I cant feel...

[Wierdguy]

Let me give you the story: Recently my 86 year old grandfather was diagnosed with cancer, the whole family is kinda riled up about it and my dad looks gloomier than usuall. Now, doctors say he will be fine and all but still, its cancer, and hes 86. Odds are he doesnt have very long to live. And yet... I find myself not really caring.
Dont get me wrong here I love my family and I have too many happy memories from my childhood at my grandparents place to ever be able to count them all but for some reason I hear the news "Son... your grandfather, he was diagnosed with cancer..." and go "Oh... that sucks..." then turn right back to whatever I was doing and it somehow slips out of my mind.

Its not an isolated incident either. It was exactly the same for when my cousin got diabetes, my uncle got into serious problems because of his drinking, my other grandfathers dog who has been a good friend and trusted companion for 20 years died, when my grandmother forgot she was at home and went looking for her husband - walking straight out on the street ect. All stuff I bloody SHOULD care about, I should feel SOMETHING! But I dont... nothing. Not even that famous "Empty" feeling where you cant feel anything at all. Its like when you read a sad story on the internet; you go "Aww... how horrable... Oh! Hey! Puppies! Yay!".

Not sure if there is something wrong with me or what but... lots of bad stuff has happened in my family, and never have I cared once beyond looking sad and be quiet while others talk about it, but in my mind think about what game Im going to play after dinner or something...

Whats even worse is that I dont even seem to care about not caring. Took me two weeks to deside even this post was worth the hassle (hell, I spent 7 min hovering over the post button considdering deleting the whole thing and go back to Civilization5...), let alone actually talk to someone about it.

Guess what I want to know is if anyone else experience the same? Or am I the only one thats this cold and heartless? Im genuinly concerned but for some reason all I can seem to do is ask a bunch of strangers online about it... (no offence)

 

[daveman247]

snip

chances are you're a sociopath

Hey, lets not throw around that word around just yet...

I'm no expert, but i had a similar experience with my grandparents. I knew it was sad, but it didnt seem to affect me in any way. i just got on with my life. i just put it down to the fact they wern't my imidiate family. It didnt DIRECTLY affect me, there wasn't a sudden hole in my life. So it never hammered home. Which i guess is good, and bad. My parents were going banana's though.

Eh, people deal with problems different ways.

 

[Erana]

Some people are just more emotional than others. Not freaking out and crying all the time doesn't necessarily mean that you don't care. (Conversely, my health stuff makes me super emotional, and I have a strong apparent reactions to little things that I really don't care that much over, so yeah)

The question is partly a personal one: are you asking if there's something wrong because you feel inadequate, or are you asking this because, deep down, you know you don't care, and this is just what people who do care would do?

Also, if this is a very near and dear issue, you might want to ask a mod to move this to the advice forum, where the rules are more strictly enforced and being sincere and respectful in responses is kind of mandatory. (though you'll admittedly get fewer responses there)

 

[DoPo]

Well, first of all, let me point out the obvious.

Spoiler: the obvious

But I know how you feel. When my grandmother passed away, I never once cried. I sort of felt bad that she died and I was not going to see her any more, I also knew I should be sad but I wasn't really. I decided to just be quiet and stare at the floor as everybody else were devastated. I was 11 then.

Well, when my grandfather passed away three years later...I must say I was actually a bit glad. But that's a different matter entirely.

I've always found escape an easy way out. if something bad happened, video games, music, books - they could provide me with an escape from my problems and feeling bad. I don't know if it's the same with you OP, but, say, something bad happened at school - I could just forget it if I thought about a game or something.

Now, I can't say I don't feel bad ever - I do and often. But sometimes escapism is just too good an alternative.

 

[daveman247]

Well I suppose it also depends on how much money your grandparents gave you. I mean, if they're not going to write you in the will, why should you care? They're not giving you any money, so it sort of works out in the end, good call.

Hey im just being frank man, no need to get pissy. Dont tell me what i should and should not feel. Money NEVER had anything to do with it

 

[Suicidejim]

I have exactly the same problem, although it's mitigated by the fact that I can usually act the required emotions convincingly enough if I have to. Then again, I'm hardly normal, or really on any sort of level another person should aspire to, so I'm not sure how comforting that may be.

Don't get me wrong, were a close friend or immediate relative to die I'd be sad, and maybe even cry, but short of that, there's nothing. Maybe a brief pang of something close to sadness or disappointment, followed by indifference. Then I go on doing whatever I was doing (or at least think about it, if that's not a viable option).

 

[daveman247]

snip

i get the feeling you're trying to get some sort of rise out of me. You have failed

You can keep your view of the world, more power to you. I'm just trying to help the other guy.

 

[theLadyBugg]

I've been in your boat a few times over the past couple of years. When my grandmother died, I kept dry eyes at the wake, a steady voice reading at her funeral, and held up fine during the burial. Two days later I saw an advert for something vaguely sentimental (not quite the Sarah McLoughlan ASPCA ad, but you know) and completely lost my sh*t. Some of us are just better at feeling and coping with things through a medium, like movies or games. Sometimes the fantasy situation is more emotionally accessible than reality.

I also spent a long time wondering why I wasn't sadder, or why I couldn't at least work up a good guilt-cry for not being sadder when this kind of thing happened. And I don't know exactly why we're like this. But over time, I've come to see it as a kind of gift: when his mother died, my father was an absolute wreck. It helped him that I was able to keep it together, to hold up the house while most of the family was inconsolable.

 

[JimB]

Everyone has a different threshold and tolerance, Wierdguy. Personally, I can't say I spend much time wondering what I'm -supposed- to be feeling; it's enough on my plate to deal with what I -am- feeling.

 

[Fappy]

This is actually pretty common. If unfortunate things happen to people you have limited interaction with some people don't really give it much thought. Blood relation doesn't have to be a factor and its actually a lot more likely that you feel bad for your father (who you likely see a lot) rather than feeling bad for grandfather (who you may not see all that often).

I have had stronger emotional reactions to the loss of pets than some extended family members because an aspect of my everyday life had ended in the former... don't really know how to explain it much better than that.

 

[mattttherman3]

Hmmm, Well, I've lost all my grandparents, didn't cry, my first dog, I cried a week before it happened but only once, I balled when my first gf broke up with me. Weird stuff man. But my grandparents all died while I was between 11-17 so I'm not sure if there was some pride thing going on there(not wanting people to see me cry).

 

[Kae]

I was just wondering the same thing when they told me my grandmother was dying on a hospital just around 10 days ago, but I came to the conclussion that it was perfectly normal to not feel anything, of course then she died that same day and the most bizarre thing happened, I was very happy, it was weird when they told me she died all these flashbacks of everything I had ever done with her came to my mind in seconds, and all I could feel was happiness that I got to know her while she was alive, so I don't really have this issue anymore, I can't say if you're going to feel anything but I really don't know what to say, but anyway I've heard not feeling anything it's a very normal reaction, so don't beat yourself too hard over it.

 

[Trippy Turtle]

I didn't feel really bad about about my grandfather dying but we weren't really close and he hasn't been able to talk/hear for longer then I can remember. It was sad at the funeral but I got other it pretty quick.
When it comes to death of pets/friends/family I am sad but otherwise I don't really react to much.

 

[Oro44]

I wouldn't call this sociopathy just yet. A sociopath (someone with anti-social personality disorder) also tends to have criminal behavior due to complete lack of empathy and disregard for human life and social norms. Unless you have people in your fridge, then yes, you exhibit the signs of a sociopath.

Rather, this sounds like schizoid personality disorder (not to be confused with schizophrenia). People with schizoid tend to keep to themselves, have little to no emotional responses of any kind, but still are very high functioning in society and hold jobs, get married and all that stuff.

Unfortunately there aren't any medications out there right now that work for it, but various kinds of therapy have been shown to help.

 

[Deadyawn]

Hmm. I feel as if I may be in the same boat as you OP. My own grandfather got sick and had a bunch of complications a while back that exacerbated his parkinsons. He's pretty much dead to the world. I felt like I should feel sad but I didn't really. My mum was a bit distraught over the whole thing though. I didn't really know him all that well but he was still my grandfather.
I guess it just didn't affect me.

 

[Broady Brio]

I didn't really feel anything when I found out my cousin on the other side of the world died.

Then again, I was unable to communicate with him. He was unable to speak English. I'm unable to speak Mandarin. So it's like he never really existed.