I messed up! (relationship thread)

[hyperhammy]

Dear Escapist,
I really messed up with this one girl I'm really into! My best friend (let's call him A) told me how a bunch of girls were talking shit behind my back! They were friends with this girl (Let's call her L). They were basicly saying what an ass I am for being mean to certain people (whom I hate). I talked to L about it later and she was telling me how I could be nicer... which I misunderstood to her saying "you should change". I don't have a lot of principles, but I will NEVER change for ANYBODY except me! I flew off the fucking handle, really getting upset at her. Turns out she didn't mean it like that, and she was having a bad time anyway, since most of her friends were leaving her for other people. She thought I was also trying to get rid of her... now I feel really bad...
Is there a way to fix this? Was I being a jerk?

 

[Jedamethis]

Say sorry, and explain the situation like you have just now.

Woo! I gave somebody advice which made sense

 

[Chancie]

Yes, you were being a jerk and you kinda overreacted. And yes, you can fix it. All it takes is for you to apologize to her. I really don't think it was bad enough to anything more than that to be fixed.

 

[Julianking93]

snippy

Well that's rather simple. Just tell her exactly that.

Tell her you didn't mean it that way and you misunderstood. It was a mistake and a misunderstanding. "I'm so sorry and I didn't mean for you to feel that way" should probably do the trick.


And yes, you were probably being a jerk if you got so mad to piss her off like that.

 

[Darkgoosey666]

yes, you were. way to detonate a relationship

theres only one reply that matters and thats the first.

 

[Royta]

Like Jedamethis said, it's quite simple. Sit down, appologise and explain what happened.
If she still dislikes you after that then well, the only thing you can do is let it cool down.

 

[Sacman]

suck it up, you take advice from no one!!!
Or perhaps apologize that works too...

 

[Booze Zombie]

You know that paragraph right there? Use that, in your head.
Explain the situation.

 

[DanDeFool]

...What they said.

AND next time, don't lose your cool. Not wanting to change for other people is fine, you should do what you want and what you think is best for you, but being a dick about it won't win you any friends.

 

[hyperhammy]

Say sorry, and explain the situation like you have just now.

Woo! I gave somebody advice which made sense

I'm amazed... some real advice from people on the internet xD

 

[SnootyEnglishman]

A simple apology with an explanation of your behavior should do the job.

 

[Elle-Jai]

Good question.

This is a trend I'm seeing amongst my friends, and that is the automatic assumption that the way you are interpreting someone else's words through a filter of your own expectations is not always going to be the way in which they were intended to come across. When you're not sure or think someone is saying something negative to you, CHECK!!!! As in "I'm hearing ___, is that what you meant to say, or have I misunderstood?" and give them a chance to explain.

Also, any girl who wants to "change" you usually only does it in accordance with the Venusian rule that it is an expression of love to help someone grow into their full potential. This of course clashes with the Martian prerogative of "if it's not broken, don't fix it" (obviously carrying connotations of "if you're trying to fix me it must mean you think I'm broken".) ((All this is general, clearly not applying to every person in every circumstance and nicked rather directly from "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray.))

Onto how to fix it: As jedamethis said, apologise, and explain that you misunderstood and would like a second chance.

Also, yes, you were being a jerk. Refer back to paragraph one of my mini-essay in order to avoid this particular brand of jerkiness in future. (And ftr, I don't want to change you, just make it harder for people to misunderstand one another )

 

[Arawn.Chernobog]

This is delicious, please make more of these gigantic mistakes and report them on the forums... it will please me to feed off your personal misery as you crawl to random strangers for advice when the solution is to man-up and face the problems you create with your resources.

 

[Jedamethis]

Say sorry, and explain the situation like you have just now.

Woo! I gave somebody advice which made sense

I'm amazed... some real advice from people on the internet xD

Spoiler: That's because:

I'm not from the internet.
I. AM. The internet.

 

[WrongSprite]

Yeah, copy and paste that OP to your mouth, and tell her that.

 

[Desgardes]

It's a very foolish outlook to refuse to change. I guess you can take solace in the fact that we've passed the time where that trait would kill you outright. A little more on topic, I think that there is a way to salvage it, but you'd probably want to approach a little more temperately. Can you do that?

 

[hyperhammy]

Good question.

This is a trend I'm seeing amongst my friends, and that is the automatic assumption that the way you are interpreting someone else's words through a filter of your own expectations is not always going to be the way in which they were intended to come across. When you're not sure or think someone is saying something negative to you, CHECK!!!! As in "I'm hearing ___, is that what you meant to say, or have I misunderstood?" and give them a chance to explain.

Also, any girl who wants to "change" you usually only does it in accordance with the Venusian rule that it is an expression of love to help someone grow into their full potential. This of course clashes with the Martian prerogative of "if it's not broken, don't fix it" (obviously carrying connotations of "if you're trying to fix me it must mean you think I'm broken".) ((All this is general, clearly not applying to every person in every circumstance and nicked rather directly from "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray.))

Onto how to fix it: As jedamethis said, apologise, and explain that you misunderstood and would like a second chance.

Also, yes, you were being a jerk. Refer back to paragraph one of my mini-essay in order to avoid this particular brand of jerkiness in future. (And ftr, I don't want to change you, just make it harder for people to misunderstand one another )

Wow... great advice! I am trying to better myself, I just hate it when OTHER people try to. Like you said, it makes me feel "broken"! I also want to stay true to myself, and not wake up one day noticing that I'm living another person's life!

 

[Elle-Jai]

Well that's rather simple. Just tell her exactly that.

Tell her you didn't mean it that way and you misunderstood. It was a mistake and a misunderstanding. "I'm so sorry and I didn't mean for you to feel that way" should probably do the trick.

I'd probably avoid the part where you say "I didn't mean for you to feel that way" as it sounds like it's invalidating her feelings and hence will upset her more. Something along the lines of "I'm so sorry I hurt you, how can I make it up to you?" will work better IMO...

 

[Communist partisan]

This is delicious, please make more of these gigantic mistakes and report them on the forums... it will please me to feed off your personal misery as you crawl to random strangers for advice.

I really hope that he will do that.