I feel like I've just hit a brick wall - I'm very lost in life

[Danny Dowling]

I don't really know how this is going to play out.

Today, I was sat playing Destiny and I just felt myself switch off from life as a whole; I looked at the game and felt no satisfaction, I looked at what I was doing day to day and wondered what the hell... I've not felt this much lax in energy and drive in months.

In October 2013 I began a career as a Taekwondo athlete to try and get to Rio, this January I was released from the program and moved back home and back to normality from full time training. It was a mix of hard and easy to leave; I had a few friends but I think some of them didn't like me all that much either (30 people 16-28 seeing each other 5-7 days a week, it gets cliquey), and around August this year I hit a massive low and had therapy for depression. It was pretty bad, I just got to a point and simply didn't get up for training that day, it's not really the sort of thing you do, anyway I got seen by our doc and everything was essentially cleared.

Since I moved back home I haven't been taking anti-depressants, although I'm starting to think maybe I should. It hasn't really been a problem these past months I'm well on my way to kicking off an acting career, I'm getting interest from people to compete in ITF Taekwondo at world level... but right now I just lost the motivation.

Something has always been missing really; I've never had a gf. I'm 22, I've had time with females but never a gf. You know something I've realised is that when people find that out and if you get to that age and a virgin (I'm not now, month or so ago) and never had a gf people look at you differently. I could chase the same girls in the same way as someone considered a "player" but I get looked at as a bit of a creep because of those things. that's something that made it easier to leave the academy actually.

Anyway I've been messing around on Tinder not really met many girls on there from my matches (met 1, simply didn't work out etc.) but there's a girl I really like and trying to meet up with her has been a real pain in the ass. She's actually single, does think I'm alright, and I'm back living in the same city as her, but she seems so god damn busy I can't get to see her it sucks. I'm a picky person, and I can also be very single minded when I find something I want; in this case I want to see her so I'm stuck in this position of potentially wasting my time trying to get something to happen when it won't. Something I just don't want to do anymore. I've wasted years of potentially meeting someone nice doing that before.

Also just to clarify I wouldn't say I'm desperate for a gf, but I just get lonely sometimes. Who wouldn't right? And I do want to experience this relationship thing.

Anyway, at some point earlier everything just came to fruition. The game was killing me, I didn't feel like the training I was doing to get stronger so I can be a more rounded stunt performer and actor was getting me anywhere, Taylor is being damn hard to pin down and I really like her, I can't seem to catch a break with any girl come to think of it, and there doesn't seem to be much to look forward to in the near future. I mean clearly there might be, but I just can't see it. And it's killing me.

So here I lay in my bed. I think the best way to describe it is that I feel tired. I'm tired of missing training for Rio, I'm tired of shrugging another girls rejection of them simply not even replying at all, I'm tired of the training and what I still need to do, I'm tired of searching for a day job in the mean time, I'm tired of playing Destiny, I'm just tired.

I'm tired in a way that can't be slept off. And I don't know what to do. Someone please help me.

 

[Ferrocyanide]

I know sort of how you feel; I have been in a position where I felt like I was getting no satisfaction out of life. It didn't last all that long, but I know exactly what you mean, sort of the moment where you look at what you are doing and ask "why?"

Is there anything else in your life that you are passionate about? Anything at all will do. It sounds to me like you need to get back on the horse, so to speak. Finding a new hobby might give you an unexpected new calling, or at least act as a stop-gap to focus your attention on.

As for getting a girlfriend, I'm probably a pretty bad guy to ask in terms of how to "play the game", since I've never tried to go on a date or anything. Any relationships I've ever been in have been kind of by accident. Friends become more than friends, if you know what I mean. So I suppose the only advice I can give you on that front is try and find a new group of friends. I know it's hard, but I guess you could try looking for a hobby that involves a group or something. Tabletop gaming? Book club? Knitting? Whatever it turns out to be, it sounds like you just need a bit more human interaction to stay sane. Not to shrug off depression as not a serious condition, though.

If your doctor says you need to be taking antidepressants and you feel that you still need them, you should probably start taking them again. If you feel that you could cope without them, then try to push through it. Things will pick up in time, but sitting and playing Destiny by yourself is probably not going to fix it.

When I'm feeling stuck, I usually start browsing the net. Sometimes I find something cool and I get this incredible urge to try something new; cooking a new dish, writing short stories, poetry, drawing pictures, or trying to write new music in a different style. Hell, sometimes I just doodle aimlessly. I'm that sort of guy. I don't always finish what I start, so it's not perfect, but for the time that I spend dabbling in a new hobby, I am happy.

I hope this helps; I'm sorry if I'm just ticking all those cliches off, but it's all I can think to write right now.

Hope you start to feel better soon.

 

[Terminal Blue]

A feeling of persistent tiredness or not getting any enjoyment out of things which should be fun or interesting are potential symptoms of depression. There's a difference, however, between being depressed and being clinically depressed. Many people have depressed feelings at some point, and usually they're short lived and connected to life events. If you feel like this for a long time, like a month or two on end, you should consider restarting anti-depressants as it's usually not a good idea to let that go unmanaged. As an actor and athlete, however, I can understand why it would be a hard decision. It's often very difficult to manage your weight while on medication, for example, so you need to weigh up whether that's going to cause more problems than it solves. Talk it through with your doctor.

People in that space of being a bit depressed often fixate on things which seem like they might be solutions. Relationships are the obvious example. Often, we develop this idea that if we could somehow get into a relationship or fix a relationship everything would be okay. It's important to recognize that while having good relationships can be very helpful, entering into a relationship or even pursuing one under those terms is often quite self-defeating because you're likely to end up putting too much pressure on the other person, which will then reflect back on you and make you feel worse. It's important to recognize that even quite successful relationships can be a big emotional risk as well as a reward. A bad relationship is pretty devastating to go through and most people who have experienced it try to avoid it. That's partly why when someone comes off as too enthusiastic or single minded it often sets off alarm bells for people.

In short, what I'm saying here is that you're not alone, but while you aren't alone everyone does handle these things differently. For me, I find what helps is to try and remember that perception is not always reality. While you may not be able to see any light at the end of the tunnel right now, the chances are that good things will happen to you, in fact the chances are that small good things are happening to you right now all the time. Being depressed actually takes away your ability to notice and to feel that rewarding feeling you get when something good happens, but actually from an outsiders perspective it seems like things are going really well for you. You have a shot at an acting career (that's a very difficult thing to even get started at!), you were good enough to have a shot at the Olympics which is testament to extraordinary ability, and you've met someone who you like and who has a good chance of liking you back. It's easy to fixate on the things which didn't go well and lose track of the big picture which is.. well.. kind of good and bad mixed together, which isn't too far from how most people's lives are. The trick is learning to see it.

 

[Danny Dowling]

2 great replies. Thank you.

I have been better since, I was better the day after, had 3 hours to myself at my bros kickboxing gym and just enjoyed it all really.

Yesterday did some choreography for a shortfilm which was awesome.

Booked apointment with the GP, guess I just need Fluoxatine to give me that kick

 

[JohnnyDelRay]

Might sound like a stupid initial suggestion, but try playing other games besides Destiny. Besides yourself, I've heard about 4 or 5 people playing that game get them into a gaming-lull-depression. It goes nowhere, and doesn't have the quick restart give-that-another-crack like say counter-strike or Hotline Miami. Avoid anything grindy, and just play something that gives you a quicker rush and then put it down again.

Other than that, I can say give the girl a go, but if it seems like work then it's not always worth the reward - you have to look at the kind of person you are, and really think of the kind of person she is and wants as well. If you'd like a girl who'd give you the time of day, you need to find one who will, so to speak. Playing hard to get should be exciting, not a chore for the other party. So if it starts going that way, do yourself a favor and start the introspection on what and who it is you want. The relationship does help, I'll admit cutting my losses with the wrong kind of girl and finding yourself someone compatible helps a LOT (absolutely in my case, happily married now).

 

[Danny Dowling]

Might sound like a stupid initial suggestion, but try playing other games besides Destiny. Besides yourself, I've heard about 4 or 5 people playing that game get them into a gaming-lull-depression. It goes nowhere, and doesn't have the quick restart give-that-another-crack like say counter-strike or Hotline Miami. Avoid anything grindy, and just play something that gives you a quicker rush and then put it down again.

Other than that, I can say give the girl a go, but if it seems like work then it's not always worth the reward - you have to look at the kind of person you are, and really think of the kind of person she is and wants as well. If you'd like a girl who'd give you the time of day, you need to find one who will, so to speak. Playing hard to get should be exciting, not a chore for the other party. So if it starts going that way, do yourself a favor and start the introspection on what and who it is you want. The relationship does help, I'll admit cutting my losses with the wrong kind of girl and finding yourself someone compatible helps a LOT (absolutely in my case, happily married now).

Yeah I know what you mean about Destiny. It's very easy to burn out playing that game. However, I do like long drawn out grindy games and enjoy the adventure. I'm currently getting my marks on my character to 200 and having 10 5000+ exp bounties ready for the next DLC and as soon as that prep is done I'm going to spend more time playing other games.

Yeah she's interested, she is genuinely busy lol. It's a pain in the ass for me cause I'm currently without a day job and only just starting in the film industry so I've got bare free time lol. Hopefully we meet next week fingers crossed.

 

[Metailurus]

You might only be 22, but if you are getting a shot at some fairly high level stuff due to your Taekwondo, why don't you consider working towards coaching it, or pick up the ITF stuff for the time being? It might not be the full answer to your predicament as you sound ready to move on from your current activities, but it could be a constructive time filler in the short term.

Motivation is an issue in any profession, sometimes the best option is to battle through it rather than bounce off it.