I need an opinion

[auron200004]

So, I'm going to just vent for a bit and ask you people's opinion on it. I've just been doing too much thinking lately.

I think I may have a mild (and I do mean mild, I'm not even comparable to the people who have it serious) case of clinical depression. I'm losing interest in all the things I generally enjoy, am starting to feel generally...apathetic? about most things, and I feel bored, like, all of the time.

That's not what I'm here to talk about, though (just setting the scene that is my mind). All this horribleness was largely brought on by my constant ruminating on the fact that I am 19 and still have not had a relationship that went beyond friendship.

Now, I'm not a handsome guy by any means, but I know people who are way more unattractive (both looks and personality-wise) than myself who have had tons of relationships. I'm still just the guy who's never had a girlfriend, is a virgin, and has only kissed a girl on a dare. And that's the thing: most people I tell this to seem to assume that I'm "waiting for the right one" or that I'm "saving myself" or whatever. I'm not. It...just sort of hasn't happened yet.

->>(those wanting to skip to the discussion value, read from here on)<<-

All my friends tell me that I need to focus on other things, that being single isn't that big of a deal. Others tell me that I shouldn't focus on what "society" wants (ie. for me to be in a relationship or whatever). That's the thing, I really don't give a damn what society wants, I care about what I want. And what I want is for a meaningful, reciprocated relationship that goes beyond just friendship...and I can't seem to get that.

Is that wrong? Is it wrong for me to feel sad about not getting something that I want? Hell, just having that knowledge that somebody else is attracted to me would be a bit of a mood-lifter.

I just have a feeling that if I go see a therapist or something, they'll tell me that I might need to change my outlook. But...I like my outlook...sort of. I want a relationship and that's the most valuable thing to me right now (and I just don't have one, unfortunately).

Anyway, does anybody understand where I'm coming from? Or does anybody agree/disagree with my mindset (sorry if I didn't word it very well, I'm not exactly skilled in that department).

 

[Keoul]

You're not wrong for wanting a relationship, you'd be wrong for wanting one to be handed to you.
Have you actually tried gettting a date? From the way you phrased yourself it doesn't sound like you're trying that hard and simply justifying your laziness.

Now, I'm not a handsome guy by any means, but I know people who are way more unattractive (both looks and personality-wise) than myself who have had tons of relationships.

It doesn't matter if YOU think they more unnattractive personality/physicaly wise because clearly since they've gotten dates, you're wrong. I don't want you to see my post as an attack on you saying how you're just lazy, but rather as a wake-up call. You're average and that's not going to cut it, be more active and you'll have a better shot of finding a meaningful relationship.

Go out more and you'll meet more people who might go out with you, work out more and you'll be more physically attractive, go study more and you'll be able to have a lasting conversation with someone. All you have to do really is to go improve yourself.

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

So you want a romantic relationship. Let me ask you a question, have you ever actually attempted to seek out said relationship?

You keep using phrases like "it hasn't happened yet" but getting into a romantic relationship with someone doesn't just happen, you need to make it happen. No one is going to go out with you if you don't ask them out. If you want a relationship then you need to be the one who initiates it. If you're just waiting for things to come to you then you're going to be waiting forever.

It's not your outlook that's the problem, it's the fact that you already feel like you've failed when you've never tried to begin with.

 

[auron200004]

You're not wrong for wanting a relationship, you'd be wrong for wanting one to be handed to you.
Have you actually tried gettting a date? From the way you phrased yourself it doesn't sound like you're trying that hard and simply justifying your laziness.

Now, I'm not a handsome guy by any means, but I know people who are way more unattractive (both looks and personality-wise) than myself who have had tons of relationships.

It doesn't matter if YOU think they more unnattractive personality/physicaly wise because clearly since they've gotten dates, you're wrong. I don't want you to see my post as an attack on you saying how you're just lazy, but rather as a wake-up call. You're average and that's not going to cut it, be more active and you'll have a better shot of finding a meaningful relationship.

Go out more and you'll meet more people who might go out with you, work out more and you'll be more physically attractive, go study more and you'll be able to have a lasting conversation with someone. All you have to do really is to go improve yourself.

No, no, I get what you're saying. And I'm not going to pretend that I am a super active person (most of my pursuits have been either video game related or philosophical and scientific -- which doesn't exclude me from all conversations, but it's requires a...specific type of person to interest them with those kind of conversations on a small-talk kind of level).

But it's not that I haven't tried...I just tend towards girls who either are "out of my league" or are just generally more interesting than I am. I've asked my fair share of girls out. From where I'm at, it's pretty self-explanatory that they weren't successful. I just really...suck...at flirting. I can hold conversations with girls like any other human (so it's not that I can't talk to girls). It's just that I'm just genuinely terrible at trying to put out that I'm attracted to them in a way that is more than platonic.

Generally, I just ask them out, they ask if it's a date, I say yes, and then they say that they "need to get to know me better" or that "they're going through some things". I realize their noncommittal to avoid hurting my feelings, but it's no different to a rejection. Occasionally, like with a recent girl, I just straight up tell them that I'm attracted to them (in this particular case, she doesn't tend to like people who bullshit her, so I thought she'd appreciate the honesty -- she did, but she didn't think of me like that).

I'm not, like, blaming them or anything. They aren't attracted to me, that's fine. I just wish that there was one time where I successfully flirt, they flirt back, and maybe something more than that can start to form. Hasn't happened yet, and that's my point.

 

[Nouw]

For something a little different [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEffig_rHZs] to what people will post. Just some food for thought and you don't even have to listen to all of it to get the idea really. Not saying it's gonna work for you but hey, might as well approach a challenge from more than one angle right?

 

[Elfgore]

I'm the exact opposite. I really don't plan on seeking a relationship for awhile. My free time is limited enough as is, a girlfriend would only take that what little I have.

But some advice, you have to go for it. Talk to that pretty girl in your club, talk to that girl you see between classes, etc. Very few girls will go for the initiative when it comes to relationships. Unless you have more tomboy girls as friends, you have to make the move. You also need to prepare to get shot down, it's the way the world works. So initiative is the key.

Dating sites are also an option, if you have the money.

 

[King Billi]

Firstly I want to say that I think I absolutely get were you're coming from as I felt the exact same way about three years ago. I wanted the exact same thing you do now and dwelling on it just brought me down to the lowest point I feel I've ever been. I just felt depressed and lonely all the time.

Now while I do feel that I understand your problem to a certain degree I can't pretend to know your exact situation enough to give you much advice. All I can say is that you should probably do what you're friends say and try and focus on other things, you certainly should keep trying to find love or whatever it is that you want but don't feel that you've run out of time just yet, I was older than you are now when I was in your situation.

Finally I just want to say that I'm twenty-six years old now and I've only just recently entered into the first ever romantic relationship I've ever had with a woman who I've known for quite a few years just a friend but who over the last year and a half has become the love of my life. I didn't expect things to play out like they did but I guess I'm just glad I didn't let my depression get me down all those years ago when it hit me the hardest.

 

[BoogieManFL]

Having too much free time can make you lose interest in things you normally enjoy, as odd as that sounds. Not having as much stuff that NEEDS done on a regular basis.

I've been in 3 serious relationships, and a few lesser ones curtly, I'm entering my 14 year with one.

And... Well, girls are difficult. Their wants and desires can change so often that sometimes I don't think even they know what they REALLY want, so how can you? They seem far more conservative and cautious about getting into relationships without a lot of information and perks up front, they seem far less likely to just give it a shot and see what happens than guys. What I mean by that is that I think girls try to judge and anticipate far too much with far too little data. Like they put too much value in what they THINK you're like or what it would be like instead of giving you the time to show them factually. I also think that a lot of girls often try to hold out, fully expecting to not have that much difficulty of getting a shot at guy they'd like to go out with.

It can be very tricky to handle correctly, but you could consider asking some of the girls you think would be honest or up front about as to why not. What put them off.

This is most assuredly over simplifying it, but I've often thought about it from an evolutionary perspective. A lot of male animals, insects, anything really that can be classified as a male typically has to fight to display their prowess and remove competition, or display their traits by showing off how good they look - like feathers, colors, size, and vocalizations. It stands to reason that girls are instinctively more cautious and picky than men due to the benefits of natural selection and (in general) the relative ease of finding a potential partner.


You could try dating sites, or places where you're more likely to encounter girls that share similar interests. And don't feel down or in a hurry about experiencing more advanced things like sex. You might think it will be life changing, but once it's done, it's not. And it doesn't matter if it was great or sub par. It just gets taken for granted like so many other things. I didn't cross the final hurdle until I was 21, though there were a few opportunities prior to that which I chose to pass up due to personal and moral reasons. At the time it bothered me a lot that I was that old and I still hasn't made it that far in a relationship. But afterwards the wait meant nothing and was forgotten. Much like how excited people often are when they finally get their driver's license or get their first apartment away from home. At first it's great, this whole new experience.. Then it's just Tuesday.

Good luck. It can come at completely unexpected times, so don't stress about it.

For me I was just giving her a ride to her apartment from where we worked and met, as she was about to get out at her destination, she looked at me to thank me for the ride and there was a pause and a moment of connection. I was attracted to her the moment I saw her, and she has since told me she was to me as well. But at the time I didn't really know if she was in to me, and I wasn't planning to make any kind of move or make any intentions known that day. It just happened. I that moment I went from thinking wow she's attractive and nice to knowing that I now have genuine romantic feelings for her.

One thing you should not do is ever hesitate. Don't be shy, even if you're a typically shy person like me. Just go for it. Better to know for sure than wonder what if, in any event.

 

[MrHide-Patten]

I get entirely what you mean. Been there, done that, wrote a book. I'm 24 and I havn't had any intimate contact with a woman ever (their was hug once that I felt weird about). Partially this is due to a number of things; A) me looking like a cross between Jack Black, John Goodman and Shrek and B) Social anxiety.

I personally gave up when it dawned on me that it just wasn't ever going to happen, and if I ever did get it, it probably wouldn't live up to the internal hype. So instead I focused on all the reasons I never want a girlfriend, or why I wouldn't do something so cruel to someone. Also having parents that seperated, I could see why they seperated and realised I had all the qualities that would lead to a splintered family/paycheck. Most notably I'm a stingy greedy asshole that likes 'me' time, all the time. I also draw boobs, I don't think a potential girlfriend would like that.

But onto you, get an all consuming hobby (i.e. game design and drawing take up all my time), focus on the positives of remaining single (to paraphrase Louis C.K.; "best case scenario is that you lose your best friend one day, and wait for turn alone").

So TL;DR focus on what you have going for you, find a way to give yourself schizophrenia so you at least have some voices to talk to.

 

[Yopaz]

Honestly I gave up the idea of getting into a relationship a few years ago so I'm probably not the best person to give an opinion. It's not wrong to want it, but you either need to make an effort or just ditch the idea. You don't end up in a relationship, you get yourself into a relationship.

 

[DrunkOnEstus]

Snip

You're 19, man. I know it seems like an entire lifetime just went by and that you may have wasted it by not finding someone by now, but you have soooo much in front of you. I was a virgin until I was 22 (I'm 26 now). Until I met my wife when I was 21, my relationships were pretty horrible, and in retrospect none of those people actually loved me even though I thought they did at the time.

Basically, don't put so much stock into the virgin thing. There is no time limit on the thing, and you may in fact be building it up to be something bigger than it is. It's just putting your penis in something. I didn't do it until I was 22 and now I have a wife and a daughter and life is pretty normal.

If I'm on the wrong page and you're more concerned about love and commitment, it very rarely just falls in your lap. I was lucky in that I met my wife working the same shift at the same job, but it took a year before we went on a date. I'm sure I fell in love with her within a week, but I had to know I wanted to pursue it and nurture the friendship, and that year of friendship ended up being a great foundation to build on. You already consider yourself relatively attractive (which doesn't even matter to every potential mate anyway), so put yourself out there. Think about what you'd want in a companion, what you can offer her, what's missing in your life outside of sex that another person can fulfill. Once you look inside yourself and figure that out, you'll know her when you see her, and you'll probably have to put in a lot of work and put a lot of pride/dignity on the line just to light the kindling.

Think about the free time you have now, though. The kind of relationship you're talking about requires work, compromises, and a lot of communication to keep it healthy and prevent it from breaking down. Make sure that the advantages to be had from it are worth losing a lot of time for yourself, especially at such a young point in your life.

Oh, and about the compliments, everyone loves compliments. Try complimenting other people. They'll feel good, and it'll feel good to make them feel good. You'll more than likely get a positive remark in return for it. If you indeed are suffering from depression (which in my experience is in fact the apathy and inability to enjoy things previously enjoyed more so than sadness), it's going to be a lot harder to even get out there and make yourself available for someone else to notice in the first place. Seeing a therapist may help if you have literally no joy in your life, and your phrasing "I just have a feeling that if I go see a therapist or something, they'll tell me that I might need to change my outlook." tells me that you probably talk yourself out of potentially positive things by constructing scenarios that may or may not actually happen and then use that as a reason to avoid pursuing them. You don't know with 100% certainty what a therapist, or that cute girl sipping coffee is going to say or how the situation will turn out until you try it and experience it firsthand.

I guess the main point here is that you'll never know until you try. And if something is chemically holding you back, you should take care of that lest it control your life and prevent you from pursuing all sorts of great things. But trust me, you're still very young and the party just started. I wouldn't fret about what has or hasn't happened yet given that you're 19. You seem like a nice guy, and I wish you luck in sorting your head out.

(Hopefully that made some amount of sense, I haven't slept in a while)

 

[Flutterguy]

Your friends are fucking right. Have a life and let love come along when it does. Don't go looking for it, because god knows you'll never find it when you're looking.
Honestly, I think a lot of people are in your shoes, where they're waiting for love to happen or whatever. It just doesn't work like that. Nor is it a big deal. Media just likes to pretend it is for whatever reason.

Find things that you enjoy doing and that you want to dedicate your life to (Your career), find things to focus on and just ignore relationships alltogether. If you do that, I guarantee you sooner or later someone'll come around when you least expect. Somehow it always works like that.

^ Listen to this.

If you are desperately trying for a relationship it will show, and you'll likely get turned down or used. Best way to avoid this is having other interests, 'don't put all your eggs in one basket' I guess.

If you have trouble talking to women, work on it, take baby-steps if you have to. Took many ventrillo chats with an amazing Aussie chick from my Warcraft guild to really break my shyness. Losing your virginity does not make this magically easier. I moved annually growing up and have always been a recluse, if i can do it you shouldn't have a problem.

Spoiler: Somehow pertinent to post

 

[Auron225]

Have a life and let love come along when it does. Don't go looking for it, because god knows you'll never find it when you're looking.

...just ignore relationships alltogether. If you do that, I guarantee you sooner or later someone'll come around when you least expect.

...you either need to make an effort or just ditch the idea. You don't end up in a relationship, you get yourself into a relationship.

As you can see OP; you will find very conflicting ideas in this thread

OT: I'm in a similar boat - 22 and never been in a relationship. I'm just sticking to what I normally do and waiting for it happen. There is the issue with "what I normally do isn't very social", so maybe that's some middle-ground advice? Don't run around acting like there's a collar on your neck that'll explode if you're still single next month but try and find a more social hobby that you enjoy. You said yourself that you're finding yourself bored with what you normally do, right? I mean, gaming is my main hobby but the most interesting people I've ever met had nothing to do with that hobby.

Possibly 2 birds with one stone