I'm off to London, got any tips?

[White-Death]

Learn how to play soccer.

Don't call football soccer or you'll get shanked by a horde of teenagers in Minutes.
Call it football,like a proper citizen of the Great British Empire,long live the king/queen,toodle pip ho etc...

BE sure to check out the British Museum,fuck tonnes of stuff the Brits stole from many lands and too many cultures to count!Thousand of Aboriginal natives died for those treasures!Don't make their deaths in vain!
Also,check out madam Tussuad's Waxworks,and giggle at the Hitler model's silly mustache.

The tube will look like a mess,but take the time to look at the maps and routes.IF you have any of those Smart phone things get a route planner application for the tube or something.
Don't ask about for help on public transport,except the bus driver,because people aren't too kind about transport.
Stay on the right side of the escalator.Walk fast,and strap a machete to your leg.If any shady looking guys ask,you're German,say ''ich bin Deutsch'' or ''ich spreche kein Englisch'' and walk on.

 

[JohnnyFartPant5]

Stay in touristy areas for the most part. Venturing further afield into the surrounding boroughs is likely to get you mugged by some wannabe gangster teenage chavs on BMX's.

Be on the lookout for scams, pickpockets etc. Someone is always out to swindle your money from your good self.

Have fun!

 

[Dags90]

Wrap up warm.

It will probably rain.

Other than the constant, soul crushing rain, London has milder weathers than most of the U.S. Unless he's from the south or something, he's probably seen worse.

 

[Superlative]

Wrap up warm.

It will probably rain.

Other than the constant, soul crushing rain, London has milder weathers than most of the U.S. Unless he's from the south or something, he's probably seen worse.

I'm from the midwest and go to school by the great lakes, so grey skies don't bother me. honestly, i suspect that one of the native american chiefs said some very cruel, sexually explicit, and accurate things about the sun's mother so we rarely see it.

I'm going in march, whats the weather like?

 

[Infernai]

If a bunch of terrorist storm your hotel, point a gun in your face and ask if you're American, remember the phrase "Ich Bin Deutch." It might save your life.

I would also like to add the phrase "Boku wa Nihonjin Desu" also works. Unless you're a female, in which case remember to say "Watashi wa Nihonjin Desu" instead.

Now i know what you're thinking: Infernai, I don't look remotely japanese and I'm not even of an asian ethnicity! In which case....just spout some more japanese stuff or japanese sounding stuff. Most terrorists won't have taken the time to learn the language, and even then half Japanese Europeans that grew up in Japan aren't exactly impossible just uncommon.

Or you can just cut out the middle man and challenge them to a childrens card game or any other sort to distract them until the cops arrive.

 

[AldUK]

I've only been to London a couple of times since I live in the wild and savage North of the country. My advice however would be this; leave the American stereotypes of what they believe Britain to be like in America. They are wildly inaccurate.

And as others have said, don't leave things in your back pockets, don't talk to strangers, if they talk to you, put your head down and move on and always claim to be from Canada.

 

[Ed130 The Vanguard]

Wrap up warm.

It will probably rain.

Other than the constant, soul crushing rain, London has milder weathers than most of the U.S. Unless he's from the south or something, he's probably seen worse.

I'm from the midwest and go to school by the great lakes, so grey skies don't bother me. honestly, i suspect that one of the native american chiefs said some very cruel, sexually explicit, and accurate things about the sun's mother so we rarely see it.

I'm going in march, whats the weather like?

you are hitting the tail end of winter or early spring if I remember correctly.

Now for tips.

Get an Oyster card, those things apply for ALL public transport and it saves a heap of money as well.

People have already suggested the various Museums on offer and I endorse this, but I also recommend you go to the Greenwich observatory (some interesting history about navigation). As well as The Monument to the Great Fire of London, one of those victory pillars but you can go inside and there is a observation platform at the top.

 

[soren7550]

Don't have any dental problems, there isn't a dentist within a three country radius (cookie if you know where I got the line from).

 

[CrimsonBlack]

Go shopping / crowd-dodging on Oxford Street.

There is an amazing, AMAZING restaurant called Fire and Stone (http://www.fireandstone.com/pizza/restaurant/index.asp) in Covent Garden. A bit pricey but they do the world's best pizzas. If I had to choose between sex and one of their pizzas, it'd be their Peking pizza. Now that I live back up north again, it's one of the things I really miss.

Get a map app for getting around the city. If you ever get lost, simply ask where the closest tube station is and you can figure out how to get to where you want to go using that. I'll echo what others have said already - try to avoid the tube during peak times, it is like Dante's inner circle of hell.

Visit parliament if you're into your politics - it's the wellspring of your democracy after all.

Feel free to wander around Covent Garden / Leicester Square / Tottenham Court Road for an afternoon and just browse the shops. Denmark Street has loads of music (instrument) shops if you're into that, it's famous for it.

Visit Threadneedle Street to take a gander at the Bank of England.

Visit Buckingham Palace for the Changing of the Guard (thinking about that makes me think of A.A. Milne's poem Buckingham Palace (http://www.dltk-kids.com/world/england/mmilne-buckinghampalace.htm). Childhood favourite. Remember it's pronounced "Buckingum" Palace - you can ham it up back in the USA.

Take a stroll around Hyde Park and the Serpentine.

Oh, and if you're there on a Sunday, have a traditional roast in a pub somewhere, with a pint.

 

[Angie7F]

have afternoon tea. I mean, real afternoon tea. scones, clotted cream, jam, cucumber sandwiches...

 

[gazumped]

I'm going in march, whats the weather like?

Still kind of rainy but you should get to see a nice day or two unless you're really unlucky.

In general, being such a big city we're pretty accommodating of tourists, particularly in Central London. We get all sorts of weirdos here so the people vary from wild and eccentric to moody and unsociable. If you're going to East London I do suggest that you don't go wandering the back streets at night, I try to avoid it and I was born and bred in East London, but it's particularly a bad idea if you don't know the area. When you look lost you look vulnerable, and that's when someone's likely to approach you and ask 'Whachu got for me, blud?'

Also, although trying to look at and smile at strangers in Central London will probably, at worst, get you an annoyed glance before they shrug you off, in rougher areas like you might find in East London, eye contact with strangers can be interpreted as a threat. I doubt you'll be unlucky enough to get into trouble, but if anyone does start at you for 'looking at them funny' just quickly explain that you're not from around here and you didn't mean any offence and leave. Quite frankly, anyone who has a problem with you for something like that is a giant arsehole, but if they're aggressive that means they expect to win any fight they might get into with you, so it's much safer just to accept blame and get out of there.

For the Love of jiminy, when on the Escalators keep to the right!

This, very much.

Although we're pretty used to tourists, but too many people come here and don't follow the rules of the Underground that us Londoners take as gospel and it makes our blood boil. Pay attention to the signs; stand still on the right of the escalators, or if you want to walk up/down then you can walk on the freed up left side.

Pretty much everywhere on the Underground (the only exception I've seen is at Green Park) the signs tell you to walk on the left, keep it moving on the left if you don't want to raise commuters' stress levels.

Also, although they work on the Overground and rail services, the 'open door' buttons on the Underground (also known as The Tube, by the way) do not work. They did for a while, then they realised they just slow things down so they got disconnected. It's not going to piss people off if you press them in the same way that trying to walk on the right will, but it will make you look like a massive tourist if you're expectantly pressing the button to open the door.

 

[robot slipper]

If anyone asks, you're Canadian.

If a bunch of terrorist storm your hotel, point a gun in your face and ask if you're American, remember the phrase "Ich Bin Deutch." It might save your life.

And try not to embarrass us over there. I mean, it's not like we have a good reputation in other countries but lets try to avoid making it worse, K?

That Canadian thing is clever, I can't deny our mental sirens go off a little when an American shows up but when they say "Oh actually im a Canadian" its like OH so you are like us but with a bigger, even colder country ok pull up a chair. It probably doesn't help most of the Canadians I know are really nice but by chance most of the Americans I met were kinda wankers, not all of them of course its just bad luck.

Anyway good advice.

And if you can stomach it, wear some maple leaf patches on your backpack or clothing, that's what the Canadian tourists do. Everyone's advice about walking quickly and using the ticket barriers correctly is spot-on, there is nothing worse than someone standing and faffing right in front of the ticket barrier.

Don't wander down to the South West. Tooting and Streatham are dumps and you may or may not get mugged or stabbed there. Wimbledon is lovely though and has a great theatre. In Wimbledon there is a lovely place called Cannizaro Park which is gorgeous.

For a short time when I was unemployed I had to go sign on at the Job Centre in Tooting, that was an experience! But you will never end up in Tooting unless you go waaaaay to far on the Northern line (southbound).

 

[Savryc]

Don't engage the locals in conversation, don't make eye contact and for gods sake don't smile at them, they may just stab you, if you're lucky.

The further south you go in England the more rude, angry and sour faced the populace gets. London is basically diet Paris in the friendliness score.

 

[Padwolf]

For a short time when I was unemployed I had to go sign on at the Job Centre in Tooting, that was an experience! But you will never end up in Tooting unless you go waaaaay to far on the Northern line (southbound).

Tooting is a horrible place, I lived there for 18 years of my life, it just got worse and worse. Now you can't go to the local park after 4pm or you will get caught up in the gangs that go there and smoke weed, they stab people that go through and there have also been a couple of rape cases there. But yeah, it's easy to avoid thankfully!

 

[Alandoril]

Don't touch anything with your bare flesh on the Underground. They once discovered literally every type of human bodily fluid on surfaces down there.

 

[AnarchistFish]

When on public transport, don't give anyone eye contact and never smile.

Also, if you wanna go round looking at London, I recommend just doing that rather than zipping between all the main tourist attractions. Because London is such a cosmopolitan city there are many things and restaurants from different cultures which I've always found more interesting than the London eye, Big Ben etc. Although the museums are pretty cool.

Never tell anyone you're an American tourist. Those two words are toxic. Don't tell anyone you're Australian either. Canadian, South African and New Zealander are ok.

Oh and honestly the weather's not that bad in London. Most times I go up there it's pretty sunny.

Forget the British stereotypes too. The British even take the piss out of themselves with them but they're not particularly true, especially in London.

 

[Techno Squidgy]

I'm headed to London with my Uni and I was wondering if there were any tips or tricks i might need, want to do, or generally keep in mind. The trip though my Uni is based on theature so i will be catching a lot of plays.

I'll also be apart of a delegation thats meeting to chat things out between my school and the University of East London so if you go there, i may be dropping by.

So Brits, anything i should know, do or avoid ahead of time?

If you're in the city, shouldn't have too much to worry about, most of the rough stuff is in Greater London rather than the city. But as a general rule, stay with people you know, don't make eye contact with dodgy looking people (you'll know what I mean), keep your phone and wallet out of sight. Just common sense really.

 

[Catfood220]

I'm going in march, whats the weather like?

Well considering that its the start of spring and going by the last couple of years, you should get the best weather of the year.

I guess I would say, avoid getting shanked by a pack of teenagers. From what I've gleaned from sensationalist British tabloids, pretty much all teenagers are an immediate danger in the UK.

I'm so glad that I'm not a teenager anymore, it starts off being fun when you start doing it when you turn 13. But by the time you get to 20, stabbing everyone you meet becomes a bit of a chore.

 

[Stabby Joe]

Don't drink the beer there, especially a beer called Fosters.
(http://denisesboringblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/s_fosters-lager.jpg)

Fosters is Australian.