For those who don't know this thread is off the rails, wwwwaaaayyyyy off. Over the last month I read all 1000 ish pages and after some counsiling I give this story to you.
[HEADING=3]The jaunty tale of a overused bed.[/HEADING] 24 December 2009 10:55 pm A flicker of light, the running of text across the screen and with that a thread was born under the name ?If you woke up beside the above Escapist's avatar....? It was a simple thread with a fresh innocence, the thread began to grow. It was only 4 posts before its first dick joke, (A elegant questioning whether if that was in fact a lightsaber or just the happiness shown by upon waking up next to the above user) and with a kick off by some notable figures on its host site ?the escapist? the thread was destined for good things.
Chapter 1- Early days
The thread (Which I?m calling Thready for no reason) was chugging along on its rails with many people waking up next to the above avatar and reacting accordingly. Though some posts were made redundant with avatar changes, the charm of Thready continued. It was on its 73 post that the first pun was used saying this was a thread that the poster could get behind [small]Hurr hurr get behind[/small] and set the standard for many pun related posts for the future and it was not until the 117th that the first ninja had entered the thread.
On the 238th post a truly shocking event occurred! Vrex360 the original badass alien known for his brutal and unrelenting killing of humans admitted he was pleased with waking up next to a human. The chronicler was shocked and had to have some therapy time with a bottle of Jack.
Chapter 2- A bump
Thready was carrying along steadfastly with the rails looking strong and seemingly endless but a sudden clarifying quote from the incumbent JuilanKing93 marked the first diversion from the topic. Some say this was just a harmless quote while others say Oh cher le monde va finir but those people are French and should wait and see. But the discussion soon finished and this marked the first post of thread veteran Lambi and what could be (awaiting confirmation from Liberians) the first Hug which was delivered by SirBrightside.
After a large patch of mild yuri and a short Rp-ing the thread had its first derail in the 1533th post heralding in the new age of the thread.
Chapter 3- what the hell is going on?
Thready was going through a strange period the whole thread seemed to take an Rp turn about multiple people sharing a very large bed and some crazed occupants calling for more yuri.
Post 1682 will forever be remembered as the momentous occasion of the first instance of someone being thrown out the window which would become a standard practice of the future. This simple reaction to SFJ was damaging and elegant and will be spoken of for many pages to come.
-CENSORD- also came into practice in these times with many dirty, dirty things thankfully blocked from viewing. (Our thoughts are with those who experienced these acts and various help lines have been set up for rehabilitation) A notable moment of uncensored eww was Guitar Gamer having his spine broken on a rack and passing out in some sought of ................Um I don?t want to go into it.
The first pot of coffee was brewed by CounterAttack and was a rare occasion of non poisoning/drugging of the infamous drink that was heartily enjoyed by the non poisoned/drugged drinkers.
The ?CENSORD- theme inevitably ended in a string of violence that made war look like a walk in the park, climaxing with Spock calling someone a sextoy, barrel throwing and head explosions. Which then strangely ended up landing the thread on the rails again and then promptly crashing and burning all over a small village in South America falling right back into the loop of depravity or as some would put it Elegance.
Chapter 4 ?the coffee was poisoned
As the thread became more and more derailed a pot of coffee was brewed and then poisoned by none other than Sleekgiant! Yes the coffee that killed so many posters with its forbidden deadly charms was befouled by Sleek. But a mild case of death was not the most fowl, unnecessary action in the early life of the thread. An unprovoked mentioning of the Hollywood Undead caused poor Waffles and Bacon to vomit in fear and disgust.
It was also in this time that the thread received a stern warning from a moderator saying that if the thread derail is continuing when they return consequences will incur, we hope that day never comes. And then HAMMERTIME! No not ban-hammer time a strange number of hammer related incidents began to roll through the thread and capture the hearts and minds of severe blunt force trauma patients worldwide /Lies
Chapter 5 ?What?s with all these dead bodies?
ZOMBIES!!!!!! Oh don?t worry they were taken care of, but I digress, after being caught in a glassy crossfire Fury is me became a denizen of the living dead and in accordance of section 13-b of the proper zombie behavioural act, he leaped at Mr. Mudkip and munched on some sweet mudkip brains. Thankfully Sex rex and Rainboq finished of the zombie and the normality was restored, for about a minute.
Meeting with you here is a drag
When you speak all you do is just brag.
I take that back,
You were great in the sack
So bother this nonsense, let's shag. A poem by Josh_v2.0
Everybody?s favourite disembodied leg Harris (Greyfox?s un-attached leg) was stolen by a vine swinging maniac who retreated and sparked a strange waffle-copter chase, but with quick magic mushroom fuelled thinking from ash pox, the burglar was shot and Harris was saved and went to do a three picture deal with Miramax (Greyfox one day hopes to see Harris again).
Chapter 5 - It?s ok just rain hide in Maxieon?s afro
Infinite threw marshmallows everywhere and I wasn?t there? DAM IT! *re focuses.* It should at this point be said that so far the bed that everyone has been bleeping and drinking coffee in has not been replaced or even had the sheets washed. This is especially worrying because as Rainboq said ?that was ALOT of fluids?. *Shudders* Maybe you the reader should get yourself checked or better yet purged in some way. Also Sleek would you mind closing that hell portal you opened back on page 412, thank you.
With everything that this thread has been said and done, with all the people who have been damaged beyond repair and with the all monstrosities that have been brought forth into the world, (Bacon cookies really scde?) at least, the very least, we can all take solace in the fact there is a draw that has an infinite number of spoons in it and it will forever be the happy paradox that will collapse the universe and keep it open at the same time.
Chapter 6 ? If you haven?t been thrown out the window by shock you haven?t done nothing
A tiger and a moogle bleeping, That is all. This thread is so off track that it reminds me of a train that crashed, fell into the sea, and got carried away by Cthulu -VikingIncogneto.
The real Ultimate showdown happened in this thread. Tiny and Leon had the brawl to end brawls, in which they used Axes, smokebombs and all manner of evil to attack each other for no good reason. But soon the fight ended because of Infinite loosing concentration and bringing a giant floating cookie into the world and the good times barrage of coffee and hot chocolate continued. Also while the good times were rolling Saturn was blown up.
The rivalry between Sock Value and Scde2 is long and has more back stabbing than a bad midday soap opera, (which is a shame because I?m good a long passionate stares into nothing with dramatic music playing.)
But I can finally divulge who fired the first shot and who caused the rivalry.
It was Shock! It happened long ago but Scde awoke in the threads normal fashion and to his surprise his money had been stolen by none other than the person who was sneaking away from the scene of the crime Shockvalue. Though scde did not react to the theft at first, he plotted and waited until his chance for revenge.
Chapter 7 ? A witty chapter name
It seems that hugging and cutesy doings seem to follow Unusual stranger maybe it?s just his naturally hug-able vibe or the calm way he doesn?t run in absolute terror of a creepy smex-cuddle from aisaka but the cute is always lurking. Also I give much thanks to Unusual because he stopped the second yuri orgy before it got out of control, thank you.
Eww the evils of the bacon cookie were brought about from an attempt to capture a certain moogle with a net and this monstrosity became sway out of hand when plans for constructing a giant one had begun. This worse than all the evils of the world idea, would have spawned something that would make the death star look like a nerf gun without any spongy bullet things.
Some may at this point question the integrity of the building that this has all took place in; With people/objects being thrown through walls, frequent bombings and all manner of BAM, CRASH and POW. The original building up two this point has been completely rebuilt twice and has had more repairs than Joan Rivers face (Too harsh?) But the bed and the window (though the height of the window has changed a number of times) have remained as indestructible as the aforementioned celebrities face. Also upon finding that the lower floor was filled with lobsters a quick Firega from zero let there be om, nom and in some cases more nom with a glass of château Romani.
Chapter 8 ? BLAMO!
Due to placing of c4 in and around the threads uppermost floor a small explosion had temporally relocated the top half of the building making the rest of the building much like rubble and dust. The bed though on the other hand just fell through the floor down to the lower levels and conveniently shook all the uneaten bacon and cookie crumbs from the sheets.
Exorcise this! Became this chroniclers favourite come on/ pun of all time when Zero?s pants became possessed by a demon which in an failed exorcising attempt by scde2 caught on fire and proving that all problems can be overcome by fire. (Asturiel the god of pants was not related to the pants accident)
After the building was finally destroyed for good (Just after a hole in the wall new window was put in by one of Shock?s missiles) A new building was needed. So with the unstoppable power of Amish building, a fabulous barn was built, Window on a cliff edge and all.
Maybe it was the fresh barn air or something darker, but poisonings were on an increase and drinking caused more collapses than a recently washed floor at an old people?s home (Too mean? How about more slips than someone with a weak bladder in a Dept of Motor Vehicles line) It also turns out when the old building was destroyed Zero was still inside........Someone should send him a fruit basket or something.
The barn, as nice as it was, was starting to get a bit draft-y what with all the holes and cracks so a tower of power was planned and a tower of flower power was built (Another prime example of all our great building skills).
Chapter 9 ? So the postal service uses missiles to deliver now
A new coffee machine was bought to put an end to the spate of poisonings and instead of a nice calm normal delivery option a missile containing our new machine was fired into the tower causing a lot of damage and at least one re-spawning. Also amid the yelling at the postal service?s new system a mild psychology war was taking place with Unusual, Scde and Dr.susse all throwing big fancy sounding words to and fro with no real point or discernable subject.
The argument tank (Bought from an eccentric man or woman over ebay for a picture of the queen and the legal right to dance in an embarrassing manner, only if he receives written permission which is to be approved and then re-approved by a justice of the peace.) Was bought and never used, a waste really because of the pain it was to acquire. It is a larger pain that just after it was bought and delivered the thread began its first plans for total world domination.
Speaking of that, the plan was simple ?Take over the world using a large battalion of tanks driven by zombies who would be bought from Zero for some Reeses eggs.? Since Reeses eggs are a little pricy a bag of skittles was a fair trade. But our one weakness Coffee and bacon distracted the plot and was so tasty!
Chapter 10 ? Severed heads give the room a nice ambiance
Some one set up us the bomb! Kit set up us the bomb in fact destroying the tower with an atomic blast and frying some very confused daffodils. But thanks to strangers planning, a replica of the very first house was ready to let the thread come full circle and make everything I just typed seem redundant............
Son of a...........*Walks off to re-evaluate life*
Rocket propelled chainsaw sentry guns with a transformer 2 DVD attachment! The most deadly sentry gun in today?s market (sorry tharwen second most) and is also the musing of Alpha, shock and stranger, hopefully the people who met their deaths at the hands of these killing machines had a quick and painless final minute......But I highly doubt that. It is also planned to incorporate Irish coffee and mini nukes into the final design.
Chapter 11- I should update the chronicle more I?m falling behind.
In this chapter Scde made comment that he would never join the pub club and we know how that turned out Mr. ?The ArchdEMOn of FG?
And nothing says Chapter 11 like a good old fashion smiting from Alpha, after many skulls for the skull throne we all are just happy to keep our heads on our shoulders. But the smiting of Morgan freeman went a little too far for this chroniclers tastes but thankfully due to the honey sweet ear love of his voice he continues to act with headless distinction
After negating a fire god?s undying wrath with a cup of Earl Grey and some light conversation I have finally decided that the thread is off the rails...... Yep it?s on the highway now, heading
Straight to the underwater lair Stranger was so nice to have built (Just how much money does he have?) so BOOM goes the castle and hello hello new lair. This wonderful lair had an inbuilt mini map that let this Boozy chronicler know where the booze was YES!
With Save points with the magic of the White mage.......... hey I just realised the lair before the underwater one was never destroyed. Hmm *Looks outside* Yep there it is strange. Whoops no one has been feeding the catgirls..........*Pauses for a minute of silence........Eats Echo herb*
Chapter 12- Anyone for fish?
With all the nukes tested and more ?testing? required a certain who in who-ville provided us with ever so lovely rhyming uranium. These nukes have a short shelf life so shock went overboard to make sure all were thoroughly detonated tested on various thread inhabitants(including Alpha who ate one, Ouch).
Starting off as an innocent plan to pit people against mechanical bears and laser panthers for profit, the arena of death was started (More commonly known as the O?Donnell incident) The future was looking Rosie (I can?t believe I used that pun) also my eyes dear god my eyes, It?s enough to make you go //_o.
OT: The arena of death had a being that escapes death. *Shudder* Rosie O?Donnell. Let?s just there was some hideously grotesque fighting and some other stuff that we?ll leave alone (You know the saying let sleeping lovecraftian horrors lye). But sadly it ended in the destruction of the lair and the rushed production of a volcano lair. (Another fine product from Unusual Stranger industries)
To keep the liar?s funds up some plans had too be hatched from some very confused chickens, we had a few choices
1) Blackmail Shock with a rather disturbing picture.
2) Destroy Neptune
3) Take over a country.
The thread decided on choice 3 and Canada was the target. The method was to slowly make Shock their leader and hope they didn?t notice and so far they haven?t and we would be very rich if we didn?t keep buying such silly things.
Chapter 13- This thread is harder to kill than Scde
The walls needed painting and Lelouch had a some buckets of blood so we got painting and as a result we got a feature article about us in the lair section of Better Homes & Gardens.
*Strums guitar* you feel that man? That?s change!
Bah those hippies are back I need a quick break but for you reading it will just seem out of place.
...
Ok I got some tea and some pizza let?s do this!
The 650th page marked the signing of the world ownership pact which would see Scde, Shock, Unusual and Alpha the true rulers of the world and it?s been nothing but good times since. /lies
And finally the great flying fortress was completed launching terror into the hearts of the world and making a single puppy cry. We needed a big event to launch the opening of this new lair so scde crashed the moon into it and conveniently laid out an area on the moon for a future base.
With some minor repairs on the flying fortress of doom because of a fight between A magical Trevor and a very Mad Mechanic, the thread moved to another new location a Ninja Dojo. Moving there was a good idea because nothing bad ever happened in a Dojo.......*remembers most ninja animes*.........We were fools.
It?s ok though all that happed was a rhyme battle between Dr,susse and cuddly razor climaxing in a ?interesting? emo poem from scde. Ahh what the hell here it is;
Rain, rain, go away,
Because of you the pain will stay.
Slit my throat, cut out my heart,
Leave me here, tear it apart.
Poison tears stream down my face,
My heart beats at a steady pace
As I try to stand again;
Alone and standing in the rain.
I don't need you anymore...
Is what I think while tears pour.
I hate you like I hate my life;
But love is what cuts like a knife.
Love is death and death is you;
Its pain stains like a black tattoo.
Those memories come back again
And bind me in the ropes of pain.
Crimson blood streams down my head
Like a long, silk ribbon, tied by a thread,
To a platinum bullet, a hole in my skull...
...Now just a memory that's faded and dull.
Chapter 14- The time is the past.
The new fortress had been finished for long enough for the thread to move back in and continue the waking up next to the above avy. But rails aside a time machine bought from Wal-Mart became the perfect chance for some Dinosaur hunting, Roman bashing and some strange and very evil twins. Sadly mine died of liver poisoning and is starting to smell, I should probably throw him away.
Now that we are all immune to poison no under cooked chicken in the world could stop the thread now, but kittens on vacuums are the true terror of all thread-kind.
Also the rails had been a constant looming terror of this thread and Tharwen had tried to force the thread back on topic. Thankfully much like a two year old trying to stop a speeding bus filled with angry bees failed just like that last metaphor. But his attempts were not in vain for one scary page the discussion was completely on topic, this page will be remembered as the monorail incident (Get it One rail.) Chapter #@ -Save file corrupted
After a Ctrl Shift ~ Spawn drinking room, I may or may not have corrupted the save file to which we have only just caught back up on, Dr.susse apologises for any people who were permanently deleted and are tracking and hunting me too exact their revenge. Good luck finding what doesn?t exist *Disappears in a cloud of logic*
The only large side effect of the corruption was a brief forum overflow in which The baseless accusation, Captains log, Loot you drop, the Horatio game and some off topic threads fell into our thread creating much confusion and a few character sheets meaning another strange first for the thread.
Some might be led to think that Scde is the most attacked/killed but a poor bowl of petunias were kill in some of the crossfire between Goremocker and Tharwen. A moments silence should be practiced every 22nd of May for the lost flowers.
Oh dany boy,
The pipes the pipes are calling.......
Chapter 15- Towel Day
[small]A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-bogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough. [/small]
? Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
What does this have to do with the chronicle you ask? Nothing deal with it!
But it could be due to the infinite improbability drive (segway nice) Each time the drive has been taken out MADNESS did ensue, this time Yer man o?er yonder?s arm became a penguin, Books developed a taste for human flesh (I still blame twilight) and I got the greatest thing of all, a Beer Tree.
Something that isn?t the greatest thing of all happens to be another one of ?those? incidents. You the reader can probably guess what type of thing happened from just reading what has happened up to this point. The idea was a good one, Have some of Rainboq?s people to shoot some crows off the Fortress roof for us. How could we have known that they would then turn on the civilians and cause a small riot? I mean it?s not like it was an invasion or even a full scale riot, It was more like a controlled accidental slaughter. And we tried to stop it.........until some squabbling broke out. The point is it?s not our fault they seized control of the east coast. It?s the national guards? for not being prepared to fight heavily armed cat people.
SNOWBALL FIGHT!
Thanks to a worldwide snow storm and some casting of Blizzard we got to have a bawdy snowball fight, this chronicler was especially chuffed because he had never seen snow before and he did the first thing anyone ever does in that situation, dive head first into the snow and spend the rest of the day with a concussion.
And rounding off the chapter Sliverwings caused an explosion that would have destroyed the universe, If it didn?t move to Malibu and do a three episode guest stint on Two and a half men.
Speaking of stints Tharwen managed to find Vanilla ice staring in a guest role in a dessert menu. This chronicler hopes to never see the MC Hammer ice cream flavour because heroes should never be left in the cold...............
Chapter 16 No 200 sounds better
Psychotic foresight, AGDR_ODST and others joined the fray giving the thread a new life and confusing a whole new audience. Turning into a D&D like simulation and other interesting themes that only a thread this truly derailed can ever go. (I mean what other thread has a 5000 word story about how derailed it is?) While the craziness decreased the insanity continued to make Thready what it was. A place for waking up.
It is also impressive that until this point no one had been suspended or banned in this thread a true miracle.
And in a final summery
The thread is a silly place that has and will always end in violence.
[HEADING=3]Thanks to all the people who made this thread a very strange place[/HEADING]
Sevre90210, Lambi, Greyfox, Kitsune, Shock Value, Fury is me(Dispelga), Unusual stranger, Maxieon, Bloody thoughts, Swollen goat, Furburt, Ash pox, MizPiz, Goremoker, mcgroober, Zeromaues, Rainboq, Sleekgiant, Juilainking93, Pararaptor, The Infinite, Scde2, VaudevillianVeteran , kitsunethefox, AgDr_ODST, brtshsel, Anarchemitis, Queen Michael, Sassafrass, Tiny116, Hail fire998, Aby_Z, Wafflesandbacon, Tharwen, Vrex360, Cuddly razor, All hail Lelouch, Knight of some random number, Irridum, Tuddle, DeathChairOfHell, Sex rex, Rexdark, TheNumber1Zero, LeonLethality, oppp7, LordMoose, Sir strange of the house Lycan, Uncreative, Neonbob, Awesome Express, Aisaka, ImSkeletor, Thepostaldude, Random argument man, King kupofried, Lepre-Kahn, [Kira must die], Grinning maniac, TheBOYBgig, abj924, Pandora, Onyx Oblivion, Ottenni, War penguin, Alpha 1089, Scobie, Hazy, S.R.S, Kingteabag, Mad Mechanic, Psychotic foresight,SFJ, not the DM, Mozza444, squidbuddy99
And all those who wondered what the hell they drank last night!
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