I need love advice. Comment appropriately.

[LobsterFeng]

TL;DR: My close friend who I actually love is moving far away and I don't know if I should tell her that I love her or not.

Alright so I'm graduating from High School this Friday. And I have a close friend that I've known pretty much since middle school, and I have a huge crush on her. In fact I'm willing to say that I'm practically in love with her. She's pretty, smart, talented, nice, and incredibly geeky, like me. (That is to say, I'm really geeky, not so much of the other things)

Now I know a lot of you guys are probably going to say stuff like "Oh well you're just a teenager with hormones and you just want to get in her pants and blabity bleh blah." Okay this isn't about sex, I don't really have any sexual intentions to her at all (at least not yet). I just want her to date me and maybe even marry me so we can have a long and happy life together.

And now I'm going to get to the point because my life is starting to sound like a crappy Disney Channel movie. At around the end of June, she's moving far out of state to get ready for college, which means my whole "getting married" fantasy is pretty much impossible. Because she's probably going to meet a guy that actually is smart and talented and whatnot. This also means that I'm probably never going to see her in person again. So what I want to ask is: Should I tell her that I really do love her before she goes, or will this ruin our friendship forever?

I'm really unsure of this, I can't tell if she sees me as just a friend, or if she too has some deeper feelings then that. I mean sometimes she's acted more then just a friend around me, and sometimes she hasn't. And...that is all.

 

[PleaseDele]

Normally I'm all about the "talk about it"/"Just say it" kind of advice. However, I think you really missed your chance here. Saying it now, before she leaves, just seems like a desperate attempt to keep her close and frankly I just think it's not done. If she isn't really secure about herself you might just guilt her into doing something she doesn't want to do.

The fact you have a big crush on her and you never told her... well I had the same thing a couple years back, though I might not have been that deeply in love as you seem to be. But you kinda missed the moment.

However, what you can do is just go and tell her how much you'll miss her. Not as lovers nor as friends, just that you'll miss her. This is a clear signal you'd like to keep in touch. If you guys are meant to be, you'll probably get another chance, but I reckon this isn't it.

 

[S3Cs4uN 8]

I would have to agree with the prior comment try to keep in touch and see how that pans out for you.

best of luck

 

[KrubixCube]

Sorry, I'd have to agree as well. Definitely keep in contact, see what happens and who knows, maybe it will work out down the line but saying it at the very last minute before she moves will probably just confuse the girl and make life difficult for both of you.

And take it as a lesson for the future, when you see a good one, make your move then. There's a time to wait and there's a time not to.

 

[Amarok]

Okay pal, I think I can sort of help you here because I've been in a similar-but-not-the-same scenario. Mine was the falling in love with a childhood friend scenario. How it came about was I admitted my feelings, we didn't talk for a year, than had a big tense conversation that cleared the air and saved our friendship and now we're still friends and we're both in relationships and there's no weirdness at all. Aces.

In your case though I'm not sure it's wise to pull the dramatic "I love you!" thing as she's about to embark on the next big adventure of her life, especially as you've said you don't think you'll ever see her again without this. Are you expecting her to drop out of college to marry you? Or do you mean that without this you won't have any motivation to see her again?

You talk of worrying about "ruining your friendship forever" but by the sounds of it your friendship is already ruined. If you think her sharing your feelings is what will decide whether you see her again then that's definitely a dead friendship.

However, if you feel you want to be a part of her life, and her a part of yours, with or without romance, then I suggest you have a good long think - do you really love her? Or is she just the only girl you know that you feel comfortable around, and who makes you happy? Hormones have a way of blurring the line for us geeks when it comes to love and just good friendship.

If you want her in your life no matter what then keep in touch, and hey, visit her at college once every few months or something. She will probably enter a relationship, or at least have sex quite a bit because even taking out all the stereotypes that is essentially what happens at college. If you don't feel you can handle that, then the friendship is already dead. If you think you can, keep in touch with her and work on coming to terms with your feelings, getting over them, and find a nice nerdy girl who you don't have baggage with; they exist!

Not sure how decent this advice is of course, it's just personal experience stuff.

 

[Limecake]

I'd say avoid the huge romantic "I love you" moment with her, if she's moving away then chances are her life is complicated enough at this point. and no good could come of it.

that being said, you're the only person who knows if you should tell her you love her or not. you might regret never telling her.

keep in mind though when I was younger and love-struck I thought I'd never meet a girl who would make me feel the same, I was wrong.

 

[theLadyBugg]

Don't say anything *yet*.

She's going out-of-state for college in a month, and you'll be doing what, exactly? Not just sitting round home pining. You're graduating high school! You're either off to college or looking for full-time work, which means a whole new world of people and things is about to open up to you. Even if you're still living with your parents and going to community school there's a completely new chapter of your life starting. Maybe you'll grow out of your feelings for her, maybe not. Maybe she'll change from being away and not be as appealing to you anymore.

Keep in touch, but don't limit yourself because of it. Don't make decisions based on what she might think. And when winter break rolls around, get together and see how you're feeling. If you're still convinced you love her, go for it.


Although, a sidebar, if you really have no sexual intentions toward her *at all*, are you sure there's a good marriage in your future?

Bottom line: do not let being apart from each other for college rush you OR destroy all hope of winding up with who you love. My high school boyfriend and I split up, but kept in touch intermittently for my four years away at school while I was convinced I'd get over him -- and now we're looking to move in together.

 

[rutger5000]

This is because we are from different cultures. I'm not judging you or anything, but if I had personally know you I would say this.
"YOU ARE A FREAKING TEENAGER, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE YOU CRAZY FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yeah that's about it, I say forget about here. Don't marry before you are at the end of you twenties, unless you absolutly have too. Enjoy life before that.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

Lots of "good advice" here, but life tends to favor the bold. I don't think it's always a good idea to do the safe, healthy thing. I mean what's the worst that could happen if you share your feelings? She'd leave and be gone from your life? Sounds like that's about to happen anyways. Would you rather be "okay" with her slipping away having never known how you felt -or- would you be happier knowing you at least gave it a shot?

I say tell her (MOSTLY) how you feel. DON'T say "I love you" for two reasons: 1) she might take it as platonic given your history, and you want to avoid that, and 2) if she knows you mean it romantically, that's way over the top. Just tell her how much she means to you, how much you care about her, and how much you're going to miss her. Don't be afraid to let her see it, too. That doesn't mean you have to break down and cry, but if you get a little misty eyed? Eh, don't fight it.

Make sure you give her a great big warm hug when you say goodbye. Aim for that middle zone between "hugging mom" and "this is probably harassment"; you want body contact for sure, but nothing too obvious or sleazy. Just don't even think about it - let it be a genuine expression of the way you feel about the girl.

I wouldn't hesitate to be very blunt about the situation. Tell her it sucks that she's leaving, and it's kind of inevitable that you'll both be starting new chapters, but make it clear that you hope the two of you find yourselves back in each others' lives someday.

Oh, and the finishing touch: give her something special to take with her. Nothing overbearing like a ring or necklace she'll feel compelled to wear. Just a trinket or keepsake of some sort, innocuous/innocent as possible. Then, whenever she happens to see it, she'll think of you. Maybe text or call you. Just don't ever break down and fill in all the details for her. If she probes you about your feelings, imply that they exist but never state them implicitly. You might goad her into revealing some feelings of her own.

Or not. And then you sorta know without having to say it out loud, huh?

Edit: and why does my advice seem to run so contrary to all the rest? I guess I don't regret any of the times I told a girl I wanted to be with her, even if it strained or wrecked a friendship - but I sure as hell regret the times I held my tongue.

 

[Zaverexus]

Normally I'm all about the "talk about it"/"Just say it" kind of advice. However, I think you really missed your chance here. Saying it now, before she leaves, just seems like a desperate attempt to keep her close and frankly I just think it's not done. If she isn't really secure about herself you might just guilt her into doing something she doesn't want to do.

This; plus (and I know you've probably thought about it), no matter how much you think you two will be different, a long distance thing never ever works out in the end. You really have just missed the boat on this one, sorry man.

 

[LobsterFeng]

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Yeah I realize that I missed my opportunity. It was one of those "Didn't realize what I had until I was about to lose it" Sort of things. I do stuff like that a lot for some reason. Thanks for the advice.

snip

Yeah I guess "at all" was a bad way of phrasing it. I just wanted to make it clear that this wasn't a "Boo hoo, I may have missed an opportunity to get laid" sort of thing because like I've said, I genuinely love her. Thanks for the advice.

snip

I've loved all the advice given, but I think this is the one I needed to hear.

Again everyone, thanks for the advice.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

Give it up. It's just not worth it. Anything else I could add to this has already been said.

 

[artanis_neravar]

snip

This

snip

I've loved all the advice given, but I think this is the one I needed to hear.

Again everyone, thanks for the advice.

I think you may have meant wanted to hear, but I do agree with that one, go for it worst that happens is you don't hear from her for awhile, and that is far better then not telling her and always wondering. I've been there and it ended up with both of those happening

 

[smithy_2045]

If you haven't said anything to this point, what makes you think you'll be able to say something now?

 

[endnuen]

Leave it be and get on with your own life. Keep in touch and you might get another shot in a few years time.

Trust me, time will allow you another shot if you are a bit lucky and somewhat sneaky. But the first step is to move on and go find other girls.

 

[PompeyDJ]

if you have to say it then definitely use this phrase
"i know it won't stop you from leaving, but it will kill me if i don't tell you..."

 

[zombiesinc]

And now I'm going to get to the point because my life is starting to sound like a crappy Disney Channel movie. At around the end of June, she's moving far out of state to get ready for college, which means my whole "getting married" fantasy is pretty much impossible. Because she's probably going to meet a guy that actually is smart and talented and whatnot. This also means that I'm probably never going to see her in person again. So what I want to ask is: Should I tell her that I really do love her before she goes, or will this ruin our friendship forever?

It's too late, you've missed your chance. You've known one another for several years, if you genuinely, whole-heartedly wanted to spend the rest of your life together, you would have told her, at the very least, that you had a crush on her. Suddenly she's leaving, you've come to the realization that you're not only losing your best friend, but also someone you're in love with, and you don't want that, for obvious reasons. If you tell her now, you run the risk of making things awkward, because no matter what she's leaving to attend university. It would also be quite selfish of you, so I think it's best you retain your friendship, and focus on moving on with your feelings and life.

 

[Shio]

Normally I'm all about the "talk about it"/"Just say it" kind of advice. However, I think you really missed your chance here. Saying it now, before she leaves, just seems like a desperate attempt to keep her close and frankly I just think it's not done. If she isn't really secure about herself you might just guilt her into doing something she doesn't want to do.

The fact you have a big crush on her and you never told her... well I had the same thing a couple years back, though I might not have been that deeply in love as you seem to be. But you kinda missed the moment.

However, what you can do is just go and tell her how much you'll miss her. Not as lovers nor as friends, just that you'll miss her. This is a clear signal you'd like to keep in touch. If you guys are meant to be, you'll probably get another chance, but I reckon this isn't it.

Old post, I know, but very sound advice.

As hard as it can be, anyone in this situation should heed that advice before acting.