I'm so lonely and I don't know how to deal with it.

[Sutter Cane]

It seems like more and more often I am afflicted with crippling bouts of loneliness. It almost seems to happen at least once a day now. I don't know how to deal with it. Also as a note this ins't about me not having friends or anything. I have several close friends. This is more about the feeling that I'll never find that special someone, or hell even someone willing to date me. It stings even more because I actually am pretty damn good looking, and even with that advantage, I still can't find anyone who is interested in me.

I've had numerous people try to cheer me up by reminding me that i'm still very young (I'm only 20 at the moment) but that gives me little solace as an abstract idea of some hypothetical future seems so distant at the moment, and I'm feeling this pain now. I have no idea how to deal with this on an more immediate or even day to day basis, because the feeling gets really overwhelming. Spending a bit of time with my friends can relive the feeling a bit, but as soon as they leave, it comes surging back. How do I deal with this loneliness? How do I make it disappear?

Please, any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[IrradiatedFish]

Hello there. I similarly have problems with loneliness at the moment, however it seems my reasons are fairly different. That said, from what you described, I feel that I have dealt with that same sort of inexplicable loneliness in the past. Just a disclaimer before I say any more, but I'm perhaps not the best person to take advice from considering that I am too a rather lonely person at the moment. That said, I thought maybe you would appreciate the insight from someone with a similar situation, and at the very least perhaps it would make us both feel a bit less lonely .

Anyway, I could be wrong here, and I'm just going off of the small amount of information you provided, but you seemed to quickly zero in on the idea that you're without a special someone. I can relate. I'm a bit older than you (well, only marginally) and I've never had a girlfriend in this short life either. Still boggles my mind when I see people who seem to have managed to become so close together and they're several years younger than me; yet I've failed to attract even one person.

I think my best advice is to not get discouraged, and I know that in itself can be a fight. For me, I think persistence has been my best asset. I'm stubborn as a mule, and I refuse to quit. Refuse to let the idea - of being without someone - take over. Try to focus on the present. Try to think about what you can be doing right there, right in that instant. Try to do something that could help improve your quality of life; maybe find something to do that could give you a leg up on your career/education. Or perhaps think about things that make you happy, or do something that you know you can enjoy doing on your own. I know that's all easier said than done, because I've been there first hand too.

These are the sort of strategies I use, because it allows me to focus on me, and not on "me being lonely". In a sense it makes me too busy to be lonely. Maybe it's not a long term solution, but I think it's best to take things in strides, because I know if I try looking at the big picture, and I try to find an all-encompassing solution, I just get overwhelmed and frustrated with myself. Everyone's different though, and different people react differently to different activities; so I'm not saying to just do what I do, because we all need to figure out what works best for ourselves. I hope that maybe I've given you an idea where to start though !

Also, if you don't already, find a good friend you feel comfortable talking to. I haven't really had anyone in a while myself, but I remember that it was always a relief to be able to share with someone close. So that's always an option too!

I fear there's no rock hard answer to make the unpleasant nature of your problem disappear, but hey, if you need someone to talk to, I'm all ears. Because of my current progress with my education/career I'm commonly at a computer, and while I can be busy at times, if you've got anything urgent to say, I'll be sure you reply to you as soon as possible. I'm looking for friends anyway, so if you need another one, I'm available.

Anyhow, I'm not sure if any of this has been good advice, but maybe if you send me a reply and perhaps elaborate more, maybe I could try to be a bit more specific too! I'm happy to help, or at the least TRY to help, and I'm fine with being a source for venting. Either way, take care, and I hope you manage to push that loneliness away!

 

[Leighcakes]

Have you tried searching for companionship online? Humm, yes, it may sound a little 'sad' or 'cliche', take your pick, but it really does work. I've met some of the most amazing people via forums and games (WoW, mainly), people I've been friends with for many years now and hang out with IRL, too. I'm really quite shy when it comes to being in big groups, at college or work mainly, so it really helped me to find people with similar interests. ^^

I would listen to your friends, though. You are only young and you've got as long as you need to find this 'special someone'. For some it comes in teenage years, for others later in life. Just take everything as it comes and I promise one day things will all fall in to place.

I agree with everything GoldenEyes said. Just think about the here and now and, likewise, send a PM or whatever if you need someone to rant to!

 

[Sutter Cane]

You say you are good looking, which is a plus. Have you asked anyone out recently, or do you have any experiences to go off of? If this is simply a case of being turned down a lot, then that is something only you can change. Your feelings may be steering you towards people who are already taken, aren't looking or some other reason. It can be a lot of things. If you can, explain what you've been doing so far.

Its a little bit of everything in that paragraph really. A good portion of the time that I find myself interested in someone I later find out they're already taken. Then there are the people I've been interested in that i just sort of figure out through body language, social cues and the like that they have no interest in me in that way, and on top of that i've just recieved quite a few straight out rejections as well.

I mean once I become interested in someone and before i just ask them out i try to indicate my interest in subtle ways to gauge their reaction. If i'm not getting any sort of positive reaction after a while I tend to figure that she's probably not all that interested in me, and so I don't bother. If I feel that i am getting a positive reaction or if I'm unsure then i'll tray asking her out.

Changing how you feel is definitely the harder of the two, but it would be better for you overall. Ask yourself questions. Why don't I want to feel this way? Because it hurts? Is there a deeper reason? A fear? Identifying why you don't want to feel this way, and accept it is what I would do first and foremost. It's not something that someone else can really help you with, as the change needs to come from yourself, for yourself with a drive or reason you genuinely believe in. My advice is focus on friends, school, work while at the same time, applying a mindset to yourself each day that you don't want to be like this. You don't want to feel this pain. I would focus on that notion, each day and really push yourself to care less about finding someone, to where the pain isn't overtaking you. You ideally want to reach a point where you still want someone, but not to where it hurts. You can further reinforce that by thinking of things this way: if you do find someone, you don't want a core reason for being with them to be because it alleviates your pain. Use as many positive reasons to push back the negative feelings that hurt you, each day. Just try your best, & don't give up.

Well part of it is because the loneliness hurts, and also because I see all these people around me and close to me in all of these happy relationships (including someone who was having similar problems as I am), and i remember how nice it felt for the very brief time that I was dating someone. I feel that with my continued lack of success in being able to find someone willing to date me, that I may not find that special person as well, and you know on top of that the loneliness itself hurts pretty bad.

Another thing I highly recommend is venting your feelings out somehow. Find an outlet to do this, so that they aren't as powerful or harmful to you. Write them down, explain them to a friend, play some games or just vent it out here if that will help you get them off your chest. Even if it's momentary, it can still have a big difference on your day.

I really hope this helps!

I try to do that, but it just gets a bit much sometimes and i end up making a complete fool of myself. writing and telling people about it helps a little bit, but I fear that my excessive amount of moapiness is going to drive people away and isolate me further.

 

[Sutter Cane]

It doesn't sound like you are doing anything inherently wrong then. It could just be the people you end up choosing. In that instance, I say keep trying. Though, sometimes people notice you more when you are not looking or aren't in a huge rush to get with someone. This may sound like what others have told you, but if I may be upfront...you are young. Quite a few People around your age, in my experience aren't looking for their happily ever after. I know I wasn't. Would I mind a companion? Not at all. But I wasn't trying to find the one. The reason is, I'm still young. I should focus on my life, I thought, rather then finding someone out there among the billions. A lot of young people just want to have fun too. Friends with benefits, casual dating, or just staying single. There are people who feel the same way you do as well, but I'm thinking they might be a minority.

I can see why that would hurt, but whose to say you "wont find her at all?"? How can you know what's to come next year, or two years from now? 5 years? Next month? Your efforts today will be the past by tomorrow. Basically, you don't know what's going to happen. Try to think of it logically like that. It might help you overpower how you feel, or manage it a bit better. Things change so fast. You can't be sure you will have lack of success for long periods of time. You know?

How do you make a complete fool of yourself, if I may ask? If you have that fear, then try to find someone with high tolerance. Should you desire not to put anyone in that position, I recommend ways to get the feelings off of your chest that don't involve other people. Writing is a good start, but it looks like you will need more!

If you can't think of anything, I have an idea.

I guess i feel like I make a fool of myself because I end up in those sorts of moods more frequently than I'd like and so i feel like I'm coming off as someone far too absorbed in his own problems and who can't seem to get past the "oh woe is me" attitude and just have fun. I feel like i'm making myself come off as weak willed in a sense. I tend to go to other people with these sorts of problems (whether in writing or in person) since just writing or thinking about it to myself just kind of makes the thoughts and worries continuously bounce around my head which doesn't really help. Also I'll do my best to think logically, although its going to take some work.


I also would definitely like to hear the idea you had.