I need some social advice

[Royta]

Me and a couple of friends have been doing Dungeons and Dragons for a solid 9 months now. Every friday evening. It's fun, we drink, we laugh, we roleplay. We kick some demon ass!
But there's a problem. One of our friend's girlfriend plays with us, and it just doesn't click.

So. A quick rundown.

Our party consists of me, 3 friends from highschool, another friend from highschool as our DM, and his girlfriend as another party member.
It started out decently, but it is slowly going sour. We're all good friends that have known eachother over 10 years, through thick and thin we've stuck together. We have the same humor, everything, taste. It just clicks.
But the girlfriend is different, she doesn't function in our group. Whenever we talk about something that interests us she cuts us off because "she's not interested". We can only really talk about things that interest her, which we try, but we can't always follow her whim.
She's a bad roleplayer and big on metagaming (using knowledge you as a player know eventhough your character doesn't). She just wants treasure, and she gets all of it. She's never attacked. Does more damage. Gets a homebrewed class that is overpowered. All the perks of being the DM's (dungeon master, the storyteller) girlfriend.

Now, the sessions are slowly turning to go worse. She wants to do everything, command the party and gets personally offended if our characters disagree with hers. Going as far as sending a 5 page email my way for "not respecting her" the previous session. To which I reply "it's just a game, my character just wasn't supportive of that action. No need to get personal offended". Now she's mad at me, again. This is the 6th time it's happened. Twice she tried to kill the party, and failed.

Out of the game nobody likes her, we simply tolerate her because she's our good friend's girlfriend and she makes him happy. We tried to like her, but it all has to go her way. Talk about things she likes. Do what she wants. It's all "her her her her her", a very selfish attitude.
So she's really ruining our fun together as friends and splitting us apart.

Now the TL;DR, what do we do? We can't kick her out of the party without her boyfriend and us getting in a fight, he'll defend her as any good man would. I'm really not sure on how to handle it. I really need some advice ;/

Thank you all in advance for reading and your advice! Much appreciated!

 

[hazabaza1]

Slap a *****.
Okay okay, not that. Uhhh, make one of your characters betray the party and mind control you so you can kill her? And then you can be like, his minion so the game can continue but she'll be dead.

 

[Saladfork]

Tell your DM about how much the twat ruins the experience for everyone else. Either he'll tell her to knock it off, or you can get someonne else to DM.

 

[Royta]

Speak to your friend directly, tell him that it isn't working out with her. I'm sure he has to have noticed the tension by now, he's probably just hoping you guys don't mind that much since you've never brought it up.

Maybe write an e-mail if you feel anxious about a possible confrontation. Talk to your friends and make sure you're all in agreement before you approach your friend, though.

 

[Jonluw]

Ugh, that sounds horrible.
I can't imagine being in a campaign with someone I don't get rapport with.
It's crucial to me that party members are of matching personalities, so my advice would be to get her to leave, but I'm not too experienced.
I would try to confront her boyfriend with the reality of things. Explain that his girlfriend isn't really compatible with the rest of the group and it would be better for everyone if it stopped.

 

[Royta]

Thank you everyone for the answers. We've (the group, excluding the DM and Girlfriend) have decided to confront her with our feelings tomorrow and ask her to leave the group as she is simply ruin the fun for all of us.

It won't be pretty, and the group will probably fall apart, but this is just too much after all these months. Thank you all for pushing me over the edge!
I'll post again later this week with the result!

 

[Royta]

So, a short recap is in order. We didn't really talk about it, but we did.
After that email, that I sent to the other members as well, it was quite clear things had to change.

Turns out she behaved, for the first time in a long time. She didn't metagame, didn't push our buttons and even appologised in-game for some things she did. We're kinda looking the cat out of the tree here, as we're not sold on it yet.
But we're nice enough to give her one chance to prove that she can be a fun person and can make it fun. If not, then we'll have to force her to leave.

 

[GistoftheFist]

I believe in the time-honored and sacred tradition of bros before hoes. Don't let that Yoko ruin things for your group.

 

[Smiley Face]

Try getting some people on board to suggest a change of DMs, it might switch up the power dynamic enough to make things bearable. Perhaps a campaign with less room for treasure and more need for roleplaying might lessen her annoyance. In that case, she can either adapt to the new dynamic and become a functioning member of the group, or get bored and leave it, also resolving the problem.

There is alternatively the third possibility that she might throw increasing levels of tantrums as her control is threatened, so I suggest a DM who either has a slight vindictive side, a love of argument, or a persuasive nature.

If that doesn't work, I suggest collective discussion with the other people who feel the same way, and bringing it to the DM.

Or if you know anyone else with an assertive nature who plays D&D, get them on board so they can deal with her.

Best of luck, let us know how it goes.

 

[Royta]

The downside is that we can't really jump ship to another DM or change up the players.
This whole DnD team is more just old friends coming together and having fun, while DnD'ing a little on the side (though there are some hardcore sessions).

Which is why it's a bit stupid for her to be there, as nobody has any connection or history with her.
We've got a couple of assertive people in the group (myself included). We're trying to deal with her both in and out of game, but the downside is nothing can be said to her. When we put her in her place In Character (IC) then she gets insulted Out of Character (OC).
She then locks up, doesn't say anything for nearly an hour which isn't fun for our DM who then has to spent most of the time making her comfortable.

I have however confronted the DM about one thing, namely her immortality. We faced a Chaos Demon Two Headed Dragon (don't ask me for the real name, I'm not that deep into DnD to know) recently. We're a level-8 party, so it was a pretty hard battle.
I, as a tank-cleric with 90 HP, nearly died (was at -5 HP). So did our Cavelier (-10 HP). And our Inquisitor (at -8 HP). Only our Mage (8 HP) and the girlfriend (max HP) were concious at the end. She wasn't attacked, ever, even though she did the most damage. He just kept on pounding and pounding on us. So I confronted him on that and he denied it, but eventually he said that he'd attack her too from now on. So that's a small progress.

I'll post again next friday. The DnD drama continues!

 

[Thaluikhain]

Yeah, not much you can do other than exclude her/them.

I'd avoid the sexist language shown above if you have to justify it though.

 

[LongAndShort]

Talk to him mate, tell him your concerns, get him to deal with the problem. Make him see the problem. And, I'll be honest, if he refuses to see the problem or deal with it exclude him as well. I've had a few friendships ruined by oppressive girlfriends, but if it's ruining the dynamics now imagine the damage it could do later. At the very least threaten him with exclusion, vaguely with language like 'sorry man, but if you keep bringing her along we might stop bringing you along'.

Otherwise, let things build up to a boiling point, then explode at her, nice and loud, calling for your other mates to back you up. Deliver your points eloquently, though with a great deal of swearing, tell him "sorry mate, but she's an obnoxious, overbearing *****" and leave quietly, all controlled rage.

 

[Macgyvercas]

Point out to the DM that having his girlfriend here is negatively impacting the party. Don't forget, one of the first things the DMG tells you is that above all else, the point is to have fun. Any good DM will try to address the situation without the loss of a party member, and if that's not possible, remove the problem (I did it by killing a troublesome Drow). Of course, since this is the DM's girlfriend, it's a bit trickier, but I suppose you could always pull the "Majority rules" move. Seems to work for me.

I have however confronted the DM about one thing, namely her immortality. We faced a Chaos Demon Two Headed Dragon (don't ask me for the real name, I'm not that deep into DnD to know) recently. We're a level-8 party, so it was a pretty hard battle.
I, as a tank-cleric with 90 HP, nearly died (was at -5 HP). So did our Cavelier (-10 HP). And our Inquisitor (at -8 HP). Only our Mage (8 HP) and the girlfriend (max HP) were concious at the end. She wasn't attacked, ever, even though she did the most damage. He just kept on pounding and pounding on us. So I confronted him on that and he denied it, but eventually he said that he'd attack her too from now on. So that's a small progress.

Okay, what? That's messed up right there. Ordinarily, monsters tend to attack whoever is closest or whoever pisses them off the most unless they're intelligent enough to have a severe ulterior motive.

Anyway, the point I'm laboriously trying to get to here is that given the nature of the group, she's obviously a minority interest-wise, so she by right should be considerate and try to get along. If that's not possible...well, the assassain prestige class exists for a reason.

Also, is this 3.5 or 4e?

 

[ChaoticKraus]

Our party consists of me, 3 friends from highschool, another friend from highschool as our DM, and his girlfriend as another party member.
It started out decently, but it is slowly going sour. We're all good friends that have known eachother over 10 years, through thick and thin we've stuck together. We have the same humor, everything, taste. It just clicks.
But the girlfriend is different, she doesn't function in our group. Whenever we talk about something that interests us she cuts us off because "she's not interested". We can only really talk about things that interest her, which we try, but we can't always follow her whim.

Now this is the messed up part for me. You're some old friends hanging out, and despite not fitting in with the social chemistry she has the fucking audacity to remain and try to get everything to run her way? Forget about the game, shes actively trying to ruin your friendship! I have a similar hangout with some old friends myself, and if anyone tried that I would slap him/her so hard they woke up in another dimension.

Dont let her hang out anymore, she doesnt need to be there anyway! Ask the DM to explain that this is a guys night with old friends where its not really appropriate to bring girlfriends. If she disagrees she's a possesive asshole, if he disagrees he's a massive tool. Either way cut the rotten limb off. If she's not compatible with you she has no place to be there.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

The downside is that we can't really jump ship to another DM or change up the players.
This whole DnD team is more just old friends coming together and having fun, while DnD'ing a little on the side (though there are some hardcore sessions).

Which is why it's a bit stupid for her to be there, as nobody has any connection or history with her.
We've got a couple of assertive people in the group (myself included). We're trying to deal with her both in and out of game, but the downside is nothing can be said to her. When we put her in her place In Character (IC) then she gets insulted Out of Character (OC).
She then locks up, doesn't say anything for nearly an hour which isn't fun for our DM who then has to spent most of the time making her comfortable.

I have however confronted the DM about one thing, namely her immortality. We faced a Chaos Demon Two Headed Dragon (don't ask me for the real name, I'm not that deep into DnD to know) recently. We're a level-8 party, so it was a pretty hard battle.
I, as a tank-cleric with 90 HP, nearly died (was at -5 HP). So did our Cavelier (-10 HP). And our Inquisitor (at -8 HP). Only our Mage (8 HP) and the girlfriend (max HP) were concious at the end. She wasn't attacked, ever, even though she did the most damage. He just kept on pounding and pounding on us. So I confronted him on that and he denied it, but eventually he said that he'd attack her too from now on. So that's a small progress.

I'll post again next friday. The DnD drama continues!

Not a D&D player, but I have a similar friendship with my friends where we all hang out in our close friends basement and just chill... we don't do anything aside from chit-chat and play video games (Sometimes together, often times each of us doing our own thing) and occasionally girlfriends have gotten into the mix. My ex would always beg to come and then get bored because we "Didn't do anything." and disrupted the flow by constantly suggesting we go about doing something outside our dynamic. Eventually I had to tell her she just shouldn't come because it wasn't enjoyable to her.

Another friend in the group, his current girlfriend hangs out with us sometimes, and she's all right. She gets what we do, and for the most part her interest fall inside our parameters... still it gets annoying having her there after weeks straight because well, we're all close friends and having her there requires a degree of self-censorship.

however this gets to my point: If you guys are as close as you say, you should all be able to vocalize your frustration to your friend with out a problem, and encourage him to kick her out of the group (kindly ofcourse, does it seem like she enjoys it at all?)

 

[Royta]

Which is why it's a bit stupid for her to be there, as nobody has any connection or history with her.

Ah...see now you make yourself look bad. It sounds like at least part of the problem is you resenting someone new. That's petty and immature and may be colouring your outlook.

I think I might have miscommunicated that part. We're old friends who just want to hang out together. She isn't the type of person to hang out with us, other tastes, other hobbies, likes/dislikes.

She doesn't fit in, nor does she try. We try and talk with her about things, hell we even talked about why she loved Twilight and express that in a honest interest. But whenever we talk things that aren't her thing (think videogames, woman, old memories) then she instantly shuts us down and almost forces us to stop talking. It's the fact that she doesn't try, that's what hurts it the most.

Okay, what? That's messed up right there. Ordinarily, monsters tend to attack whoever is closest or whoever pisses them off the most unless they're intelligent enough to have a severe ulterior motive.

Also, is this 3.5 or 4e?

The creature was pretty intelligent. But eventhough me and the cavelier were on the frontlines, our damage output was minimal (I do 1d4, the cavelier did 1d6+5 or something, we were heavy downscaled due to curses). She did 4d6 plus a lot of extra's (she has the most magical gear due to her starting with more money, another 'topic'). Yet the monster still ignored her. Oh well.

She's a Homebrewed Oracle class also. With:
- a benifitial curse that allows her to get inflicted by all cast mind-inflicting spells (good and bad, but mostly good)
- druid spell list
- cleric spell list
- oracle spell list
- 3 custom made spells that give either +3 AC or +3 damage
- no preparation needed for spells.

Just typing all this made me realise how out of hand this has gotten.

Also we started with 3.5 but are slowly edging towards Pathfinder. We're playing a sort of hybrid.

Thank you all for the advice, I read it all and took it to heart. Hopefully the next session will go smoothly.