I need some good jokes

[The_Amazing_G]

I am writing an essay about the power of comedy and I need some good jokes to spruce it up. I have a terrible memory for jokes so I could use some help. Here's one I do remember to help stir your memories a bit.

Two muffins are baking in the oven when one muffin says to the other "boy it's getting hot in here, huh? and the other muffin says "AHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

 

[king_katchit]

An Englishman, An Irishman And a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman say "What's this, some kind of joke?"

I'm here all week.

 

[Rin Little]

I would help but most of the jokes I can remember are dirty jokes, which I'm not sure would be overly appropriate for writing a paper...

 

[PunkyMcGee]

someone said to me "sticks and stones will break my bones. but words will never hurt me" so I threw a dictionary at him.

 

[Strain42]

What do you call a cow that's just given birth? Decalfinated

What do you call an illegally parked Frog? Toad

How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes him three or four episodes.

I once looked up the top ten funniest puns to see which ones would make me laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

I'll quit while I'm ahead.

 

[Bobic]

Well, time to blurt out the joke I posted in the last thread to do with jokes which popped up like 4 hours ago or something.

And the barman said 'What can I get you?' A neutrino walked into a bar.

TOPICAL PHYSICS HUMOUR!!!

 

[Merkavar]

Two scientists walk into a bar...The first one says ?I?ll have some H2O.? The second says ?I?ll have some H2O too.? Then he dies.

 

[cthulhumythos]

this is more of a story, and a bit long, but here you go-

A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey old timer, why the long face?"
The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me McGregor the dockbuilder? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see that ship out there? I've been fishing these waters for my village for 35 years! But do they call me McGregor the fisherman? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see all the crops in the farms out there? I planted and have been farming those crops for my village for nearly 45 years! But do they call me McGregor the farmer? No, no."
The old man starts to cry again, "But you screw one goat..."

 

[The_Amazing_G]

Two scientists walk into a bar...The first one says ?I?ll have some H2O.? The second says ?I?ll have some H2O too.? Then he dies.

I actually already used that one on the paper

 

[Phlakes]

The obligatory chemistry one-

Two guys walk into a bar. The first guy says "I'll have some H[sub]2[/sub]O." The other guy says "Hmm, that sounds good. I'll have some H[sub]2[/sub]O too."

The second man dies.

EDIT: DAMN NINJAS. SERIOUSLY. HOW.

 

[Mumrik]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
.
.
.

 

[joe-h2o]

The Higgs Boson turns up at a church and the priest stops him at the door.

"I'm offended that you are called the "God particle", so you're barred from this church!"

The Higgs cocks his head to the side and says, "If you don't let me in, how can you have mass?"

 

[CM156_v1legacy]

I am writing an essay about the power of comedy and I need some good jokes to spruce it up. I have a terrible memory for jokes so I could use some help. Here's one I do remember to help stir your memories a bit.

Two muffins are baking in the oven when one muffin says to the other "boy it's getting hot in here, huh? and the other muffin says "AHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

My favorite is this:
"An atom says to his friend, "Man, I think I've lost an electron." The friend says "Are you sure?" He answers: "I'm positive!"

Another I like is
"Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic."

Hope that helps

 

[FreakSheet]

Sure, but whatever you do, don't make Chemistry jokes, they will get you into alkynes of trouble.

 

[Mumrik]

I can't believe 14 replies led to two duplicates.

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.

Descartes goes to a bar. The bartender asks, "would you like a vodka to drink?" Descartes responds, "I think not," and stops existing.

Sure, but whatever you do, don't make Chemistry jokes, they will get you into alkynes of trouble.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.

 

[theonlyblaze2]

I am pretty sure these two won some kind of joke contest. Pretty sure I read that on Listverse.

"A woman walks onto a bus, holding her baby in her arms. The bus driver says, 'Sit down, and take that ugly baby with ya.' The woman is shocked, but takes a seat at the back. After fuming for a minute, the man next to her asks what's wrong. The woman says, 'That bus driver insulted me!' The man said, 'Go up there and give him a piece of your mind! Here, I'll hold your monkey.'"

"Two men are hunting in the woods. One man suddenly has a heart attack and collapses. The second man quickly calls 911. The woman answers and asks what's wrong. The man says, 'My friend just feel to the ground. I think he is dead!' The woman says, 'Okay. First things first, we need to make sure he is dead.' There is silence, followed by the sound of a gun firing. 'Okay, now what?' says the man."

 

[TheRealLasor]

A duck walks into a bar and says: "My girlfriend left me" and the bartender says: "We're you bad to her?" And the duck says: "No, she just migrated away." and the bartender replies: "Sounds like we dated the same duck."

A guy walks into a bar, followed by his friend, who ducks.