Inter-class dating (college/uni)

[osiris80]

It's generally a bad idea, and I don't know if I'm requesting advice, or if I'm just telling a story, but I want to put this in writing.

I started at a local college recently, a class of about 25, in one of the subjects we were assigned to a groups of people, I was put into a group of two with a woman (we're both in our early 20s I'm slightly older). We worked together well, for several weeks, developed a nice rapport, and I wasn't completely wowed by her initially, but slowly as I got to know her better, I became infatuated with her, I wish it were more physical than emotional, but I think it was more the latter.

I decided not to say anything while we were working together, seemed like a good idea, didn't want her to feel uncomfortable and be forced to work with me, so I thought, just wait til we're finished, then, try and mention it casually somehow, ask her out. I tried a couple of times, mentioning a movie I wanted to see, and she shot the movie choice down twice 'naaahh, don't want to see that' (I stupidly, twice, said a movie before bringing the proposed idea forward, I mean once yeah, but twice? Completely my fauly). And since we weren't working together anymore, we didn't have any reason to hang out necessarily, so we started drifting apart a little bit(worked for 7-8 weeks, rest of the time was 5-6 weeks), and I didn't want to show my hand, so I, again really stupidly, kept my distance from her, just a little bit, idk, not sitting next to her necessarily in class, chatting with other people, etc. And this thing started eating at me, I thought it might go away after a while, but it didn't, so I decided yep, just somehow mention this to her, she'll probably say no, but you'll have closure, not knowing what she was thinking was probably the worst thing.

And the other day, I was talking with another friend of mine and I confided my feelings about her, and they mentioned that she (my crush, whatever) spoken to other people, suggesting she suspected that I had feelings for her, but that she wasn't crazy about me.

So I guess I avoided making her feeling uncomfortable for my own personal closure, which is good, shes doesn't know 100% because no one she's talked to has told her that I do/did have feelings for her, and I haven't done anything overly obvious either, and here I am, I suppose nearly as crushed, but not embarrased, I think? Very weird situation, if I had instead heard that she was crazy about me, I probably would've been over the moon in joy, but right now I'm not as sad as I predicted I would be, but still disappointed, maybe a little confused as to why, guess I'm just not her type, she probably just wants to be friends, as we did get along really well.

I think I'm on some sort of fake rebound, if that makes any sense, I just want to move on really quickly and/or deal with this (if that isn't in contradition), don't know how I'm meant to, maybe just find someone else, see normally I meet someone randomly, flirt, ask out, and that's the end of it, they either say yes or no, and we move from there, very nice quick, all condensed into 1 night, basically just a couple of hours, this time, I knew if she said no I'd be 'stuck' with her in the same class, or even if she did say yes (to a date), if it didn't work out before the course finished, it might be even worse.

So there you are folks, don't know what this is, I'm fairly sad, I suppose I'm looking for a way to move on, obviously unless this friend who told me is lying (they have no motivation to do so as I see it), then I'm sort of where I was before, except how I feel now I don't think unless she threw herself at me that I'd be interested, its a messed up situation really - so try not to get yourselves in something similar. this time,

EDIT: there may be some repeated stuff, TE editor freaked out on me and pasted itself in here twice or something, think I got it all.

 

[Simalacrum]

Yeah, I think this is a classic case of 'have a crush, can't really do much about it' unfortunately.

Don't let yourself get too worked up about it. I think the best option would be to back up, and let yourself cool down. Frienzone her, as it were, and search elsewhere. Which is a perfectly fine option, not every crush on a girl results in a romantic relationship after all, thats merely a fact of life.

In your situation I would try and be content with being friends with her. Remain social with her but also don't forget to give yourself some timeout, avoid thinking about her 24/7, as I certainly have had happen to me on some occasions; its not a healthy thing to do, believe me.

Once (or if) you're feelings for her on a romantic level cool down, try hanging out with her on a social level if you feel like you're up for it: invite her to join you with a group of friends, etc. While a romantic relationship does seem unlikely, it could be that you can still gain a very good friendship from this whole thing.

 

[NinjaSniperAssassin]

I was in a similar situation to you over the summer, and I found the best thing to do is sever all contact. I realize this is gonna be a lot tougher for you than it was for me because you're in class together, but that's honestly the only way I could get past it. If you don't have to work with her any more, delete her number, remove her from facebook, do as much as you have to in order to make sure you don't start thinking about her.

Another thing that I found helpful was to focus on her downsides if she pops into your head. Even if you can't think of anything, try and make something up. Tell yourself she's not your type, or imagine she's got some giant, jealous ex or something. The trick is to make her seem less appealing.

Finally, try and get close to some other women. I don't mean you have to get a girlfriend, just find another gal to chat with/text/etc., so if you need to hear something from a female perspective you don't have to resort to this girl you like.

Like Simalacrum said, you might still have a rewarding friendship in store eventually. Unfortunately, the only way that'll happen is if you're completely over her when you hang out, and the best way to get to that point (in my experience) is to (temporarily or not) remove her as completely as possible from your life. Good luck dude! It's rough, I know, but it gets better!

 

[Smooth Operator]

People we like do not always like us, it is a fact of life that can not be avoided.
Obviously the "Why?" always lingers but there really is no satisfying answer, everyone just doesn't fit together, you can only accept the past for what it is and move into the future.

Getting over it mostly is a question of time, but moving onto greater riches(finding new people to meet/date) will help you a good deal on the way, the worst thing we tend to trap ourselves in is self doubt and isolation... but you are no worse off then you were before, just richer in experience.
Also try not to poke the wound as long as it's a touchy area, if at all possible stay away from her and remove any "status" update thingy you might have of hers, sounds extreme but curiosity is in our nature and we will poke into things even if they hurt.

And in case you were wondering it is always better to not spill your beans, one must remember that the goal in dating is to attract people not to pin them down with the burden of your emotions because then they only desire to run away.