I need relationship advice

[Bakaferret]

Ok, here's my advice, coming from the other end of this situation: DO. NOT. DO IT. Here's why.

I was in a very similar situation a year ago, except on the opposite end: I'm the girl, he's the guy. This guy and I were actually in group therapy together over a year ago (if you're curious, I was in there for anxiety issues). During the course of therapy, we found out in a weird way that we were a lot a like...had a lot of interests in common and such. But being friends is kind of a no-no while in group therapy. So it wasn't until 3 or 4 months later when that semester session ended that we started hanging out. All of us in the group hung out, but the two of us were closer than the others.

It went on like this for several months. I would always be there for him, because I cared for him, and it seemed like he had no one else to turn to. Every time he called me at 2:30 in the morning feeling like he was drowning, I was there. I would make it a point to make sure he was ok, always checking up on him, hanging out together, generally having a good time and being a good friend. Then things turned.

Long story short, he professed his love to me...but I didn't feel in ANY way the same...in fact, I had been dating my boyfriend for about 3 years at the time. It ended our friendship for good, not because of me, but because he honestly could not stand for me to continue to be just friends with him...we tried, but it always turned into a conversation about this becoming something more. If you ask her out, and she says no, are you prepared for things to stay as they are? Are you ok with her possibly dating other people and discussing her happiness? Every time I would bring up my relationship, it would turn bitter and resentful. You need to face that this is a very probable reality.

I'm not trying to downplay how she helped you. But I will warn you that some people just have nurturing tendencies. It does not necessarily mean that she is in love with you (though, to be fair, judging from your post you don't seem to think that is the case anyway). I helped him because I genuinely love helping people...I honestly wish that I could STILL be there for him and make sure he's ok...but it just turned into a really unhealthy relationship that caused him to rely on me WAY too much...it was too much pressure on me, I found that I couldn't live my own life without being expected to live his too, there was so much responsibility that I just could not handle it.

TLDNR version: Don't do it. I've been there. It puts way too much pressure on her to take care of you, even if that's not what you're asking her to do. To try and make a relationship out of this so soon is a friendship killer.

 

[zidine100]

i can take a good guess from your information that its a misunderstanding on your part, it just seems that shes a good person from what i can tell and not actually trying to go out with you.


im sorry it just feels like it would be a mistake for you to ask her out, but then again ive been wrong before on this, so just go with your gut.

give it a year. If shes still there and it still feels right, go for it.

 

[Mechsoap]

''hey want to grab something to eat?'' only possible outcome is: yes, no, maybe

its you that knows her, if you like her and you feel she maybe likes you, try ask her out

 

[johnsom]

Bit out of my depth but I am pulling for you bro. Hang in there things get better.

 

[postblitz]

Keep her your friend.

Get yourself balanced. Get your life back on track. Start doing what you love. Get a job doing what you love. You'll make more friends in time, she'll still be your friend along the way.
When you think you're not gonna find anyone else so caring it just means you haven't met enough girls.

Good luck dude!

 

[Danzaivar]

Sounds like she's being there for a friend in need. Don't weird it up.

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

I had a big response that I was going to make, then I realized that you're still seeing a counselor. Ask them what they think about this! They're getting paid to listen to your problems and help you sort through them and I'm sure they'll offer more sound advice than you're getting from strangers on the internet (no offense intended guys, for the most part you're all making coherent points). Hell ask a number of counselors, there's no rule that you only have to talk to one.


One thing I personally would like to add though, what worries me here is the time frame that this is all occurring in. How long has it been since you tried to kill yourself? A week? A few weeks? For me that is way too soon to firstly assume that you're even totally okay, or secondly that you should be getting into a relationship, especially not with someone who you really have a lot of emotion invested in. Also if it doesn't go the way you want, getting dumped/rejected while you're in a really bad place just makes it all that much worse, believe me. I wouldn't wish it on someone I hated.

Yeah, no, I totally understand what you're saying, in fact, it's not even been a week yet since I tried to kill myself so yeah, no, I know I'm not in the most stable place I could be in just yet. And you're right, I am planning on speaking to my counselor about this, but I've got some more serious issues I need to attend to first before I get into this. For now I just wanted to get a glut of opinions from my peers and see what they thought, after all, for the most part, people are being helpful and offering good thoughts. I'm not going to blindly follow whatever someone says or even if someone happens to agree with what I think, I just wanted to see what the general consensus was on this. But seriously, thank you for taking the time to respond to this, I really do appreciate it.

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

tell her how much she has helped you in the last few weeks/days whatever...and ask if she would want to date becaues you feel she is such an amasing person and tell her right there and then begore she says anything that even if she says no you still want to be her friend out of the pure fact of how kindhearted she is to you...be genuine man...and DO NOT....take rejection as if she hates you...a no is never a perminant no..she may just need more time for you to grow on her

I like this idea, not necessarily because it's what I want to do, but because I think it's a good idea to have a heart-to-heart talk with her about this. And yes, don't worry, I'm a man, I've handled rejection before from girls I've been MUCH more emotionally attached to. Granted, I've never been in this PARTICULAR situation before, but this is far from a life-or-death decision, I know that. Good thoughts, my friend, I really appreciate this.

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

The girl sounds like a good friend, and possibly more than that. However, I would give it a few months. That way, you can make sure that you develop the healthy life habits you need to develop to help make sure you dont feel suicidal again. Im not an expert, but youd prolly want to build up your own personal boundaries and safeguards against the return of such suicidal thoughts. Bringing someone else in while you are still "reforming" elements of your life could have a negative impact on how you deal with issues, or even cause you to revert to being a danger to yourself. So, in all honesty, id steer clear of a romantic relationship for a few months, as the other guys suggested.

Good luck with resolving these issues man, you got my best wishes on that.

(if it seems like i repeat myself in some parts, sorry, havent been writing paragraphs for a while)

Thanks for the good wishes, my friend, I really appreciate it. And yeah, the general consensus seems to be to get myself right before I pursue any kind of romantic relationship, which seems like the most logical thing to do given the circumstances, so I understand and respect this opinion very much. Admittedly this makes a lot more sense than it did yesterday when I was writing this because A) yesterday I was a lot more emotional and confused about this whole situation and B) I've had a night to sleep on it, reflect, think about what some helpful people have told me and yeah, I'm more receptive to this idea now. Thanks for taking the time to respond to this, I honestly do appreciate it.

 

[Cowabungaa]

I like this idea, not necessarily because it's what I want to do, but because I think it's a good idea to have a heart-to-heart talk with her about this. And yes, don't worry, I'm a man, I've handled rejection before from girls I've been MUCH more emotionally attached to. Granted, I've never been in this PARTICULAR situation before, but this is far from a life-or-death decision, I know that. Good thoughts, my friend, I really appreciate this.

But I'd wait with it until you straightened yourself out, as BonsaiK said in his usually excellent advice thread. Looking past the issue that made you two so close, you still sound like two people who fit really well together.

However, right now the problem that got her so close is still very fresh and probably still the main thing that connects you two. Wait until that's over, wait until you two call each other more often just to chat about random things or do fun stuff together instead of her calling you to check up on you.

If by then the feelings haven't faded, her care for you, your trust in her and your feelings for her it's pretty clear that it isn't just the Nightingale Effect and that you aren't just clinging on to her for support. Then the time is right for a heart-to-heart talk, asking her out, that sort of thing.

Until that moment has arrived I'd wait and enjoy what you have.

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

I had a big response that I was going to make, then I realized that you're still seeing a counselor. Ask them what they think about this! They're getting paid to listen to your problems and help you sort through them and I'm sure they'll offer more sound advice than you're getting from strangers on the internet (no offense intended guys, for the most part you're all making coherent points). Hell ask a number of counselors, there's no rule that you only have to talk to one.


One thing I personally would like to add though, what worries me here is the time frame that this is all occurring in. How long has it been since you tried to kill yourself? A week? A few weeks? For me that is way too soon to firstly assume that you're even totally okay, or secondly that you should be getting into a relationship, especially not with someone who you really have a lot of emotion invested in. Also if it doesn't go the way you want, getting dumped/rejected while you're in a really bad place just makes it all that much worse, believe me. I wouldn't wish it on someone I hated.

Yeah I agree with Hiraeth. The internet isn't the first person i'd ask for advice on such a matter.

In fact, why are you asking the internet? This might be proof of psychoticism itself, when you're asking the internet before someone in RL for personal advice.

Ps I hope you get better :/

Yeah, this is a fair opinion and a good question to ask. The main reason I threw this out there was just to get a wide range of opinions from people who were detached from the situation. I don't need people being overly protective because they're too close to me and wont tell me what they normally would tell me. Also, I'm not searching for a "be-all end-all" kind of answer or solution, I'm just looking for a lot of ideas from people, that's it. I don't see the harm in that. Thanks for the well wishes, and for taking the time to respond.

 

[Gudrests]

tell her how much she has helped you in the last few weeks/days whatever...and ask if she would want to date becaues you feel she is such an amasing person and tell her right there and then begore she says anything that even if she says no you still want to be her friend out of the pure fact of how kindhearted she is to you...be genuine man...and DO NOT....take rejection as if she hates you...a no is never a perminant no..she may just need more time for you to grow on her

I like this idea, not necessarily because it's what I want to do, but because I think it's a good idea to have a heart-to-heart talk with her about this. And yes, don't worry, I'm a man, I've handled rejection before from girls I've been MUCH more emotionally attached to. Granted, I've never been in this PARTICULAR situation before, but this is far from a life-or-death decision, I know that. Good thoughts, my friend, I really appreciate this.

BTW...if you have kids....i call it..YOU NAME THE FIRST ONE GUDRESTS. just sayin

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

I would remain close friends with her. You might love her, but you might not be IN love with her. Those are two very different things. If a relationship develops organically, that's one thing, but I wouldn't try to pursue one right now. You have a lot in common and value each other's opinion...that's not always something you find in a friendship. It's cliche, but relationships come and go, and friends are forever. Don't you prefer that you choose the option that has more staying power?

That being said, I hope you're feeling better.

Thanks, I am feeling better now as a matter of fact. I've had a rough go of it lately but having a lot of friends and a lot of support has really helped me during this difficult time. Oh, and having a dog. Having a dog always helps.

And yeah, that's essentially what I was debating with myself was should I go for the immediate happiness or for the one that, like you said, has more staying power? It's a decent question for anyone who is a friend who you might want to start a relationship with (granted, not with these same circumstances probably). Thanks for your opinion, friend, I really do appreciate it.

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

tell her how much she has helped you in the last few weeks/days whatever...and ask if she would want to date becaues you feel she is such an amasing person and tell her right there and then begore she says anything that even if she says no you still want to be her friend out of the pure fact of how kindhearted she is to you...be genuine man...and DO NOT....take rejection as if she hates you...a no is never a perminant no..she may just need more time for you to grow on her

I like this idea, not necessarily because it's what I want to do, but because I think it's a good idea to have a heart-to-heart talk with her about this. And yes, don't worry, I'm a man, I've handled rejection before from girls I've been MUCH more emotionally attached to. Granted, I've never been in this PARTICULAR situation before, but this is far from a life-or-death decision, I know that. Good thoughts, my friend, I really appreciate this.

BTW...if you have kids....i call it..YOU NAME THE FIRST ONE GUDRESTS. just sayin

lol you mean like, if I EVER have kids, or if things work out and I have kids with THIS girl? lol either way, you got it, man.

 

[Simalacrum]

Generally speaking, I'd say caution is most advisable - as some people have already said, a fondness grown in a state of mental instability (stress, worries, etc, do count, even if you don't generally have suicidal tendencies) can be extremely dangerous. However, you do seem to have considered several aspects of this, and have thought it through carefully, which is good.

My advice is that, for the time being, you keep things strictly friendly. Give it some time, and let the friendship bloom - at the very least, chances are you've gained a very good friend indeed from this experience, and you'll not want to take a gamble and lose that as well if she says no. Once you've recovered fully, and feel as though you are under less stress, etc (for example, you might want to wait until exams and stuff are over ), if you still feel such emotions towards her, then I'd try giving a few suggestions - jokingly flirt, for example.

Oh also, don't try committing suicide again. Seriously dude, exams and grades and whatnot are UTTERLY overrated. failure DOES NOT mean the end of the world. So long as you are committed enough, you can achieve your goals without such rubbish. (this is not to say that education is overrated however - keeping yourself informed is very important, the tiny A, B, C, whatever you get under that, however, is less important).

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

Personally. I wouldn't.
I think you'd be missing out on having, potentially, a friend that you will know for the rest of your life- while dating and sex and everything can mess feelings for other people up. Right now, you've shared something very, very personal with this girl and you've even said that you didn't really pay attention to her until now. But to suddenly take that experience and then turn it into a passion to be with them, romantically, just seems like it almost cheapens the experience (at least in my mind.)

You feel an attachment to her for the help that she's given you, but I don't mean it in a harsh way, but a lot of times people are so open and so 'normal' about these things if they don't find the person that threatening or very stimulating. It's not pity and it's not patronizing- it's someone who has a good heart and knows how to communicate and how to empathize with someone, rather than because they were attracted to them.

Basically, I'm thinking that you're looking at either a relationship that may or may not work out in the long run, and looking back on a fond and unexpected memory from when you were younger- growing a little. The other possibility is having a life-long friend that really could help you grow much more as a person to the point where, years and years down the road- you'll both be able to look back at that moment and see how much both of you have changed. It can be hard if you're attracted to them, and a lot of guys say that "The Friend Zone" is the worst thing to get yourself in to- and it might be, if you're looking at short-term or sexually.

There are some people, though, that have a special place in your life that will never see you as a romantic interest. That and I've always been a firm believer that the best relationships are the ones where both people can tell that the other wants to ask the other one out- that there is this kind of passion from both of them. And it doesn't seem like it's the case here. You'll meet many more women in your life, keep this girl around to confide in and to help you deal with the MANY hurdles in life you have yet to come to

I see, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I mean, I'm young, and I know I have a lot of time to find a future missus, but there's a couple of things I was chiefly concerned with. One, I never, ever wanted to look back and wonder "What if I'd done this?" (but, to be fair, NO ONE ever wants to ask that) mainly because she's such a great girl and we tend to get along really well, something that doesn't come along every day. Secondly, I've got some pretty lofty career goals, and I have a couple of over-achieving brothers who spent their 20's working and never found anyone, so I guess I'm putting a little undue pressure on myself to find "the one" in college. When this girl came along and the pieces seemed to fit, it made sense to at least ask if this was possible, you know? Thanks for your opinion, I really appreciate it.

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

It's only natural to have an extreme trust in someone who saved you from yourself. Granted she didn't stop the knife, but she did come and get you when you needed someone. That says she was already ready to take that first leap and trust you as well. What I find odd is how ridged people keep their relationships. You talk like if you don't choose to persue a serious relationship, it'll never come to fruit. From my own romantic experience, things develop on their own whether you filed the person as a close friend or significant other material.

Personally, I filed the person as a punching bag and now, three years later, I'm engaged to him. Funny how it works, eh?

ANYWAY you need to have this converstaion with her. We can advise and say yay or nay, but the truth is she is holding all the cards in this. Don't pounce on her and be like OMG I LOVE YOU, but a nice night over at your apartment with a movie, popcorn, and some lounge time on the couch to just lay around and talk won't hurt. Just bring it up simply that you see things possibly going places, and simply wanting to know where she stands. Don't be like PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME, or something else that forces a cement decision, do it more as a status-check. "Hey, I feel this way. Are you on the same page or somewhere else?"

It's a converstaion that's tough to have, and people like to jump to conclusions in the middle sometimes. It's best to just buck up, put yourself out there, and remain calm no matter what turn it makes.

I gotta say, I tend to agree with you on this, but I found something you said to be particularly interesting. Yeah, I mean, maybe I'm too young and haven't experienced this much yet, but don't (relationship) roles end up being pretty rigid usually? I mean, I agree that just because it doesn't happen now doesn't mean it'll NEVER happen, but it DOES take initiative from at least one of the parties to get things moving. Maybe TV isn't really a good example, but I always hate the "will they? wont they?" dynamic of some TV relationships because usually the dramatic irony is that if one of them had the guts to step up then things would have happened much sooner. The problem of course is that no one ever knows what the other person is thinking to have that kind of assurance to take the leap, especially when it may mean losing a good friend.

lol and don't worry, I can happily say that I've never put someone in a tough situation by pouncing on them and professing my love like an overzealous puppy. I think you're right, I do need to have this conversation with her (although the timing might be a bit of an issue) where I can at least find out where we stand and clear the air a bit. I think this would be beneficial to a potential relationship and would still be beneficial to our friendship, since then we'd both be sure where we are and would probably be more comfortable knowing that. Thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate it.

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

Ok, here's my advice, coming from the other end of this situation: DO. NOT. DO IT. Here's why.

I was in a very similar situation a year ago, except on the opposite end: I'm the girl, he's the guy. This guy and I were actually in group therapy together over a year ago (if you're curious, I was in there for anxiety issues). During the course of therapy, we found out in a weird way that we were a lot a like...had a lot of interests in common and such. But being friends is kind of a no-no while in group therapy. So it wasn't until 3 or 4 months later when that semester session ended that we started hanging out. All of us in the group hung out, but the two of us were closer than the others.

It went on like this for several months. I would always be there for him, because I cared for him, and it seemed like he had no one else to turn to. Every time he called me at 2:30 in the morning feeling like he was drowning, I was there. I would make it a point to make sure he was ok, always checking up on him, hanging out together, generally having a good time and being a good friend. Then things turned.

Long story short, he professed his love to me...but I didn't feel in ANY way the same...in fact, I had been dating my boyfriend for about 3 years at the time. It ended our friendship for good, not because of me, but because he honestly could not stand for me to continue to be just friends with him...we tried, but it always turned into a conversation about this becoming something more. If you ask her out, and she says no, are you prepared for things to stay as they are? Are you ok with her possibly dating other people and discussing her happiness? Every time I would bring up my relationship, it would turn bitter and resentful. You need to face that this is a very probable reality.

I'm not trying to downplay how she helped you. But I will warn you that some people just have nurturing tendencies. It does not necessarily mean that she is in love with you (though, to be fair, judging from your post you don't seem to think that is the case anyway). I helped him because I genuinely love helping people...I honestly wish that I could STILL be there for him and make sure he's ok...but it just turned into a really unhealthy relationship that caused him to rely on me WAY too much...it was too much pressure on me, I found that I couldn't live my own life without being expected to live his too, there was so much responsibility that I just could not handle it.

TLDNR version: Don't do it. I've been there. It puts way too much pressure on her to take care of you, even if that's not what you're asking her to do. To try and make a relationship out of this so soon is a friendship killer.

First off, I'm sorry to hear that your friendship with this person ended so badly. I've (kind of) been there too, my former best gal pal refused to stay friends with me because she couldn't stand the thought of me going out with other people, so I kind of understand where you're coming from. I could be wrong, but I don't think I'm like that, I mean, obviously, no one wants to play second-fiddle to someone else, especially when they're so emotionally involved, but I'm confident I'd be fine being friends with her.

Honestly, I see where you're coming from, and especially using a personal experience like that holds a lot of truth, but I also think that a lot of what happens depends on the people involved, right? I'm not trying to say I'm a saint or that I'm perfect or anything, but I'm not obsessed and I'm not an obsessive person. I think the most important thing would be to have a serious conversation with her to find out where we both stand on this. If there's congruence in our feelings, then great. If not, it's not the end of the world and at least then I'd know so I could be a good friend to her.

Slightly off-topic, I'm really glad there are people like you and my friend out there who care about people and take the extra steps to take care of people. I'm not saying I owe her my life or anything, but I do really appreciate her being there for me when literally no one else was. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with this, I truly am, I just hope you don't hesitate before taking care of someone else in need. You sound like a really great person and thank you for taking the time to respond to this and tell me your story, I really appreciate it.

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

Bit out of my depth but I am pulling for you bro. Hang in there things get better.

Thank you, seriously. I really appreciate it, and I know things will get better, it's just been a rough time recently. Thanks for taking the time to respond.