It's kinda [messed] up the way we ask "How are you?"

[MCerberus]

US-English has a ton of greetings that don't mean exactly what they state but have purposes and subtle meanings. Regional English (as opposed to trade English, which just picks up whatever baggage the speaker's native language has, god this language is weird) is sort of a nightmare trying to learn or, and I'll try to grab the source for this, for people with an ASD.

Example: "What's up?" one of the standard informal greetings. The expected reply is "nothing much", but it leaves room for further conversation. Something to ask a bored friend.

"What's going on?" An inquiry that demands explanation for an event or action the other person is implied to know about. Your sister is crying when you talk to her, or you get an email that something went wrong at work.

Translate the slang and they mean THE EXACT SAME THING, but contextually, they lead to different conversations. For a supposedly informal language, there are a ton of very specific scripts one is expected to know.

 

[happyninja42]

Why are you here?!

The Babylon 5 circle is now complete!

Eeeeeeeexcellent.

Mr Burns was a Shadow, right?

....that would explain a lot yes. xD

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

My response to it is so automatic that there's been occasions where I've had an absolutely miserable day, hadn't slept in 2 days and automatically reply "Good, you?" without even thinking. Which I realize is the expectation with strangers, but this is even with friends.

I had a conversation about a very similar subject with a bunch of my coworkers a while ago. Two of them were Polish, and were talking about how weird it is in English to say "How's it going?". Both of them were incredibly confused when they first encountered people asking them that, thinking "How's what going?". Apparently in Polish they don't have a word that binds to the current situation like "it" does in this context. The Polish equivalent is of the form "How's going?" or "How's flying"?

Note that this conversation was almost a year ago, so I might be remembering it completely wrong.

 

[BarkBarker]

The phrase is usually easy for me to recognise as small talk and greeting form based around who, how and when it is said. If I look kinda bored or tired people say it to me in a somewhat concerning voice with rather direct eye contact. Otherwise it's usually a small handwave as they go by or just a "I acknowledge your existence" phrase.

 

[Wintermute_v1legacy]

Yeah, no one really cares. I'm always tempted to answer honestly and tell people how miserable my life actually is. Instead I'll just say "Great! You?"

That's why I never ask anyone this. "Good morning/afternoon/evening" works just fine.

 

[Frankster]

This simple question is amongst my most hated statements for reasons people already stated.

How do I do? Do you REALLY want to know? Exactly. Good thing living in Britain had conditioned me to automatically reply "i'm good, you?" as part of the necessary small talk needed to get around unmolested.
I mean damn, you could bump into me and walk on my shoes deliberately and I'd automatically say "sorry mate" or something to that effect. It's just automatic now, don't even have to think about it.

 

[Akytalusia]

this is an edit. my original post was kind of ranty. needless to say, yes; i believe the casual usage of the question is 'messed up'.
in fact, i hate it. more than the guy above me.

 

[EvilRoy]

Yeah, over here in the UK we have also have "You alright?" or "You okay?" which serve the same purpose. It's small talk, the point isn't to exchange any useful information, just to acknowledge the other person.

Pretty much yeah. It's a form of "hello", even if you already said hello. It's just a customary inquiry, and people usually expect the customary response of "I'm allright."

A few years ago I was at a research post with an international research team; but mostly from the US and the UK.

Us Brits would frequently use the usual greeting of "Alright" to which any Brit knows the correct response is "Alright". When we said it to the Americans, however, they'd usually suddenly look really concerned and respond with something along the lines of "yes, I'm fine. Why? Do I look like something is wrong?". Took them about a week and a half to get the hang of the fact that no, we don't think something is wrong, we're just saying hello.

If I had to guess, they probably were inserting a question mark at the end of that word. "Alright?" Like you were just using a very abbreviated "You doing alright?" Which is a common "how are you?" equivalent over here. If they were unfamiliar with your accents, that probably added some extra confusion to the mix.

It might also be that here in North America, "You Okay/Alright?" is something you ask a person who just got hurt, or looks like they're hurting. Like, if a dude fell on the sidewalk you ask "you okay?" or if someones grandmother died you might ask "are you doing alright?" The statement just sort of implies that it looks like something a reasonable person would be concerned over has happened.

As far as "how are you?" goes, in Canada it can double as a greeting or a sort of polite "what do you want". Like if I was tapped on the the shoulder in a polite setting I would respond with a "Hi, how are you?" or "Hi, can I help you?"whereas in a more laid back environment it would just be "what's up?"

 

[Saelune]

Oh Ive noticed it for a long time, though my guess is many people with depression have. I hate it when people ask me that cause they never want to actually hear the truth. I never say that to people unless I mean it, hence why I just go with Hi or Hey.

It is one of MAAAAANY social etiquette BS that I despise and do my best to not adhere to.

 

[Conner42]

It freaks me the fuck out when a random stranger I just pass by on the street asks me this. Leave me the fuck alone you fucking assholes!!!

I kind of wonder if this affects the way we really talk to each other. It's really hard to be honest with people and I notice that people are never completely honest with me either. I remember something that really pissed me off was during college when I sat next to this total stranger, but we introduced each other and it felt nice. Was it a start of a growing friendship? Could we help each other on assignments? Oh, wait, no, she was just doing that to be "polite," because, by next class, she already had a friend who took the seat I had from that last time. But then there was the time where we were forced to work on a group project and I made some suggestions that they completely ignored until it gets back to the teacher and the teacher SAYS THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING I TOLD THEM, GOD DAMMIT!(This has happened to me before -_-)

Anyways, that last part was ranty a bit off-topic, I suppose, but I feel like this way we talk to each other is supposed to be polite but it comes off to me as being incredibly rude now. I would have preferred it if that person didn't even start talking to me. Because then it wouldn't have setup that betrayal that she sort of made. Seat taken from someone who's obviously her friend? Yeah, fine, I'll switch seats, I don't give a fuck. But when she decided to be "nice" and introduce herself so in a way that we might be working together a lot and then having that bullshit happening, that's really rude.

I've read a lot about this on foreigners experiences in the US how they could strike up a conversation with a random American and it would feel like a quickly growing friendship only for the next day to have the person pass them by as if they were complete strangers suddenly. In that sense, it feels like we're building a wall with each other. I've read it's because the US is an independent culture, but that doesn't explain where this phony politeness comes from. From what I've heard from Yahtzee, Australia is a bit like this too, so it's not just an American phenomenon.

 

[Silverbeard]

If it really is an American thing, then it's already leaking into other cultures. As a German, I encounter the rethorical "How are you" very frequently. It puts me in a weird spot, because I never exactly know what they want to hear as an answer...
And because I really don't like that awkwardness, I usually try to subvert this kind of thing by honestly telling them how I'm doing and giving a brief summary of the general problems I'm facing/ successes I've had. When people learn to expect that, they hopefully learn to not ask this question with the expectation of a ritualized "I'm fine".

I dunno; 'Wie geht es Ihnen?' never strikes me the same way as 'How are you'. Even the more informal 'Wie gehst du?' seems to require a more complete response than 'Gut'.

On topic: It's a good thing to say when you don't have anything else to say to a colleague at work, for instance. For instance there's a new hire at my lab that I don't know very well so I'll ask her 'How are you?' or 'How was your weekend?' and I'll use body language and/or eye contact to indicate that I'm not just asking for the sake of asking. I mean, asking 'How are you' while standing in front of the recipient and making eye contact is very different from asking 'How are you?' while rushing past them and looking at one's watch or something.
If I know the person semi-well, I might ask a more pointed question like 'How are your sons doing?' or 'How's that throat infection?'.

 

[EHKOS]

Yeah, I was thinking this the other day. I was in Kroger at like, 11 PM and it was near empty. Employees were still running around though. One asked me it, I said "Good, you?", then he just said "Still breathin'", and kept walking without breaking stride. Like...alright...I'm just gonna go ahead and finish shopping...because I don't know...if the situation is over...or...or...OK.

It is weird. "How are you?"
Me: "Good." (Internally: I have crippling anxiety, I'm in a manic bipolar cycle, I'm grossly overweight, my car is dying and I have no purpose in life, simply talking to you is bothering me because it puts me in a social situation.) Ya know...good.

 

[Lufia Erim]

Man you guys are overthinking this.

-Hey, how's it going?
-Not bad, yourself?
-I'm good.

This is for politeness and acknowledging the other persons presence.The alternative is completely ignoring the person.
Now at this point one of two things happen. Either:

A) Someone asks a followup question leading to an actual conversation, such as :" how was your weekend?".

B) End of conversation.

In situation a the person is more often than not interested in carrying on a conversation with you. In situation B however the person was just being polite and doesn't really care to have a conversation with you.

 

[Secondhand Revenant]

Not really too weird unless we are to think that the concept of implications and context are weird. Point is we know what is really meant, we learn it growing up.

 

[Evil Moo]

When I ask this I want a fully comprehensive and honest answer. Sadly I never get one, it's always the same "Not bad." or "Good, you?". It feels like no one wants to actually have a conversation. Maybe they don't. I've always been the quiet person in any group, but I'm starting to think no one else was really saying anything either, just making noise in the form of this meaningless small-talk.

 

[Secondhand Revenant]

When I ask this I want a fully comprehensive and honest answer. Sadly I never get one, it's always the same "Not bad." or "Good, you?". It feels like no one wants to actually have a conversation. Maybe they don't. I've always been the quiet person in any group, but I'm starting to think no one else was really saying anything either, just making noise in the form of this meaningless small-talk.

Perhaps you should ask them in a manner that isn't identical to a common greeting to which a full answer usually wouldn't be appropiate? That seems counterproductive to getting an actual answer

 

[Evil Moo]

Perhaps you should ask them in a manner that isn't identical to a common greeting to which a full answer usually wouldn't be appropiate? That seems counterproductive to getting an actual answer

I've never been good at this kind of linguistic idiosyncrasy. If I can't use words to mean what they mean, then there is no point in me saying them at all. Which is convenient as I haven't had any friends to talk to for many years now...

 

[Secondhand Revenant]

Perhaps you should ask them in a manner that isn't identical to a common greeting to which a full answer usually wouldn't be appropiate? That seems counterproductive to getting an actual answer

I've never been good at this kind of linguistic idiosyncrasy. If I can't use words to mean what they mean, then there is no point in me saying them at all. Which is convenient as I haven't had any friends to talk to for many years now...

The point of words is to convey a particular meaning. If that particular meaning would not be apparent from the phrasing then another choice of words would seem wise. Your intent is vague when you use a phrase that commonly implies something else.

Clearly there's a point to using words even if that particular phrase is vague given that you're using words and conveying a meaning.

 

[Nemmerle]

When I ask this I want a fully comprehensive and honest answer. Sadly I never get one, it's always the same "Not bad." or "Good, you?". It feels like no one wants to actually have a conversation. Maybe they don't. I've always been the quiet person in any group, but I'm starting to think no one else was really saying anything either, just making noise in the form of this meaningless small-talk.

Prefacing this with the admission that a lot of people are bores who just want to talk in a rather vapid manner; meaningless small-talk; about themselves:

How would the question as to how someone is lead well into a more in depth discussion?

If I'm feeling fine I'm just... you know, feeling fine. Ain't much of a monologue in that.

If I feel like crap, I probably don't want to have a long conversation about the crappiness of my life.

If I've got problems, there aren't that many people I trust enough; both in terms of how they're going to treat the information and in terms of their competence in responding; to share them with.

It's perhaps a way to start a conversation, but it's rarely going to go there by itself IME.

As I mentioned up-thread, the person I know who's best at talking to people - works in our sales and marketing - asks very specific questions around that person's interests. Gives them the chance to talk about what they want to and some reassurance, by asking the question, that they're going to be able to do so without boring them. If they've got a family and are interested in their family/proud of them, then they'll get asked about that - if they've a sport they follow, they'll get asked about that - if they like talking about tasks and plans, work etc, they have that sort of discussion.

By contrast, the people I know who are worst at talking to people are those who only really want to have a discussion about what interests them. Sometimes they'll ask, through gritted teeth, how people are, but they don't follow it up with anything that would support a discussion - and they probably don't listen enough to people when they are talking to be able to say much about the conversational styles and interests of those around them anyway.

 

[Souplex]

In New York we give a brief but accurate answer.
"How are you?"
"Could be better; slightly headachey, otherwise good."