If you were an evil overlord, what rules would you make your men follow?

[Erttheking]

Many of us have read the Evil Overlord list and seen the stupid things that villains do, so if you were in their shoes what would you make your men do? I would

1. Enforce a dress code. My men would wear clean presentable uniforms with nothing obstructing their face. Also, mohawks will not be allowed

2. I will make sure that they can pass basic tests that show they know how to use their weapons.

3. They will not harass random people unless it is part of a plan, IE luring the hero into a trap.

4. They will not be allowed to talk to prisoners.

5. I will drill them in basic tactics such as flanking, pincer attacks and ambushes.

6. If my enemy cannot be harmed by standard weapons, I will ensure that my men receive special equipment.

7. They will be told that there is no punishment for setting off an alarm when they thought that they saw something but actually didn't. I'd rather have 100 false alarms than have one guard not report the hero intruding out of fear of being wrong.

What about you?

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

Train them to shoot through the hero shield.
Those pesky movie heroes don't even need bullet time.

I imagine the hero shield as being this field that distorts reality around the hero, so, in theory, to shoot through it, you need to aim, not at the hero, but slightly above.

It's almost like those minions with bad aim hit more things than the elite soldiers.

 

[Revnak_v1legacy]

I would recommend the Evil Overlord list, but honestly if I were a villain I'd be too busy hamming it up like crazy to care. Therefore there would only be one rule in my evil organization.
Fuck. Shit. Up.
That's it, nothing else. No genius plans to take the hero down, no brilliant rules to ensure my continued dominance, just pure unfiltered shit fucking to greater altitudes than ever imagined before. It will be fun while it lasts.

 

[darlarosa]

NUMBER ONE: MAKE SURE THEY CAN NOT ONLY FIRE A GUN BUT HIT A TARGET.
NUMBER TWO: NO STUPID SPEECHES JUST KILL THEM
Number Three: Fridays are family fun night, if anyone has suggestions for a food theme put them in the suggestion box.
Number Four: Do not touch the Mr.coffee. If you touch the Mr.Coffee we may have to let you go.
Number Five: Fraternizing is allowed so long as it doesn't interfere with work
Number 6: Only people trained to use hyper death guns, beams, etc. will use hyper death guns, beams, etc.
Number 7: No pranks in the office, warehouse, and experimentation area
Number 8: If something is contaminated shoot it. Don't just stare at it as it becomes more infected.


These seem to be the most important to me....in my experience.

 

[Imthatguy]

1. Enforce a strict dress code
1a Mohawk and other outlandish haircuts required
1b Only black red and steel colors allowed
1c Mandatory 2 large tears and 5 small tears in clothing
1d Cleavage both male and female is mandatory (extra points for australian)
2. All other armed individuals are to be shot
2a Anyone who give you a funny feeling will be beaten mercilessly on pain of death
3. All members will carry atleast 1 automatic weapon (See section 23 para 3 'More Dakka')
3a Sufficient ammo will be carried at all times
4. Rape is a special kind of evil - DON'T DO IT
4a Sexual assault as well
5. If you hear gunfire INVESTIGATE!
6. Buddy system is in effect
7. Evil plans with be placed on inconspicuous encrypted thumbnail drives not in folders marked top sekrit
8. Prisoners will not be taken
9. Objects marked with a red cross are a priority for destruction
10. Evil AL the Evil AI Is not your friend he is a tool
11. All weapons will receive personal names
12. Women are just as much a threat as men, do not hesitate, they won't

 

[Scarim Coral]

Let see-

No slacking off during work time or you will become a test subject for my experiment.

Only qualify and trained people are allow to use guns and vehicle like cars or tank.

While I do use the uniforn and maybe mask but I will also employed the "buddy system". Get to know your collegue and if he or she acting strange, asked to remove his/her mask. If that person refuse, shoot him/ her (in case a spy sneak in, took out a guard and wear their uniform and mask).

All henchmen must get well rested sleep, a wide awake soldier is efficient soldier.

No alcohol during work time (acceptable when off duty but only in moderation).

Each soldier are allow to have their own "private" time (What? I'm evil! Therefore I have my own network so they can view whatever they want).

No psychopath, pedo or other offender in my workforce, I have standard and honour.

I allow poker, karaoke and other fun activity on the weekend and when I have no evil scheme in the making.

I welcome all those who want to work for me (however you have to prove you're not a spy) including if you want work experience (I know what it like being unemployed).

Prisoners are to be treated with respect and diginity unless they are the cocky spies or superheroes type.

Do NOT wonder off to investigate a sound or something off, report to your superior first who will then alert me.

You all get nametag and address each other names on the nametag (no nameless minions for me).

 

[Rowan93]

I won't give them the Evil Overlord List, that might make them think I'm an evil overlord.

They'd basically just follow the rules of a regular army, with the additional caveat of "don't do anything stupid, or you'll be fed to the crocodiles".

 

[Sixcess]

I would order them not to follow the Evil Overlord list. Shooting the hero dead at the first opportunity might sound like a good idea, but then the next hero might do the same thing to me. If we all play by the rules then even if my schemes are thwarted I will live to scheme another day.

(unless the hero in question is a 90s anti-hero with a history of killing bad guys, in which case I would have the fucker shot on sight....)

 

[Thaluikhain]

"Try".

Most of the time what pisses me off in movies/whatever isn't when people fail, it's when they aren't trying. If you're a soldier of evil, fuckign act like a soldier, don't stand round waiting to get killed by some hero with a stupid one liner.

 

[Esotera]

I would employ only metrosexual men who were willing to oil each other up before battle, and make them wear red capes and grow awesome beards


I think there'd also probably be an unwritten law that they must listen to epic metal at least twice a day. Oh, and obviously I'd take care of all the killings personally, or get my trusted lieutenant to do it for me.

 

[NuclearOsprey]

i only have two rules
1) no cutting of hair on body
2) kill anything and everything that moves that isnt on our side.

 

[itsthesheppy]

I would send my henchmen to classes on how to properly engage a single opponent when you have numerical superiority in hand to hand combat. I.E. Don't all attack him one at a time. Note; If hero is a Grammaton Cleric, you're fucked no matter what you do.

 

[saintdane05]

1. Treat all fellow warriors with respect inside of the fortress. Unless they are prisoners, enemies or love slaves (What? I'm evil, right? And I am equal opportunity. Both genders will be love slaves!)

2. When raiding, you are allowed to claim anyone except for children. You sick bastard, they belong to me.

3. Any children produced by the army will be taken to the "nursery". Say your goodbyes, you won't see them for a long time.

4. Do NOT go into my porn stash.

5. Dress code is enforced both in and out of the fortress.

6. Do not harm kitties!

7. Heros die. Do not talk to them. Do not admit secrets. If caught, bite your tongue off.

8. Torture is only allowed by certified torture technicians.

9. Only look at me directly in board and strategy meetings.

10. Bless4 and the Beatles are the only bands you are allowed to blare through the sound system.

11. There is a room labeled "Lemons". Do not enter that area. You will be eviscerated.

12. Weapons will be standard issue unless I have given you permission to use alternatives.

13. You are allowed ONE pet penguin

14. Do not talk to the daemons. Please.

15. Only Officers may have internet access. Any important outside information will be distributed though them.

16. Don't expect a funeral if you die.

17. If a family member is in a town targeted for a raid, I will consider extracting them beforehand. Don't think this is a promise.

18. See the complete rulebook for minor offenses and other rules.

 

[TakerFoxx]

The whole goddamn thing. It'll be required reading during training, and there will be regular quizzes and inspections to make sure they don't forget.

 

[NightHawk21]

Well apart from the obvious, I'd ensure that all my henchmen are implanted with chips that detect heart function and a couple of other physiological factors which are directly routed into the alarm system, so that if someone all of a sudden dies at the hands of some pesky hero, boom alarm system up, and cameras focused on the area in an instant.

 

[God'sFist]

I'd do it Dark lord style as I have knights that follow my commands as par dealing with the good guys no spies allowed every soldier wheres a unique mark on their person. execute every single thing that moves that does not have a unique insignia on them.

 

[Heronblade]

Men? what men?

I'll be using a combination of perfectly obedient combat drones and genetically engineered creatures of various types, with infiltration androids doing any jobs out in the public eye. Hiring actual people comes with a few too many risks, and they tend to complain a bit more about being implanted with bombs set to go off on capture.

On second thought, I'm likely to snag the services of a few private security groups, but won't be telling them much of anything, just set them as a buffer outside of my actual defenses under the delusion that its just a standard contract.

 

[No social life]

1. Ensure all soldiers have sufficient weapons training.
2. NEVER create zombies
3. Carry a number of ranged and close combat weapons with me
4. Receive training for a wide range of weapons
5. Wear body armor
6. Overkill never hurts
7. If I capture a enemy with the exception of those designated to be brainwashed or interrogated, kill on sight
8. Have the detention facility faraway from the main base.
9. Don't take hostages or human shields it may backfire.
10. Don't kill the wrong people.(messengers and so on)
11. I must at all times have a sufficiently cuddly cat with me at all times.
(as a added bonus it may act as a type of shield, because who could hurt a cute fluffy cat?)
12. Anybody who breaks a "golden rule" (there will be a detailed rule book) will be sentenced to either death or a extended time behind a monitor with nothing but nyan cat playing, the duration of the latter ranges upwards from a 24 hour day to life, depending on the infraction.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

1. Mandatory daily marksmanship training. I will not have henchmen with Stormtrooper aim.
2. No reading material, video games, or any other distractions while on guard duty. If you're watching anything other than the security monitors, you will be shot.
3. If a security monitor goes out, even for a second, investigate immediately! It's probably the hero trying to break in.
4. Do not rape and/or sexually assault prisoners. We may be evil, but we still have class.
5. No taunting the hero, that's my job.
6. Standard uniforms must be word AT ALL TIMES and no wild haircuts allowed.
7. If someone has a funny feeling about him or there's something "off" about him, shoot him.
8. Everyone is to familiarize themselves with all new recruits immediately, so if ever you encounter someone you don't recognize, shoot him.
9. All cardboard boxes are conspicuous, check them.
10. Don't attack the hero one at a time. I don't care if you think you can take him alone; if you can take him alone then the whole group of you can definitely take him.

 

[Sean Wagner]

This is why I use robots...