I can't even tell if I'm in a closet at this point.

[Musette]

(Sorry if the post rambles a bit or is repetitive at all. I wrote it while I was rather tired in an attempt to sort out my thoughts)

I don't even know why this topic is spinning in my head. I first discovered that asexuality was a thing 2 years ago and have identified with it ever since. I'm confident and comfortable with my identity, and I always told myself that I would answer honestly if anyone asked me about my orientation. Of course, nobody's asked me, and since part of coming to understand my romantic/sexual identity involved multiple romantic relationships with the opposite sex, people just assume I'm straight. I was always fine with this, though I eventually found myself explaining my orientation to my closest sibling and to my closest friend, both of whom were pretty chill with it.

However, I recently had a rather long conversation with my closest friend, and eventually the conversation turned to the fact that my parents in particular did not know about my identity. I'm incredibly open and honest with my parents, but they have always avoided discussing sex with me, and since they know my past dating experiences, they probably assume that I'm straight. My friend was incredibly direct with me about it, claiming that I'm lying by omission and essentially running away from the issue. I remember denying it pretty fervently, explaining that since asexuality is defined by the absence of something (specifically, sexual attraction), coming out isn't going to suddenly change how I act around others or anything, and while I don't tend to throw the label around outside of the internet, it's not like I'm pretending to be attracted to anyone or explicitly trying to hide any aspect of my personality. (I will admit that there might be one or two acquaintances who think I'm gay after seeing me unintentionally shoot an incredibly blank expression after a girl commented to me about how "hot" the guys in my studio were, but that's just a hunch.) However, for some reason, this conversation I had is still going through my mind, and now I'm starting to doubt my own arguments I made.

So here I am, with no idea if I'm "closeted" at all. I make no effort to convince anyone that I have a different orientation than I actually have, I make no effort to change my actions or personality to hide anything, yet in many situations, I don't know if I could directly reveal my orientation when asked at this point. I don't know why this is bugging me so much either. I'm not going out of my way to lie to anyone, but I don't know if I want to gamble with how open/closed minded some people are to an orientation they may have never even heard of. Even if I did decide that I was closeted, how would I even directly come out without looking like I'm attention seeking or making this a bigger deal than it really is? (Especially since nobody's going to directly ask me about my orientation if they -for the most part- assume I'm straight.)

Sorry this post is probably not super coherent, but I posted here since posting this kind of topic on an asexuality forum would likely yield fairly different viewpoints from how people outside of that niche would react. I don't even know what answers I'm looking for (hell, I don't even know if I posed any of the questions that prompted this post), but I wouldn't mind having a few outside opinions on the topic.

Edit: I guess I should throw in a 'tldr' here just in case: someone recently argued that I am "lying by omission" by not going out of my way to discuss my asexuality with my family. The content of the conversation has left me wondering if I'm more closeted than I originally thought, and if I am closeted, I don't even know how the "coming out" process would work, or if it's something I should even attempt at all.

 

[Jux]

Your sexuality is your own, and you owe nothing to anyone. Talk about it if or when you feel comfortable talking about it. I would think that if you do come out, you'll want to do it on your own terms, and not in one of those awkward situations that's forced on you. Saw once where a gay guy baked a cake for his parents that read 'I'm gay!' or something of that nature. Do your parents like cake?

 

[Musette]

Your sexuality is your own, and you owe nothing to anyone. Talk about it if or when you feel comfortable talking about it. I would think that if you do come out, you'll want to do it on your own terms, and not in one of those awkward situations that's forced on you. Saw once where a gay guy baked a cake for his parents that read 'I'm gay!' or something of that nature. Do your parents like cake?

Thanks, I appreciate the response! I guess if there's anything I'm obsessing over, it's the fact that I didn't even realize that I'm probably in a closet to begin with. It makes sense that starting the conversation myself is the best way to have a sense of control over the situation (or at the very least, mental preparedness), but I can't help but feel that using that might be making a bigger spectacle of this than it needs to be. I also don't really know how to be "out and proud" about my orientation when it comes to stuff like peer groups and acquaintances without trying to bring up asexuality every 10 seconds, or even if that's information that acquaintances should even know about me.

Thanks again, and I couldn't help but chuckle about the cake story you mentioned (especially since cake has become an unofficial symbol of asexuality in some circles), I think I'd need to be more direct if I talked about my orientation with my family though.

 

[Musette]

How old are you?

I guess I forgot to mention that! I'm in my 20's, but not particularly financially independent. I'm a university student at the moment.

 

[Musette]

And how is your self-esteem?

I would consider it fairly solid in most respects. I can be a little harsh on myself concerning my primary field of study, but I try to consciously keep my self esteem fairly balanced. I generally think well of myself, but I try not to completely delude myself into thinking I'm without flaws or faults.

 

[maxben]

From my experience, "coming out to your family" is not really necessary. The reason gays have to come out is because eventually someone will see them with a member of the own sex, or they want to talk about their loved one. Being asexual, the only time that coming out would be necessary would be if your family is bugging you about finding someone. I don't believe in lying by omission, the whole concept only makes sense if you are actively trying to deceive someone by purposely leaving something out. In this case, your parents don't care to talk to you about these things so it's not deception.

Simply, do what makes you happy. If it "coming out' do that, if not then not. You don't owe your family anything in this regard. After all, what is more your then your thoughts and feelings? You choose what to share and what not to share, no one is entitled to them.

 

[Musette]

Snip

I appreciate your input on the matter! Your arguments are reminiscent of a lot of the points I've considered in the past on the topic. My family isn't bugging me at the moment about finding anyone at the moment, but I'm sure they might ask questions in the future. If there is one thing about waiting to tell my family about this that might be troublesome is if they feel like I was explicitly hiding it from them, but even if I say something now, it still could come off that way, having known for a couple years before mentioning anything. I'm very close with immediate family, and we value trust and honesty very highly, so I guess the argument that I was "lying by omission" is what got me worried in the first place.

Thanks again! The responses on this thread have made me feel better about this. Maybe in terms of how many people know my identity, I'm technically closeted, but if that makes no change in how I have to act around others, then it's not a very restrictive closet by any means. Unless I really wanted to explicitly make efforts to raise asexual visiblity, then there isn't much point in going out of my way throw a label out there that might require more extensive explanation than just saying I'm 'not interested' and leaving labels out of it.

I'm sure that my opinion on the topic will shift back and forth a fair amount over time, but I helps to acknowledge different elements of the topic that I haven't considered before.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

I'd just ignore anyone that tries to say that you're gay just because you're not interested in girls (or boys), and whenever anyone asks about your sexuality, just say that you're "not into dating or sex". If you sense that the person asking you about it genuinely wants to learn more, then you can tell them that you're asexual. Forget what your friend says about "lying by omission"; you don't have to tell your parents everything about your life.

I've always considered "being in the closet" to refer to someone who's gay/lesbian, bi or transgender (or, perhaps less likely, having an especially problematic fetish, like paedophilia), since unfortunately, those things still are issues to numerous people. But asexuality isn't really a hot-button topic for people. In fact, even the religious fundamentalists would rather you be asexual - not that you should care about them, unless you live in an especially religious area.

Anyway, I'm just rambling on now. Just do what you feel is right and easiest for you.

 

[Musette]

snip

Sorry if its obnoxious to respond to literally every post on here, but I do appreciate people giving input and I would feel rude ignoring it when it's providing helpful insight one way or the other.

Anyways, my go-to at the moment is that I just let people assume. The people in question who appear to have assumed I'm gay distanced themselves from me quite quickly though (which I actually found quite funny), but as long as that doesn't lead to violence based on assumptions of my identity, then I'm cool with them assuming I'm gay. To a lesser extent, I already follow your advice to simply say that I'm not interested in dating/sex, but people don't tend to really ask me about the topic, so it's something that's popped up almost never. It's how I would prefer to approach the topic though, since throwing the label out there first isn't always the best strategy.

As far as the closet concept goes, I can see what you mean, and I've seen interesting discussions on both expanding and restricting the definition of being 'in a closet', though I don't really know where I sit on it. A lot of people see revealing yourself as anything other than straight/cisgendered as a form of "coming out" because you're deviating from the expectations placed on you based on the assumption that you're straight/cis, but I can see where your argument has weight as well. (Unfortunately though, I've read too many accounts of fundamentalists reacting badly to asexuality for me to buy that fundamentalists wouldn't care. Some say that you're essentially cheating the concept of celibacy because you don't have desires in the first place, some say it goes against the "be fruitful and multiply" thing, some just perceive it negatively because it's a non-hetero orientation. However, the only evidence I have is anecdotal at best, and I guess it depends on the individual fundamentalist you talk to.) Right now, people say that the biggest problem asexuality has at the moment is low visibility. If anything, the reason why anyone encourages asexuals to be "out and proud" is usually for visibility efforts. Sometimes, I feel like it'd be good to help the visibility efforts, but I also would prefer to be known for what I do rather than what I don't do/experience.

I guess if depends on your definition of a closet to say whether or not I'm really in one or not. I'd rather not have my orientation be seen as some big secret I'm keeping from the world, but how could I, on a good conscience, get in people's faces trying to talk about how much I don't care about sex.

I guess I'm rambling now. I appreciate the input, and I appreciate hearing outside perspectives on the topic! It definitely helps

 

[Axzarious]

Speaking from experience, coming out won't really make much of a difference overall. Or at least from what I can tell.

In the rare events that people actually do care enough to ask, the following results are likely to occur:
People will either a) Believe you and not ask why, nor care too much about asking more. If there was any elaboration into the complexities, it will likely be completely forgotten. b) Won't believe you and instead assume any other myriad of things.

Human sexuality is incredibly complex. People also tend to dislike and fear anything new or that isn't accepted as the norm. People in religious organizations can react in many unexpected ways.

I think the reason Asexuality is so unknown is because it's more of the lack of something than the existence of something. How do you express that you are Asexual aside from not showing interest in things? What would be the point of parading your orientation around? I can't really think of one myself to be honest. It seems like a waste of time and energy. In some ways, the amount of attention people focus on sexuality seems juvenile to me in how much importance they seem to place upon it, how much they let it define them, and how much time and effort they spend chasing it.

Asexuality is also, like many other facets of sexuality, complex, and has many faces. of it's own.

 

[Moth_Monk]

Asexuality isn't an orientation. It's a lack of one. Although if there are things that sexually arouse you then you aren't asexual.

 

[clearasmoonlight]

Hi Musette! I'm also asexual, and have gone through similar experiences since I only came out within the past few years, so I thought I would chime in here.

My feelings aren't too different from what everyone else has posted, really, though! I do think coming out can be a bit confusing for those of us who are ace, since it can be so hard to broach the topic. Unlike other orientations, we have to go out of our way to explain who we are and what that even means, and since so many people aren't familiar with asexuality at all, it can feel daunting and exhausting to think about going through the 101 over and over again. So I don't think that you're necessarily tacitly closeted just because you don't want to bring it up all the time. I tend to take a pretty similar tack myself: if relationships and/or sex have entered heavily into a conversation I'm having with someone, and I'm feeling up to it at the time, I'll actively out myself as asexual as part of that conversation. But if I'm not in a good headspace to out myself then, or think the person might react badly, or if there just isn't a good segue to mention it, I tend to keep quiet. The thing about orientation is that it's so personal, and there really is no right or wrong way to be out -- it's up to you as an individual to figure out who you're comfortable telling about your asexuality, and when, and why. No one else can tell you whether you're in the closet or not -- it's about how YOU feel.

I think your friend is well-meaning, but not being very fair. No one should push you to open up this conversation with your family before you're ready to. I am also very close to my family, and we tend to be open and honest with each other as well. I have, at this point, had a coming-out conversation with my mom, because that was something that was important for me to do. (This is in part because I had come out to her as bisexual about a decade before -- I'm 31 now, I was 28 when I re-outed myself as ace -- and I specifically wanted to tell my mom that I no longer identified that way.) But she is the only family member I have actively come out to like that. Although I'm close to my brothers too, I had pretty much no qualms that they would accept me, and I had never come out to them as bi, so there wasn't an issue of re-identifying myself to them. They presumably found out when I outed myself on Facebook, and have seen asexuality-related posts I make from time to time. But I've never sat down with them and had a talk about it. I feel confident that if they want to know more, they'll read up on asexuality online and/or feel like they can ask me questions.

So that's how I handled things -- but the thing is, it's always YMMV with coming out. No one can or should tell you when you're ready. No one has the right to tell you that you're doing something bad or wrong by being in the closet. It's all about your personal comfort, because this is your life and your identity, and it's 100% your choice when and if you choose to share that with anyone.

For the record, if you don't (or do!) want to be part of the burgeoning ace pride movement, I don't think that's a good or bad thing either -- just another personal choice. I went back and forth about that for a long time before finally realizing that, for me, raising awareness does feel important and is something I want to actively do. (Though like I mentioned, I still take coming out and talking about being ace on a very case-by-case basis. Wanting to raise awareness doesn't have to mean putting myself in deeply uncomfortable situations, IMHO.) But that's me, and I feel very strongly that not everyone has to be an activist just because they happen to be part of a minority group. I'm glad you're figuring that out for yourself over time, and I hope you don't feel any pressure from anyone to do anything you're not comfortable with.

Anyway, I hope some of this is actually helpful to you. Good luck!

 

[clearasmoonlight]

Asexuality isn't an orientation. It's a lack of one. Although if there are things that sexually arouse you then you aren't asexual.

You're wrong on both counts, actually. How did you come to these opinions?

 

[Musette]

Anyway, I hope some of this is actually helpful to you. Good luck!

Hello Clearasmoonlight! I really appreciate that you took the time to give such a detailed response, and everything you said was incredibly helpful! One of the reasons I posted here instead of an asexual community like AVEN is because I feel like I could predict the direction such a thread would go, and I wanted to hear opinions removed from such a setting. It's almost ironic that the viewpoint of a fellow ace came from here and ended up giving me so much perspective on the matter, and I'm glad that happened

Coming out can be a strange situation as an asexual, can't it? I definitely feel more inclined to share my sexuality with someone I know that I don't have to give the 101 since it doesn't have to shift the entire conversation after mentioning it. Actually, out of everyone I've come out to offline, the only person I needed to explain it to was the very first person I told (the friend who actually sparked this thread), and he took it incredibly well. I guess one of the reasons that few people know is that the people I've known for a long time just kind of inherently know at this point that I don't have much to say on the topic and also assume I'm straight based on my romantic relationships that I entered when I assumed I was 'straight by default', and those who haven't known me as long aren't generally close enough to me to really have any reason to ask. Also, the music school in my college has a rather small student base and I interact with the same people fairly permanently, so I would need to deal with them whether there's a positive response or not. I guess that's the source of the dissonance I'm getting: I like to think I would proudly reveal my sexuality if anyone asked, but there's a chance that the risks might make me back down. At the same time though, I don't have the heart to call myself anything other than asexual, even if I didn't want to reveal it. I guess I won't know for sure how I'll react until I'm actually in a scenario that forces me to act.

You're right about my friend being well-meaning, but not super fair about it. I understand where his concern is coming from, because I'm an aromantic asexual, and it's very unlikely that I will follow the 'typical' life path of romance->marriage->kids, which will become more visible with age, and he doesn't want me to wait until I hit a point where I'm essentially forced to come out. If you don't mind me asking though, how was the process of coming out online? I don't think it is ideal for me because I have my parents and some extended family on there. Did you create an official coming out post, or did it just start with liking and sharing asexuality-related media? What kinds of responses did you get?

There is definitely a part of me who wants to help the visibility movement, though I'm not so sure if I'd want the spotlight on myself, especially since I'd rather establish myself as a musician without my activism appearing as some kind of cheap publicity stunt for it. I do some quiet things like answering anonymous research questionnaires, and have thought about allowing myself to be interviewed anonymously, but haven't tried that so far. If I was a little more bold and determined, I would consider creating a live AMA booth in the center of a university campus during PAM or AAW, but for now, it's just an entertaining 'what if' of sorts.

Thanks again for the perspective and advice! It really means a lot to me to get such a thought-out response, and I wish you all the best in your future endeavors

 

[Moth_Monk]

Asexuality isn't an orientation. It's a lack of one. Although if there are things that sexually arouse you then you aren't asexual.

You're wrong on both counts, actually. How did you come to these opinions?

So do you think someone who gets sexually aroused by, for example, homosexual pornogrpahy isn't gay? Do they only become gay once they've had sex?