I have a girl problem guys and gals

[Endgame]

Ok, i will try to make this long story as short as possible for the ADHDites like myself. For some background, I am 18, Canadian, just recently entered college after graduating high school(living at home) in electrical engineering technology (not the most gender balanced program). Not too much dating or experience in the physical side of things(near total virgin). In high school I let myself be set back by chronic depression and anxiety disorders; was not too popular even though i was a varsity rugby player(hooker!!) and seemed to be well liked. but never could get a solid group of friends until what seems to be shaping up recently. I have been told that i am attractive and dress well (i guess man)

the real story. so I have been talking to this girl for the past four months via facebook (she is from my old high school and is still a student there); and that's all it seems to amount to. I have successfully made plans with her twice, with the second time amounting to a little kissing action. she seems to be genuine in her feelings for me but will not commit to a closed relationship, saying she is not ready, and "going through so much". Nearly every time i make plans with her she has stood me up or canceled at the last minute; begging for my forgiveness and saying she will do better next time.

So this weekend with her canceling for our coffee date, i get fed up and try to break off contact. I "unfriend" her and tell her not to message me anymore. she then starts pleading and tries to friend me six more times. proceeding to apologize and say that she is trying, and that she is "going through a lot". and wants me to give her a chance to redeem herself one last time and that she genuinely likes me. I have no idea what to do and is fed up with her behavior but have decided to give it one last shot. what do you guys think?

 

[DisasterSoiree]

Women do these things to assert their control. If you appear needy, she'll recognize that and capitalize on it as soon as it hits her that you need her more than she needs you. You've done the right thing by unfriending her and telling her not to speak to you again. If she really wants to remain in contact, she'll pursue you. You're in the position of power here. Don't give that up.

Stay the course. Keep your distance.

 

[Keoul]

Re-add her as a friend but this time don't set anything up.
Don't make the first move, always wait for her to do something, don't invite her out, don't plan a date, do nothing. If she really likes you and all that lovey dovey stuff she'll make the effort and set-everything up.

Basically if you like her, re-add as a friend but stop trying to hard to hang out, she hasn't exactly done something terrible like cheat on you, find out what's wrong or just be patient.
If you don't like her then c'est la vie and move on.

 

[manic_depressive13]

She sounds really awful and inconsiderate. Distancing yourself is probably the best thing to do.

 

[adam352]

I agree with Keoul, the thing to remember is that her behaviour makes you chase her, and gives her control. Make her make the first move, there's a good chance it will amount to nothing but you might as well see. Plus having her as a friend is an extra step in getting to know more people, which always helps if you have anxiety issues.

 

[gazumped]

I have no idea what to do and is fed up with her behavior but have decided to give it one last shot. what do you guys think?

Do whatever feels right for you. If she makes you happy and you genuinely want to make this work then try to stick to it until she's ready for a relationship. However, if you're really fed up I'd say don't bother, if the only reason you're thinking of giving it a shot is to make her happy. Maybe she is 'going through a lot' but that's not really your problem and you can't expend your energy on her if she's not willing to do the same for you.

I would suggest, though, that you don't leave it on a bitter note, maybe let her know that you don't hate her but you just don't have the time or energy to deal with a head screw at the moment, which is what she's doing whether she means to or not.

Women do these things to assert their control.

Ironically, I was going to say, it sounds like she's doing the same thing that my ex-boyfriend did when we broke up and he strung me along over whether or not he wanted me back, only kicking up a fuss once I'd moved on. Guys and gals can be equally self centred on this front, expecting you to wait for them to be 'ready' while giving you no good reason to do so.

 

[Endgame]

thanks for the replies guys, the escapist is always good for level headed advice or debate. I totally understand what you are saying about her playing games and trying to assert control in the relationship. I must make an effort to become more dominant. Jesus Christ, this is why I avoiding dating in highschool; people are so immature. I will continue to keep my distance and cut of conversation.

However what I forgot to mention was that she is always the one that instigates conversation in the first place, she always talks first, I set up plans, then she never shows up or cancels. complete bull.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

thanks for the replies guys, the escapist is always good for level headed advice or debate. I totally understand what you are saying about her playing games and trying to assert control in the relationship. I must make an effort to become more dominant. Jesus Christ, this is why I avoiding dating in highschool; people are so immature. I will continue to keep my distance and cut of conversation.

However what I forgot to mention was that she is always the one that instigates conversation in the first place, she always talks first, I set up plans, then she never shows up or cancels. complete bull.

She sounds a bit flaky. I don't think this is necessarily a sign that she's playing head games, but if reliability in a romantic partner is high on your list of requirements she's obviously not a super solid bet.

Flaky isn't the end of the world though. She might actually be going through a lot of stuff. If you can, try and strike a balance between insisting she respects your time and being understanding. Normally when people blow off dates or romantic advances, it's a pretty clean sign they're not interested, but from your description this girl doesn't exactly fit that profile. She sounds erratic. That could be attributable to any of a number of things, some of them perfectly innocent or justifiable. So, I'd be wary, but I wouldn't write it off just yet if you're still interested.

 

[Endgame]

yes that is true Bloated Gippy. I do find her quite a bit flaky. however from the amount of mixed signals she has sent in the past I do think she likes to play some games. But if she is actually going through any type of trauma or through a lot. I don't know what to think, sometimes she is fine, sometimes she is a basket case. but it gives off an "oh woe is me" vibe. I am going to give it one more shot however.

 

[sanquin]

As said before: Don't make the first move this time. Let her friend you again, sure. But don't ask her out for anything again. At most tell her that she'll get a chance to redeem herself, but that she'll have to make it happen this time.

This part is not always advised. It hugely depends on the situation, but:
Heck, maybe you can even cancel the next date she attempts with you at the last moment. Put her into the position you've been in quite a few times now. See how she reacts. Even if you do this though, don't make a habit out of it...maybe once.