Oh, honey. You sound like me. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through that kind of treatment from others. I've also been yelled at on the street for being "too ugly" since I was a teenager, and it never stops hurting. It's honestly taken me until about the last year to finally start to change how I think of myself and begin to accept that there isn't something inherently wrong with how I look. It's hard, though. No question about that.
Have you ever considered talking to a therapist about how you feel? There's a condition called body dysmorphia that makes it difficult for people to see their looks as how they really are. When they look in the mirror, all they see are flaws (or in some cases, a single flaw they can't stop focussing on), and can't evaluate themselves and their looks even a little bit objectively. It's kind of a forest for the trees thing. It definitely doesn't help when cruel people go out of their way to pick on you -- not because there's anything objectively wrong with how you look, but because most bullies assume that insulting someone's looks will cut straight to the bone, so it's an easy place to go to get a reaction. Unfortunately, with a lot of us, they're all too right that it will hurt. But that does NOT mean that you should take their opinions to heart. Their only goal is to be mean, so they're not being objective either.
I hope that, having asked for and received some opinions on here, you can begin to believe that you're not ugly. FWIW, I think you're very attractive. I know my partner would too -- looks-wise, you are totally her type.
I know, though, that realistically it will probably take a lot more than just a few voices here to change how you feel about yourself. One thing that I have found helpful, and hope you may too, has been learning about the idea of being unconventionally attractive. It's a term a friend of mine used with me earlier this year, and it was kind of mind-blowing for me to think about at first. Essentially, it's a school of thought that says we don't all have to look like the people our societies hold up as the pinnacles of attractiveness to actually be attractive ourselves. That the images we see in magazines are only one type of attractiveness, and that there are lots of other ways to be physically attractive without looking like that. Some people, like me, even find people who are unconventional looking more attractive than conventional-looking people. Do you have any features that you feel okay about? For me, I've always been pretty okay with my lips and my eyes. Those are the only features I have never felt deeply self-conscious about -- but I've been starting with those and telling myself that I like those parts of my looks, as a starting point for trying to say kinder things to myself about how I look in general. It's helping, albeit very, very slowly. If you can think of a physical trait you like about yourself (and I sure hope you can, because I can see so many aspects of your looks that I think are just lovely), maybe it could help you find a starting point for seeing yourself more realistically (by which I mean, as a person who is not ugly), and talking to yourself more kindly about your looks. It can feel very fake at first, but if you keep doing it, it can actually change how you think -- or at least, it's helping me. One thing I know for sure is, you absolutely deserve to feel better about yourself and your looks than you've been made to feel in your life so far. No one should feel the kind of pain you're clearly going through. Especially not someone who seems as nice as you. *hugs*
