It's that gorram time again folks. Time that one of my far too many far too small baby steps needs more thought than I can handle alone with my own limited experience and understanding of these odd creatures called humanity. I am so very sorry to bother this site again with my crap, but there are few other places I can viably turn to. Especially since I left college and the wonderful local council has recently decided no one needs any local support services. The multiple tales of teen depression drug abuse and suicide that I hear beg to differ, but I digress. If I get onto the topic of the government, I will be here all night.
Anyway, today one of my few friends invited me out. To play football. I would usually just politely decline, both because I'm something of a, at least self admittant now, hermit when I have no real need to venture out, and partially because I hate football. Anyway, he convinced me to go out for a little, and whilst I still hate football, being out like normal people would do was enjoyable. It gets me thinking about a debate in my mind that has been going for quite some time now.
See I'm going to uni soon. There, socialising will be much more crucial. I will be living with other people, and when the first year ends and I'm not in halls anymore, I will have to find shared housing, which means in order to guarantee a home during the last two years I must become accepted into a small social group. Otherwise I face housemate interviews, which I would be rubbish at. Also as much as I would love to believe I don't need other people, I will, first time living alone and all.
Which leaves me with a problem. My friend invites me out quite a bit, I usually decline. He knows I have problems with "outside" so he doesn't take offence. I wonder though, should I risk the outside world? I could be preparing myself for uni; learning how to socialise, how to fit in with other humans. Hell, i am lonely, a bit if company to liven up the next couple of months. But if I do go out, I put my sanity at stake. There are multiple things out there that seem to seek to topple my stability. One thing could set me off; a girl, a violent incident, a drunken mistake...a whole variety of things. If I lose it, their is no one who can or even will help in time for me to be stable for uni.
Miserable works, y'see. I've been coping with miserable for a large part of my life. I can work through it, I can create films through it, I survive through it. Instability is chaos. Chaos can't work. Chaos is anger, paranoia, frenzied fear. I can't work through that, I can't even socialise through that. My work is far more important to me than my happiness. For a long time I've thought my happiness as doomed.
I know I'll have to get out more when I go to uni, but what do I do now? Do I keep my mind "on ice" isolate myself? Or do I risk my sanity on practicing my social skills?
Thanks for reading that wall of text, and again, sorry for bothering you guys again.
Anyway, today one of my few friends invited me out. To play football. I would usually just politely decline, both because I'm something of a, at least self admittant now, hermit when I have no real need to venture out, and partially because I hate football. Anyway, he convinced me to go out for a little, and whilst I still hate football, being out like normal people would do was enjoyable. It gets me thinking about a debate in my mind that has been going for quite some time now.
See I'm going to uni soon. There, socialising will be much more crucial. I will be living with other people, and when the first year ends and I'm not in halls anymore, I will have to find shared housing, which means in order to guarantee a home during the last two years I must become accepted into a small social group. Otherwise I face housemate interviews, which I would be rubbish at. Also as much as I would love to believe I don't need other people, I will, first time living alone and all.
Which leaves me with a problem. My friend invites me out quite a bit, I usually decline. He knows I have problems with "outside" so he doesn't take offence. I wonder though, should I risk the outside world? I could be preparing myself for uni; learning how to socialise, how to fit in with other humans. Hell, i am lonely, a bit if company to liven up the next couple of months. But if I do go out, I put my sanity at stake. There are multiple things out there that seem to seek to topple my stability. One thing could set me off; a girl, a violent incident, a drunken mistake...a whole variety of things. If I lose it, their is no one who can or even will help in time for me to be stable for uni.
Miserable works, y'see. I've been coping with miserable for a large part of my life. I can work through it, I can create films through it, I survive through it. Instability is chaos. Chaos can't work. Chaos is anger, paranoia, frenzied fear. I can't work through that, I can't even socialise through that. My work is far more important to me than my happiness. For a long time I've thought my happiness as doomed.
I know I'll have to get out more when I go to uni, but what do I do now? Do I keep my mind "on ice" isolate myself? Or do I risk my sanity on practicing my social skills?
Thanks for reading that wall of text, and again, sorry for bothering you guys again.