Is it wrong to not want children?

[Omikron009]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids. They're irritating, a financial burden, stupid, and a LOT OF WORK. I'm not planning on having kids for these reasons, and because if they ended up defective (yes, really) I would be unable to love them.

 

[solidstatemind]

I find myself asking this question alot because despite everything and everyone around me pointing to the fact that I should want children, I really don't.

I am now 30 years old and have been single(happily) for a couple of years now. I really only have ever had one relationship where it got to the point of talking about children but now in hindsight I am very thankful that my now ex-girlfriend did not become the mother of a child of mine. All my mates, except a couple have kids as does my younger brother, so I have a nephew at least. I look at their kids and used to feel like I was missing out but in the last year or so I have come to the realisation that I don't want them.

I myself am a natural worrier. I worry about everything and could only imagine how I would be as a parent...I have 5 cats (2 burmese, a siamese, a tonkinese and a tortishell persian)and they are honestly my family. This will seem weird to non animal lovers or people that don't have pets, but I love them like I would any other member of my family. I know how much I worry about my cats constantly, so again I could imagine the nervous wreck I would be when it comes to kids.

There is also the really bad side to having children and I have seen it, not in my immediate family, as in my Mum n Dad but I have seen 3 of my Dads 4 brothers get taken through the ringer when they got divorced and then often had to just sit back while their ex-wives took off with most of what they owned and the kids. Then have to try and accept another man spending more time with his own kids than he does when the wife "moves on". I also have a mate right now, whose wife took off to Finland with his two kids. He hasn't seen them for 6 months. I just know from the bond I have with my cats, that the bond with a child must be something especially strong and can't begin to imagine the heartache and expense these sorts of situations cause. I know these are worst case scenarios but my worrying nature always puts these situations in the back of my mind. I just don't know if I could trust another person with something that important to me.

Don't get me wrong here, I actually love kids. Playing with my mates kids and my little nephew is awesome but I really have no desire to start a family of my own. I know it couldn't happen now as I am single but even in the future I can't see it happening.

Just thought I'd put this out there.

Your attitude is not unusual. I am nine years older than you, and I can tell you that my wife and I only started to consider having children in the past 2 years. (She is 5 years younger than me, however. More on how this is relevant later.)

My advice to you is to just have an open mind. I used to think exactly like you: worried about ending up divorced, how that would "screw up the kid", if anything would happen to my child, or god forbid, we had a child born autistic or with Down's Syndrome... I always thought that would shatter me. But now? I don't know. 'Blood of your blood' (as they say) is a very powerful thing.

From what you posted, I would have to say that you are clearly not in a mental state right now to pursue fatherhood, but just don't think that you have to make a binding decision at this point. That's just goofy. Play safe and take any steps you can to minimize the chance that you might unintentionally end up a parent, but be prepared to re-evaluate when time has passed. Since you are a guy, remember that there is nothing that says you can't be a new father regardless of your age. Women, of course, have an upward limit (~40 years of age) when the potential for complications in pregnancy increases drastically, but hey, if you're a charmer, you may not have to worry about that...

Oh, and do yourself a favor: be careful how much weight you give to the opinions of kids who haven't even completed their education yet. With the occassional exception, you may as well be talking about time travel with them.

 

[ThatPurpleGuy]

^^^ I see what your saying and I haven't completely ruled it out, its just I have found my attitude change of late. I can safely say (for now) that I don't want them, whereas I never would have said that before.

Regarding my "mental state", I would argue that noone is truly ready for a child. I know the friends I have described definitely were not, but have remarkably all stepped up to the plate. Im sure I would do the same if the situation arised.

Also this isn't really about getting advice, just putting it out there. Any decision I make is made by me.

Good reply though

 

[DanDeFool]

I don't want kids. I do like cats.

My sister doesn't want kids. She owns at several cats.

OT doesn't want kids. OT owns several cats.

Pattern? Maybe.

For me, I think the correlation comes into play because I recognize that raising a child (particularly during the early years) would be a monumental effort with so many opportunities for permanently screwing up my offspring that I would be almost paralyzed to act. Kids are a big responsibility.

Cats, though certainly a responsibility, are not as needy. Most of the time, you can leave cats to themselves and they will be just fine. Dogs, by contrast, need a lot of attention, affection, walks, and other care that goes way beyond feeding and cleaning.

I think the paradox here is that OT would probably make an excellent parent, because he would be going into the task with an understanding of just how much responsibility it's going to be. He would probably also seek out help and knowledge to make sure he does a proper job of raising his child, and would be emotionally invested in the outcome.

Well, good job someone out there isn't going out and having kids all willy-nilly. I think that's the root of a lot of society's biggest problems.

 

[Pegghead]

It's okay to not want kids but if you spend your days ranting about how children make you violently ill and that love's NOTHING more than a chemical reaction then it just seems obnoxious.

 

[ray=out]

It's bad to have children if you don't want them, or have a relationship you don't actually care about.

OP, you should feel good about yourself for having thought things through a bit more, if only other people did.

 

[Sneaklemming]

It's not wrong at all. There is simply a societal pressure to have children.

 

[ThatPurpleGuy]

I don't want kids. I do like cats.

My sister doesn't want kids. She owns at several cats.

OT doesn't want kids. OT owns several cats.

Pattern? Maybe.

For me, I think the correlation comes into play because I recognize that raising a child (particularly during the early years) would be a monumental effort with so many opportunities for permanently screwing up my offspring that I would be almost paralyzed to act. Kids are a big responsibility.

Cats, though certainly a responsibility, are not as needy. Most of the time, you can leave cats to themselves and they will be just fine. Dogs, by contrast, need a lot of attention, affection, walks, and other care that goes way beyond feeding and cleaning.

I think the paradox here is that OT would probably make an excellent parent, because he would be going into the task with an understanding of just how much responsibility it's going to be. He would probably also seek out help and knowledge to make sure he does a proper job of raising his child, and would be emotionally invested in the outcome.

Well, good job someone out there isn't going out and having kids all willy-nilly. I think that's the root of a lot of society's biggest problems.

Hmmm thats a very interesting observation regarding the cats. I am just really an animal lover overall but cats I just adore. I love their non-pretentious personalities and love how they don't feel the need to seek human approval. They take the "love me or hate me I don't care" attitude. I also love how they have the ability to hold a grudge. If you mess with them , they remember. I also love how they generally take care of themselves and are clean enough to share a house with.

Thanks for your last comment too. I think I could be a good parent but thats easy to say when I have never done it. It also amazes me how many people out there just have kids without thinking its a HUGE, lifelong responsibility

 

[Netrosis]

I am not one for having children either.

Children are a gigantic responsibility and I myself am just scared of the fact that I am responsible for someone's life. So many expectations are pushed upon children, that if they fail you can often feel like you're the one to blame. Namely being that you feel like a failure of a parent.

Plus, I wouldn't want to share my Plushie collection with them. Fluffy Mudkip is not for throwing or drooling on!

As for the pets (Cats) as a replacement for children...
I am allergic to cats and most dogs and birds.
I'd love ferrets but they are illegal here in QLD, Australia.

 

[wooty]

I dont think its wrong not to want children, I'm in the same boat. I cant stand the little buggers

 

[Black Rabt]

It's fine to not want kids. Do you also not want other folks to have kids?

Of course not man, like I said in my OP, I love kids...I just like to be able to hand them back lol.

Have I come off all bitter and twisted??

No, I actually feel the same.

 

[ElTigreSantiago]

I wish more people would decide not to have children. If the population increases at the same rate it has been in the last 50 years, we're going to run into a lot of BIG problems down the road.

Also, I think everyone knows a person or two that isn't fit to be a parent. You here about them on the news every day.

As my old biology teacher said, there should be an IQ limit on having children. If someone isn't smart enough to take care of them, they shouldn't have them.

But yeah, if you don't want them, don't have them.

 

[Reep]

I see whrere you are coming from and i agree, even though im only 18, ive had quite a lot of experience in raising a child (not mine). My family adopted my 2 little cousins pretty much from birth and they have given us heaven and hell for 4-5 years, essentially putting me off having kids and making me think twice about having them in the future.

If you're happily single and you got worried about having kids then i would take that as an obvious sign. Having kids is very Very different to cats.

 

[Macgyvercas]

Kids aren't for everyone. If you feel you wouldn't be up to the responsibility, it would be unfair to you and your child if you were to have one without being ready. I personally would like kids someday, but I'd settle for an army of clones of me.

 

[Booze Zombie]

If you ever do want kids but otherwise feel you'd be a bad parent, donating genetic material could be for you.
Help start the clone wars, today!

 

[teisjm]

I don't want children either. I'm well aware that theres less impact behind that statement coming form a 21 year old than form a 30 year old. But i can relate to mahny of your points. I'm fine with beeing responsible for myself, and help out my friends be it through advice or econimocally (1 guy has owed be about 1500$ for several years now) but the prospects of having someone else (a child) be totally reliable on you scares teh shit out of me, and i don't liek the thougth of it.
I've thought a lot about it, cause my girlfriend wants children, she's only 20 years old, so i guess i have a few years before it really becomes a problem even though she wants to have them when she's still young. She knows that i don't want any, and this could very well end up beeing the bane of our relationship some day.
I also don't liek the thought of my life beeing changed in the way kids do. I won't have a lot of time to do what i like to do, my focus will move form me, me and my girlfriend, and me and my friends to primarily the child. I odn't want my relationship to become less about me and my girlfriend, and more about a child.
Seeing as i'm studying 3d animation ATM, when i'm done i'll be in a bussiness where it's pretty normal to move aroudn teh world from job to job. I wouldn't like beeing a father who had to leave my kid for half years or more at a time, to get the jobs i dream about having.

Also cat's are fucking awesome, i'd definitely want a cat if it wasn't for the prospect of moving aorund the world for jobs, and the fact that i live in a small appartment not fit for a cat. I miss my old cat who i couldn't bring along when i moved our form my parents house. Luckily i don't live very far from my parents, so i can easily visit them, get good food and see my cat.