I need help with my social skills.

[Sevre]

Quick! To the Advice Forum!

I'll be back in a minute to offer some actual advice. /cracks mod knuckles.

Hey, thanks man.

Anyway, hey brah, I went through something like this a while back. My advice is first to join a gym, because your weight problem seems to be bearing down on your self-confidence. If you feel good about how you look then that's the best foundation in a social situation.

From personal experience I can tell you that, though I wasn't overweight I was severely out of shape and as a result I had quite low self-esteem/worth/confidence. Once I got into shape it was great though, people would compliment me, it was much easier to deal with girls and I wasn't repulsed by myself. You don't need to get ripped though.

Next try to involve yourself in as many social situations as possible, but like an above poster said, observe. Try to join in in the conversation rather than create conversation, it's a lot easier than it sounds.

Things to avoid then;
1) Conversations about video games
2) Jokes, if you don't get a laugh it'll hurt.
3) If you feel you're playing too many video games then you should try to cut back. It's not a massive image change, but you'll lose the 'fat kid who plays too many games' part. Plus video games are terrible for your social skills.

 

[smearyllama]

Well invest more skill points in your social skills

I'm kidding, just try to talk less it can't be that hard, if you have medical problem that made you fat (depression execluded) you should ask medical help, but if you are fat just because you are lazy and eat to much, you should fucking stop eating too much.

Also if you like being fat chunk you just need to dress nice and maintain personal hygiene, and fat part shouldn't be much of the problem, after all third of the your country is fat.

Yeah, it's mostly 'cause I'm kinda lazy, but not because I eat, like, a burger and fries for every meal.
I actually eat pretty well, trying to get stuff from all the major food groups in every day.

 

[Sweeney94]

I'm English and from London, so maybe things are different here, but it might just be your interests that are the problem. I hang out with both popular and unpopular people in my year (which can be difficult) but I realise that the unpopular people are perfectly acceptable socially a lot of the time, but their interests just scare people away.
Popular people live in a bubble of fear for their popularity, so they won't ever want to talk to some one who is seen as weird, or who has 'weird' interests.
Unfortunately, you can't ever stop this cycle, but you can help your image improve. Wear more fashionable clothes, start doing something cool (like BMXing or whatever - that will help you lose weight anyway). Your image in people will change, and it won't be long before people feel less awkward talking to you, and therefore you might feel less awkward too.

 

[Coop83]

Alright, well the first thing you've done is identify that you have a problem and you're willing to take steps to rectify this. Never a bad thing!

So you've got some weight to shift. That's not a problem. Start walking places, perhaps even up and down the stairs a few extra times a day, then gradually build on it. Have you got a Wii? If so, put in some hours playing on the boxing on Wii Sports, as that is a great cardio workout, that no-one can have a go at you for. You'll burn calories and build muscles at the same time. Don't worry if the weight doesn't shift for a few weeks, as it's being made into muscle, which weighs more than fat.

Other activities that can be used to good effect are bike riding and swimming, but don't get ahead of yourself just yet. Little steps for big progress.

This will build your confidence and give you what you need when it comes to socialising. That girl that you want to ask out, who cares what your friends think - ask her. The worst she can say is no and if she does, try to stay friends, because I don't want you ruining a friendship trying to make it into something else.

When it comes to making friends socially, you need to broaden your horizons. Do you do anything else other than gaming? I'm not saying that you should stop this altogether, but expand your horizons and explore other avenues. When I was your age, my teachers used to keep telling me the same, because I was that obsessed with Discworld that it was becoming unhealthy. I had sports to keep me active and I was a member of a Role Playing club, which was my escape on Sundays.

See how you get on and you never know, you might gain more friends, by standing there and listening, rather than taking over the conversation.

 

[smearyllama]

Alright, well the first thing you've done is identify that you have a problem and you're willing to take steps to rectify this. Never a bad thing!

So you've got some weight to shift. That's not a problem. Start walking places, perhaps even up and down the stairs a few extra times a day, then gradually build on it. Have you got a Wii? If so, put in some hours playing on the boxing on Wii Sports, as that is a great cardio workout, that no-one can have a go at you for. You'll burn calories and build muscles at the same time. Don't worry if the weight doesn't shift for a few weeks, as it's being made into muscle, which weighs more than fat.

Other activities that can be used to good effect are bike riding and swimming, but don't get ahead of yourself just yet. Little steps for big progress.

This will build your confidence and give you what you need when it comes to socialising. That girl that you want to ask out, who cares what your friends think - ask her. The worst she can say is no and if she does, try to stay friends, because I don't want you ruining a friendship trying to make it into something else.

When it comes to making friends socially, you need to broaden your horizons. Do you do anything else other than gaming? I'm not saying that you should stop this altogether, but expand your horizons and explore other avenues. When I was your age, my teachers used to keep telling me the same, because I was that obsessed with Discworld that it was becoming unhealthy. I had sports to keep me active and I was a member of a Role Playing club, which was my escape on Sundays.

See how you get on and you never know, you might gain more friends, by standing there and listening, rather than taking over the conversation.

Okay.
This sounds like stuff I can do, but I have one issue, and this actually might be the source of a lot of my problems.
My family doesn't live within walking distance of anything.
While I only live less than a mile from school, I also live along a small and extremely busy road, so biking there is nigh impossible/ against school regulations.
While living in a neighborhood has its own share of issues, and I can't change where I live, that might have been what limited my social development as a little kid.
That combined with my sister being just about the only kid I knew until I was 3 or so didn't help.

I'm not arguing for my limitations here, but just trying to identify the source.

 

[Coop83]

Okay.
This sounds like stuff I can do, but I have one issue, and this actually might be the source of a lot of my problems.
My family doesn't live within walking distance of anything.
While I only live less than a mile from school, I also live along a small and extremely busy road, so biking there is nigh impossible/ against school regulations.

Are you able to walk to school, or is that against regulations as well? When we moved closer to the high school, while I was still in secondary, I was walking 2-3 miles there and back every day. When I moved up to high school (age 13 -16), I was biking it in good weather and taking the bus in wet.

While living in a neighborhood has its own share of issues, and I can't change where I live, that might have been what limited my social development as a little kid.
That combined with my sister being just about the only kid I knew until I was 3 or so didn't help.

We can't really help the decisions our parents make and we have to admit that what is gone is gone. Perhaps there are kids out there that you share some common ground with and you don't know it. Try listening to conversations with these people and spotting if they share interests with you. Social situations in schools are learning curves, as you're all effectively trapped together, so you may as well try and make the best of it.

 

[The Stonker]

Relax, I was like that once, but I then figured out that I shouldn't try to impress people, I'm no clown for them.
So I just smiled to them and I was calm as the dead sea.

 

[smearyllama]

Okay.
This sounds like stuff I can do, but I have one issue, and this actually might be the source of a lot of my problems.
My family doesn't live within walking distance of anything.
While I only live less than a mile from school, I also live along a small and extremely busy road, so biking there is nigh impossible/ against school regulations.

Are you able to walk to school, or is that against regulations as well? When we moved closer to the high school, while I was still in secondary, I was walking 2-3 miles there and back every day. When I moved up to high school (age 13 -16), I was biking it in good weather and taking the bus in wet.

While living in a neighborhood has its own share of issues, and I can't change where I live, that might have been what limited my social development as a little kid.
That combined with my sister being just about the only kid I knew until I was 3 or so didn't help.

We can't really help the decisions our parents make and we have to admit that what is gone is gone. Perhaps there are kids out there that you share some common ground with and you don't know it. Try listening to conversations with these people and spotting if they share interests with you. Social situations in schools are learning curves, as you're all effectively trapped together, so you may as well try and make the best of it.

Well, got to a semi-rural school, where most of the kids arrive exclusively by bus or car.
Northern VA is weird, I know, but that's how these things work.

Thanks anyway, and I appreciate all your help.

 

[Erana]

As some people have suggested before, choose your words wisely.
This really translates into, "Don't talk as much." I was very socially awkward when I was a girl. Then I got self-esteem issues!

I don't really support self-esteem problems as a good way to be socially adept- what it did do is make me talk a lot, lot less. It turns out that I have crazy hormones that make me predisposed to angst, but I'm much better now. I'm still very quiet in person, though, which (especially in girls my age) is generally appealing.

While you can't really play coy, men almost always can go for the Gentileman appeal. Be extremely polite, honorable, keep yourself well groomed, but still within your idea of manliness, etc.
Just an option.

Also, the "ranting about video games" issue really comes out of your not connecting with your peers on any other topic. And its alright to have wildly different interests than the people around you.

 

[Pumpkinmancer]

Hoo boy. I've been there. If you will allow, I'll get into it.


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------ Conversing ------
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-What kind of conversation are you having?

Firstly know what kind of conversation you are in. Sometimes long paragraphs of speech are fine in conversations where it is necessary for both parties to express complex ideas, especially in conversations where both parties have opposing view points on something complicated like politics, religion or opposing scientific theories.

So long as both parties are taking turns and allowing each other to say their share, it can be a fine way to talk. I have had conversations with people where I might talk for minutes at a time, and then they might respond with as much or more to say, it all depends on the subject.

If you don?t know what kind of conversation you are in, ask. Example: ?Are we trying to have a serious and complex conversation? Or would you rather we keep it light and simple??
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-Setting up the conversation.

When talking with people, new people or with people you know tell them or remind them flat out of some of your weaknesses, and ask them to make you aware of when you are doing it. Make a sign you would recognize and tell them to use that. Putting up a finger, or a hand, lightly touching your arm, or some other unobtrusive action.

Don?t go into a monologue about it and don?t make a big deal out of it, but be honest and up front. Example:

"I sometimes talk loudly, or launch into an uninvited monologue. I don?t like to do these things, so please make me aware of them by touching me on the arm or hand, or raising your finger. I would appreciate it very much." And wait for their concent to do so before continuing. If they dont concent, thank them for considering it, and let them know you will try not to do the those things.
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-Having the conversation.

When they give you the signal, don?t tell them ?just another moment?, or just keep going, or try to wrap it up. Immediately shut up, thank them, and ask them something that will bring them back into the conversation. "I'm sorry. Thanks. So what do -you- think about Bayoneta s
shoes?" Then make an effort to keep quite while they talk.

Edit: If it is absolutely necessary to put down a block of uninterrupted speech, ask if it's okay, or if they want to talk about something else. Example: "I have a lot to express on that subject, but it would take a good chunk of speech to do so, or for it to make any sense and seem coherent. Would you like to hear my thoughts and are okay with this chunk of speech or should we move past it to something else?" and smile, and wait expectantly. If they tell you to go ahead, thank them, and remind them to signal you if you are boring them or if they just want to move on, smile, and get into it. If they don?t want to hear it, tell them you would more than happy to move on then.

This method will do a few things for you. Firstly people know what to expect and are more understand when it happens. Secondly they will be participating in helping you to train yourself not to do these things.
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------ Being confident ------
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-Do things differently.

I Had low self esteem, and basically I changed that by forcing myself to act like I didn?t. If I felt the desire to shrink away from a social situation or a conversation, I made the conscious effort to just charge into it balls to the wall like I was made to be doing that thing at that moment. Doing the opposite of what you would normally do is a great way to bring you ?out of your shell?.
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-Hold on there!

I?m not saying to start doing drugs or drink or have babies, so don?t take what I?m saying that far. I am saying that sometimes doing something the opposite of what you would normally do is a great way to teach yourself about something.
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-Friends can drag you down.

If people, especially friends, badger you and bring you down, ignore them. Or say something like, ?Hey, thanks for your opinion. I?ll take it into advisement.?, and then don?t. Only your opinion matters.
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-Laugh at yourself.

Learn self depreciating humor, ?Hey everyone, mind if the fat retard joins the conversation?? And then just join it like you should be there and they were waiting for you, but don?t act like a retard, just talk when you have something worthwhile to contribute. If you make fun of yourself, then other people can?t get their kicks out of it anymore, and you might find it to be refreshingly liberating, and you might actually respect yourself more for it then you might think.
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Edit: -Have fun with your weight.

Fat people are inherently funny. There is nothing we can do about it, we just are funny. We can be the funnest people alive if we know how to work that chubby selves. Use it to make people laugh. They WILL laugh at you anyway, so do you want them to laugh at you being fat, or at you being funny?

Sometimes I tell people I want to show them a dance, look excited, then they say to go ahead, then I will shake my man boobs in a shimmy. they will laugh, so I will look at them suspicssouly and claim they like breasts on a man. Woman tend to find this sort of thing funny.

If you leave a shoe untied and someone mentions it then point out that you cant see your shoes so it's not your fault. If Someone points out a sipper being down, "Well if it would not hide under my belly!"

Sometimes I like to press my man boobs together to try to make some cleavage and tell a female friend that it just does not look the same. Some of my female friends like that too.

Mess around with weight based jokes and humor untill you find the sort that works for you, and you might find yourself becomming rather liked. Not for, or despite your weight, but because you are funny.
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Edit: Apparently I retarded out in some of that, so the edits are for clarity, typos, grammar, and to sound like a goddamn educated adult.

 

[MistressGarbutt]

Being a good listener and handing out compliments. Pretty much everybody loves that especially girls. I am only a couple of years out of high school so I like to think that things haven't changed too much but mostly what everybody wanted was for someone to listen to them. High school is a difficult time for pretty much everyone so if you can give them someone they feel comfortable talking too everyone will appreciate it and friendships can grow.

 

[Agent Cross]

I would recommend you just dial back on the stress of the whole social interaction thing. The more thought you put into a future run in with a certain someone or group, you lose your personality, which generally comes across in coversation. You know... that feeling of I said something dumb or just didn't say what you wanted to. Listening always trumps talking, it helps you keep keyed in on whats going on. Like other posters said, you got time ahead of you and school can be a harsh enviroment to truly evaluate yourself.

As for weight... Well I don't know your genetics and such, but a lot of people grow into their bodies. I was 5'4" as a junior and grew to 6'0" by the start of my senior year. A good friend of mine had similar problems as you, and he would adapt his eating habits according to his energy output. But this might not be the case for you.

Oh! And don't let your friends scare you away from a girl, especially if you really do like her. You'll think about that long after you make peace with anything else.

 

[Jadarendir]

I'd say the most important things are confidence and consideration. You have to be comfortable with yourself and who you are, but you also need to be considerate and allow others to be comfortable with you. Confidence without arrogance is tricky, but not impossible. Always try to realize when you are taking up too much of the conversation, and if needed, offer openings for the other person to cut in.

As for losing weight, the hardest part is picking a method to do so and sticking with it. To that end, you need to pick something that you'll want to do consistently. I reccommend a martial art of some kind, which are great for cardio and flexibility in particular. Also, some basic exercises, like pushups and situps, are good for upper body strength (pushups in particular are the most underrated exercise in the book), and running is great for cardio and calorie burning. To keep myself running, I took up Parkour, or free running. Anyone who's a fan of Assassin's Creed will know what I mean. It's fun and a great workout!

EDIT: Oh, and if things don't start looking up for you in Junior High, wait until High School. Junior High was absolutely terrible for me, but as soon as High School started everything picked up and started working out well. So don't give up hope!

 

[Silentsmoke1990]

well if you feel any of your social abilities spawn from a lack of confidence, one thing I would offer up is that you fake it...strange advice I know but if you fake it...it is as good as the real thing. another thing is to be truely comfortable with yourself, if you really are worried about your weight then stick with the plan of losing it, but if you're abit on the chunky side, don't worry, you're only 14 and you'll still have some growing to do, the best way to help your weight anyhow is diet, it's more important and infact easier to manage than exercise...watch what you eat with an eagle eye and so long as you're smart, you should see the weight come off naturally, alot of people assume obesity is something that can happen naturally when really is takes abit of work to reach overweight levels. so stop putting the effort into gaining and maintaining your weight and you should be fine.

 

[rutger5000]

Join a club. An non geek club, sports are preferable (I would recommend swimming). Doing so you'll improve your social skills, you'll get into shape, and you'll have less time to spend on video-games which will cause you to spend less on them. Owh and yeah it's possible that you'll get bullied if you join a non geek club. That's a risk you need to take, and you'll need to handle the bullying if it happens. Like Chuck Berry said. "Nothing beats a failure, but a try. There is a great reward, someone will surly help you if you try, but you must try. "
The most important thing is that you are aware of your flaws and are willing to work on them.

And here's a few tips.

Smile a lot, and be the first to give a handshake when you meet new people. (I know someone else already said that.)
Use the name of the person you're talking with as often as you can while keeping it natural. Studies show that people like that.
And here is the golden advice Don't be shy! just don't. Shy is bad. Also try to be upbeat and cheerful that helps too.

Good luck

 

[rutger5000]

well if you feel any of your social abilities spawn from a lack of confidence, one thing I would offer up is that you fake it...strange advice I know but if you fake it...it is as good as the real thing. another thing is to be truely comfortable with yourself, if you really are worried about your weight then stick with the plan of losing it, but if you're abit on the chunky side, don't worry, you're only 14 and you'll still have some growing to do, the best way to help your weight anyhow is diet, it's more important and infact easier to manage than exercise...watch what you eat with an eagle eye and so long as you're smart, you should see the weight come off naturally, alot of people assume obesity is something that can happen naturally when really is takes abit of work to reach overweight levels. so stop putting the effort into gaining and maintaining your weight and you should be fine.

Yes I love you. Sorry for the strange comment, but you just made my day.