I didn't even smile a those >_>theonlyblaze2 said:
Here's two that are both funny for almost the same reason:
Joke 1: a man walked into a bar. Ouch.
Joke 2: two snare drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff.
I need some good jokes
- Thread starter The_Amazing_G
- Start date
Recommended Videos
Here's two that are both funny for almost the same reason:
Joke 1: a man walked into a bar. Ouch.
Joke 2: two snare drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff.
Superman is flying over a nude beach where he sees wonder woman lying on her back, nude. Her eyes are closed, so superman figures that with his super speed, he can finish before she wakes up. He gets down and does the dirty deed. He finishes up and flies off. Wonder woman opens her eyes and asks the Invisible man "What was that sound?" To which the Invisible Man replies "Not sure, but my butt hurts."
A woman divorces her husband because she wants a man who won't steal her things or run away with someone else, and also someone good in bed. She turns down dozens of men, when one day a man with no arms or legs rings her doorbell. She answers and the man says "I have no arms so I can't steal your things and I have no legs so I cant run away with your money." The woman asks "How can I be sure you're good in bed?" To which he replies "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
A woman divorces her husband because she wants a man who won't steal her things or run away with someone else, and also someone good in bed. She turns down dozens of men, when one day a man with no arms or legs rings her doorbell. She answers and the man says "I have no arms so I can't steal your things and I have no legs so I cant run away with your money." The woman asks "How can I be sure you're good in bed?" To which he replies "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
So A hydrologist, a geophysicist, and an engineering geologist walk into a bar...
The hydrologist says "give me a glass of deionized dihydrogen monoxide"
The geophysicist says "give me a glass of a Newtonian fluid"
The engineering geologist says "give me a #$%@^*! beer! Talking to these other two is like banging your head against a rock!"
Thank You, Thank you! Performances every hour on the hour!
The hydrologist says "give me a glass of deionized dihydrogen monoxide"
The geophysicist says "give me a glass of a Newtonian fluid"
The engineering geologist says "give me a #$%@^*! beer! Talking to these other two is like banging your head against a rock!"
Thank You, Thank you! Performances every hour on the hour!
Little Larry was a chemist,
Little Larry is no more,
for what he thought was H2O,
was H2SO4
Or, if you want the classic science joke:
Schrodinger and Heisenberg are in the car, driving cross country. "I think we need to make a left here" Schrodinger says, fumbling with the map. "I'd better slow down for the turn, we're doing 62 mph!" replies Heisenberg.
Schrodinger throws the map down and exclaims "Oh you fool, now we're lost!"
(alternatively, a cop stops them and wanders up to the driver's door and asks "do you know how fast you were going?"
"no, but I know exactly where I am" replies Heisenberg)
Little Larry is no more,
for what he thought was H2O,
was H2SO4
Or, if you want the classic science joke:
Schrodinger and Heisenberg are in the car, driving cross country. "I think we need to make a left here" Schrodinger says, fumbling with the map. "I'd better slow down for the turn, we're doing 62 mph!" replies Heisenberg.
Schrodinger throws the map down and exclaims "Oh you fool, now we're lost!"
(alternatively, a cop stops them and wanders up to the driver's door and asks "do you know how fast you were going?"
"no, but I know exactly where I am" replies Heisenberg)
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.
Alright Ladies. Forward this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree, forward it anyway.
Men, forward this if you have BALLS !!!!
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.
Alright Ladies. Forward this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree, forward it anyway.
Men, forward this if you have BALLS !!!!
A standing ovation for that one sir! I'm a woman and I thought that was hilarious!renegade7 said:
A biologist and a physicist got married but soon had to divorce. There was just no chemistry.
OK, enough of the science jokes:
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
OK, enough of the science jokes:
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
I heard this from a geeky friend yesterday. She profusely apologized in advance of the joke, but then, after the joke, she had to explain to me the punchline in the joke.Merkavar said:
OT: I got nothing at the moment. <url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyMXYE_50Ts>Will this do?
No no no, you mentioned the Invisible Man too soon. Gives away the punchline before you've even said it. Her question isn't supposed to be directed at anyone, she just asks it. The person listening to the joke assumes she's talking to no one, or thinking out loud, THEN they get hit with the Invisible Man. That few seconds of thinking about the situation before the reveal makes all the difference between a light chuckle and a full-on laugh.renegade7 said:
How many freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to hold the penis.
Ack! The ladder, I mean the ladder! >.<
Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to hold the penis.
Ack! The ladder, I mean the ladder! >.<
