I don't think my girlfriend understands personal space.

[Flamezdudes]

So last night my girlfriend and I got into an argument over the fact that sometimes I might want to spend time alone with my group of 3-4 best friends sometimes, my "guy group". However she took offence to this and thought it was hurtful that I specifically didn't want her there with us sometimes when she is friends with them aswell.

I've tried describing to her that its not trying to "get away from her" and that it's nothing against her but she just doesn't understand that sometimes I want to be alone with them sometimes. She tells me that she wants to be with me all the time and that the times when she can't see me is just because she might be really busy with other things or with friends who I am not friends with, so she knows I wouldn't enjoy it.

Can someone help me with this please? At the moment the argument has stopped since she says she understands now, however she said that earlier and then started it up again so I don't know how far I can trust that she "understands".

 

[Amethyst Wind]

Use her own logic. Times you aren't with her are when you're busy with other things or with the amigos of yours who I'm guessing she isn't with.

Either that or call her bluff. Tell her she's right. When you're hanging with your buddies it IS because you want to get away from her, then explain later that that isn't the case and you just want some man time.

 

[Flamezdudes]

Use her own logic. Times you aren't with her are when you're busy with other things or with the amigos of yours who I'm guessing she isn't with.

Either that or call her bluff. Tell her she's right. When you're hanging with your buddies it IS because you want to get away from her, then explain later that that isn't the case and you just want some man time.

She just says that my friends are hers aswell (which they are), whilst her girlfriends aren't really that big friends with me, we talk to eachother sometimes but her friends aren't really as much my friends.

 

[Amethyst Wind]

Feck it then. Be honest. Tell her simply that you do desire to spend time away from her. No reason to be unhappy and suffer in silence. It's not fair of her to expect that of you.

 

[renegade7]

Explain that you're just not comfortable with a full-time commitment and that you need your personal time.

 

[mad825]

From prevoius advice I've heard in a simalir situlation there's not really much that can be done.

Live with it and hope things will get "better" or you can dump her, really this kind of attienion seeking attuide is never good for a relationship or for a happy relationship at least.

Either way it would seem she has issues...trust issues. again, never good for a relationship.

 

[Captain Sock]

You have my sympathies. Some people have a very difficult time understanding why others desire more personal space than they do without taking it as an insult.

Perhaps you can try to explain that personal space is a need like any other in a way she can empathize with? Let's take sleeping patterns as an example. John sleeps eight hours a day, while Mary only sleeps six. That doesn't mean John hates the day, or dislikes being awake - he simply needs more sleep than Mary for the sake of his mental well-being. Or another example; John is a very dedicated triathlete and exercises hard every day, while Mary only takes dancing lessons three days a week. Even if she doesn't work out as hard as he does doesn't mean that she secretly dislikes it - she just needs more relaxation and would be exhausted if she tried to match John's intensity.

It's the same with socialising, really - spending every waking hour with the same person may work for her, but it doesn't for you. You still care about her very much - you wouldn't be with her otherwise - but being alone with your guy friends is something you need to do in order to be happy, and does not in any way mean that you dislike spending time with her. People are different, people have different needs. That's just the way the world works.

Otherwise, I'm not sure what else you can do. Best of luck, in any case.

 

[bernardblack]

I would explain to her that sometimes you just want to hang out with your friends separate of her company, and that this isn't a bad thing. It doesn't mean that you don't care about her or don't like her. I understand the need for space, and it sounds like she is being a bit clingy. I think it's kind of unfair of her to not allow you to hang out with your friends on your own, even if they are her friends too.

 

[Galletea]

Ask her how she would feel if you hung out with her and her friends. The whole dynamic of the group would changer wouldn't it. They wouldn't discuss all the things they normally would and things would not be the same as if you weren't there. It's the same with your friends, there are things that she might not like that you would normally chat about and can't if she's there because you'd exclude her.
Try to explain how sometimes its better to spend an evening apart. Perhaps you could put it in a way that avoids the 'friends' aspect. She gets to have girl time, and you need to have some man time, to chat about things she isn't interested in.

It might be that you're fighting a losing battle, and need to find some friends she doesn't know to balance the equation. Or get a less clingy girlfriend.

 

[Bertylicious]

To me it sounds like she has abandonment issues and the whole arguing over you doing stuff is just an ulterior approach to get you to talk/help her with them. People are weird like that, usually because they're scared.

Abandonement issues can be caused by all manner of things but are typically rooted in divorce trauma. If you care about her then you should talk to her and reassure her that you can won't leave her, that she can trust you and work towards building that trust so that she feels more secure. If you don't care about her and can't be bothered then the decent thing to do would be to talk about the abandonment issues as you break up so that she can put the breakup in context, which should help her deal with it.

I could be wrong about abandonment and her desire could be out and out control, in which case you should probably break up if you don't find that a turn on.

 

[Jonluw]

Maybe you should have a talk about how you aren't a mutually dependent symbiosis that needs to remain physically joined at all times to survive.

Not in those words, of course.

Try to explain that even though you love someone, that doesn't mean you will be able to handle to be in their company every waking hour.
Of course, if she doesn't feel that way it's not certain any amount of explaining will do and she think it's hurtful.