I think I'm about to be dumped.

[Canadamus Prime]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

My question would be, what the flying fuck is the difference?

Well, I've gotten that line, but she then stated that she 'loves me like a brother'...so maybe something like that?

Well I suppose that makes slightly more sense.

 

[mysecondlife]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

Wow.

She tells me, somewhat out of the blue, that lately she's been feeling like she's drifing away from me, that our relationship seems based on convenience, and that it isn't going anywhere.

The thing is though, that as far as relationships go, we've had it pretty good: we see each other often, get on well with each others' families, we're openly affectionate with each other (in public, after nearly 4 years!!), have sex frequently, and hardly ever fight. And when we do fight, we listen to and respect each other's point of view.

She tells me she's had phases of doubt in the past that have dissapated, but this one is more solid.

A few weeks ago she was chatting casually to her boss about us, when he abruptly told her it wouldn't last. She's also been catching up with a friend of hers more recently, and he's just come out of a long, stable relationship. I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

I asked her if I had (or hadn't) done anything to make her feel this way and she said no. I told her to think about it, and now I'm going over to her place tomorrow, and I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

Sorry. There's no easy way. Best way is for you to break up with her instead of waiting for her. Then think of all the things you wanted to do but couldn't because she didn't let you or because she couldn't.

BTW: I'm a dude.

 

[Smeggs]

I don't play games or crap like that anymore. A lot of girls love to think they're so sly, but when it comes to important subjects such as this what you want to do is get a straight answer, no bullshit, no beating around the bush.


Try to figure out why it is she feels that way, then you can either fix it, or not do the same thing in the future.
A lot of the time, "drifting apart" ends up being code for, "I've been cheating on you/am thinking of cheating on you, so I'm gonna end it before you find out and I look like a total douche."


If she can't give you a straight answer as to what her problem-or your problem-is, drop it like it's hot, man. Sounds to me like the relationship is flying toward some lofty mountain peaks, and you should probably eject before she takes the only parachute.

 

[mysecondlife]

Sorry. There's no easy way. Best way is for you to break up with her instead of waiting for her. Then think of all the things you wanted to do but couldn't because she didn't let you or because she couldn't.

Wait, what? At what point did the OP say anything about his girlfriend being controlling and not letting him do things?

He didn't. But there were stuffs I couldn't do with my ex-girlfriend because she was allergic to a lot of things. What I'm saying was never about control.

 

[mysecondlife]

He didn't. But there were stuffs I couldn't do with my ex-girlfriend because she was allergic to a lot of things.

OK ... but the thread isn't about your ex-girlfriend. And the OP never mentioned his girlfriend having allergies. Also, couples can do stuff separately.

What I'm saying was never about control.

Then think of all the things you wanted to do but couldn't because she didn't let you.

W/e I give up. I've skimmed through this thread and you haven't offered anything to help the OP yourself.

Consider yourself ignored.

 

[Thoughtful_Salt]

my girlfriend dumped me over a facebook chat, don't let her do that, don't let her hide behind a wall of electronics, that devalues everything that you both went through. But I kind of knew that a breakup was coming, though not for a lack of me trying to get things right again, she just never seemed that involved after a certain point. Whatever happens man, don't let her break the news over facebook, text, or email.

 

[Vault101]

It is indeed.

Fran is my hero.

it looks like that episode where she gets a job but has no Idea what it is shes actually suposed to be doing

 

[Gennadios]

If she's 22, it's kind of a thing, you've been dating since she was legal, you're probably her first and only stable relationship, and at that age kids want adventure or excitement.

For better or worse, she won't really be comfortable until she drifts around sexually making one f*ckup after another. Stability isn't something people tend to value in relationships until they get close to their 30's.

 

[BiscuitTrouser]

SNIP

To make it easier:
Approach her upfront and talk to her:
"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"[ This is how I view our relationship ] ",
"[This is what I think about a future with you ]"
"Do you want to break up?"

I did this not 2 weeks ago and the result was good, we talked openly about the issue and took great lengths to solve it and now we are doing pretty good and shes confident she wants to stay, this was after saying all the things you said your girlfriend said Mr OP. It works. I used it. It works. Do it.

 

[Apollo45]

Snip

To make it easier:
Approach her upfront and talk to her:
"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"[ This is how I view our relationship ] ",
"[This is what I think about a future with you ]"
"Do you want to break up?"

No excuses, no BS, just be direct and for fuck's sake, be honest.

I find this to be much easier than waiting for her to make up her mind.

This guy's got it right. It might not be the exact way you want to go about it, depending on what both her and your personalities are like, but one way or another it's what needs to happen. Be calm about it, tell her how you feel, ask her what's going on, see if she can tell you why she's started feeling that way. Be specific and push a little to get straight answers. I don't know about your girl, but God knows that many women won't give straight answers without a bit of a fight, and sometimes that's what needs to happen.

I know that feeling you have man. My girlfriend has had those same feelings a few times in our relationship, but after talking to her I've found there's almost always a solid reason behind it, even if I had to pry to get that reason out. She's three years older than me, and we've managed to get through two stages in life where one of us was at College while the other wasn't. In all the cases some extended separation is what caused the issue. Once it was because a friend of hers was being a ***** and was, we found out later, extremely jealous of her for some reason. Her friend kept telling her that long distance relationships never last and she'd be better off dumping me or cheating on me and so on. That took a long time for her to really get over, and in the immediate few days we had a lot of talks about where our relationship was going, what we were doing, and what we saw in each other.

The second time we had switched places - I was at college and she was at her job - and she had this suspicion that I was cheating on her. That's not something I would ever do, but I'm more of a partier (party-er?) than she is and she was worried that I would get drunk and make mistakes. On my end, I'm not the kind of drunk who does that, so it was never anything she had to worry about, but I had to make a compromise and cut back on the partying for her. This occasion also required a lot of talking and a lot of convincing her that I would never cheat on her or anyone else.

The third time was more similar to what you're saying. She thought we were drifting apart, that we were falling out of love as it were, and that it might be better to just break up. This one ended up becoming a rather huge fight on our part, and it took a few weeks to get back to normal, but it's what needed to happen. She thought I was blowing her off, I thought she was being a ***** about a lot of things, and it was a time where we just couldn't communicate well. It took taking an extended trip down to see her to really get over things, and even then there was some tension.

In every case the end result was that we needed to talk more, about how we were feeling about the relationship, about what was going on in our lives, if you were doing anything wrong in her eyes, if she was doing anything wrong in your eyes, and everything else under the sun. It's likely that you'll need to do some of the same, so just man up and talk to her about it. Be direct, be sure of yourself, and don't be afraid to say "hey, if you do want to break up, let's try to work it out first before we do anything." Let her know you care about her, and don't be afraid to try something new. Go on a vacation with her, take her out to dinner more often, and so on and so forth.

That said though, you have to know when to let her go. If she decides, after talking to her about everything and really going over your relationship, that she doesn't want to be with you then there's nothing you can do, and frankly if she decides that then it's best to let her go. Trust me when I say you don't want to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't love you anyway. It'll hurt for a long while, but you'll come out of it stronger and you'll find other women who you love, and in the end you'll be left with a bunch of happy memories and life experiences that will only help you as time goes on.

You'll be fine mate. Hang in there, talk to her, and figure out together whether your relationship is working from both sides or not.

PS: Hopefully I'm not too late on this one.

 

[MeChaNiZ3D]

Then there's only one thing to do, get in first and put yourself in the power seat!

Just kidding.

But no, I've never had that feeling.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

snip

Approach her upfront and talk to her:
"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"[ This is how I view our relationship ] ",
"[This is what I think about a future with you ]"
"Do you want to break up?"

No excuses, no BS, just be direct and for fuck's sake, be honest.

I find this to be much easier than waiting for her to make up her mind.

I agree with this. Another poster pointed out that this might force her to make the decision quickly and that might be bad. And, while I agree with that poster's analysis, I also agree that quick may equal better in the long run.

So I'll once again echo Calibanbutcher's advice (others have already done so). It's good advice.

Know my thoughts go out to you (and to her, to a lesser degree). I hope this isn't a case of Graduation Itch but I fear it might be (as someone else suggested).

I will also ask one thing of you - please update us on the situation. I know I'd like to hear how this turns out.

 

[Boris Goodenough]

Calibanbutcher hit the nail on the head, that being said being in love doesn't last forever though, so people should prepare for it to stop at some point:
http://lwelch.hubpages.com/hub/Why-does-love-fade-over-time

When we first fall in love our bodies release chemicals such as PEA (phenylethylalamine). The effects of this chemical last between 6 months - 5 years. This chemical can supplant genuine affection and cooperation, but, once the body has become accustomed to it, the relationship will die if strong bonds have not not been forged.

However the fact she loves you means that there is still hope for the both of you, so best wishes to you.

 

[knight steel]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

Wow.

She tells me, somewhat out of the blue, that lately she's been feeling like she's drifing away from me, that our relationship seems based on convenience, and that it isn't going anywhere.

The thing is though, that as far as relationships go, we've had it pretty good: we see each other often, get on well with each others' families, we're openly affectionate with each other (in public, after nearly 4 years!!), have sex frequently, and hardly ever fight. And when we do fight, we listen to and respect each other's point of view.

She tells me she's had phases of doubt in the past that have dissapated, but this one is more solid.

A few weeks ago she was chatting casually to her boss about us, when he abruptly told her it wouldn't last. She's also been catching up with a friend of hers more recently, and he's just come out of a long, stable relationship. I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

I asked her if I had (or hadn't) done anything to make her feel this way and she said no. I told her to think about it, and now I'm going over to her place tomorrow, and I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

[Baneat]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

I don't actually understand the distinction here between the two things

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

Yeah, realise that it's over now and that if she's having doubts about your relationship then it's already fucked. By saying she's not sure if she's in love with you she means that she doesn't want to be together any more but can't really bring herself to finish things. She still likes you, loves you even, but your relationship is definitively over, any hope you're holding onto will just make everything worse.

 

[saoirse13]

This is one shitty thing to happen. What you need to concentrate on is the fact that you have done nothing wrong. As far as you are concerned, you have done nothing to hurt her or make her re-evaluate her relationship. If it was a case of you cheating then the situation would be different.
Its a horrible feeling, but know this, you may be hurt now, and it may take alot of time, but you will be fine in the long run. If the relationship does end, then you will learn through time to live without her. But as others have said, you will have to accept her decision. It may not be the right decision for you but as far as she is concerned in her mind it is the right decision for her. And as harsh as this may sound in a year or 2 maybe even 3, you will fall in love with someone who you deserve, someone who will see you as the most important person in the world to them and you may feel the same for them...

All you can do right now is wait, wait and see what her decision is, wait and see where it lead. You never know it may put you on a pathway to gaining something better.
I know what this is like from experience, deep down you know whats going to happen, always trust your gut instincts"

Ha now if i could take my own advice maybe I would be in a better situation. This happened to me 7 years ago i knew my bf was going to end it. He did. And i tried to get past it and get over it, and i did mostly until after staying friends made it difficult, we recently got back togther after 7 years. now we have been together for 8 months and i love him with every inch of my being. But as recent events have shown me it may not have been the best decison to get back together. At the moment there is a very good chance that he has just created an online dating profile, I literally just found out yesterday as a friend was on that particular website and informed me or it. Now i wouldnt care if it hads been an old profile but according to the profile picture it may be pretty recent. So yeah not a similar situation but definately one where i have a similar gut instinct telling me somethings now right.

Sorry for hijacking your problem page to vent about my own. I hope things work out for you and if it all goes pear shaped, then it will get better and who knows you could end up with something much more awesome in the long run.