I Just Want to Quit Everything

[soren7550]

I gone years and years trying my damnedest to do okay, and I've got nothing to show for it. The state refuses to recognize I exist, I often wonder how mentally competent I am, I work multiple jobs and I'm still making well below the poverty line (the numbers I found consider a monthly income of $970-ish USD at the poverty line. I make less than $400 a month), pretty much everyone I've met I tolerate the existence of at best, save for one person who doesn't really wish to deal with me much anymore. I've pretty much been sleeping on other's couches the past four years, and more often than not, I'm stuck with a meal a day.
I don't wish to speak with my family anymore, and I'm stuck spending most of my days with one of them on their frequently animal shat upon couch in his self contained landfill of an apartment in a neighborhood that holds pretty much nothing but horrible memories for me.

The whole 'it gets better' thing is laughable to me. How long do you have to go on before it becomes evident it won't get better? I've got 23 years of this crap going for me, and I fail to see the reason to keep it up. I had one good thing going for me, and it blew up in my face so god damn hard that quite frankly, I have no clue how I'm still around.

I can't get help because no official source believes I'm real.
Just go to your local assembly person(s) to sort that out!
Don't see how I can do that if I'm couch hopping between boroughs.
Seek professional help!
That costs money and requires insurance I will never have.
Look for more work!
Yeah, because I haven't tried that for nine years, and I doubt the whole hardly has any experience thing coupled with the was put in a mental ward thing helps.
Get help from friends!
I have only one friend, and he doesn't wish to deal with me much anymore.
Get help from family!
I can't stand them, and being able to stay on the animal shit couch in the self contained landfill is the best I can hope for.

I am just so fucking tired of doing all this for nothing. There's only so much I can tolerate hearing about one's fantastic ski trip, one's booming business, one's glorious social life, one's leisurely comfortable lifestyle, before I just conclude that I'm being punished for having the nerve to exist. I fail to see why I should keep this pitiful charade up.

EDIT: I should probably make clear that currently I'm not in the mindset that I have to kill myself, more like I just want to drop everything and crawl into a hole and never come out, although with how things have been going the past several months, I will again go back to that line of thought, but I refuse to be put back into that fucking hospital again.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

snip

An understatement, sounds like you're in a pretty shitty situation. I think before I could actually give you any advice, even with all you've wrote here, I don't feel like I have enough information. How did you come to be in the situation you're in? What's your back story (for lack of a better way to put it)? Why does the state refuse to recognize you exist? What kind of jobs are you working that you can work so many and make so little? How long have you been at these jobs?

If you want to talk, but don't feel comfortable in the forms, I can certainly lend an ear through PM.

 

[soren7550]

How did you come to be in the situation you're in?

Around September the building I was living in with the boyfriend was being sold and we knew we were going to be evicted, so he found a new place to live. However, the place he found would only allow three people to live in the apartment (he was going to rent the place with two friends), so in October I had to move to my brother's place. Shortly after that, the boyfriend broke up with me largely due to my financials.

What's your back story (for lack of a better way to put it)?

Shitty parents, never had money, father was a massive dick, mother went insane, brothers were always massive asshole, lot of them hated me because I didn't want to be like them. One day my mother decided to get rid of me (likely because she knew I would call the cops on her boyfriend she was golddigging) by calling the cops and told them I was trying to kill someone or some such.

Why does the state refuse to recognize you exist?

No god damn clue. All I know is when I tried to vote it didn't count, and when I tried to apply for Medicaid I was informed that all my information was wrong.

What kind of jobs are you working that you can work so many and make so little? How long have you been at these jobs?

Cleaning lady & random task doer for a tabletop game store/after school program, and personal assistant for a paralyzed guy. Used to also work for GameStop, but my seasonal position ended in January.

 

[Aramis Night]

This may sound odd, but leaving where I was miserable was the best thing I ever did. Even if it did mean living on the streets. Sever your ties and move on. I wont claim it's a fantastic life option and I'm grateful to no longer be homeless, but it's at least a different kind of misery. In many ways I'm really glad I had the experience. Get out of there at all costs and don't look back. Just make sure you have a valid ID/SS card/Birth certificate/passport or any combination of before you take that leap. If those are the big issue with the state not recognizing you then make that your biggest priority to fix since nothing else can be fixed without those.

 

[Rosiv]

This may sound odd, but leaving where I was miserable was the best thing I ever did. Even if it did mean living on the streets. Sever your ties and move on. I wont claim it's a fantastic life option and I'm grateful to no longer be homeless, but it's at least a different kind of misery. In many ways I'm really glad I had the experience. Get out of there at all costs and don't look back. Just make sure you have a valid ID/SS card/Birth certificate/passport or any combination of before you take that leap. If those are the big issue with the state not recognizing you then make that your biggest priority to fix since nothing else can be fixed without those.

I was always envious of this type of free spirit nature, even though in reality i dont think it is the best advice. Statically, poor people abandoning what little they have doesnt seem like a good thing, but maybe that is because no one studies it, who knows?

@soren7550

Is it not possible to save up money? A 1$ a day is 300$ a year. Heck, 50ct a week is like 24$ a year. 24$ could by cheap food, or simply go to more savings. If you are really that poor, would food stamps not be an option?

Or go attend college to get some useful, employable skill? Baby boomers are getting old and need nursing. And poor people tend to get financial aid for schooling, so maybe community college courses to get your easy credits, then transfer and finish a degree?

If you can afford to live alone, and have time to be on the internet, in my opinion your doing better than most. Alot of people go to college and make nothing out of it, only to end up in debt and forced to live with their parents. If your 23 and independent, that is something i would kill for.

 

[soren7550]

This may sound odd, but leaving where I was miserable was the best thing I ever did. Even if it did mean living on the streets. Sever your ties and move on. I wont claim it's a fantastic life option and I'm grateful to no longer be homeless, but it's at least a different kind of misery. In many ways I'm really glad I had the experience. Get out of there at all costs and don't look back. Just make sure you have a valid ID/SS card/Birth certificate/passport or any combination of before you take that leap. If those are the big issue with the state not recognizing you then make that your biggest priority to fix since nothing else can be fixed without those.

I was always envious of this type of free spirit nature, even though in reality i dont think it is the best advice. Statically, poor people abandoning what little they have doesnt seem like a good thing, but maybe that is because no one studies it, who knows?

@soren7550

Is it not possible to save up money? A 1$ a day is 300$ a year. Heck, 50ct a week is like 24$ a year. 24$ could by cheap food, or simply go to more savings. If you are really that poor, would food stamps not be an option?

Or go attend college to get some useful, employable skill? Baby boomers are getting old and need nursing. And poor people tend to get financial aid for schooling, so maybe community college courses to get your easy credits, then transfer and finish a degree?

If you can afford to live alone, and have time to be on the internet, in my opinion your doing better than most. Alot of people go to college and make nothing out of it, only to end up in debt and forced to live with their parents. If your 23 and independent, that is something i would kill for.

The little money I spend goes to food and subway fare. Rest goes in the bank. I tried applying for food stamps before, and wasn't eligible, and have that whole 'people more important than me don't believe I'm real' thing going on.

Can't do college since I need work now. Also, courses cost money.

I can't afford to live on my own (hence the couch hopping), and the poverty I'm stuck with hardly qualifies me as an independent individual. As for the internet, I do at points not have work. If I was working all the damn time, this probably wouldn't be an issue.

 

[Rosiv]

This may sound odd, but leaving where I was miserable was the best thing I ever did. Even if it did mean living on the streets. Sever your ties and move on. I wont claim it's a fantastic life option and I'm grateful to no longer be homeless, but it's at least a different kind of misery. In many ways I'm really glad I had the experience. Get out of there at all costs and don't look back. Just make sure you have a valid ID/SS card/Birth certificate/passport or any combination of before you take that leap. If those are the big issue with the state not recognizing you then make that your biggest priority to fix since nothing else can be fixed without those.

I was always envious of this type of free spirit nature, even though in reality i dont think it is the best advice. Statically, poor people abandoning what little they have doesnt seem like a good thing, but maybe that is because no one studies it, who knows?

@soren7550

Is it not possible to save up money? A 1$ a day is 300$ a year. Heck, 50ct a week is like 24$ a year. 24$ could by cheap food, or simply go to more savings. If you are really that poor, would food stamps not be an option?

Or go attend college to get some useful, employable skill? Baby boomers are getting old and need nursing. And poor people tend to get financial aid for schooling, so maybe community college courses to get your easy credits, then transfer and finish a degree?

If you can afford to live alone, and have time to be on the internet, in my opinion your doing better than most. Alot of people go to college and make nothing out of it, only to end up in debt and forced to live with their parents. If your 23 and independent, that is something i would kill for.

The little money I spend goes to food and subway fare. Rest goes in the bank. I tried applying for food stamps before, and wasn't eligible, and have that whole 'people more important than me don't believe I'm real' thing going on.

Can't do college since I need work now. Also, courses cost money.

I can't afford to live on my own (hence the couch hopping), and the poverty I'm stuck with hardly qualifies me as an independent individual. As for the internet, I do at points not have work. If I was working all the damn time, this probably wouldn't be an issue.

You dont qualify why though? If you are below a certain income you should. Fuck i know of people who HYPOTHETICALLY lie to get food stamps and the like. Given your situation i wouldnt see it as crazy. As for affording courses, financial aid? That could help.

 

[soren7550]

You dont qualify why though? If you are below a certain income you should. Fuck i know of people who HYPOTHETICALLY lie to get food stamps and the like. Given your situation i wouldnt see it as crazy. As for affording courses, financial aid? That could help.

From what I remember, it needs you to be a certain age and have been out of work for X amount of time.

Financial aid, I got no one to cosign and at the rate I'm going, I'd never be able to pay it off. I'd rather not be in debt on top of everything else going on right now.

 

[Rosiv]

You dont qualify why though? If you are below a certain income you should. Fuck i know of people who HYPOTHETICALLY lie to get food stamps and the like. Given your situation i wouldnt see it as crazy. As for affording courses, financial aid? That could help.

From what I remember, it needs you to be a certain age and have been out of work for X amount of time.

Financial aid, I got no one to cosign and at the rate I'm going, I'd never be able to pay it off. I'd rather not be in debt on top of everything else going on right now.

Finacial aid can come in two flavors, money for school,and federal loans. The amount of free money for school one can get is calculated for ones lifetime. Since you are a independent(legally) and a adult(legally) you should be quailfied for both. My community college tutuion use to be covered by the entirety of the money I got from financial aid alone(this was money given to me by the state/ fed gov and NOT loan money). They raised tutition though and I had to go on loans, but only for a bit.

If you are considering college, talk to a financial aid advisor, ask them for help in getting finanical aid, because there is no need to co sign for it( not talking about the loans). Hell I was a full time student, so if you go part time you could be going for free, bearing on how much you get.

I am a new york state resident, I think you are too. Therefore you are also eligable for TAP . The state based finaical aid ( not a loan) that can also assist in funding.

So as long as you have access to your tax returns and w-2 and are able to scout out potential schools to start with I wouldn't be put off be collge entirely.

EDIT: Here is a source on the types of financial aid:
http://www.hesc.ny.gov/pay-for-college/financial-aid/what-is-financial-aid.html

And the copy pasta if u dont wanna click:

Spoiler

Financial aid helps pay the cost of attending college, which includes:

Tuition and fees
Room and board
Books and supplies
Transportation
Miscellaneous personal expenses
Required loan fees
Study abroad costs
Dependent care expenses
Expenses related to a student's disability
Some financial aid is based on financial need.

Some financial aid is awarded based on other criteria, such as grades.

Financial aid includes grants and scholarships -- called "free money" because they don't have to be paid back. It also includes student loans.

Financial aid comes from a variety of sources:

Federal government
New York State
Colleges
Community organizations, associations and other groups

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

Around September the building I was living in with the boyfriend was being sold and we knew we were going to be evicted, so he found a new place to live. However, the place he found would only allow three people to live in the apartment (he was going to rent the place with two friends), so in October I had to move to my brother's place. Shortly after that, the boyfriend broke up with me largely due to my financials.

Shitty parents, never had money, father was a massive dick, mother went insane, brothers were always massive asshole, lot of them hated me because I didn't want to be like them. One day my mother decided to get rid of me (likely because she knew I would call the cops on her boyfriend she was golddigging) by calling the cops and told them I was trying to kill someone or some such.

I know it may sound strange given your circumstances, but you need to increase your support network. Since your family isn't much help, you need other people to fill the gap. Go someplace where other people hang out and get to know them. If it's free to get in, all the better and you don't need to drink alcohol, water is free. A little social time will help to take your mind off your situation and you may meet a new boyfriend who doesn't care so much about financials (maybe he's struggling as well and the two of you can benefit from each other), or make some friends who are more understanding about hard times and may offer you a better couch to crash on.

No god damn clue. All I know is when I tried to vote it didn't count, and when I tried to apply for Medicaid I was informed that all my information was wrong.

That doesn't make any sense. Do you have a valid ID/Drivers license? A birth certificate? A Social Security card? You're going to need as much as possible to prove your identity. I had a friend who lost... everything beside an expired passport. It was a pain in the butt, but we slowly managed to get all of his identification back. If you need to do this, start with the more "lax" agencies such as the birth certificate. If you have enough documentation already, I'd call the social security office where they keep all that information and try and get it straightened out. They'll probably ask you some questions like your SS number, your DOB, your mother's maiden name, the city and state in which you were born, and stuff like that, so be prepared to jump through their hoops, but it will be worth it to get everything squared away.

Cleaning lady & random task doer for a tabletop game store/after school program, and personal assistant for a paralyzed guy. Used to also work for GameStop, but my seasonal position ended in January.

Have you been at any of these jobs for a reasonable amount of time (at least a year), ask for a raise, they're apparently getting a deal by employing you and the most that can happen is they say "no". If you're getting paid next to nothing on any of them, look for something else, even if it's burger flipping at McDonalds.

 

[Fox12]

Alright, lets calm down and look at this from the ground up.

1) You NEED identification. A drivers license, a birth certificate, and a social security card. Get into contact with the necessary agencies, and be ready to answer questions. They may try to blow you off, but don't let them. Don't be afraid to ask for their manager/boss. If they can't help you then ask them what you need to do, or who you need to contact. Work from there up. Don't be afraid to call back as often as necessary.

2) Eclipse Dragon has it right, you need friends. This may be hard for you if you're shy, but you need to put yourself out there. Find some haunts with like minded people. Make friends with your friends friends. I know you mentioned that you don't like people, but maybe it's just certain personality types? Be the kind of person who helps others out, and form a give and take relationship with them. If you crash at a friends place, even if you can't pay rent, maybe you can clean up during your free time? I had a friend stay with me a while after his racist grandad kicked him out. You just need a support base.

3) Try to find a part time job. If you can't because of identification, then go back to step 1. Flip burgers, clean tables at a cafe, do whatever it takes. Call a business and ask if their hiring. If they're not, then keep calling them periodically (every week or two). You'll annoy them, but when a position opens you'll be the first one they think of. I have friends who hire, and they say they pay attention to these things. I make over twice as much as you do, and I promise, I don't make much. Getting a $7.25 job is fine. Once you're there, never stop looking for a better job. If you can find a $9 cashier job then go for it. Wherever you end up, try to learn how to move up. If you're a cashier then learn how to handle returns and special orders. Get moved to a $10 and up position. Work also affords you a valuable opportunity to make new friends with your coworkers. Furthermore, I know my work place, home depot, has something called the Homer Fund for down on their luck employees. I'm sure other stores have similar programs.

I know things suck sometimes for no reason, but they can always improve if you stick with it. My dad had to live in his car for a few months when he was a teenager, because his stepdad was an abusive monster of a person. I'm not promising rainbows and butterflies, but you could always end up meeting someone special. I'm really sorry about your difficulties. Just remember that you're a fucking BADASS.

 

[L. Declis]

My advice is make a list. What is the most vital and what must be done. Everything else gets dropped.

1) You need I.D. All of them. Drivers license, passport, birth certificate, anything else that is official you can get your hands on, get it.
2) Always be asking around. Look around. The internet is a great resource. Grab some C.Vs. G out for a walk. Pop into every shop and ask if they have a job available. Be kind and polite. Leave your CV behind. Visit them weekly. Get to know them. Phone them. Email them. Attack from every avenue. You'd be surprised how being annoying can help.
3) List a set of steps. E.g. 1- Get ID. 2- Get job. 3- Find place to live with roommates. In a better area. Or nearer your job. Ask around your job if they have any rooms going? Having a list can focus your mind. Get rid of anything extraneous; you don't have the time or money for that now.
4) Improve yourself. Do some exercise. You can jog. You can do push-ups and sit-ups. Look for local clubs. Some run for free. Join them. Local park has chess? Learn chess. You have the internet; learn philosophy, learn history, etc. Have many languages do you speak? All of them? If not, go to Memrize and Duolingo. Learn more. Can you code? Coder's Academy. The internet has so much available for free. Always improve yourself. Build those skills. Add them o your CV. Keep pushing. Never settle.
5) With the above, look after yourself. Learn to cook. Learn how to dress. Look good. Look at fashion forums and websites. Learn basic fashion. Get in shape. Be clean-shaven or well-groomed. Make yourself a better man.
6) Contact EVERY advice agency. Don't know your country, but in the U.K., there are LOADS of advice agencies there to help. Charities, universities can be good as well. If you're polite, people will try to help you.
7) Build a support network. Start spending time with friends. Go on walks. Go on hikes. Go to theirs and bring some food you made. Do so online as well. Volunteer for things. Make friends. As much as you may not want to hear it, you should try to mend bridges with your family. Don't let them mistreat you, but they are a group of people with a vested interest in you, and it can't hurt to be the bigger man.
8) Learn that free isn't bad. You have no money for games? League of Legends is free. Manga is free online. Watch old movies. All legal. Save that money for more important things