Is there really a stigma against quiet people?

[Frezzato]

As a sort of introvert I can tell you that people, all of us, need to stop looking at the world in such black & white ways like introvert/extrovert. Granted, by categorizing and mentally (and sometimes physically) sequestering things, we gain an understanding, as well as a (mostly false) sense of control over things. We need to keep things organized to a degree, and that's fine when it comes to inanimate objects like cans of soup or farming equipment, but it's a horrible way to go about thinking about people.

I am an introvert in a way, but that doesn't mean I don't have something to say. And the unfortunate thing about extroverted people is they tend to be remembered mostly when they say something stupid or do something wrong. What I've realized over the years is that there are advantages to both.

If I had to describe myself in a word, that word would be "watcher". I watch people but I also listen and learn. There's no way for me to say this without sounding like I'm 'humblebragging' but I often find myself stuck in a bad situation that requires a solution and I won't step up to lead unless it's absolutely necessary. Most of the time my solution is correct, and most of the time the people I'm helping are incapable of seeing the solution so I have to force them[footnote]Example: How do you move two 500-lb. fire-resistant filing cabinets from a shipping container across a lawn, to a house when you have no equipment? The answer is to use bits of discarded galvanized steel piping and three pieces of plywood. Think Egyptian.[/footnote].

So as a watcher, I often remove myself from the immediacy of situations and frankly, I enjoy the view. But the one thing I miss out on is the connection with people. Humans have evolved as a social species; without cooperation and interaction we would never have gotten to be the dominant force on the planet. We need to talk. We need to interact. And unfortunately sometimes the loudest, most wildly gesticulating person gets the attention and most of the time people will listen and follow.

Like you, OP, I too notice the negative reactions from people. I pick up on subtle cues but it's more than likely because I tend to not have body language. This is definitely not an exaggeration as I also don't have a startle reflex for the most part. These things probably unsettle people at a subconscious level but I've grown to accept it and have lived with it for a great many years now.

 

[Ihateregistering1]

SNIP

People who talk and are outgoing are seen as people who are confident in themselves and happy. For the most part, people want to hang around confident, happy people.

I won't mince words here: your issue doesn't seem to be so much that you're quiet as that you lack confidence. For example, you say that whenever the silence hits (and it will always hit) you feel like they're counting the seconds until you excuse yourself. In other words, in your head, you think they don't really want to be around you anyway. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you think people don't want to be around you, your behavior, intonation, etc. will shift to almost subliminal levels and will drive people away from you.

This is something that people often get wrong about the "just act more confident!" idea. Unless you really do have more confidence and you've internalized it, people see through fake confidence (unless you're a really good actor).

My suggestion (as some others have already said) is to get out more and do some other activities. Gaming is great, but it's not a substitute for talking to people face to face. If you live in a relatively large city, try meetup.com, it's a great way to get practice just interacting with random people, and if you have more hobbies beyond just video games, it gives you a lot more stuff to talk about.

 

[Saetha]

As an extrovert, all I seem to see online are article after article, meme after meme, about how special and wonderful introverts are and how they're so misunderstood. I wouldn't mind that at all except there are a seemingly greater number of memes that portray us extroverts as loud, obnoxious, unthinking, clingy party animals who ruin the lives of introverts and act like bulls in a china shop. Just look at Pinterest: it'll take you less than a minute to find that kind of crap everywhere.

Well... that's probably because introverts really are misunderstood, especially over extroverts. I mean, it's pretty hard to misinterpret someone talking a lot and having a lot of conversation with you - they just want to get to know you and be your friend. On the other hand, it's very easy misinterpret someone talking very little, or keeping to themselves, or leaving the situation very shortly after arriving at it. Some might think they're just quiet, others might think they're rude, arrogant, "weird," or just plain don't like them.

As for a lot of them portraying extroverts as thoughtless - well, yeah, it's often the extroverts who ruin an introvert's solitude, sine other introverts don't tend to be anywhere near as aggressive in their interactions. I like to sit alone with my thoughts a lot, but I have to deal with extroverted people who can't stand silence and have to constantly ask questions or start a conversation. I tend to be very reactionary and quiet in conversations, and I'm always told by extroverted people that I should "talk more" or "stop being so awkward." Don't even get me started on how I apparently ruin parties because I don't look like I'm enjoying myself. It just really starts to get to you.

There's just such a disconnect in how intro- and extroverts interact, what they enjoy and what they hate, that extroverts tend to think that introverts are rude and unfriendly, while introverts tend to think that extroverts are obnoxious and hyperactive.

 

[waj9876]

Loud people dislike quiet people for not being loud like them.

And quiet people dislike loud people for not being quiet like them.

 

[Ten Foot Bunny]

I wouldn't mind that at all except there are a seemingly greater number of memes that portray us extroverts as loud, obnoxious, unthinking, clingy party animals who ruin the lives of introverts and act like bulls in a china shop. Just look at Pinterest: it'll take you less than a minute to find that kind of crap everywhere.

Wait... really?

Man, that's weird. I mean, I'm about as talkative as your average brick and I fucking love extroverted people.

The more they talk and and flail their arms about and be all expressive and shit, the less I have to.

Yeah, really! And you perfectly nailed the point of my post, which was "don't believe all the shit you read on teh interwebz." It's exaggerated crap. I'm about as extroverted as it gets, and yet I have many introvert friends with whom I get along with famously.

This post above me says it a lot better than I did:

As a sort of introvert I can tell you that people, all of us, need to stop looking at the world in such black & white ways like introvert/extrovert. Granted, by categorizing and mentally (and sometimes physically) sequestering things, we gain an understanding, as well as a (mostly false) sense of control over things. We need to keep things organized to a degree, and that's fine when it comes to inanimate objects like cans of soup or farming equipment, but it's a horrible way to go about thinking about people.

 

[Adam Jensen_v1legacy]

The older you get the worse it will be, unless you try to become more sociable and approachable. Older people don't want to make new friends. They get comfortable with their current social circle and then they don't let anyone else in. You need to present yourself as a dependable and helpful person. Listen to what's troubling the people you want to hang around with, help them with their problems and just let them know that you're there for them. Smile, tell a couple of jokes, pay for a few drinks, help them paint their apartment or something etc. They'll warm up to you pretty quickly. You'd be surprised at how easy it is to pretend that you're extroverted. I've been doing it for years. Most of the problems come from the fact that quiet people seem less approachable.

 

[Cowabungaa]

I wouldn't mind that at all except there are a seemingly greater number of memes that portray us extroverts as loud, obnoxious, unthinking, clingy party animals who ruin the lives of introverts and act like bulls in a china shop.

That's because, sadly, a lot of introverts were treated very poorly by extroverts in the past. A lot of those posts are probably made from late-teenagers/early 20's people who were until recently (or are still) very much affected by highschool-type social clique systems. And yes, in that socially and emotionally very intense time being a big introvert is not seen as a positive thing; you're not partaking in what our society sees as the developmental norm.

Hence, those things you're seeing online are mostly venting; personal experiences. They met the wrong people, from their experiences that's how extroverts seem to them. That's of course a little irrational; not every extrovert is an obnoxious douche, obviously. They sadly don't know any better and they're 'blinded' by anger and frustration.

And that's pretty balls for all people involved. Combine that with our modern bite-sized, shout culture, in terms of communication, and you get nasty black-and-white thinking, lots of emotions and little rationality being displayed.

 

[JagermanXcell]

As an extrovert, all I seem to see online are article after article, meme after meme, about how special and wonderful introverts are and how they're so misunderstood. I wouldn't mind that at all except there are a seemingly greater number of memes that portray us extroverts as loud, obnoxious, unthinking, clingy party animals who ruin the lives of introverts and act like bulls in a china shop. Just look at Pinterest: it'll take you less than a minute to find that kind of crap everywhere.

This stuff blows my god damn mind sometimes... I mean yes, I can understand what people have against quiet introverts. They "seem" rude, they "seem" weird. And as an extrovert, maybe there is someone out there that thinks I am "too" friendly, or "too" much fun, like I'm gonna find enjoyment in murder. In the end it's all assumptions that have more to do with first impressions, and less to do with actually sitting down, listening, and most importantly being patient when getting to know your intro/extrovert.

I've been told time and time again to abandon my friend because she has social anxiety. I've been told that she's "rude" or that I'm being "used" and all. But what people don't understand is... well just that: Understanding. It took 6 MONTHS OH GOD 6, but I broke her out of her shell. I acted as normally as I did which then people then thought I was "apparently" being obnoxious, "apparently" being to clingy. Tell that to my current girlfriend... who laughs, and is talkative towards me, and who is willing to meet new people just as long as I am there to boost her confidence.

The moral: It's not about getting an idea of wether or not they're introverts or extroverts, it's about patience and acceptance, slowly finding out what makes them bust out happy.

Spoiler: The internet is wrong, I'm right.

 

[stroopwafel]

This is definitely not an exaggeration as I also don't have a startle reflex for the most part. These things probably unsettle people at a subconscious level but I've grown to accept it and have lived with it for a great many years now.

That's a shame, as social skills is definitely something that can be learned. Like everything, you just need to practice. If you go to a party or any kind of social gathering you will find many to most people are hesitant to 'break the ice', so you're not the only one that's self-conscious.

I think 'introverts' have a tendency to spend more time 'in their head' overanalyzing and overthinking things when they meet someone, instead of just being able to relax with zero expectations. You don't have to be the biggest talker but people need to feel 'at ease' around you and if you're guarded or uneasy, well, there are hundreds of thousands of years of evolution that enable people to pick these signals up very easily. So when you're not at ease, they're not at ease; and the situation becomes awkward.

Have a good time, don't care what others think and try to establish a connection with someone you like. Sometimes meeting new people sucks, but other times it can be really great. It all depends on the people you meet and your own mood. My advice would be to go speeddating. I don't know if you're looking for a date but it's really good for your social skills.

 

[RolandOfGilead]

I'm in a similar boat, though I think I'm more optimistic, and I almost never had anyone approach me ever, I've always had to make the first step generally.
Actually after reading both our posts, perhaps I'm in a boat that's farther away from yours than I thought, but whatever, free advice is worth every penny.

Maybe you do already but some advice: Smile. I used to not, now I do, it works wonders.
Mentally, um, do you see yourself being goal-focused w.r.t. interactions? Try just existing or having fun. If that's hard, all you really have to do is make your goal-achieving a secondary behavior, not your primary motivation. Why? It removes pressure, that's the best thing you can do for yourself, really, is just feel no pressure.
Possibly a terrible example of removing or reversing pressure, but say you're going on a date with a woman, what is your goal? Is it to convince her to have sex with you? No. Your goal is to allow her the chance to convince you to have sex with her.

Back to regarding all social interaction: How do you become friends with a celebrity? You can't, you have to become friends with people. That's something I had to learn. Seeing others as equal produces a great change in perspective and behavior because of the assumptions that one's mind and thus body language make.

meetup.com

Smiling's not a cure all, but it's literally the first hurdle.

 

[RolandOfGilead]

I read up above someone said to be helpful and dependable.
Dependable is always good, and helpful makes for a great friend once the friendship is established, but I've heard, and I think it makes sense, that when you first meet someone, you actually need to ask them a favor and afterwards thank them profusely.
If you're too eager out of the box, they feel that they owe you and nobody likes that. When you owe them though, they have more control.

 

[Mimic]

I don't think there's a stigma per se against quiet people but I do think people sometimes make the assumption that quiet people don't really want to talk. Body language probably comes a lot into this. Someone who isn't comfortable socialising may be unwittingly giving off 'stay away from me' vibes because they're nervous or apprehensive rather than not wanting company. Keeping a conversation going can also be an issue as your mind can be in a fight-or-flight mode and not at its best for having a chat. It's a two way thing though and the other party simply just might not be in a mood for a chat or have things on their mind, and some people are just easier to talk to than others.

It sounds like you're doing the right things - being friendly, speaking things that you are on your mind and so on. Maybe try and be more proactive. Be the one who initiates the conversation more and get people to talk a little about themselves and go from there, maybe invite people to do something with you. Joining some club or activity that you are interested in could be a good way to talk to people as you have already have something in common. Try not to analyse what you are doing too much as well.

It's not easy though. I'm in a very similar predicament too so I wish you luck

 

[Phil the Nervous]

Yeah, actually I believe there is. It's not a big group, but certain kinds of people like having "targets", people who are too shy to complain if they're being picked on. These people are generally social, charismatic and, from time to time, will slip up and show what seems to be a total lack of empathy.

There's two ways to 'cheat' these kinds of people. Easy one is to fake a handicap. They're alot less likely to single you out when it's seen as picking on the cripple*. The other one is to build charisma of your own.

The SANE solution however, is to ignore jackasses and go out to meet people socially, There's Events and Adventures, and special introvert groups where you can practice holding your own end of the conversation (which is an important skill, even if we don't want to do it) and work on a friendly smile. Also, most introverts and extroverts are nice people, just don't push them too hard and don't expect everyone to say hello and smile back each time.


Remember: When people know you're a nice person, that reputation will speak for itself**



*I actually got through high school walking around with a cane
**Maxim 16; "Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth"

 

[Caiphus]

...surely if they were about to steal your shoes they'd be looking at *your* feet?

Stop trying to question the rationality of my irrational fear, Pink Gregory. Last time someone did that, I woke up in a ditch in Sweden covered in honey.

 

[verdant monkai]

It depends on how quiet you are.

If you spend roughly %90 of the time staring at everyone and saying nothing, then yeah people will label you as a weirdo.

I personally don't really like people who are really quiet all of the time, they can make any social situation awkward.

 

[DanielBrown]

I suffered from social phobia/anxiety for many years. Went to therapy and ate pills, but nothing helped and I was stuck in my safe bubble. Eventually, about two years ago, I decided to man up and do something about it since I was sure it was either that or head to an early grave.
I begun going outside a lot more and tried to not get nervous by the tinest social interractions. It helped eventually, but only a little. What really helped me push through was when I finally got a job four months ago. I all of sudden had tons of co-workers whom I had to co-operate and be social with. I also have a shitload of customer contact through that job, so each day there I meet at the very least 18 people I don't know that I have to interract with. I started playing a role when I left the house and practised on them to build my confidence.

Day by day I started noticing I didn't panic whenever I was outside and talking to strangers became easy again. Now I got a new job where I also meet a lot of different people every day and it works really well. I still feel the anxiety creeping at the back of my head, but it doesn't control me as much anymore.

Not sure what you can do about friends since I'm in the same boat. All my close friends abandoned ship after I told them about my social phobia(I was extremely reliant on them for making it through the days, so I kind of understand their decision). The ones I got left are acquaintances I hardly ever meet.

 

[Foolery]

Introverted/Extroverted, whatever. The most important thing is to find others similar to you. Oh, and about that dependable bit someone mentioned. Being willing to help people out is cool, but only continue as such if it's reciprocated. Don't waste time on people who give nothing back.

 

[Ihateregistering1]

Someone mentioned something similar earlier, but I will warn you that the longer you put off trying to do something about any social anxiety you have, the worse it will get. As people get older, they generally become more set in their ways and are less likely to go out to actively meet new people to hang around with, largely because (especially if they've been in the same place for a long time) they will already have a pretty large group of friends and don't really feel a need to find a lot more.

Additionally OP, since you're 32, the other side of the coin that can become a speed bump is that a good chunk of the people you'll meet around your age will be married (or at least engaged) and a lot of them will have kids. Once people get married (and especially once they have kids) their social lives tend to change quite a lot, and even if you meet someone who you get along with great, if they are married and have kids, their priorities socially will generally shift quite a lot and it can be difficult.

 

[Velventian]

I wouldn`t say it´s a stigma but there certainly is a sort of common reaction to "the quite type".

It actually might not be your anxiety but theirs that starts making the conversation uncomfortable.
As someone who counts themselves as rather quite type i had this happen to me to. And often enough i just break through and straight up ask them if there`s an issue or problem and i often get the same answer.

"You seem unapproachable..."

People who are not the quite type tend to get somewhat familiar within the course of a discussion or even just small talk. That doesn`t really happen for the quite ones, so for the more extroverted people it seems like you are holding or building up distance while all you do is behave natural.

And when a discussion turns south and the whole thing starts to feel uncomfortable the natural reaction for a more introverted person is to be even more polite, even more held back and so this turns into a viscous circle.

For me the trick is too think to myself "just don`t give a fuck" get the talk more into a direction or subject i like or i am comfortable with and suddenly i am able to talk more freely and apparently "seem more authentic".

 

[Twintix]

To be completely honest, I haven't really been around enough "introverts" to really tell if there's a stigma (I don't think so, but since I can't speak from experience...), but...

People who are not the quite type tend to get somewhat familiar within the course of a discussion or even just small talk. That doesn`t really happen for the quite ones, so for the more extroverted people it seems like you are holding or building up distance while all you do is behave natural.

I'd say that this is probably correct. People who are used to being able to keep a conversation going might find themselves a bit stumped if the conversation just stops, and some might even think that the quiet person isn't listening or isn't interested (Even if this is not the case). It's very difficult to try and carry on a conversation by yourself.

A tip could be to try to ask the person you're talking to about something. I know that it can be a bit hard, but if they start the conversation, try to find something in their topics to ask about, and maybe that can lead to a topic which you're a bit more familiar with. It might be easier to keep a conversation going of you're on familiar territory.
I would hesitate to call myself introverted, but a bunch of things happened while I was in my early teens which led to me being extremely bad at starting conversations. But I always listen and I try to ask questions, because if there's something I've learned is that some people love to talk about themselves, probably because it's easy to talk about things related to their interests. (Okay, maybe love sounds a bit too self-centered, but I hope that you understand what I mean) My mom told me that apparently some people are the exact same way on job interviews; They talk a lot, but they don't ask a lot. She also said that one thing to make yourself stand out when applying for a job or being at other interviews is to not just answer questions, but ask some questions as well. It makes you seem more keen and interested.

My tip may or may not work, but there's no harm in trying, and I wish you the best of luck with bettering your ability to speak to people.