I am so confused by my situation I am not even sure if I need advice...

[manatee123]

As the title suggests I have no idea what kind of advice to expect from any of you guys, but here is my story:

I have a female friend who is very close to me, I would even say she means more to me than my own family. (I know what you are thinking, it is not one of those threads don't worry)
When I went to visit her the other day (She lives about 12 miles away, this adds to complications) she said she had something to tell me. She then proceeded to lift up her arm revealing a bruise about the size of an apple on the underside of her arm.

As it turns out this bruise, and I think there are other less visible ones were caused by her current boyfriend during an argument. As you can imagine all sorts of alarm bells are going off in my head at this point. To make things worse this is not the first time he has hit her.

Now obviously my first idea was to beat the ever living shit out of the guy, but my friend has decided to blame herself for what happened and forgive him. Again.

Fast forward a couple days my friend is very deeply depressed (she has extremely low self esteem and suffers from depression often but not like this)and is even considering suicide.
I have explained to her politely and respectfully that I do not like her boyfriend, I think he is scum to hit a woman and is probably the root of a lot of her current problems, but at the same time I have to respect the fact that he makes her very happy when he is not being abusive.

I'm sure there is more to it than that but it is all I can think of at the moment.
But what would you do in my position Escapists?
I want to help and be there for her but I feel there is nothing I can do without appearing like I am trying to force her to make a decision that isn't mine to make.

Also I am an existing user but decided to use a false account to post this, as I do not wish for people to know me personally to know about this out of respect for the friend.

 

[Rylot]

That really, really sucks. She needs to leave that relationship, and he needs his teeth kicked in. Everyone deserves to be in a happy and healthy relationship free from abuse of any kind. It's truly unfortunate that she's enabling his abuse by staying in the relationship and doesn't value herself enough to leave and find someone worthy of her.
As for what you can do, it depends on both of your situations. Is she on meds for depression? Is she school or some other situation that would let her see a psychologist? Maybe try and involve family and friends; with enough voices maybe she'll listen to reason. It sucks that you can't make her leave this awful relationship, just try and support her as best you can.

 

[Ytomyth]

Okay, first off....this is just my personal opinion which I do not wish to force upon anyone.
That clear? Okay, let's talk...

I don't think this is her choice any longer, seeing as how she's quite depressed and has low self-esteem (which I assume isn't as bad as she thinks it is) she has a very....distorted view of reality. It doesn't matter how much she loves him or he loves her, he's hitting her and that's hurting her on more than just a physical level. You're not the one responsible for anything that's happening to her, but you are in a position to go out and help her. Either by talking to her or maybe even going as far as alerting someone who can talk some sense into that girl. First and foremost though, it sounds as though she really, really needs a good friend like you to keep on supporting her constantly, whatever decision she'll ultimately makes.

I could go on and on, but that would make this a rant about how women in general let themselves be abused way too easy because they don't want to leave the "safety" of their relation, or are still too much in love or whatever.

And yes, I would agree with the kicking of teeth...but well, that way we'd have more teeth to kick in around the globe than there are proper kicking boots.

 

[Batou667]

She showed you the bruises. Regardless of what she may say, I think that's a clear signal that she wants help.

 

[Insanum]

She can only help herself. You can say to her what you think, and dependant on age consider law enforcement.

The only thing is if you're in the UK, not too much can be done about domestic violence if one of the parties does not press charges, and given the fact that she believes 'she deserved it' its likely calling the police is only going to alienate you from your friend.

Sit her down, tell her she doesnt deserve to be hit, no-one has that right. If she stays with him you have to accept it. It is unfortunately more common than you would think.

 

[Phasmal]

I would suggest visiting Womansaid's website, they usually have advice for friends of people who are being abused.
Dont make this about you- dont do the `I'll smash his face in` bit. That's not what she wants.

Also, make sure her other friends (or maybe even family) know what is happening, speak to them and present a united front.

And most importantly, dont judge her.

 

[Lynoxus]

Okay, I'm not at all well versed in this subject so don't take my advice too seriously.

I'd first say that getting professional help is the best thing, however if she has developed irrational reluctance to accept it then you may have to find a way to either get her to see she needs help or essentially trick her into getting help.

If she is depressed consider referring her to a psychiatrist, because you are not directly confronting the issue. He will then almost instantly see the problem, at which point she'll have a long talk with someone who knows what they are talking about, who can explain the situation and essentially do what is best for her (although she may not like it at the time).

From what you've said, what she wants (at the moment) is not what is best for her. If you can find some way to get her to have professional help then she will almost certainly thank you for it in the long term.

 

[artanis_neravar]

snip

I would suggest visiting Womansaid's website, they usually have advice for friends of people who are being abused.
Dont make this about you- dont do the `I'll smash his face in` bit. That's not what she wants.

Also, make sure her other friends (or maybe even family) know what is happening, speak to them and present a united front.

And most importantly, dont judge her.

I was going to suggest the Mafia 2 approach, but this is probably more fitting to the situation.

 

[A Weary Exile]

I'd call the cops on the guy, to be honest. It's only going to get worse over time and, in addition the obvious physical damage, it's not helping her depression or self-esteem issues. She might have some misdirected anger towards you for a while afterwards, but if she has a brain in her head she'll eventually figure out that you did what was best for her safety.