I need some good jokes
- Thread starter The_Amazing_G
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Celly.... Stop reading my mind. >:|TheYellowCellPhone said:
"What's a human Suitcase?"
"its that thing when a midget wears all of your clothes, and then you drag him around an airport"
How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lighbulb? One, but all they have to do is put the bulb in the socket, the world revolves around them.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Most of these are rude or lame.. but there's probably gold in there somewhere
Oh and highly offensive.
So, none of the following is any way related to me, I'm just relaying them from a joke file I have. The good and the bad are here, hopefully I removed the absolutely terrible ones.
Any judgements you may have can be fiercely directed far away from me as I frankly don't give two shits.
The spoiler was so big I had to break them into separate ones
My fav:
A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the
following:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 peach
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samoosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
1 single frozen pizza
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says,
"Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies,
'How'd you guess?'
He says,
'Because you're ugly.'
Thank me later
Oh and highly offensive.
So, none of the following is any way related to me, I'm just relaying them from a joke file I have. The good and the bad are here, hopefully I removed the absolutely terrible ones.
Any judgements you may have can be fiercely directed far away from me as I frankly don't give two shits.
The spoiler was so big I had to break them into separate ones
A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything??"
"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"
I love in horror movies how the person yells out ''hello?!'' as if the killer is gonna say ''yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?''
You're momma's so fat, I'd need two pokeflutes to wake her ass.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
The average child of Sarah Palin has 46.2 chromosomes
My ex gf had a really weird fetish, she used to like to dress up as herself and act like a fucking ***** all the time.
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch?
Names.
if I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked me for change I'd still say no
this was my hororscope yesterday:
Uranus is causing you severe problems, get off your backside and sort out the irritation.
A priest and a rabbi are walking down a street when they see a little kid up ahead.
The priest says to the rabbi "Hey, want to screw that kid?"
and the rabbi says, "Out of what?"
A man goes to the doctors with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his bottom. The doctor examines him and says,
"I'm afraid, sir, that's just the tip of the iceberg!!"
St. Peter says to God "How do you fancy a holiday on Venus this year?" God says "No, I went there five hundred years ago and it was all stuffy and warm. Not for me."
"What about Pluto, then?" asks St. Peter. "Are you joking?" says God, I went there a thousand years ago and it's absolutely freezing.
"So what about Earth?" enquires St. Peter. "Not likely," says God, "I went there two thousand years ago, knocked some bird up, and they're still talking about it today."
What do you call the feeling of having had a beer before?
Deja brew.
What do you tell a blonde with two black eyes?
Nothing; you already told her twice.
So 3 guys walk into a bar. A Muslim, a Christian, and a Jew.
The Muslim immediately explodes, killing everyone inside
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? .... It's not hard.
Archaeologist, a person whose career is in ruins
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question, feminists can't change anything!
Was the wife's birthday today, I'd already asked her what she wanted and she said "Something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 5 seconds"
I bought the fat **** a set of scales
What is blue and white and hurts when it hits you?
A fridge wearing a denim jacket...
What's the difference between a ginger
and a brick?
The brick gets laid
A guy broke into my appartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.. Sick bastard..
I went to a German prostitute a few years ago.Being pretty drunk I went to walk out without paying her and she shouted at me-
"Hey,what about the marks?"
"Ten out of ten, love."
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
Fans are such sluts. They just start blowing people when they're turned on.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
Because they all have phones.
What do you call an emotionally fragile woman who can't take a beating? According to my wife Sandra's suicide note... Sandra.
Man walks past a new pub and sees a sign in the window
"Special Offer:
Pies - 50p
Wanks - 10p"
He couldn't believe his luck! He goes in and sees a stunning blonde barmaid and asks her, "Are you the one that gives the wanks?"
"Yes" she replies
"Well" he says
"Wash your fucking hands, I want a pie"
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
'You can keep the tip'
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
"Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umberella around with him?"
"Fo drizzle"
A man is driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police. The policeman approaches
him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the policeman,"You were driving splendidly, it was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"
What's the fastest way to a woman's heart? Through her chest with a sharp knife.
life is like a bed of roses, full of pricks
A guy goes to the optometrist. The Doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!"
"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"
"No," the Doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!"
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
Holocaust, the Musical. Putting the 'sing' back into ethnic cleansing.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
Math teachers have lots of problems.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest
How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, real men aren't afraid of the dark
I worked as a garbage man for 3 years, but they don't call me Jim the Garbage man. I worked as a milkman for 5 years but they don't call me Jim the Milkman. But if you have sex with just ONE goat...
I'm so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.
I tend to have really bad luck with women.
My last four pregnant girlfriends all died in sailing boat accidents.
where do fishes keep their money?
in the river bank
It's not on.
What isn't?
off.
What is green, has six legs and is very dangerous if it leaps out of a tree on to you?
A billiard table.
How many people with short attention spans does it take to cha
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The Barman says "Sorry we don`t serve food in here."
It took awhile, but as their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the dwarves began to suspect Hungry.
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.
This Arial Bold 12 point walks into a pub. "Sorry." says the barman, "we don't serves your type in here."
what animal gets bigger when you take somethin away from it?
a fox when you take away the f
"Simon, can you spell your name backwards?"
"no, mis"
How does an octopus go into battle?
well-armed
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequilla!
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything??"
"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"
I love in horror movies how the person yells out ''hello?!'' as if the killer is gonna say ''yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?''
You're momma's so fat, I'd need two pokeflutes to wake her ass.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
The average child of Sarah Palin has 46.2 chromosomes
My ex gf had a really weird fetish, she used to like to dress up as herself and act like a fucking ***** all the time.
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch?
Names.
if I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked me for change I'd still say no
this was my hororscope yesterday:
Uranus is causing you severe problems, get off your backside and sort out the irritation.
A priest and a rabbi are walking down a street when they see a little kid up ahead.
The priest says to the rabbi "Hey, want to screw that kid?"
and the rabbi says, "Out of what?"
A man goes to the doctors with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his bottom. The doctor examines him and says,
"I'm afraid, sir, that's just the tip of the iceberg!!"
St. Peter says to God "How do you fancy a holiday on Venus this year?" God says "No, I went there five hundred years ago and it was all stuffy and warm. Not for me."
"What about Pluto, then?" asks St. Peter. "Are you joking?" says God, I went there a thousand years ago and it's absolutely freezing.
"So what about Earth?" enquires St. Peter. "Not likely," says God, "I went there two thousand years ago, knocked some bird up, and they're still talking about it today."
What do you call the feeling of having had a beer before?
Deja brew.
What do you tell a blonde with two black eyes?
Nothing; you already told her twice.
So 3 guys walk into a bar. A Muslim, a Christian, and a Jew.
The Muslim immediately explodes, killing everyone inside
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? .... It's not hard.
Archaeologist, a person whose career is in ruins
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question, feminists can't change anything!
Was the wife's birthday today, I'd already asked her what she wanted and she said "Something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 5 seconds"
I bought the fat **** a set of scales
What is blue and white and hurts when it hits you?
A fridge wearing a denim jacket...
What's the difference between a ginger
and a brick?
The brick gets laid
A guy broke into my appartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.. Sick bastard..
I went to a German prostitute a few years ago.Being pretty drunk I went to walk out without paying her and she shouted at me-
"Hey,what about the marks?"
"Ten out of ten, love."
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
Fans are such sluts. They just start blowing people when they're turned on.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
Because they all have phones.
What do you call an emotionally fragile woman who can't take a beating? According to my wife Sandra's suicide note... Sandra.
Man walks past a new pub and sees a sign in the window
"Special Offer:
Pies - 50p
Wanks - 10p"
He couldn't believe his luck! He goes in and sees a stunning blonde barmaid and asks her, "Are you the one that gives the wanks?"
"Yes" she replies
"Well" he says
"Wash your fucking hands, I want a pie"
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
'You can keep the tip'
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
"Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umberella around with him?"
"Fo drizzle"
A man is driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police. The policeman approaches
him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the policeman,"You were driving splendidly, it was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"
What's the fastest way to a woman's heart? Through her chest with a sharp knife.
life is like a bed of roses, full of pricks
A guy goes to the optometrist. The Doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!"
"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"
"No," the Doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!"
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
Holocaust, the Musical. Putting the 'sing' back into ethnic cleansing.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
Math teachers have lots of problems.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest
How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, real men aren't afraid of the dark
I worked as a garbage man for 3 years, but they don't call me Jim the Garbage man. I worked as a milkman for 5 years but they don't call me Jim the Milkman. But if you have sex with just ONE goat...
I'm so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.
I tend to have really bad luck with women.
My last four pregnant girlfriends all died in sailing boat accidents.
where do fishes keep their money?
in the river bank
It's not on.
What isn't?
off.
What is green, has six legs and is very dangerous if it leaps out of a tree on to you?
A billiard table.
How many people with short attention spans does it take to cha
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The Barman says "Sorry we don`t serve food in here."
It took awhile, but as their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the dwarves began to suspect Hungry.
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.
This Arial Bold 12 point walks into a pub. "Sorry." says the barman, "we don't serves your type in here."
what animal gets bigger when you take somethin away from it?
a fox when you take away the f
"Simon, can you spell your name backwards?"
"no, mis"
How does an octopus go into battle?
well-armed
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequilla!
How can you see flying saucers?
trip the waiter up
What do you call a blind deer? - No idea.
//
What do you call a blind deer with no legs? - Still no idea.
//
And what do you call a blind deer without legs and without a penis? - Still no fucking idea!
When is a door not a door?
When it's a jar!
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
As you get older 3 things begin to happen. Firstly, your memory goes and. . . . . . . . . . I can't remember the other two.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver -
I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years."
Which famous painter has a brown finger?
Picasso of course!
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We dont take kindly to noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.
Two atoms sitting on a bench.
One says to the other, 'Ouch, I think I've just lost an electron.'
'You sure?'
'Yep, I'm positive'
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
I went to the doctor's the other day and i said:
'Doctor, Doctor, I've broken my arm in several different places.'
He frowned at me and said, 'Well then you shouldn't go to those places.'
Holocaust jokes aren't funny, Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.
I bought a tie the other day but it was a bit tight so I had to take it back.
what do you call a cow with only its two right legs?
lean beef.
what do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow
two cows are standing in a field one turns to the other and says
"you worried about all this b.s.e and mad cow disease goin' round?"
"no," replies the second cow, "why should I? I'm a chicken."
Woman enters bar.
Asks for double entendre.
Barman gives her one.
How do you know when an elephant has been 'having it off' in your back garden.
The flat patch of grass and the fact the bin liner is missing
Two Irish guys walk out of a bar...
...no, really, it could happen!
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
What do you if a bird craps on your windcreen?
Don't ask her out again.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road
A: To get to the public toilets.
Q: Why did the chicken want to get to the public toilets?
A: Because that's where the cocks hang out
What's the difference between and Computer and a Woman?
A Computer won't laugh at a 3.5 inch floppy.
How do you make a cat go woof?
Pour petrol over it and drop a match.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang.
It was her husband, urgently warning her:
"Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde,
"There's f*ck*ng hundreds of them!"
friends are like potatoes, if you eat them they die.
A man gets caught short in a park, and has to take a dump in the open air. He sees a stranger approaching, so pulls his trousers up and drops his hat on the evidence.
The stranger keeps approaching, and when he sees the hat on the floor he asks the man why it's there. The man replies:
"I've just caught the fastest mouse you ever saw."
"Can I see?" asks the stranger.
"OK" replies the man "Put your hands on either side of the hat, and when I lift it, slam them together to catch the mouse"
The stranger dutifuly places his hands on either side of the hat, and nods his head to indicate that he's ready to catch the mouse. The man lifts the hat, the stranger slams his hands together.
"Did you get it?" asks the man.
"Nah." says the stranger. "But I think I scared it badly."
"Reel Men Play With Their Flies"
Why did the one-armed man cross the road?
To get to the second hand shop.
Why did the head cross the road?
To go to the Body Shop
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
Q. Did you hear about the gay magician?
A. He vanished with a poof.
When I look at an emo, I don't see one person, I see two disappointed parents.
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.
The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The Husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she puckers up her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr.Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him" he says.....this drives the Gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the Gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"NOW, TELL HIM YOU HAVE A F*****G HEADACHE"
trip the waiter up
What do you call a blind deer? - No idea.
//
What do you call a blind deer with no legs? - Still no idea.
//
And what do you call a blind deer without legs and without a penis? - Still no fucking idea!
When is a door not a door?
When it's a jar!
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
As you get older 3 things begin to happen. Firstly, your memory goes and. . . . . . . . . . I can't remember the other two.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver -
I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years."
Which famous painter has a brown finger?
Picasso of course!
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We dont take kindly to noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.
Two atoms sitting on a bench.
One says to the other, 'Ouch, I think I've just lost an electron.'
'You sure?'
'Yep, I'm positive'
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
I went to the doctor's the other day and i said:
'Doctor, Doctor, I've broken my arm in several different places.'
He frowned at me and said, 'Well then you shouldn't go to those places.'
Holocaust jokes aren't funny, Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.
I bought a tie the other day but it was a bit tight so I had to take it back.
what do you call a cow with only its two right legs?
lean beef.
what do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow
two cows are standing in a field one turns to the other and says
"you worried about all this b.s.e and mad cow disease goin' round?"
"no," replies the second cow, "why should I? I'm a chicken."
Woman enters bar.
Asks for double entendre.
Barman gives her one.
How do you know when an elephant has been 'having it off' in your back garden.
The flat patch of grass and the fact the bin liner is missing
Two Irish guys walk out of a bar...
...no, really, it could happen!
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
What do you if a bird craps on your windcreen?
Don't ask her out again.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road
A: To get to the public toilets.
Q: Why did the chicken want to get to the public toilets?
A: Because that's where the cocks hang out
What's the difference between and Computer and a Woman?
A Computer won't laugh at a 3.5 inch floppy.
How do you make a cat go woof?
Pour petrol over it and drop a match.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang.
It was her husband, urgently warning her:
"Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde,
"There's f*ck*ng hundreds of them!"
friends are like potatoes, if you eat them they die.
A man gets caught short in a park, and has to take a dump in the open air. He sees a stranger approaching, so pulls his trousers up and drops his hat on the evidence.
The stranger keeps approaching, and when he sees the hat on the floor he asks the man why it's there. The man replies:
"I've just caught the fastest mouse you ever saw."
"Can I see?" asks the stranger.
"OK" replies the man "Put your hands on either side of the hat, and when I lift it, slam them together to catch the mouse"
The stranger dutifuly places his hands on either side of the hat, and nods his head to indicate that he's ready to catch the mouse. The man lifts the hat, the stranger slams his hands together.
"Did you get it?" asks the man.
"Nah." says the stranger. "But I think I scared it badly."
"Reel Men Play With Their Flies"
Why did the one-armed man cross the road?
To get to the second hand shop.
Why did the head cross the road?
To go to the Body Shop
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
Q. Did you hear about the gay magician?
A. He vanished with a poof.
When I look at an emo, I don't see one person, I see two disappointed parents.
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.
The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The Husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she puckers up her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr.Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him" he says.....this drives the Gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the Gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"NOW, TELL HIM YOU HAVE A F*****G HEADACHE"
I love cats too... wanna trade recipes?
Q. How many students does it take to change a light-bulb?
A. What's the point; we'll be moving out of here in July anyway.
I just bought a fresh chicken from a supermarket, the sticker on it reads, "RSPCA Monitored"..........you did not do a good job here RSPCA, it is dead and wrapped in plastic!
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a flyswatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded
Midgets are a lot like cars, except when you try to drive them or wash them they freak out and run away.
Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy
standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7
feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and
shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just
figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3
lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"
A guy walks into a bar, with an Octopus under his arm.He sits down on
a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented Octopus.
"He can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the Octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the Octopus.
Immediately the Octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the Octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrong.
The guy pays up his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes.
He puts them down and the Octopus fumbles with them for a minute and
then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye nae can plae it, can ye ?"
The Octopus looks up at him and says ........
"Play it?.... I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get
it pyjamas off.."
A very pious man kneels down to pray one night.
he says: "God, I need to win the lotto.I've lived my life according to the bibles teachings,but the wolves are at the door.Please"
The lotto goes by without him winning it.
Again,the next night he kneels down to pray and he says:
"God, I'm going to lose my house and my car.Please,I'll be without home if I don't win"
Again another week goes by without him winning it.
yet again he kneels down to pray
"God, Please I'll donate every penny of the winnings, bar what it takes to get me out of this, to charity if I could just win.Please."
Suddenly a booming voice comes from above.
It says "Dave, at least meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
A woman is stopped by a cop on the motorway doing well over the legal speed limit. "Get out of the car" orders the cop. "Show me your driving licence."
"I havent got one" says the woman, "No insurance either".
"Get out of the car, Madam" says the Cop.
"OK, ok" the woman replies, "Just let me get my gun".
"Your gun?"
"Yeah" says the woman, "the gun I used to shoot my husband. "He's in the boot of the car"
"You shot your husband and his body's in the car trunk?" The Cop yells these facts into his radio and asks for immediate back up. Up come racing several patrol cars and a SWAT team, all flashing lights and bristling with weaponry.
"Hand over your gun" yells the SWAT team leader.
"I don't have a gun" says the woman.
"Open the boot and show us your husband's body" continues the now perplexed team leader.
"There's no-one on the boot, in fact I'm not even married" says the woman. "Look, here's my driving licence. It says "Miss". As does this insurance certificate"
"So you don't have a gun, you haven't shot anybody, youre fully insured and have a full driving licence, Miss?"
"Yes of course.Who told you I wasn't, him?" she says pointing to the Cop. "And I suppose he told you I was speeding as well?"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 quid?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,
"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the 50 quid.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
2 blondes are walking in the woods one day,and they come across some tracks.
"They're cow tracks" one says
"No,they're bear tracks" the other says
"cow tracks!"
"bear tracks!"
Thats when the train hit them
Why do women wear make up and perfume?
Because they are ugly and they smell.
a blind man walks past a fish market and says "hey ladies"
A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and says,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!!
Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care. Just get out!"
There's this guy walking through the woods. Suddenly a good fairy appears and tells him that he has got three free wishes and since she's a fairy he just has to think of what he wants to get it. The guy thinks: "Cool! Now, what would I like? Ah, a diamond as big as my fist!? And, sure enough, he finds that sparkling diamond lying at his feet.
"Now, what is your second wish?? asks the fairy. "I'd like a glass of beer which never runs empty!? And, again the wish comes true.
"What is your last wish, then?? enquires the fairy, hesitates a moment and cries: "No! No way!? the guy smiles and says: "A wish is a wish. Bend over, fairy!?
They say the Inuit Eskimos have over 100 words for snow. Thats fuck all, I've just had a look on match.com and women have well over 1000 words for fat.
The difference between hard and light?
You can go to sleep with a light on.
Q. How many students does it take to change a light-bulb?
A. What's the point; we'll be moving out of here in July anyway.
I just bought a fresh chicken from a supermarket, the sticker on it reads, "RSPCA Monitored"..........you did not do a good job here RSPCA, it is dead and wrapped in plastic!
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a flyswatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded
Midgets are a lot like cars, except when you try to drive them or wash them they freak out and run away.
Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy
standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7
feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and
shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just
figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3
lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"
A guy walks into a bar, with an Octopus under his arm.He sits down on
a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented Octopus.
"He can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the Octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the Octopus.
Immediately the Octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the Octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrong.
The guy pays up his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes.
He puts them down and the Octopus fumbles with them for a minute and
then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye nae can plae it, can ye ?"
The Octopus looks up at him and says ........
"Play it?.... I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get
it pyjamas off.."
A very pious man kneels down to pray one night.
he says: "God, I need to win the lotto.I've lived my life according to the bibles teachings,but the wolves are at the door.Please"
The lotto goes by without him winning it.
Again,the next night he kneels down to pray and he says:
"God, I'm going to lose my house and my car.Please,I'll be without home if I don't win"
Again another week goes by without him winning it.
yet again he kneels down to pray
"God, Please I'll donate every penny of the winnings, bar what it takes to get me out of this, to charity if I could just win.Please."
Suddenly a booming voice comes from above.
It says "Dave, at least meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
A woman is stopped by a cop on the motorway doing well over the legal speed limit. "Get out of the car" orders the cop. "Show me your driving licence."
"I havent got one" says the woman, "No insurance either".
"Get out of the car, Madam" says the Cop.
"OK, ok" the woman replies, "Just let me get my gun".
"Your gun?"
"Yeah" says the woman, "the gun I used to shoot my husband. "He's in the boot of the car"
"You shot your husband and his body's in the car trunk?" The Cop yells these facts into his radio and asks for immediate back up. Up come racing several patrol cars and a SWAT team, all flashing lights and bristling with weaponry.
"Hand over your gun" yells the SWAT team leader.
"I don't have a gun" says the woman.
"Open the boot and show us your husband's body" continues the now perplexed team leader.
"There's no-one on the boot, in fact I'm not even married" says the woman. "Look, here's my driving licence. It says "Miss". As does this insurance certificate"
"So you don't have a gun, you haven't shot anybody, youre fully insured and have a full driving licence, Miss?"
"Yes of course.Who told you I wasn't, him?" she says pointing to the Cop. "And I suppose he told you I was speeding as well?"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 quid?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,
"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the 50 quid.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
2 blondes are walking in the woods one day,and they come across some tracks.
"They're cow tracks" one says
"No,they're bear tracks" the other says
"cow tracks!"
"bear tracks!"
Thats when the train hit them
Why do women wear make up and perfume?
Because they are ugly and they smell.
a blind man walks past a fish market and says "hey ladies"
A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and says,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!!
Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care. Just get out!"
There's this guy walking through the woods. Suddenly a good fairy appears and tells him that he has got three free wishes and since she's a fairy he just has to think of what he wants to get it. The guy thinks: "Cool! Now, what would I like? Ah, a diamond as big as my fist!? And, sure enough, he finds that sparkling diamond lying at his feet.
"Now, what is your second wish?? asks the fairy. "I'd like a glass of beer which never runs empty!? And, again the wish comes true.
"What is your last wish, then?? enquires the fairy, hesitates a moment and cries: "No! No way!? the guy smiles and says: "A wish is a wish. Bend over, fairy!?
They say the Inuit Eskimos have over 100 words for snow. Thats fuck all, I've just had a look on match.com and women have well over 1000 words for fat.
The difference between hard and light?
You can go to sleep with a light on.
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair, drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"
The man calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off.
Spiders, they are like homosexuals to me, I dont mind being around them but i wouldnt like to find a big hairy one creeping up behind me.
Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun'?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this m ay very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot, and exclaimed, "Put the f***ing beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Two old ladies sitting on a park bench
A flasher comes over and does his thing
One has a stroke
The other couldn't reach
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Hick: "He doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
Hick: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this fella your owner? " pointing at the kiwi hick
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Hick: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: " Mind if I talk to your horse? "
Hick: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think"
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Hick: (absoloutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the villager
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Hick: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Hick: "The sheep's a f*****g liar"
Two tall trees were growing in the woods. A small tree began to grow between them. One tree said to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other said he could not tell.
Just then a woodpecker landed on the sapling. The tall tree said, "Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker took a taste of the small tree. He replied, "Neither. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on...a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
Sherlock Holmes and his friend, Watson, go out camping. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes up, looks at the stars, wakes up Watson and asks him:
"Watson, look at the stars and tell me what you see."
Watson, eager to impress his friend, looks at the the stars intently for a while, and then says:
"OK. Theologically, I see that God is the creator of the universe. Astronomically, I see that the universe is very, very big. Astrologically, I see that we're facing a shitty week. And philosophically, I see that men is incredibly small."
Watson is quite proud of his achievement, but when he looks at Holmes all he sees is an expression of disgust. As he feels anger rising inside of him, Watson asks Holmes: "What? What is it I didn't get this time??"
Holmes looks at his friend with obvious contempt and says:
"Watson, you idiot. Someone stole our tent."
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"
The man calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off.
Spiders, they are like homosexuals to me, I dont mind being around them but i wouldnt like to find a big hairy one creeping up behind me.
Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun'?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this m ay very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot, and exclaimed, "Put the f***ing beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Two old ladies sitting on a park bench
A flasher comes over and does his thing
One has a stroke
The other couldn't reach
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Hick: "He doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
Hick: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this fella your owner? " pointing at the kiwi hick
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Hick: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: " Mind if I talk to your horse? "
Hick: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think"
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Hick: (absoloutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the villager
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Hick: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Hick: "The sheep's a f*****g liar"
Two tall trees were growing in the woods. A small tree began to grow between them. One tree said to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other said he could not tell.
Just then a woodpecker landed on the sapling. The tall tree said, "Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker took a taste of the small tree. He replied, "Neither. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on...a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
Sherlock Holmes and his friend, Watson, go out camping. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes up, looks at the stars, wakes up Watson and asks him:
"Watson, look at the stars and tell me what you see."
Watson, eager to impress his friend, looks at the the stars intently for a while, and then says:
"OK. Theologically, I see that God is the creator of the universe. Astronomically, I see that the universe is very, very big. Astrologically, I see that we're facing a shitty week. And philosophically, I see that men is incredibly small."
Watson is quite proud of his achievement, but when he looks at Holmes all he sees is an expression of disgust. As he feels anger rising inside of him, Watson asks Holmes: "What? What is it I didn't get this time??"
Holmes looks at his friend with obvious contempt and says:
"Watson, you idiot. Someone stole our tent."
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history.
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. 'But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. 'What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."
So... a baby Seal walks into a club.
Multitasking: Women's excuse to do multiple things wrong all at once
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts"
?Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me dozens of times, I?m an Apple customer.?
-Mother Teresa (1910-1997)
A bus full of nuns plummets off a cliff. They all die. Nuns are
admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into
heaven." The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is
trying to cut in front. "Well, now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your holiness," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
Did you know that crickets have their ears on their knees? It's true I tell ya. They are also remarkably clever and if you tell 'em to jump up they will do. I didn't believ it myself at first so to prove it one day I cut all of the legs off a cricket and told it to jump. And do you know what? It couldn't hear me.
Two guys are in a bar sitting beside each other.They say hello,and to make conversation one asks
"So,Where you from?"
"Dublin"
"Really!Me too!Where abouts?!"
"Navan road!"
"Me Too!"
"Where did you go to school?"
"St declans school"
"Me Too!"
"Really!This is amazing..what year did you graduate?"
"'95"
"OH MY GOD! Me too!!"
Just then a regular walks into the bar and asks the barman "Whats going on over there?"
The barman replys "Nothing much, the O'Malley twins are drunk again"
An englishman, irishman and american are all sat on the roof of the empire state building drinking vodka, obviously getting quite merry. The american turns to the irishman and says -
American - "You know the wind up here is so strong that if you throw yourself off it'll whip you round the building and then leave you sitting in exactly the same place"
Irishman - "what? don't be ridiculous! I'm not that pissed yet!"
American - "ok fine, watch this"
So the american throws himself off and sure enough, he does a loop of the building and ends up sitting in the same place that he threw himself from. The irishman is understandably amazed.
Irishman - "That looks like fun, I'm gonna give it a try!"
So he throws himself off and splats on the pavement below. The englishman turns to the american and says -
Englishman - "Superman you're a bastard sometimes!"
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk
into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of
joke?"
A piece of tarmac is drinking in a bar, when a thin piece of red tarmac walks in and says "Buy me a drink!" He buys the drink, and the piece of red tarmac goes off to the other end of the bar.
So the barman asks him, "Why did you buy him the drink?" And the piece of tarmac replies "You don't want to argue with that guy. He's a bit of a cyclepath."
What's the difference between a street trader and a dacshund?
One balls out his wares on the pavement, the other wears.......
How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender.
A fellow finds a lamp on the beach, as he rubs the sand off a Geni appears. "I shall grant you three wishes...but the person you hate most in life will receive twice what you desire!" The man figures, what the heck...so he says, "I wish I had 10 million dollars!" Poof...10 million dollars apears...the Geni says, "at this very moment your mother-in-law just received 20 million dollars."
"Oh, but that's not fair!!! I hate my mother-in-law!" He thinks, then says, "for my second wish I want a home in every major port in the world." Poof...new homes in every major port appear. The Geni reminds him that his mother-in-law has just gotten two homes in every port. "Rrrr, that's just not fair...I hate that woman!"
"You have one wish," says the Geni, "Wish carefully!" The man thinks & thinks...suddenly his eyes sparkel with delight!!! He runs to his car & returns with a baseball bat. "Here," says the man, "I want you to take this bat & beat me half to death!"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history.
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. 'But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. 'What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."
So... a baby Seal walks into a club.
Multitasking: Women's excuse to do multiple things wrong all at once
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts"
?Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me dozens of times, I?m an Apple customer.?
-Mother Teresa (1910-1997)
A bus full of nuns plummets off a cliff. They all die. Nuns are
admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into
heaven." The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is
trying to cut in front. "Well, now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your holiness," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
Did you know that crickets have their ears on their knees? It's true I tell ya. They are also remarkably clever and if you tell 'em to jump up they will do. I didn't believ it myself at first so to prove it one day I cut all of the legs off a cricket and told it to jump. And do you know what? It couldn't hear me.
Two guys are in a bar sitting beside each other.They say hello,and to make conversation one asks
"So,Where you from?"
"Dublin"
"Really!Me too!Where abouts?!"
"Navan road!"
"Me Too!"
"Where did you go to school?"
"St declans school"
"Me Too!"
"Really!This is amazing..what year did you graduate?"
"'95"
"OH MY GOD! Me too!!"
Just then a regular walks into the bar and asks the barman "Whats going on over there?"
The barman replys "Nothing much, the O'Malley twins are drunk again"
An englishman, irishman and american are all sat on the roof of the empire state building drinking vodka, obviously getting quite merry. The american turns to the irishman and says -
American - "You know the wind up here is so strong that if you throw yourself off it'll whip you round the building and then leave you sitting in exactly the same place"
Irishman - "what? don't be ridiculous! I'm not that pissed yet!"
American - "ok fine, watch this"
So the american throws himself off and sure enough, he does a loop of the building and ends up sitting in the same place that he threw himself from. The irishman is understandably amazed.
Irishman - "That looks like fun, I'm gonna give it a try!"
So he throws himself off and splats on the pavement below. The englishman turns to the american and says -
Englishman - "Superman you're a bastard sometimes!"
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk
into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of
joke?"
A piece of tarmac is drinking in a bar, when a thin piece of red tarmac walks in and says "Buy me a drink!" He buys the drink, and the piece of red tarmac goes off to the other end of the bar.
So the barman asks him, "Why did you buy him the drink?" And the piece of tarmac replies "You don't want to argue with that guy. He's a bit of a cyclepath."
What's the difference between a street trader and a dacshund?
One balls out his wares on the pavement, the other wears.......
How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender.
A fellow finds a lamp on the beach, as he rubs the sand off a Geni appears. "I shall grant you three wishes...but the person you hate most in life will receive twice what you desire!" The man figures, what the heck...so he says, "I wish I had 10 million dollars!" Poof...10 million dollars apears...the Geni says, "at this very moment your mother-in-law just received 20 million dollars."
"Oh, but that's not fair!!! I hate my mother-in-law!" He thinks, then says, "for my second wish I want a home in every major port in the world." Poof...new homes in every major port appear. The Geni reminds him that his mother-in-law has just gotten two homes in every port. "Rrrr, that's just not fair...I hate that woman!"
"You have one wish," says the Geni, "Wish carefully!" The man thinks & thinks...suddenly his eyes sparkel with delight!!! He runs to his car & returns with a baseball bat. "Here," says the man, "I want you to take this bat & beat me half to death!"
What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A robber snatches watches.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.
Someone actually complimented me on my driving today, they left me a notice on my windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine' so that was nice
Three guys are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle...
The drunk shouts: "Your mom's the best damn lay in town!"
Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just ignores him.
The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-e-t!"
Once again the young man holds back his temper and refuses to take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of the bar.
Not two minutes pass when once again he's back harassing the young man. For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man's ear: "You know, your mom even let me..."
Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts: "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"
Jake was on his deathbed.
His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said."Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan."Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you.
A blonde and a redhead are watching the news on tv where a man is about to jump off a bridge.
"I bet you £20 he jumps" says the redhead.
"You're on" states the blonde.
He jumps.
The blonde is about to pay up when the redhead admits to having seen the event on the earlier news. To which the blond says.."I saw the news earlier as well. I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump again!".
A man has been lost in the desert for two weeks and is dying of thirst. Suddenly he crawls over the top a dune and spies three market stalls.
Somewhat astounded at his luck he crawls up to the first and through his slaked throat and chapped lips cries:
"Water. Water. Please I must have some water"
The stall owner shakes his head and says "Sorry, but I've got nothing but Custard here."
Perplexed, our man staggers along to the second one and repeats his cry:
"Water. Water. Please I must have some water"
Again, the stall holder shakes his head and says, "Sorry, but I've got nothing but Cream and Sponge"
"Water. Water. Please I must have some water" he cries i despair to the final stall holder, who woefully shakes his head and states that the only thing he stocks is Hundreds and Thousands.
Unable to believe his misfortune, our man looks up at the third stall holder and says:
"I can't believe none of you has any water."
The stall holder looks down at him and says in a solemn voice, "It is a trifle bazaar"
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
BA-DUM TISH
A Blonde enters a prestigious New York City bank and asks to see the loan manager. The gentleman asks how he can help her, and she asks what the rules are for a loan.
"Well, generally we ask for some collateral, to finalize the loan."
She says, "Fine, would my new Mercedes Benz do?"
The manager agrees that this would, indeed, be "fine".
She says, "In that case, I would like to borrow $20, until a week from Monday".
The manager, all the while thinking ..these blondes!!!, says "It's not a USUAL amount, so we will require an interest rate of 25%, just to cover the paperwork". The woman agrees, signs the paperwork, gives the manager her keys and leaves.
She returns promptly at opening time on the next Monday, pays her $25 and retrieves her keys.
The bank manager, burning with curiosity, asks her, "Madam, I just have to ask, why would you go through all this just to borrow a twenty, when you could obviously have borrowed so much more?"
She smiles sweetly, and says, "Where else can I find parking for that cheap in Manhattan, for a week and a half?"
Two budgies on a perch. One turns to the other and says:
"Can you smell fish?"
Did you hear about the bloke who put Viagra in his eyes? He thought it made him look hard.
What does a ball do when it's stopped rolling?
looks round.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children!
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
Did you hear about the gay midget?
He came out of the cabinet.
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor
asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen
year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do
you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me
tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He
never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of
a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of
his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, when
suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised
up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.
And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else
must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
What's hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, that starts with a C and ends in a T?
A coconut. What did you think it was? Pervert.
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A seatbelt.
I love to shave with a new razor. It reminds me of making love to a beautiful women for the first time. All the excitement, a little blood, and I am holding a razor.
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling. The barmaid went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
A robber snatches watches.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.
Someone actually complimented me on my driving today, they left me a notice on my windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine' so that was nice
Three guys are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle...
The drunk shouts: "Your mom's the best damn lay in town!"
Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just ignores him.
The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-e-t!"
Once again the young man holds back his temper and refuses to take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of the bar.
Not two minutes pass when once again he's back harassing the young man. For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man's ear: "You know, your mom even let me..."
Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts: "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"
Jake was on his deathbed.
His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said."Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan."Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you.
A blonde and a redhead are watching the news on tv where a man is about to jump off a bridge.
"I bet you £20 he jumps" says the redhead.
"You're on" states the blonde.
He jumps.
The blonde is about to pay up when the redhead admits to having seen the event on the earlier news. To which the blond says.."I saw the news earlier as well. I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump again!".
A man has been lost in the desert for two weeks and is dying of thirst. Suddenly he crawls over the top a dune and spies three market stalls.
Somewhat astounded at his luck he crawls up to the first and through his slaked throat and chapped lips cries:
"Water. Water. Please I must have some water"
The stall owner shakes his head and says "Sorry, but I've got nothing but Custard here."
Perplexed, our man staggers along to the second one and repeats his cry:
"Water. Water. Please I must have some water"
Again, the stall holder shakes his head and says, "Sorry, but I've got nothing but Cream and Sponge"
"Water. Water. Please I must have some water" he cries i despair to the final stall holder, who woefully shakes his head and states that the only thing he stocks is Hundreds and Thousands.
Unable to believe his misfortune, our man looks up at the third stall holder and says:
"I can't believe none of you has any water."
The stall holder looks down at him and says in a solemn voice, "It is a trifle bazaar"
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
BA-DUM TISH
A Blonde enters a prestigious New York City bank and asks to see the loan manager. The gentleman asks how he can help her, and she asks what the rules are for a loan.
"Well, generally we ask for some collateral, to finalize the loan."
She says, "Fine, would my new Mercedes Benz do?"
The manager agrees that this would, indeed, be "fine".
She says, "In that case, I would like to borrow $20, until a week from Monday".
The manager, all the while thinking ..these blondes!!!, says "It's not a USUAL amount, so we will require an interest rate of 25%, just to cover the paperwork". The woman agrees, signs the paperwork, gives the manager her keys and leaves.
She returns promptly at opening time on the next Monday, pays her $25 and retrieves her keys.
The bank manager, burning with curiosity, asks her, "Madam, I just have to ask, why would you go through all this just to borrow a twenty, when you could obviously have borrowed so much more?"
She smiles sweetly, and says, "Where else can I find parking for that cheap in Manhattan, for a week and a half?"
Two budgies on a perch. One turns to the other and says:
"Can you smell fish?"
Did you hear about the bloke who put Viagra in his eyes? He thought it made him look hard.
What does a ball do when it's stopped rolling?
looks round.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children!
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
Did you hear about the gay midget?
He came out of the cabinet.
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor
asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen
year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do
you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me
tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He
never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of
a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of
his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, when
suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised
up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.
And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else
must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
What's hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, that starts with a C and ends in a T?
A coconut. What did you think it was? Pervert.
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A seatbelt.
I love to shave with a new razor. It reminds me of making love to a beautiful women for the first time. All the excitement, a little blood, and I am holding a razor.
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling. The barmaid went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
My fav:
A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the
following:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 peach
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samoosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
1 single frozen pizza
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says,
"Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies,
'How'd you guess?'
He says,
'Because you're ugly.'
Thank me later
Well, he does need to power up first.Strain42 said:
OT: I'm pretty bad at this, so here goes.
What's the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher? A mathematician needs a pen, paper, and trash bin for his work, a philosopher can do without the trash bin.
Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach? Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun.
Here's one I heard from LoL's Heimerdinger
"Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium 'the medical elements?' Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'barium!'"
That's all I got
"Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium 'the medical elements?' Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'barium!'"
That's all I got
That made my laugh a bit. Thanks.renegade7 said:
Three men were planning on going somewhere this winter season. They decided to go skiing at an expensive mountain. Unfortunately they didn't have enough money, so they slept on one bed in the one room they got.
They wake up tomorrow. As they were eating breakfast in the restaurant, the man on the left suddenly said, "I had the weirdest dream last night."
The other two was curious, "What dream?"
The one on the left, "I dreamt I got a hand job."
The one on the right was in deep surprise, "Really? I dreamt that too. I guess great minds think alike."
"You guys are gay," The guy in the middle suddenly interrupted, "I dreamt I was skiing!"
Edit: and this one.
ok heres a story one-
A father is watching tv when his six year old daughter walks up to him and asks, 'daddy whats sex?' bewildered at the queston, he reasons if she is old enough to ask, then he should explain. After giving the speech about the flowers and the bees. He askes her, 'now where did you hear about that?' to which she replies, 'cause mom says dinner will be done in a couple of secs'.
A father is watching tv when his six year old daughter walks up to him and asks, 'daddy whats sex?' bewildered at the queston, he reasons if she is old enough to ask, then he should explain. After giving the speech about the flowers and the bees. He askes her, 'now where did you hear about that?' to which she replies, 'cause mom says dinner will be done in a couple of secs'.
-did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper. he sold his soul to santa.
-how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb. 2, don't know how they got in there though
-two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says " does this taste funny to you?"
-the website said I needed a password that was eight characters and I typed in, "snow white and the seven dwarves.'
-what does duct tape and the Force have in common?
they both have a dark side, a light side and they hold the universe together.
-Ever had Ethiopian food?
Neither have they!
-I hate them Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves
im here all week
-how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb. 2, don't know how they got in there though
-two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says " does this taste funny to you?"
-the website said I needed a password that was eight characters and I typed in, "snow white and the seven dwarves.'
-what does duct tape and the Force have in common?
they both have a dark side, a light side and they hold the universe together.
-Ever had Ethiopian food?
Neither have they!
-I hate them Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves
im here all week
so did you hear the one about the man that wanted to be a baker?
it didnt pan out, so his dreams went up in flames
it didnt pan out, so his dreams went up in flames
"Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"
This isn't a contribution of a joke, but I hope in your paper you talk about how every joke revolves around expectancy of a logical following, then is deterred by some sort of logical fallacy? It's the very main reason we find jokes funny, because illogical actions or happenings are alien and unexpected (laughter is a fear reaction, and illogical happenings are scary)
I'm not just talking out of my arse either, we had an entire philosophy lesson dedicated to this exact subject not too long ago and I might still have the little booklet.
I'm not just talking out of my arse either, we had an entire philosophy lesson dedicated to this exact subject not too long ago and I might still have the little booklet.
Where do gangster strawberries hang out?
In the Gateaux...
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
I attend weekly meetings of eavesdroppers anonymous... Although they don't know it...
My dads a French Copper... No wait, he's a Police Frogman.
Are you a Pole Vaulter? Nein I am a German, and my name is Fritz... (For those struggling, Read pole vaulter as Pole [as in Polish] Walter [in a german accent])
In the Gateaux...
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
I attend weekly meetings of eavesdroppers anonymous... Although they don't know it...
My dads a French Copper... No wait, he's a Police Frogman.
Are you a Pole Vaulter? Nein I am a German, and my name is Fritz... (For those struggling, Read pole vaulter as Pole [as in Polish] Walter [in a german accent])
