Is the question, "Are you gay?" offensive?

[CrimsonBlaze]

So I've been working on this piece about homosexual relationships and have come across a question many times with no definitive answer:

Is asking someone, "Are you gay?" offensive?

Now, I am referring to their sexual orientation and not at all meant to be an insult. It is merely a personal question about someone that I genuinely want to know without sounding like a jerk.

I believe that it is not offensive because it is question about an individual and not at all an insult. It would be no different if I asked someone if they liked knitting, liked some obscure sport that is not popularized in media, wrote poetry, or had a particular profession. I'm not saying that I'm going to go out and ask everyone I see about their sexual orientation. However, there are many openly gay people in the world and many of us are 'familiar' with certain mannerism and behaviors that it often time places that thought into our heads.

Personally, I would want to know if a girl I'm dating is gay so that I would know where this relationship was going (believe me, it would have saved me some time in past incidents).

So, fellow escapists, share your thoughts and please, let's be civil.

 

[Zyst]

I don't think it is offensive. Would you be offended if someone asked you "Are you straight?" Probably not. The only people I can see getting offended by this are insecure males who get asked that and think the question implies you are doubting their masculinity.

 

[Jonluw]

Eh, not really offensive.
It does sort of imply that you have a suspicion the person you ask might be gay, which they might not take nicely.
It's a leading question though. A better one would be "what's your sexual orientation", if only it wasn't so awkward to say.

 

[Something Amyss]

Depends on the context. If you ask it in response to certain behaviour, it's kind of an issue.

If you're merely inquiring about sexuality without such context, not really. Except maybe to heterosexuals who are insecure.

 

[Jodah]

I doubt it would be offensive if they are, in fact, gay. However, if you ask and they turn out to be straight they may take offense.

 

[Lieju]

Yeah, I agree that asking what the person's sexual orientation might be a bit better way to phrase it, but why would it matter?

If you're planning to pursue a relationship with someone, wouldn't it be better to approach it from the personal point of view, as in,
"Do you think we have a chance of having this kind of a relationship"

Since even if you happen to belong to the sex they are generally interested in, doesn't mean they want to start a romance with you.

I wouldn't call it offensive, kinda personal, though. Depends on what kind of a relationship you have with the person.

 

[ComicsAreWeird]

It would not offend me. But as with most things, context (and tone) is everything.

 

[similar.squirrel]

It's nosey. But that depends on the context in which it's asked.

Intonation is another factor. If it's asked derisively, then it could be considered an insult.

 

[Catchy Slogan]

I agree that it depends on the context. If you're genuinely curious, then no, but if you're saying it as if the answer 'Yes' is somehow wrong, then it's definitely offensive.

 

[doodlesmgee]

As a gay male I have to say no, I don't think it's offensive and I don't mind if people ask. The only time I ever mind is if the person is a gay basher or a religious nut-job and they're only asking so they can feel vindicated when they proceed with phase 2. Living in a small town in Idaho makes being a homosexual very difficult and I've had to live my life pretending to be a straight male, and purposely change the way I act and hold myself in public interactions and in the work place. For instance, it's illegal to fire someone for being a homosexual, as we all know. However, it is not illegal to fire them for a mistake they make that you'd normally let slip. It's still tough for gay people, but it's getting better. Mind you there are some gay people that get offended by EVERYTHING you do, but there's straight people like that too. The best advice I can give is to just use common sense. Just walking up to a random stranger and saying hey are you gay, may be a good way to get yourself punched in the face by an effeminate straight man who just happens to enjoy being very tidy and wearing name brand clothing and having a taste for ballet and Broadway plays... then again as a gay male i have a theory that the only thing separating a metro-sexual man from a homosexual man is a six pack of beer and some fuzzy feelings. So I say go ahead and ask folks, while using common sense and a friendly approach, but keep your pepper-spray can close, just in case.

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

It depends entirely on the situation. Meeting someone, and being attracted, and then asking if they're gay to verify that the relationship is possible is fine, for example, but asking at a job interview would be horrible.

 

[Anthan]

I'd say it is.
It's a personal question which shouldn't be asked out of the blue.

If they are then you should wait until they want to say so rather than ask.

 

[DiMono]

I think it depends on the manner in which it's asked. If you ask it in a very straightforward way, such that you're clearly just looking for information, then I don't see it as being offensive at all. If you ask it like it's an accusation of some sort, such that it's clear your intention is pejorative, then yes, that would be offensive.

 

[shrekfan246]

But as with most things, context (and tone) is everything.

This. So very much this. If a person is genuinely interested in the answer, I won't take offense. But if they're acting snide and being generally very derisive I will get angry at them. But at the same time, if a stranger were to walk up to me and just ask that out of the blue, I would probably be a little offended. After all, gay people usually have much better fashion sense and muscle tone than I do.

For me, it's the same as how I was offended by being called a "damn hippie" by someone just because I have long hair. It strikes me as stereotyping with prejudice. Now, if someone I know and am generally friendly with were to ask, I would probably not be offended.

 

[Fiad]

Asking like that may be a bit blunt and it could probably be worded better, but asking in general is not that offensive.

 

[CODE-D]

Depends on the tone, but its definitely rude if blurted out and you dont know the person especially if theyre in the teenage years and theyre all to confused already. May make them gay.....

 

[Joey Wonton]

If being asked "are you gay?" makes you feel insecure about yourself, shouldn't that infer that being asked "are you straight?" makes you feel good about your image? Assuming you are straight.

And would being asked "are you gay?" when you actually were gay, make you feel good or bad?

It's all about what's expected, I think.

 

[LiberalSquirrel]

It would not offend me. But as with most things, context (and tone) is everything.

...Your avatar just blew my mind.

Back to the topic at hand, though. As a straight woman, I wouldn't be offended if someone asked my sexuality/asked if I was gay/ et cetera: I've actually had a couple people ask me if I'm into women, matter of fact. I say no, we move on, end of that. As long as it's meant with no ill intent, I don't see a problem with it. But it can probably be phrased better than a simple "Are you gay?" As someone else mentioned, it's a shame that "What's your sexual orientation?" sounds so clunky.

And, of course, this question should only be posed at an appropriate time/place.

 

[The Almighty Grigard]

I've been asked that several times actually. I don't really mind. It might be because I occasionally drop not-that-subtle hints at parties....

As others have said. Tone and reason is everything.