I need relationship advice

[eclipsed_chemistry]

Keep her your friend.

Get yourself balanced. Get your life back on track. Start doing what you love. Get a job doing what you love. You'll make more friends in time, she'll still be your friend along the way.
When you think you're not gonna find anyone else so caring it just means you haven't met enough girls.

Good luck dude!

Thanks, I appreciate it. I'm not sure if I mistakenly said that I didn't think I was gonna find anyone so caring, but if I did, I can reassure you that I know there are others out there for me. I'm really lucky because I live by a beach, so I've spent a lot of time there just letting the wind blow through my hair and relaxing. It's been nice. Things have been looking a lot better recently. Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

I like this idea, not necessarily because it's what I want to do, but because I think it's a good idea to have a heart-to-heart talk with her about this. And yes, don't worry, I'm a man, I've handled rejection before from girls I've been MUCH more emotionally attached to. Granted, I've never been in this PARTICULAR situation before, but this is far from a life-or-death decision, I know that. Good thoughts, my friend, I really appreciate this.

But I'd wait with it until you straightened yourself out, as BonsaiK said in his usually excellent advice thread. Looking past the issue that made you two so close, you still sound like two people who fit really well together.

However, right now the problem that got her so close is still very fresh and probably still the main thing that connects you two. Wait until that's over, wait until you two call each other more often just to chat about random things or do fun stuff together instead of her calling you to check up on you.

If by then the feelings haven't faded, her care for you, your trust in her and your feelings for her it's pretty clear that it isn't just the Nightingale Effect and that you aren't just clinging on to her for support. Then the time is right for a heart-to-heart talk, asking her out, that sort of thing.

Until that moment has arrived I'd wait and enjoy what you have.

I see, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah, I agree, I need to get myself straightened out and get myself right before I start delving into other things, and yeah, you're right, if she and I do fit together well, odds are she'll still be there when I get myself right. It'll be a little difficult waiting, but I need to take some time and take care of myself, make sure I'm okay before I start dealing with relationships with other people. Thanks for your opinion, I really appreciate this, my friend.

 

[Rarhnor]

Ask why she helped you.

Social responibility or personal affection?

You'll get your answer. Her reply will answer your question for you.

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

Generally speaking, I'd say caution is most advisable - as some people have already said, a fondness grown in a state of mental instability (stress, worries, etc, do count, even if you don't generally have suicidal tendencies) can be extremely dangerous. However, you do seem to have considered several aspects of this, and have thought it through carefully, which is good.

My advice is that, for the time being, you keep things strictly friendly. Give it some time, and let the friendship bloom - at the very least, chances are you've gained a very good friend indeed from this experience, and you'll not want to take a gamble and lose that as well if she says no. Once you've recovered fully, and feel as though you are under less stress, etc (for example, you might want to wait until exams and stuff are over ), if you still feel such emotions towards her, then I'd try giving a few suggestions - jokingly flirt, for example.

Oh also, don't try committing suicide again. Seriously dude, exams and grades and whatnot are UTTERLY overrated. failure DOES NOT mean the end of the world. So long as you are committed enough, you can achieve your goals without such rubbish. (this is not to say that education is overrated however - keeping yourself informed is very important, the tiny A, B, C, whatever you get under that, however, is less important).

You're absolutely right about that, in fact, I've always thought that other people place waay too much emphasis on grades, but as it turns out, I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite lol. To be perfectly honest though, it wasn't so much about the grades as it was frustration that I haven't been performing the way that I know I can recently. My confidence has dropped like a rock in the classroom and it's something I desperately need to address in my time away from school.

And yeah, I'm gonna approach this with a lot of caution and take the time I need to get myself right. I mean, yeah, I like her, she's a great person, and if we're meant to be together and can make things work then I need to get myself right first. It's not life-or-death though, I know that, and I'll be sure to take everything under consideration before doing anything. Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate it.

 

[The Human Torch]

Just keep hanging out, share things, give yourself time to heal and see what comes out of it. Love doesn't just spring up because you decide to ask her out on a date. If this is really love, than it will blossom on it's own, but the most important thing is (once more) give yourself time to heal.

 

[LoorTheDarkElf]

It's only natural to have an extreme trust in someone who saved you from yourself. Granted she didn't stop the knife, but she did come and get you when you needed someone. That says she was already ready to take that first leap and trust you as well. What I find odd is how ridged people keep their relationships. You talk like if you don't choose to persue a serious relationship, it'll never come to fruit. From my own romantic experience, things develop on their own whether you filed the person as a close friend or significant other material.

Personally, I filed the person as a punching bag and now, three years later, I'm engaged to him. Funny how it works, eh?

ANYWAY you need to have this converstaion with her. We can advise and say yay or nay, but the truth is she is holding all the cards in this. Don't pounce on her and be like OMG I LOVE YOU, but a nice night over at your apartment with a movie, popcorn, and some lounge time on the couch to just lay around and talk won't hurt. Just bring it up simply that you see things possibly going places, and simply wanting to know where she stands. Don't be like PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME, or something else that forces a cement decision, do it more as a status-check. "Hey, I feel this way. Are you on the same page or somewhere else?"

It's a converstaion that's tough to have, and people like to jump to conclusions in the middle sometimes. It's best to just buck up, put yourself out there, and remain calm no matter what turn it makes.

I gotta say, I tend to agree with you on this, but I found something you said to be particularly interesting. Yeah, I mean, maybe I'm too young and haven't experienced this much yet, but don't (relationship) roles end up being pretty rigid usually? I mean, I agree that just because it doesn't happen now doesn't mean it'll NEVER happen, but it DOES take initiative from at least one of the parties to get things moving. Maybe TV isn't really a good example, but I always hate the "will they? wont they?" dynamic of some TV relationships because usually the dramatic irony is that if one of them had the guts to step up then things would have happened much sooner. The problem of course is that no one ever knows what the other person is thinking to have that kind of assurance to take the leap, especially when it may mean losing a good friend.

lol and don't worry, I can happily say that I've never put someone in a tough situation by pouncing on them and professing my love like an overzealous puppy. I think you're right, I do need to have this conversation with her (although the timing might be a bit of an issue) where I can at least find out where we stand and clear the air a bit. I think this would be beneficial to a potential relationship and would still be beneficial to our friendship, since then we'd both be sure where we are and would probably be more comfortable knowing that. Thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate it.

Welcome. And there is a certain type of inititave, but it isn't always so goal oriented. In my personal expereince, my inititave was to have as much fun as possible. There were movie nights, hanging out with my family, hanging out with this family, Chinese buffets, hanging out at parks, ect. ect.. When it ended up as a relationship, I, honest to god, viewed it as nothing more but a fling. It was my first sexual relationship (and still my only serious relationship to boot, I guess I just got lucky) and all I was after was maximizing the fun.

Then one night he said he wanted to see this go places. At first it scared the hell out of me, I laughed him off, shrugged the thought of a committed relationship out of my mind. I didn't break up with him; I was still enjoying myself, and he respected my boundary and fear of a commitment. But, after another two years of dating, I can't see myself with anyone else. These things take massive amounts of time.

And everyone is different. That is why communication is your ultimate key. Be honest about everything, and hint that you want the same from her. Being on the level with each other will help you both as friends and as possibly something more. Hiding your feelings is damaging to yourself and, if you do confess at a critical moment (say she's about to get a boyfriend and you decide to confess for fear of losing her) she feels hurt and betreyed that you didn't say anything sooner.

Of course this is all just advice. Your life is your own; do with it what you will, and good luck.

 

[Bakaferret]

-snip-

First off, I'm sorry to hear that your friendship with this person ended so badly. I've (kind of) been there too, my former best gal pal refused to stay friends with me because she couldn't stand the thought of me going out with other people, so I kind of understand where you're coming from. I could be wrong, but I don't think I'm like that, I mean, obviously, no one wants to play second-fiddle to someone else, especially when they're so emotionally involved, but I'm confident I'd be fine being friends with her.

Honestly, I see where you're coming from, and especially using a personal experience like that holds a lot of truth, but I also think that a lot of what happens depends on the people involved, right? I'm not trying to say I'm a saint or that I'm perfect or anything, but I'm not obsessed and I'm not an obsessive person. I think the most important thing would be to have a serious conversation with her to find out where we both stand on this. If there's congruence in our feelings, then great. If not, it's not the end of the world and at least then I'd know so I could be a good friend to her.

Slightly off-topic, I'm really glad there are people like you and my friend out there who care about people and take the extra steps to take care of people. I'm not saying I owe her my life or anything, but I do really appreciate her being there for me when literally no one else was. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with this, I truly am, I just hope you don't hesitate before taking care of someone else in need. You sound like a really great person and thank you for taking the time to respond to this and tell me your story, I really appreciate it.

Fair enough. You seem like a reasonable kind of guy, hope it didn't seem like I was being too harsh. It's just that what you were initially saying kinda triggered all that crap again and...yeah, it's only been a few months since it happened so I'm not quite over it. To be honest, I think I am more hesitant towards helping others, but I hope it's something I can get over...my real problem was not knowing when to say "No, you need professional help, NOT just support from me." I'm glad to hear that you'll be ok if things don't work out...I think that's of of the most important things to consider.

I will still say that I would wait it out a bit. Not sure how long you've been getting to know each other, but if it's only been like a month or so, I would see where things go. After all, no real rush, right? As you said in a different post, if it was meant to be, it will happen...that's something I STRONGLY believe in when it comes to relationships. So don't sweat it. I feel like the other most important factor is not to make her feel obligated...hence why I think the wait would be good. Even if she may have feelings for you, if the relationship starts off with her thinking "Well, this guy is in a rough spot right now, I probably should say no..." it could make her feel a little trapped. Overall, you sound like a nice guy, and I'm glad you're at least giving some thought into this...much different than the guy I had the problem with.

Anyway, best of luck to you!