I can't handle life anymore.

[username sucks]

I keep typing this and deleting it, so I'm just going to say it now. I'm depressed, I'm overwhelmed, I have been suicidal. I was able to take off the noose, and I hope I don't get that close again because I'm not sure I can do it again. So many things.

I need to be perfect, but I can't be. I'm told every day that I will never be successful unless I take all of the work I can. I took all the highest level courses, I end up working over 18 hours most days just to barely pass, but that's not good enough. I need to be perfect, take more. I have to deal with a stepmom who hates me, a dad who doesn't care about anything, a mom who is so childish and irresponsible that she can't hold even a part time job for more than a week yet continues to spend far beyond our means, only a single friend I can talk to and I haven't seen him in years, a dying uncle, and the list just goes on and on.

I sound pathetic don't I? I know there are many who have it worse than me but do just fine. But I am broken. I used to be able to distract myself with games, music or the Escapist. I even wrote poetry if those no longer worked. But now I just can't stop thinking, and I can't think. I tried talking to my mom because she's the only person I can talk to anymore, and all I got was a racist rant about Indians.

I don't know if anyone here can help me. You probably think I'm weak too, and I would still agree. I just don't know where else to go, and I don't want to die. But I know I probably will want to again.

EDIT: I'm better, at least for now. That friend I mentioned in the text just showed up again. Thank you for understanding. I think part of me wanted you all to tell me I was weak, so I would have more reason to put the noose back on. I guess I forgot how nice you all are. Thank you.

 

[Frezzato]

Perhaps it's high time you gave somebody a call [http://www.the-bright-side.org/site/thebrightside/content.php?type=1&id=198]. I actually just called this number, from near the top of the page: listed as 'Toll Free Statewide' (California). I gave them a ring and verified that they are confidential.

I'm no professional, but take it from me that trying to find help is in itself a sign of hope at least. The difference is knowing where to go.

 

[zeekyle]

i feel like I'm in the same boat as you good sir. Life is hard... and I'm having trouble with it too. maybe we can help each other out...

 

[Flutterguy]

It sounds like you would be better off if you moved out. I'm not sure about your country but in mine we have young person shelters where anyone under 22 can go for free-meals and can sign up to sleep there. It is not great, but if your parents are unreasonable it is a good option.

The biggest thing I can say, and everyone probably knows, perception is everything. I was in a similar boat for a few years. For me (I really hope this doesn't get me banned) it took a 7 gram mushroom trip to really break down the perception that was giving me such grief. I realized much of what I was aspiring was not only selfish and immoral but often unachievable. I can no longer watch a commercial or movie without seeing just how much propaganda there is, from romance comedies to superheroes they are all made with the central focus of making you feel inadequate.

When you are deeply upset your ego will play a really sick game. Things which you should enjoy you will likely turn down, get angry at or make fun of. It's a sad state which causes sadness to pull you down exponentially. It really is best to break out of it as soon as possible.

Work on getting rid of prejudice to. Don't hate someone for being a brony, jock or spiteful. Humans are products of environment, we act the way we do because what we have experienced led us to act that way. Understand when someone picks on you it is because of their own insecurity. I get strange looks when someone makes fun of me in public, because i burst out laughing.

Also find some hobbies. You have no idea how something is until you try it. I hated skateboarders with a passion in highschool, finally tried it and I ride atleast an hour a day.

 

[username sucks]

Snip

I disagree with most of what you said, but thank you for understanding at least. I do agree on live and let live though, hating others would never bring more joy to anyone, least of all myself.

 

[Frezzato]

snip

There's no way to say this without sounding weird, but I'm glad you're still alive. And since you're not currently talking about that event (yes, I saw the part about the noose), I feel that I can now offer you some advice.

First, I hope you give that number a call (the one in my original post); that or any one of the other ones listed by region on that site.

Second, I really think you have to drop something. I read your profile and saw that association you take part in, so I imagine that the rest of your curriculum is just as intense, if not more so, in addition to taking up a lot of your time. Burnout is fine, you're clearly capable than a lot of us were when we were your age, but burnout to the point of seriously considering suicide is a bad sign. Something has clearly gone wrong.

You more than likely have to drop something, so I would make a list and carefully consider what you can drop that will keep you from going insane. Again, make a list, consider your options, and make a choice. And remember, not making a choice is still making a choice.

 

[Chromatic Aberration]

-snip-

Just chiming in to explicitly agree with Fizzy here. I like to think it's good that you didn't off yourself - this would help nobody, at the very least yourself - and you decided to meet the challenge by posting here and hopefully perusing Fizzys link. I'd also advise you explicitly to consider professional help with this - having someone to talk to who is experienced in these kinds of issues is a huge boon to have.

To me, you seem to be in a state of frustration and panic informed by your exaggerated expectations and lack of positive feedback by your social environment. In agreement with Fizzy the first thing you should do is to take stuff off of your plate. You don't need to be perfect and you simply cannot ever be - which is a fact of life. You don't need to work 18 hours a day and be a stressed, panicky mess because of it. Sometimes you simply need to lean back and take some time off - the sooner you accept this, the better you will feel. I've been there, so trust me on this.

Then do some introspection: if I look at your profile you already achieved far more than I'd ever hope to, so be proud on what you have already achieved - not too many people did so much, so take a deep breath and remind yourself of what you have already achieved. You aren't a bad or a particularly broken person simply because you are stressed or can't handle the amount of stuff you do. Take a deep breath and remind yourself of your successes and achievements.

As for your family issues, that is also something I can relate to but that shouldn't get you down: sadly, people one cares about do stupid things and make dumb choices more often than not. It's their decision and there's nothing you can really do about it as long as you said your piece. Then, they might seem to hate you or don't care for you which is also mostly trick played by your mind: they do care about you and the reason they don't seem to help you is likely that they don't realize the situation you are in. If you want them to help you, you must push them to do so. Again, you are not a bad person for doing so and they are likely to simply not be aware of your situation.

But I am broken

Heh. Who isn't? Let me tell you: being a weird, broken mess is certainly also a truckload of fun in some respects. It certainly gives you a unique perspective on things.

That said, I hope this helps you a bit. Also if you want to talk you can also feel free to drop me a PM.