills, there is some one out there who is better than you. If some one is better than you, you are flawed. People always want the better of two things, christ that's basic Economic Consumer Theory. I DON'T WANT TO BE SECOND BEST TO SOMEBODY. I am not a good musician, I am not a good martial artist, I am not a good singer, I am not a good writer, I am not a good actor, I am not prolific in "smart subjects" like math and science. I am simply average at best, and nobody likes average. People - other people - seek the best thing in a particular group they can. I am not the best, and thusly, I am not worth anyone's time.

If I cannot be the best, I may as well be the worst.
I am convinced that another person cannot be attracted to someone who is second best.
God dammit. And simply complaining about it on a forum just makes it worse. Why do it?

I apologize. I need to rant in some way, and the Advice Forum on the Escapist has been my pillow to yell into.

Leave comments, I suppose. That's what I really came for, isn't it?

Thanks for your patience.

 

[Rylot]

How many babies do you know that pop out of the womb with a guitar playing 'Stairway to Heaven'? What most people thing of as talent is just insane amounts of time put into that activity. It isn't necessarily a bad thing that you have a drive to be the best at something but under your pointlessly jaded facade you seem to understand that throwing your arms up and quitting at life because you're not automatically better than people who've been doing something for longer than you've been alive is pretty pointless.

Instead of trying to compare yourself against professionals who've sunk millions upon millions upon millions of hours into practicing something, remember that no matter how good they are now, they've all started where you are. Sucking at something is the first step at getting good at it.

I am convinced that another person cannot be attracted to someone who is second best.

Sweet Jesus do you think all women are groupies? That the human mating ritual requires a guitar solo? While really talented people do seem to attract a lot of mates, that's just lust. Check out how many movie stars and rock stars have marriages that last.

Attraction typically works like this: Hey this other person makes my naughty parts feel tingly! Life and love are tough enough without you trying to make it more complicated. Take a deep breathe; think about all that is going well for you; think about the fact that you may be hit by a bus tomorrow and die. Now go out and fucking enjoy life.

 

[White Lightning]

It's clear what you must do OP. Those people are better than you... but what if they weren't around anymore? How can anyone be better than you if you... remove them from the competition?

That or suck it up, there is always someone better than you. Wanna hear something else? There is someone better than that guy too. It never ends, there is always a bigger Fish.

...unless you Dynamite the Lake, I'm just saying it's an option.

 

[AWAR]

Another thing I noted is that talented people are most of the times pretty shitty in other aspects. When you put an enormous amount of dedication doing the same thing 24/7 it's natural that you are going to ignore everything else. For example I've met terrific musicians who are complete tools when it comes to anything else other than playing the guitar, and well that makes them pretty uninteresting after the novelty wears off

 

[Angie7F]

I have bouts of depression and I am way out of puberty. lol
I dont know. I dont even think the best musicions believe that they are the best themselves.

 

[Foolery]

Eh. Yeah, you're right. I don't have any sympathy for you. There's always someone better than you at something. Such is life. That doesn't mean you should stop making an effort. Do the shit you want to do for the enjoyment and benefit of yourself, not because you feel like having a dick waving competition or to feed your ego.

 

[PlainTwo]

I can completely relate to the musician points. I myself am a drummer, and of course, have to deal with the fact that I'm not the best drummer in the world. I probably never will be.

It's all about how you channel those thoughts. From reading your post, I've pretty much gathered that witnessing someone more talented than you leaves you feeling 'without a purpose' for lack of a better term. You're wondering what the point is if you'll never be as good as 'guitarist A' or 'guitarist B'.

I am in fact, the opposite. Because the fact is, you CAN be as good as your idols. A common misconception about being a musician (or being anything, really) is that people believe you have to be a 'natural', and that if you're to be good at something, it has to happen overnight. Some people may have slight advantages that give them an edge, but in the end 'naturals' are horseshit in my opinion. You could be the next guitar sensation if you applied yourself to doing so.

What I'm getting at is, when I see/hear/watch someone who is undoubtedly a better drummer than me, I don't go home and mope, praying that I could play so well. Instead, I go home, hop on the drums, and fucking practice. I practice so that a year or two down the road, I CAN do the stuff that I just saw Jim-Bob or whoever doing with his band up on stage last night.

One thing that helps me a lot when I'm doubting my skills, is I go through my iPod, and stumble across songs I've just recently learned to play. And I remember a year ago, when I was telling myself that it was impossible, and that I would never amount to that level of skill, only to end up so proficient that I could play the track in question with my eyes closed. It's all about marking your progress. Improvement is gradual. It's very easy to miss. By tracking it, you SEE how far you've come, and get pumped about it, causing you to push yourself even further.

Talent isn't about how fast you can shred, or if you can sweep-pick, or how fast you can do blast beats or double kick. I find the fundamental aspect of music is about being tight. Keeping good time. Good rhythm. Teaching yourself how to improvise.

You don't have to be the best at something to impress people. That applies to anything, not just music. As I stated before, I am light years away from being one of the world's elite musicians. Yet, I still get people coming up to me after seeing me perform with my band, telling me they think I'm amazing, that I'm crazy talented. People are far easier to impress than you think.

Your best bet is going to be accepting that you aren't the best at something, but, hey, you're still damn good at it. And that's enough in my books, as well as most other people. Everything is subjective. I can guarantee that my favorite guitar player is different than yours. We could argue for hours about who was better, but to what end? It doesn't matter who's at the top. At the end of the day, no one is on top. Because no matter how good he/she is at what they do, whether it's music or otherwise, your best is still going to be someone's second best, or third best, and so on.

I apologize if I sound like I'm rambling, I tend to do that a lot. My point is, I'm an average drummer. My skills still manage to impress people frequently. So you're an average guitarist. Or you're average at math. Or average at anything else. Average is better than terrible, right?

If you need to, you can even think about it this way; you may not be terribly proficient at something, but there's still someone who's worse at it than you are. Therefore, you aren't the best, no, but you're also not the worst. No where near it, in fact.

Like Rylot mentioned earlier, we all begin life the same. No one is born a guitar god, or a ladies man, or a genius. These are all skills we can pick up and learn as we grow.

Remember, all of us come out of the womb kicking, screaming, and butt naked. There is absolutely no reason why you can't be excellent at something. You just need the determination.

 

[sanquin]

Here's an idea: Stop seeing everything as a competition. I mean, why DO you want to be the best at everything, or not do it at all? Sounds like an issue with how you were raised, your environment, or other factors. Not a case of 'that's just how I think'. I play guitar too. I can't even play chords, just a few small pieces of songs I like. And even those I do terribly. But I don't care. I play because I find it fun. I play for myself, not to be approved by others.

And, I know it was mentioned before, but...do you think those 'talented' people got there just because of talent? Sure, talent helps, but it only gives you a head start during the basics. To become truly good at something all you can do it work hard. A study has shown that it takes an average of 10,000 hours of practice to become truly good at something. And yes, that even goes for all those oh so talented ones. In the end, hard work really does beat talent.

Next thing I want to talk about:
You seem to buy into the media a bit too much. The media (online, TV and even bill boards and such) likes to play up the whole "look at how good everyone else is, and look at how average you are" thing. But that's just a flat out lie. A huge majority of all people is "just average". And most of the ones that are good higher put a ton of work into being so. Don't let all the glamour of the media fool you. It's normal to be average, and attraction often has very little to do with how good you are at something.

Lastly, your problems aren't stupid. They're just a normal part of growing up. Everyone goes through a phase where small things are seemingly huge. That being said. It sounds like you're just in your hormonal teenage years. As in, in the years in which you truly figure out who you are as an individual. As bad as it might seem now, try to get through it. The problems you have now will likely seem trivial or even stupid in a few years time. (depending on your exact age.) I had the same when I was in my teenage years. When I look back at those years now I have to kind of laugh at myself, remembering the things that bothered me back then.

 

[Simalacrum]

Don't worry man, we care, we'll listen to your problems! Its what we're here for When real life fails you, The Internet can provide a surprising amount of solace.

Regarding your principle about "if you're not the best at something you might as well be the worst", well? I have some interesting insight for you there.

You see, my dear father is one of those "the best at something" people: he's a silhouette artist [http://www.roving-artist.com/charles/index.html], making a living cutting out shadow portraits of people at parties and other events as entertainment? and he's considered the very best in his field; he is the greatest silhouette artist living today.

I, on the other hand, have various hobbies - circus arts, photography, bit of baking - but I'm certainly not the 'best' at any of them, and I certainly know people substantially better than me at all of those things. So I was curious as to what exactly it was like to be "the best"? so I asked my dad, who was certainly in that category.

The answer I got was interesting.

He told me that being at 'the top', being 'masterclass', was frustrating. Why? His words: "Because theres no one to tell you how to improve."

See, when you're "the best" at something, what do you do then? That steam-powered giraffe bloke might be incredibly good, but who does he look up to? Its quite a sad thing to have nobody to aspire to.

Also, if you want to impress people, make people interested in you, then being "the best" is actually a rather bad route to go down. Being "different" is a much better alternative route

Take me: sure there are people who are better at basically all the skills I have, but almost nobody has the skills in the first place. Very few people can use a diabolo [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EgkIScY-r8], so the fact that I'm relatively good at it means that I can impress people even though I'm not the best person at it.

So stop looking up, up, up! The top is a very lonely place to be anyway, and theres always a better route to the side.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

The issue here is that you?re a perfectionist, and no matter what anyone tells you, it?s better to just be content with what skills you do have rather than being like an obsessive sportsperson and stressing yourself out trying to beat everyone else to number one. Of course, it?s easier said than done, and it?s something I?m struggling with myself (as well as OCD, generalised anxiety disorder, and clinical depression), which is why I?m doing CBT. Perhaps you should too.

I mean, I?ve always wanted to be an author. Over time, that?s progressed to wanting to be a general writer, and then a journalist and freelance writer/author on the side. I haven?t actually written a proper story in, like, five years, and that?s at the least. Meanwhile, I read books from big names like J.K. Rowling and Stephen King, read through such intricately complex graphic novels like Watchmen by Alan Moore that it?s like an English literature teacher?s birthday cake, but whenever I try and just sit down and even dash out a simple short story?the procrastination in me kicks in and I can?t write, or I negatively criticise my work and never show it to anyone.

Ultimately, there will always be someone better than you, and that goes for even the most talented/intelligent/successful people in the world. Most of us are average. Most of us aren?t extraordinary, and just go through our lives following a routine of mundane mundaneness complaining about our trivial problems while some wanker barks at us ?First World Problems!? and making us feel bad about not living up to a bunch of wankers? expectations. Most of us aren?t special snowflakes like our mummy and daddy told us. It?s pointless to think that way, even though we all get pissed off when we don?t reach our impossibly high standards and always think at the end of it, ?I could?ve done more; I could?ve done better?. The only thing any of us can do is, well, work harder and get through the day as best we can. And if you?re lucky enough to have luck, then?well, you?re lucky to have it. Which, I understand, is a pretty fucking redundant statement to have.

As for the ?attraction? thing?just fuck what the media says about having to be this glamorous Brad Pitt-type guy. There is no ?attraction formula?. Two people meet, they like each other, and if they?re lucky, they both wanna fuck each other.

 

[Just_A_COMS_Major]

I know very little about what it's like to be a "second-rate musician" as I have no musical talent whatsoever, so I will speak more generally about this subject. You have problems. Everyone does. The fact that yours are personal and seemingly small in comparison to things like world hunger, war, abuse, and the like does not make them insignificant. Anything that is a problem for the self is something worth investigating and hopefully solving. I share some of your thinking as to the state of one's existence. I, too, often feel that what I do is inferior to everyone around me, and it drives me to bouts of unhealthy self-loathing and binge drinking. It never does any good. What helps, though, is to look at my problems differently. For example, if someone is better than you at playing guitar in a certain way, try another way. Become the best at playing in a different style, a unique and personal style. Don't try to emulate others; carve out a niche for yourself in the guitar playing world. And practice lots, of course. As for the issue of attraction, I don't know how much help I can really be. Again, I am kind of in the same boat, but I will say this, if you fancy someone to the point where it is driving you mad, go for it. Never wait to see if it just happens to work out. Get the ball rolling, even if it's only a slight push. After all, once you get over the hump, it's all downhill from there. Just be sure that the attraction is genuine on both sides.

 

[SuperUberBob]

Nature only illustrates your limit. Hard work and discipline gets you there.

It is estimated that you need to practice something for 10,000 hours before you can master it. You want to be better. Work at it.

 

[CakeBago]

Relish in Chaos has a point - you're a perfectionist. You are not satisfied with what you are, with every talent that you have. Love yourself and improve more if you're aiming to be the best. Just remember that it takes time to master the things that you wanted to achieve before you call yourself the best.