I'm really worried about my friend

[MoNKeyYy]

So my friend is really, really profoundly depressed. She's been in a bad way for apparently 4 years now. There are lots of reasons for her being depressed; she has basically zero self esteem, she hates herself (2 different issues there, if you can believe it) She's hopelessly in love with a guy who's a complete ass and who she used to be really close with but things happened and now he won't even speak to her, her parents are constantly threatening each other with divorce and pull her into it a lot, lots of really fucked up things. But that's not the issue.

I'm getting really concerned not just becasue of her depression but what it's doing to her. She barely sleeps becasue of dreams that she has, not long ago she forced herself to stay awake for more than 72 hours straight, she does these crazy things that are hard to describe, she's started cutting and then in her sleepless crazy stupor she started drawing things in blood. Her life is starting to fall apart more and more and I know for fact that she's been suicidal within the last 6 months and I wouldn't be surprised if she was now. I'm crazy scared and I want to help her but I have no idea how. She won't go to a therapist she won't see a doctor and she insists she isn't harming herself that badly. Like I said I'm crazy scared. How can I help her? Should I? What should I do?

 

[BrassButtons]

She won't go to a therapist she won't see a doctor and she insists she isn't harming herself that badly.

What about calling a hotline, or talking to people online (either a support group, or a site where she can talk to professionals anonymously)? Any of these would be a step in the right direction, and none are as scary as going to a doctor or therapist. The sticky thread in this forum has several hotlines and websites for suicide prevention/crisis support. There are also online support groups for depression and self-injury. If she is able to talk to someone, even a non-professional, she might not feel isolated and over time the idea of getting help might seem less frightening (especially since many people in those support groups are in therapy themselves, and can demystify it).

How can I help her? Should I? What should I do?

Giving her some of the resources mentioned above would be a big help, I think. Simply being there to listen to her vent her feelings can be helpful as well.

However, you CANNOT fix her. You cannot get rid of her depression, you cannot stop her from self-harming, you cannot force her into treatment, and you cannot prevent her from committing suicide if she really wants to do it. The road she's on is going to be hell, no matter which way she goes. You can't change that. At best, you can make things a little less shitty. That doesn't mean it's useless for you to try and help--sometimes making things "a little less shitty" is enough to convince a person to put the razor down, at least for now.

You might want to talk to a therapist/counselor yourself. Both to ask for advice on how you can help your friend, and to make sure you aren't putting yourself in a situation you can't handle.

 

[smurf_you]

Be careful that you do not become an enabler of destructive behavior here. A lot of these things you describe sound like someone crying out for attention. My experience with people who cut themselves is that they do it to manipulate people, to guilt people into giving them the care and attention they want but don't know how to get.

I'm sorry, I'm just going to jump in here for a second, I used to cut myself (when I was 9 btw) because I had been molested 3 years previous, and I never told anyone about it (except for you know.... just now) not everyone who cuts is looking for sympathy or attention, I did it in a place that no one could see, and kept it to myself, and I REALLY dislike when I (unintentionally or not) get painted with the same brush of people that cut themselves up and go around school flailing their bleeding arm around looking for attention. (/rant) I really am sorry to single you out like that but it makes my blood boil every time I read that and I always feel the need to comment.

OT: Honestly the best thing might be to tell someone of authority... she may have some issues with you doing that, but I had some of the same issues with a friend of mine, and while she was mad at me at first she's much better now.... keep in mind that it doesn't work for everyone of course... but its an idea anyway. Barring that, BrassButtons seems to have given a fairly good idea himself, not to mention the guy I quoted of course, even if I did just get all up in his face just now.

 

[smurf_you]

I wasn't attempting to paint all people who perform self-harm with the same brush, and I apologize for wording my post in a way that it could be read as such. I was genuinely speaking about my own experience, which includes one person who outright told me that he used his cutting to guilt people into treating him better and to "punish" people who had done things he didn't like by intentionally making it appear as though he had attempted suicide as a result of their behavior.

I do stand by the general thrust of my advise though, that anyone who is dealing with someone who engages in self-destructive behavior should be careful not to enable that behavior. I accept your complaint though and apologize for not being clearer in my post.

Thank you for taking that as well as you did, I really do apologize for jumping down your throat there, but I do understand what you were trying to get across (now that I've calmed down) and yeah I have also met a person who said the same thing.... its sad really... but I have met more who do it (or did) just because they feel they have to (however, you always only hear the loudest and craziest in a specific group right?) Anyway enough of my hungered ramblings, I tend to get preachy and weird when I have an empty stomach ^_^

 

[SmartIdiot]

It's not always easy to persuade someone to get help. It's the age old cliche of "you can't help someone until they want to help themselves". That's not to say you should give up though. Allow me to explain.

Last month I tried to kill myself. I was alone in my flat at around 2 in the morning, finishing off a note I had been writing for weeks. Once finished I took an overdose of painkillers and sleeping pills with a lot of alcohol. As it happens a close friend of mine called the police when I wouldn't answer my calls. They broke in, found me and took me to hospital. The next think I know I'm coming to with a drip in my arm, blood all over it and on my shirt. It's really not a nice feeling. My brother took care of me for the next 2 days before taking me up to my parents.

I accepted that I failed but was still in some shock as even then I STILL couldn't register that anything was wrong with me. In my mind it was just another thing and I was planning on going back to work after a few days. It would take 3 weeks before I acknowledged that I needed help, before I could even see that anything was wrong. In the weeks leading up to, my friend(the same one) had repeatedly told me to go to the doctor and at least sign off work through stress for a couple of weeks. She could see I was self-destructing and tried to help but I just wouldn't take her advice. Or my brothers, or my sisters.

The last few weeks have been difficult as I genuinely had no intention of being here or dealing with the consequences, let alone everything else. I'm still not back to work and am unlikely to be for a while. However, I have chosen life this time. So I have accepted help. I'm not out of the woods yet but I'm trying to find my way.

Don't give up on your friend. Be careful not to get caught up in their depression but don't give up. If she knows there is someone who will support her she may one day decide to get help. Let her know that you care and will be there to listen when she needs to vent, keep in regular touch but don't smother her. You mentioned she has poor self esteem and this could make it worse. I know I took it very personally when someone even suggested 'doctor' to me.

In the mean time try and encourage her to distract herself, find something, maybe a shared activity that the two of you can do. If she's occupied she may be more relaxed and willing to talk to you, or at least take her mind off the issues at hand for a while. Try and spend more time with her and build up some trust between the two of you, she may be more willing to take your advice on board in the end. Good luck.