"Normally I like to start these things with a joke
...that was it"
See, I just pulled that out of my arse. Not too hard.
...that was it"
See, I just pulled that out of my arse. Not too hard.
Is this funny?
- Thread starter Retoru
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Well I got a slight chuckle out of the bit about the parapalegic, but then I again I have a very sick, twisted sense of humor. Your audience might not, so for a first time thing you might want to ease off the dark jokes.
Keep working at it though, you might end up with some pretty good stuff. Just keep in mind, everyone bombs the first time. All the greats did, so did I, and so will you. What sets apart the greats from the rest of us is the will to keep at it even after you bomb the first few times. So if it's really something you want to do, don't give up.
Keep working at it though, you might end up with some pretty good stuff. Just keep in mind, everyone bombs the first time. All the greats did, so did I, and so will you. What sets apart the greats from the rest of us is the will to keep at it even after you bomb the first few times. So if it's really something you want to do, don't give up.
It's not your dry British sense of humor.ThePlasmatizer post=18.72254.753053 said:
Either that, or I watch too much British television.
Depends on the crowd, if you have a lot of the conservative politically correct crowd (they go to these places expecting satan is bad jokes) then your up shit creek without as paddle but if just a regular audience you should be fine.
Also expect hecklers on the paraplegic joke, people might know someone who is a paraplegic and take offense.
Good luck.
Also expect hecklers on the paraplegic joke, people might know someone who is a paraplegic and take offense.
Good luck.
Having done a few stand up amateur open mic nights, I can tell you the best subjects to stay away from are Politics, Religion, Gender and Sex/Sexuality. Swearing doesn't make something funny, try to avoid it if you can. If you can't, only use it to highlight the extremity of a reaction to something.
your best bet is observational humour. That stuff always goes down well, especially when it's things that the audience can relate to, like finding a dead bug in your meal. Expand and exaggerate things from your own life. If you went out on a bender and woke up drunk in your garden, tell them you woke up drunk, naked and with your face painted to match the joker's in the garden of the local copshop.
I'll give you an example of one of my exaggerated stories that always goes down well (i've had 5 drink snorts and 2 athsma attacks from this. I know it won't be quite as funny to read, as delivery is a big part of it.)
A few years ago, I had a fan installed on my ceiling, and the last thing the contractor told me was to make sure I didn't get changed under it. Great advice, if you don't have the short term memory of a wet mop. A few minutes after he left, I got ready for work. First thing I did was throw my hands up in the air to pull on my uniform shirt.
Needless to say....WHAM! I now have a fan blade stuck in the side of my hand. I can't exactly leave it there, so I pull the blade out, which instaly causes massive amounts of pain, and blood starts spurting from the wound. I've got no idea what to do, a bandaid doesn't seem like it will do anything. Then I remember that ice closes cuts.
Here's my advice to all of you: If you give yourself a significant cut, do NOT grab a handful of ice directly out of the tray and slam it on to area. I spent the next 15 minutes running up and down my hallway screaming profanities and spraying blood over the walls.
Cost me a packet to repaint too.
your best bet is observational humour. That stuff always goes down well, especially when it's things that the audience can relate to, like finding a dead bug in your meal. Expand and exaggerate things from your own life. If you went out on a bender and woke up drunk in your garden, tell them you woke up drunk, naked and with your face painted to match the joker's in the garden of the local copshop.
I'll give you an example of one of my exaggerated stories that always goes down well (i've had 5 drink snorts and 2 athsma attacks from this. I know it won't be quite as funny to read, as delivery is a big part of it.)
A few years ago, I had a fan installed on my ceiling, and the last thing the contractor told me was to make sure I didn't get changed under it. Great advice, if you don't have the short term memory of a wet mop. A few minutes after he left, I got ready for work. First thing I did was throw my hands up in the air to pull on my uniform shirt.
Needless to say....WHAM! I now have a fan blade stuck in the side of my hand. I can't exactly leave it there, so I pull the blade out, which instaly causes massive amounts of pain, and blood starts spurting from the wound. I've got no idea what to do, a bandaid doesn't seem like it will do anything. Then I remember that ice closes cuts.
Here's my advice to all of you: If you give yourself a significant cut, do NOT grab a handful of ice directly out of the tray and slam it on to area. I spent the next 15 minutes running up and down my hallway screaming profanities and spraying blood over the walls.
Cost me a packet to repaint too.
This Ivrory agent... is this all he ever does? has anyone seen a post from him which isn't condemning the escapist at large and it's forum goers to a firey death?Ivoryagent post=18.72254.754279 said:
You are a bitter, bitter man sir.
You have my pitty.
In all honesty opening poster guy I didn't find it funny, maybe if a close friend of mine had said it I might have pretended to laugh and shared nervous glances with anyone else nearby who also heard it but didn't want to hurt said friend's feelings, but this is the internet so I'll be blunt, it wasn't funny. Talk about airplane food, that's a goldmine of comedy right there.
Well, a lot of mixed reactions. Like I said, it's all a bit of rough stuff that I've been kicking around in my brain. The real problem, as I see it, is that I know I'm a funny guy, but I have no idea how to translate that into an "act". I can keep people in stitches just by being myself and going off on tangents, but it's very organic and usually prompted by something the person(or persons) I'm talking to has said.
It's a bit tricky to work that into an act since you don't really have a foil there to trigger some tangential rant. Plus, you can't really work out a full routine that just keeps going off on tangents that start with, "So, there I was balls deep in this chick...", ya know?
Since someone suggested it, there's really no way to work the reason why I'm married into things and make it funny. I got married at 23 because I fell in love with a girl, there's nothing really unexpected or provocative about it, it's just your average, everyday thing.
The suggestion to wear a shirt that says "FUCK" on it is a bit funny, but I'd never even manage to get out of the house with that on, and if I did I'd likely be arrested at some point due to living in a redneck slice of heaven.
It's a bit tricky to work that into an act since you don't really have a foil there to trigger some tangential rant. Plus, you can't really work out a full routine that just keeps going off on tangents that start with, "So, there I was balls deep in this chick...", ya know?
Since someone suggested it, there's really no way to work the reason why I'm married into things and make it funny. I got married at 23 because I fell in love with a girl, there's nothing really unexpected or provocative about it, it's just your average, everyday thing.
The suggestion to wear a shirt that says "FUCK" on it is a bit funny, but I'd never even manage to get out of the house with that on, and if I did I'd likely be arrested at some point due to living in a redneck slice of heaven.
im sorry, i think you might have misunderstood what I said. this may or may not have had something to do with the fact that i mistook your icon for someone elses and assumed two of you were the same person, i apologiseRetoru post=18.72254.754797 said:
what i meant is that funny things happen around you, and that's where you should draw your material from as apposed to an overuse of profanity. your tangental mind can be an asset in this respect. if you take a day at work as an example, you can let your tangental mind take you to very funny places
for example, i work in tech support, and i'm amazed how often a reboot fixes our issues. wouldn't it be great to do that with hangovers? you only get hangovers after drinking spirits, ect
Ah, good old T/S. I use to have a job in T/S working for Dell. In case you're wondering, yes...99% of the people who own Dell computers are complete pinheads. Hell, most Dell owners have phantom cats that unplug their AC cords as well. Maybe I could work that up into something funny, though to me it was pretty funny all on its own. Allow me to relate the story, it's been years, but I remember it like it was yesterday.
I get a call while working on the B2B support line for their portable systems, mostly calls from executives regarding their Latitudes and every so often a spouse or offspring of an employee of whatever corporation who got their system as a gift due to the deep discounts Dell offers for certain companies.
Anyway, this day I get call from a guy who is an executive VP of a very large corporation, I won't mention any names, but it's Fortune 500. His Inspiron won't power and I'm trying to determine if it's the AC cord, the battery, or the main board. My gut tells me it's just a dead battery since he's had the system for a relatively short time. The call goes something like this:
Me: Alright, let's go ahead and try to boot up the system.
Him: It won't power on, goddammit! That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Me: Yes, sir, I understand that, but we still have to give it a shot.
Him: Fine, have it your way. Ok, I press the button and nothing happens.
Me: Alright, let's go ahead and make sure the system is plugged in to a wall outlet so it's drawing AC power.
Him: Why?
Me: It's standard procedure, sir. We have to go through things one at a time to either verify function or isolate the cause.
Him: Well, it's plugged in, it has been all day.
Me: Can you just double check the connection at the back of your system and the outlet..just to be sure.
Him: You little bastard! You don't think I know how to plug in a fucking computer? What kind of idiot do you take me for?
Me: (In my mind: The biggest idiot, you bought a Dell) Sir, we just have to double check, I want to verify it's plugged in, then we verify the outlet.
Him: How do we do that?
Me: By plugging something else into it.
Him: The outlet is behind the desk, I'm not going to get down and plug something in just so you can "verify" it. It works, that's all you need to know.
Me: Sir, we have to verify that it is known good before we can proceed.
Him: Well, I'm not going to.
Me: Alright, let's move to another outlet then.
Him: That means I gotta crawl around and unplug the computer, I'm not doing that.
Me: Alright, sir. I'll just make a note that you were unwilling to continue on with troubleshooting. If you change your mind feel free to give us a call back. Thank you for calling Dell and have a nice-
Him: It took me 45 minutes to get to you! Don't you hang up on me you little snot!
Me: Sir, you're not willing to do anything I ask you. All we're doing is wasting your time and mine. If you'd like to do the troubleshooting I'll be happy to stay on the line with you and get it sorted.
Him: Fine, give me a minute.
Then I hear him rummaging around under his desk, then he yells "Aw fuck!" pretty loud and comes back to the phone.
Him: My damn cat unplugged the AC cord! Once I got it plugged in and hit the button the machine took right off.
Me: Excellent! Just let your battery charge a few hours and you're back in business. Thank you for calling Dell and have a nice day.
Then I disconnect the call.
I'm sure there's funny in there somewhere, but translating it to a story that doesn't have all the boring bits is the trick, isn't it?
I get a call while working on the B2B support line for their portable systems, mostly calls from executives regarding their Latitudes and every so often a spouse or offspring of an employee of whatever corporation who got their system as a gift due to the deep discounts Dell offers for certain companies.
Anyway, this day I get call from a guy who is an executive VP of a very large corporation, I won't mention any names, but it's Fortune 500. His Inspiron won't power and I'm trying to determine if it's the AC cord, the battery, or the main board. My gut tells me it's just a dead battery since he's had the system for a relatively short time. The call goes something like this:
Me: Alright, let's go ahead and try to boot up the system.
Him: It won't power on, goddammit! That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Me: Yes, sir, I understand that, but we still have to give it a shot.
Him: Fine, have it your way. Ok, I press the button and nothing happens.
Me: Alright, let's go ahead and make sure the system is plugged in to a wall outlet so it's drawing AC power.
Him: Why?
Me: It's standard procedure, sir. We have to go through things one at a time to either verify function or isolate the cause.
Him: Well, it's plugged in, it has been all day.
Me: Can you just double check the connection at the back of your system and the outlet..just to be sure.
Him: You little bastard! You don't think I know how to plug in a fucking computer? What kind of idiot do you take me for?
Me: (In my mind: The biggest idiot, you bought a Dell) Sir, we just have to double check, I want to verify it's plugged in, then we verify the outlet.
Him: How do we do that?
Me: By plugging something else into it.
Him: The outlet is behind the desk, I'm not going to get down and plug something in just so you can "verify" it. It works, that's all you need to know.
Me: Sir, we have to verify that it is known good before we can proceed.
Him: Well, I'm not going to.
Me: Alright, let's move to another outlet then.
Him: That means I gotta crawl around and unplug the computer, I'm not doing that.
Me: Alright, sir. I'll just make a note that you were unwilling to continue on with troubleshooting. If you change your mind feel free to give us a call back. Thank you for calling Dell and have a nice-
Him: It took me 45 minutes to get to you! Don't you hang up on me you little snot!
Me: Sir, you're not willing to do anything I ask you. All we're doing is wasting your time and mine. If you'd like to do the troubleshooting I'll be happy to stay on the line with you and get it sorted.
Him: Fine, give me a minute.
Then I hear him rummaging around under his desk, then he yells "Aw fuck!" pretty loud and comes back to the phone.
Him: My damn cat unplugged the AC cord! Once I got it plugged in and hit the button the machine took right off.
Me: Excellent! Just let your battery charge a few hours and you're back in business. Thank you for calling Dell and have a nice day.
Then I disconnect the call.
I'm sure there's funny in there somewhere, but translating it to a story that doesn't have all the boring bits is the trick, isn't it?
yes! see, thats gold, you just dont know it yet. it's a little longwinded in its current form, but its definately material there. to get you started, a few ideas that can turn into jokes
"why do cats always unplug things? where did they get such manual dexterity"
"Him: You little bastard! You don't think I know how to plug in a fucking computer? What kind of idiot do you take me for?
Me: (In my mind: The biggest idiot, you bought a Dell) Sir, we just have to double check, I want to verify it's plugged in, then we verify the outlet."
this part is exellent, just needs rewording:
"what kind of idiot do you take me for?"
"the kind that not only buys a shitty computer but has no idea how to use it"
"why do cats always unplug things? where did they get such manual dexterity"
"Him: You little bastard! You don't think I know how to plug in a fucking computer? What kind of idiot do you take me for?
Me: (In my mind: The biggest idiot, you bought a Dell) Sir, we just have to double check, I want to verify it's plugged in, then we verify the outlet."
this part is exellent, just needs rewording:
"what kind of idiot do you take me for?"
"the kind that not only buys a shitty computer but has no idea how to use it"
Here's another funny story, this one I have actually told to people and got a huge response to, I also blogged it once and got a ton of comments.
So, I was working midnight shift as a clerk at a gas station a couple of years ago. Sure, it wasn't glamorous, but it was pretty fun and you really see some wild shit in the middle of the night. Anyway, things are fairly typical for a Friday night. It's around midnight, I'm there all alone, and there's a queue of people backed up around 15 deep(I wasn't inefficient, it's just how Fridays rolled there).
I'm doing my thing serving customers, and doing it quite well. It was a thing of beauty to see me on the register during a rush, I was a blur of motion, a total zen experience between myself and the register. I'm ringing sales up left and right(literally, I opened the second register and was working both at once) and generally just moving people out the door as quickly as I possibly can.
As I'm running a check on one register through the slow TeleChex machine and running a credit card on the other, which was equally slow, I hear a ding that signifies the drive through window has a customer. I don't even get turned around to look when the person there starts laying on the horn immediately.
So, I go to the window and open it and say "I'm a bit busy right now, you're going to have to wait a few minutes" and go back to my registers and keep on doing what I was doing. At this point the woman outside is honking like crazy and I ask the customers at the counter to excuse me for a moment and I go back over.
I fling the window open and say, "I told you I was busy. It's Friday night, I'm here alone, and there's a line all the way to the back wall. You're just going to have to wait a few minutes.", then I slam the window shut before she can reply. She keeps laying on the horn for around 30 seconds then I hear another ding that lets me know she drove off.
Good, I'm thinking, one less moron to deal with. But, no, it couldn't be that easy, could it? She only pulled around and comes rushing through the door, cuts in front of everyone, then stands at the counter just eyeballing me. Of course, being the way I am, I just ignore her and keep on ringing up everyone she cut past.
Finally, I get the entire store cleared it, it's just her, my best friend, and myself in the store. I look at her and say, "Alright, what can I do for you?". She looks at me a second and says, "I don't want a damn thing from you, asshole! You're a ************ and I'm not going to give you my money!"
I just look at her a moment then I reply with, "Fair enough", thinking that's that. Then she starts giving me what for about my customer service skills and how it's my job to cater to her every whim. Not the best thing to do to a guy who just spent 30 minutes solid being slammed and by himself, so I just reply to her with, "I'm the asshole? I fail to see how I'm the asshole here. I'm here trying to do my work and you show up demanding service even though it's obvious that due to the rush I can't give you immediate service and I'm the asshole?"
She says, "Well, you didn't have to be so fucking rude!". I apologized and told her that it wasn't my intention to be rude to her. By now she's grating on my nerves and I just want her gone, good customer service be damned. So, I explain to her how her tirade didn't really give me an overwhelming desire to immediately help her since I had a great deal of people who weren't too lazy to get out their cars, then I tell her that, in fact, I'd found her rude.
She asks me how that could be so I put on a nice one-man-show. I start to pantomime driving a car and say, "Alright! I need to get something here. Let me just pull into this drive through and immediately start laying on my horn before the clerk even has time to register that I'm here", at this point I'm frantically bashing an invisible car horn. "I think I got my point across! Here he comes. Oh, he's busy, I better lay on my horn some more to let him know that I'm an impatient ***** who demands immediate service, waiting in line is for suckers!", and I again bash the invisible horn.
It escalates and I start to mimic her coming into the store and saying, "Alright, now let me cut in front of all these people and just stand here and stare at the clerk with a mean look on my face. Then he'll know I mean business!".
She just stands there with her mouth open and finally I end the story and say, "Again, ma'am, what can I do for you?" She finally manages to utter, "Fuck you, you dumb fucking redneck", which is ironic considering that if you looked up "dumb fucking redneck" you'd find her picture. She turns to leave and as she's on the way out I say, "Have a nice night!", which was pretty much automatic for me when people left.
She turns and drops a comeback so fierce, so biting, that I still haven't recovered from it. She looks me square in the eye and says, "Yeah, well....you have a BAD night!", and storms out the door.
So, I was working midnight shift as a clerk at a gas station a couple of years ago. Sure, it wasn't glamorous, but it was pretty fun and you really see some wild shit in the middle of the night. Anyway, things are fairly typical for a Friday night. It's around midnight, I'm there all alone, and there's a queue of people backed up around 15 deep(I wasn't inefficient, it's just how Fridays rolled there).
I'm doing my thing serving customers, and doing it quite well. It was a thing of beauty to see me on the register during a rush, I was a blur of motion, a total zen experience between myself and the register. I'm ringing sales up left and right(literally, I opened the second register and was working both at once) and generally just moving people out the door as quickly as I possibly can.
As I'm running a check on one register through the slow TeleChex machine and running a credit card on the other, which was equally slow, I hear a ding that signifies the drive through window has a customer. I don't even get turned around to look when the person there starts laying on the horn immediately.
So, I go to the window and open it and say "I'm a bit busy right now, you're going to have to wait a few minutes" and go back to my registers and keep on doing what I was doing. At this point the woman outside is honking like crazy and I ask the customers at the counter to excuse me for a moment and I go back over.
I fling the window open and say, "I told you I was busy. It's Friday night, I'm here alone, and there's a line all the way to the back wall. You're just going to have to wait a few minutes.", then I slam the window shut before she can reply. She keeps laying on the horn for around 30 seconds then I hear another ding that lets me know she drove off.
Good, I'm thinking, one less moron to deal with. But, no, it couldn't be that easy, could it? She only pulled around and comes rushing through the door, cuts in front of everyone, then stands at the counter just eyeballing me. Of course, being the way I am, I just ignore her and keep on ringing up everyone she cut past.
Finally, I get the entire store cleared it, it's just her, my best friend, and myself in the store. I look at her and say, "Alright, what can I do for you?". She looks at me a second and says, "I don't want a damn thing from you, asshole! You're a ************ and I'm not going to give you my money!"
I just look at her a moment then I reply with, "Fair enough", thinking that's that. Then she starts giving me what for about my customer service skills and how it's my job to cater to her every whim. Not the best thing to do to a guy who just spent 30 minutes solid being slammed and by himself, so I just reply to her with, "I'm the asshole? I fail to see how I'm the asshole here. I'm here trying to do my work and you show up demanding service even though it's obvious that due to the rush I can't give you immediate service and I'm the asshole?"
She says, "Well, you didn't have to be so fucking rude!". I apologized and told her that it wasn't my intention to be rude to her. By now she's grating on my nerves and I just want her gone, good customer service be damned. So, I explain to her how her tirade didn't really give me an overwhelming desire to immediately help her since I had a great deal of people who weren't too lazy to get out their cars, then I tell her that, in fact, I'd found her rude.
She asks me how that could be so I put on a nice one-man-show. I start to pantomime driving a car and say, "Alright! I need to get something here. Let me just pull into this drive through and immediately start laying on my horn before the clerk even has time to register that I'm here", at this point I'm frantically bashing an invisible car horn. "I think I got my point across! Here he comes. Oh, he's busy, I better lay on my horn some more to let him know that I'm an impatient ***** who demands immediate service, waiting in line is for suckers!", and I again bash the invisible horn.
It escalates and I start to mimic her coming into the store and saying, "Alright, now let me cut in front of all these people and just stand here and stare at the clerk with a mean look on my face. Then he'll know I mean business!".
She just stands there with her mouth open and finally I end the story and say, "Again, ma'am, what can I do for you?" She finally manages to utter, "Fuck you, you dumb fucking redneck", which is ironic considering that if you looked up "dumb fucking redneck" you'd find her picture. She turns to leave and as she's on the way out I say, "Have a nice night!", which was pretty much automatic for me when people left.
She turns and drops a comeback so fierce, so biting, that I still haven't recovered from it. She looks me square in the eye and says, "Yeah, well....you have a BAD night!", and storms out the door.
Good sir I laughed out loud. People are staring at me now but it was worth it.Retoru post=18.72254.754879 said:
, but the second one not so much.