Is there something wrong with me?

[Kae]

This spoiler tag contains the subject on the thread and the modifications I made as the thread moved along.

Spoiler

Ok guys so here's the deal, I was told about a week ago that my father was diagnosed with cancer but the problem is I don't seem to feel anything about it, I don't feel sad, concerned, angry, upset, confused or even happy about it, I just don't have any feelings towards this situation, I mean it's not like I dislike my father quite the contrary I respect him and I owe a lot to him of course our relationship is not perfect but it is good I guess, we talk every once in a while and I don't recall ever having a fight with him, so I don't think it's resentment, I mean I've been told that I'm very dry and that I am almost like a robot, but it's not like I've never felt sad or angry or something, I mean it's just so odd I should be concerned shouldn't I? I mean he is my father and he is a good person, so I don't understand, where are these feelings I'm supposed to be having? Is there something wrong with me? Why don't I feel anything? Why do I care more about the way I should be feeling about it than the actual situation?
I mean as I aid below I've been in this kind of situation below and in my previous experiences, yes I reacted strangely joking about it and annoying everyone with that but it was because I was scared and that was how I reacted, I don't understand why this time I feel nothing I don't feel the fear or the concern like in the fire when I though my brothers had died, I mean shouldn't I feel somewhat like I felt back then, yeah sure it only lasted like 20 minutes before I found out they were in fact completely fine, not even one scratch but I was freaking scared for those 20 minutes it was literally the worst 20 minutes of my life and I don't even get along with my brothers, I mean we hardly ever talk, my relationship with my father is better I think, so that's why I'm really confused as to why I don't feel anything this time, I know he's not dead but this is bad, I should feel something.
I just realized that there is something wrong with me I completely forgot that my grandmother died around 3 years ago and I didn't even cared, I mean she was the nicest person I knew and I completely forgot I didn't even go to her funeral and I think right now I may be in a small shock due to this realization,I really don't know what to say I must really be an insensitive bastard I mean who forgets about the only person that was important to you that died? She was the only person I cared about that died and I didn't even care that she died, wow I suck.

Hey guys I just want to say thank you with all that you said you guys helped me remember when my grandmother died and that made me remember everything my father went through when it happened, all those different stages, sadness, guilt, nostalgia, etc. and although I still don't feel sad at least now I'm feeling empathy. Now I think the whole issue has maybe not completely sinked in but something is something.
With that said I still think there is something wrong with me, I mean I keep forgetting all the important stuff that ever happened in my life which is rather odd among other things that I do not wish to discuss, but seriously guys THANK YOU I never thought an internet forum could help this much.

 

[Captain Ninja]

there is not much you can do, you cant make yourself feel anything about the situation. Besides different people handle things different ways as they say, so perhaps some feel nothing?

 

[McPulse]

Don't worry, that's shock. You aren't a bad person or anything, your body has just shut down certain chemicals to help you not go insane.

 

[Kae]

I know different people react different ways but when I thought my brothers were dead I felt sad and to try relieve my stress I started making jokes about it even though I was scared, but I felt something I don't understand why I don't feel anything I mean it's been a week and I still feel nothing.

 

[Matt Oliver]

you aren't a terrible person, it most likely is shock i had a similar feeling to when i had my snowmobile accident and I didn't know what to feel, only the fact that i needed to stay alive.

 

[Kae]

you aren't a terrible person, it most likely is shock i had a similar feeling to when i had my snowmobile accident and I didn't know what to feel, only the fact that i needed to stay alive.

Yes but what's odd is that I've been in a fire and an earthquake and in both situations I didn't feel anything about me I didn't feel fear for my life hell I didn't even try to protect myself but I felt very worried about my family, I mean I didn't care what happened to me but I was really concerned about my brothers, and my sister and my parents, I don't understand why this time I feel nothing. It's driving me nuts, I mean I should feel something like I did back then shouldn't I?

 

[Eventidal]

I have the same thing. No reaction isn't really abnormal as far as I can tell. Something happens and you just don't know how you're supposed to react, so you don't.
It's not like I've never felt feelings before but sometimes something happens and I SHOULD react strongly, but I don't understand right away if I should, and how to react. It ends up that I'm too late to react to it and I've already had the time to think it through logically. Honestly, it's not like I'm less prepared or knowledgeable about the situation because of the lack of reaction.

 

[Matt Oliver]

you aren't a terrible person, it most likely is shock i had a similar feeling to when i had my snowmobile accident and I didn't know what to feel, only the fact that i needed to stay alive.

Yes but what's odd is that I've been in a fire and an earthquake and in both situations I didn't feel anything about me I didn't feel fear for my life hell I didn't even try to protect myself but I felt very worried about my family, I mean I didn't care what happened to me but I was really concerned about my brothers, and my sister and my parents, I don't understand why this time I feel nothing. It's driving me nuts, I mean I should feel something like I did back then shouldn't I?

Let it sink in after a while you'll feel something

 

[Callate]

Small story, with your indulgence.

My mother died rather suddenly one summer when I was home from college. Aneurysm. She was seemingly fine one day and dead about thirty-six hours later.

I walked around in a fog for days, uncertain what to do or how to behave. I remember telling my friends what had happened and that I couldn't go to the movies with them, and then calling them back at my father's urging, him saying that no one knows how to act in these situations but there wasn't some particular protocol I was breaking and that I should be around my friends and allow my mind a break from things.

I remember my sister saying I seemed "stoic" at the funeral, reading my portion of the services at the lectern. I didn't feel stoic; I felt almost nothing. A vague kind of sadness, but nothing like I felt I should feel. Nothing, you might say, that it was "dramatically appropriate" to feel, as we're taught by all those movies and plays and television shows.

Several weeks later, we were gathered at the home of friends of our family, sitting around the dining room table, talking, and all at once everyone just felt the wrongness of my mother's absence from that table where they had spent so many nights talking and playing cards. Everyone started crying, sobbing, at once. I clung to my father and he to me as we wept.

I cannot say that things will be the same for you. If my tragedies have taught me one thing, it's this: I will never tell someone in the midst of a tragedy or a crisis "I know how you feel". It's facile and self-congratulatory, and it's wrong. I don't know what experiences you've had with your father; how could I really know what you're feeling or will feel in your situation?

What I can say is this: this is what happened to me, and this is how getting through it, feeling through it, felt. Based on that, I'd suggest you give yourself time and don't start feeling guilt or anxiety about what you do or don't feel. I don't think there's anything wrong with you.

For what it's worth, I wish you well.

 

[SnootyEnglishman]

You may not feel anything right now but give a good week and soon the reality will set in.

 

[Asita]

It's also entirely possible that the situation just hasn't rung a bell with you yet. He's got cancer? We have treatments for cancer. That knowledge might be a contributing factor to your lack of emotional reaction: The situation just doesn't seem dire to you at this point. Of course, not knowing the stats given to you (whether or not the cancer is operable, whether chemo is a viable option, whether it's metastacized, how long he'd last if it can't be cured) I could be completely off-base with that.

Not knowing anything about you it's also possible that a prior death in the family has made you more at peace with the concept of death so you don't react as strongly to it. Or it could simply be grief postponement. And of course there's also the possibility that you're just among that portion of the population that doesn't grieve...which is apparently fairly common.

 

[Cain_Zeros]

you aren't a terrible person, it most likely is shock i had a similar feeling to when i had my snowmobile accident and I didn't know what to feel, only the fact that i needed to stay alive.

Yes but what's odd is that I've been in a fire and an earthquake and in both situations I didn't feel anything about me I didn't feel fear for my life hell I didn't even try to protect myself but I felt very worried about my family, I mean I didn't care what happened to me but I was really concerned about my brothers, and my sister and my parents, I don't understand why this time I feel nothing. It's driving me nuts, I mean I should feel something like I did back then shouldn't I?

Which makes shock and numbness make even more sense. Your family means a great deal to you, and your father has a terrible illness and you can't do anything to help him. Your mind doesn't want to process it.

 

[Kae]

It's also entirely possible that the situation just hasn't rung a bell with you yet. He's got cancer? We have treatments for cancer. That knowledge might be a contributing factor to your lack of emotional reaction: The situation just doesn't seem dire to you at this point. Of course, not knowing the stats given to you (whether or not the cancer is operable, whether chemo is a viable option, whether it's metastacized, how long he'd last if it can't be cured) I could be completely off-base with that.

Not knowing anything about you it's also possible that a prior death in the family has made you more at peace with the concept of death so you don't react as strongly to it. Or it could simply be grief postponement. And of course there's also the possibility that you're just among that portion of the population that doesn't grieve...which is apparently fairly common.

Well I think maybe the first part is possible, I mean the stupid thing is that I don't even remember what kind of cancer it is and they told me, what's odd is that I seem to be giving this absolutely no importance, as for the death in the family I don't know my only dead family members are my my grandfather which died before I was born and an uncle which I barely knew, wait how could I have forgotten my grandmother died 3 years ago and I don't remember feeling anything about that. Wow, I guess it's true I really am an insensitive bastard I really have no feelings I mean she was good to me, she was the nicest person I knew and I didn't even cared that she died, I mean I didn't cry, I never even went to the funeral wow I'm really awful, I mean I even remember when my uncle died and I barely knew him, how could I have forgotten...

 

[Nouw]

Different people react differently to situations. There's nothing wrong with you.

 

[Thaluikhain]

I'd not worry about it.

IMHO, this is at least in part just another thing people have learnt from mass media. Police officers have been killed because the criminal hasn't died immediately after being shot like they do in the movies. People in car crashes have been injured being dragged out in a hurry by people expecting the car to dramatically explode like they do in the movies. People expecting sex to be like what they download from the net...yeah, you can see the problem too.

It also affects the way we are supposed to feel about things. Excessive or exagerated emotions displayed on TV so you can see there is some makes people feel abnormal when they don't feel or react the same way.

 

[Asita]

Well I think maybe the first part is possible, I mean the stupid thing is that I don't even remember what kind of cancer it is and they told me, what's odd is that I seem to be giving this absolutely no importance, as for the death in the family I don't know my only dead family members are my my grandfather which died before I was born and an uncle which I barely knew, wait how could I have forgotten my grandmother died 3 years ago and I don't remember feeling anything about that. Wow, I guess it's true I really am an insensitive bastard I really have no feelings I mean she was good to me, she was the nicest person I knew and I didn't even cared that she died, I mean I didn't cry, I never even went to the funeral wow I'm really awful, I mean I even remember when my uncle died and I barely knew him, how could I have forgotten...

Again: there is apparently a sizable portion of the population who simply doesn't grieve. That is not indicative of poor relationships or coldness, it's simply the way they react.

 

[Kae]

Again: there is apparently a sizable portion of the population who simply doesn't grieve. That is not indicative of poor relationships or coldness, it's simply the way they react.

I guess but I still feel like the biggest asshole in the world for forgetting about her, but thank you, seriously thank you I never thought that I could find out so much about myself by asking random people on the internet, thank you for making me remember her, that's all I can say right now.

 

[Magicmad5511]

Don't worry. The human mind is complicated and sometimes it takes a long time for something to sink in and hit home. You may know that he is ill but maybe you haven't got round to actually accepting it. Its like those moments in TV shows where they suddenly realise they're about to get married or have a baby even though they've known months.

 

[Frozen Donkey Wheel2]

You'll probably have a delayed reaction later. When my dog died a few years ago,(and make no mistake, I loved that dog) I felt nothing. It's not like he was old and I saw it coming either. He was in the prime of his life, he just got sick out of nowhere and died overnight. When I found out, I felt...Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Then, a few months ago, (literally years later) I randomly started thinking about it and finally realized how much I missed him. I even started to cry, probably for the first time in like, 8 years. Again, out of nowhere. It just kind of...hit me.

Anyway. The point is, a reaction like yours isn't necessarily weird. I mean, it's very weird, but it's not abnormal. Besides, the fact that you feel bad about NOT feeling bad proves that you're a perfectly good person.

It's also entirely possible that the situation just hasn't rung a bell with you yet. He's got cancer? We have treatments for cancer. That knowledge might be a contributing factor to your lack of emotional reaction: The situation just doesn't seem dire to you at this point. Of course, not knowing the stats given to you (whether or not the cancer is operable, whether chemo is a viable option, whether it's metastacized, how long he'd last if it can't be cured) I could be completely off-base with that.

Not knowing anything about you it's also possible that a prior death in the family has made you more at peace with the concept of death so you don't react as strongly to it. Or it could simply be grief postponement. And of course there's also the possibility that you're just among that portion of the population that doesn't grieve...which is apparently fairly common.

Wow, your avatar is...perfect.