JOKES ( they don't have to be great )
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8 bytes walk into a bar and the bartender says, hey can I make you a Double?
There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who know binary and those who don't.
There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who know binary and those who don't.
Canadians will love this one. If you are British just insert the Welsh, if you are American, it's a redneck, if you are Aussie, it's a New Zealander, and so on and so on.
So, these two Newfies are driving along in the prairies and they see are passing this wheat field. The Newfie in the passenger seat looks out into the wheat field and sees a third Newfie sitting in a rowboat in this "sea of wheat". The passenger looks at the driver and says
"It's morons like him dat give da rest of us a bad name."
The driver looks out, sighs in disgust, and says "Ya got dat right, bye. And if I could swim I would go out dere and kick his ass."
This is a physical joke:
Knock knock
Who's there?
KGB
KGB who?
*smack your friend* WE ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE!
So, these two Newfies are driving along in the prairies and they see are passing this wheat field. The Newfie in the passenger seat looks out into the wheat field and sees a third Newfie sitting in a rowboat in this "sea of wheat". The passenger looks at the driver and says
"It's morons like him dat give da rest of us a bad name."
The driver looks out, sighs in disgust, and says "Ya got dat right, bye. And if I could swim I would go out dere and kick his ass."
This is a physical joke:
Knock knock
Who's there?
KGB
KGB who?
*smack your friend* WE ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE!
What does tight roping over the Grand Canyon have in common with getting a blowjob from a 95 year old woman?
A: Don't look down.
A: Don't look down.
John and Susan are young and in love. They've been dating awhile, and things are getting serious enough that Susan invites John to meet her parents over dinner. John agrees, but warns Susan not to serve any beans -- they give him crazy gas, and he wants to make a good impression. When the time comes, John goes to Susan's house, dressed to the nines. He makes small talk with Susan's dad, and they really hit it off. When dinner is served, John is horrified to discover a huge pot of baked beans in the middle of the table. He panics, thinking that if he refuses to eat, he'll be insulting; if he eats, he'll be gassy, and offensive. He decides to take a small portion as a compromise. Things are going well, the dinner conversation is going well, until suddenly, John feels a rumbling. Try as he might, he just can't contain it, and a fart squeaks out. Everything stops. Susan's father looks under the table and says "Rover! Get outta there!" "That was close!" thinks John, and vows to be more careful. Things continue as they had before John's outburst, he's making a great impression, things are going great. Soon, however, John has to fart again. He squeezes his cheeks, to no avail. He farts, considerably louder than before. Again, everything stops. Susan's father looks under the table and shouts "Rover! Get OUTTA there!" "This is great!" thinks John, "I can fart all night, and the dog will get blamed." So, John piles on the beans, and lets 'em fly. After a short time of this, Susan's father slams his fist on the table, sticks his head under the table and shouts "ROVER! For crying out loud, get outta there, before he craps on you!"
Earlier today, Hugh Hefner ordered some monks off his property. They had been selling flowers outside the Playboy Mansion in protest. The monks were quoted as saying "We would have gotten away with it if had been anyone else, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars."
Please don't hate me.
Please don't hate me.
Link'd cos the pic's too big for the forums. [http://dka.bplaced.net/FTP/triforce.jpg]
That's fucking hilarious xD
That's fucking hilarious xD
Two muffins are baking together in an oven. The first muffin looks over and asks "Hot enough for ya?" The second muffin looks over and yells "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender says "Hey, did you know that there's a wheel attached to your crotch?" The pirate says "Yarr! It's drivin' me nuts!"
A horse is sitting at a bar, looking depressed. A man walks in, walks up to the bartender, and asks "What's with the horse?" The bartender explains that the horse has just been sitting there all day moping and nothing can cheer him up. The man bets the bartender fifty dollars that he can make the horse laugh, and the bartender agrees. The man walks over, says something to the horse, and the horse starts cracking up. The man walks back to the bartender, who says "Wow, that's incredible! How'd you do that?" The man just shakes his head and bets the bartender one hundred dollars that he can make the horse cry. The bartender agrees to the bet, as long as the man explains himself. The man walks back over to the horse, whispers something into its ear, and they both walk into the bathroom together. A moment later, the horse walks out bawling, and the man immediately follows, zipping up his pants. The bartender hand the man his money and again asks what he did. The man says "First, I told him that my dick was bigger than his. Then, I showed him."
I've got about a million terrible jokes, but I really don't feel like typing them out, and I'm afraid that I'd get modded for some of the better ones.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender says "Hey, did you know that there's a wheel attached to your crotch?" The pirate says "Yarr! It's drivin' me nuts!"
A horse is sitting at a bar, looking depressed. A man walks in, walks up to the bartender, and asks "What's with the horse?" The bartender explains that the horse has just been sitting there all day moping and nothing can cheer him up. The man bets the bartender fifty dollars that he can make the horse laugh, and the bartender agrees. The man walks over, says something to the horse, and the horse starts cracking up. The man walks back to the bartender, who says "Wow, that's incredible! How'd you do that?" The man just shakes his head and bets the bartender one hundred dollars that he can make the horse cry. The bartender agrees to the bet, as long as the man explains himself. The man walks back over to the horse, whispers something into its ear, and they both walk into the bathroom together. A moment later, the horse walks out bawling, and the man immediately follows, zipping up his pants. The bartender hand the man his money and again asks what he did. The man says "First, I told him that my dick was bigger than his. Then, I showed him."
I've got about a million terrible jokes, but I really don't feel like typing them out, and I'm afraid that I'd get modded for some of the better ones.
Here goes my... attempt at reproducing a good one:
"After the college course a smoking hot woman from the class approached the teacher after everyone had left.
Student: This course is so difficult!
Teacher: I know but its standard stuff you need to know.
Student: I would do anything to pass this class... anything...
Teacher: Anything?...
Student:... anything...
Teacher: Then how about you...
Student: .. yes?......
Teacher:....study."
"After the college course a smoking hot woman from the class approached the teacher after everyone had left.
Student: This course is so difficult!
Teacher: I know but its standard stuff you need to know.
Student: I would do anything to pass this class... anything...
Teacher: Anything?...
Student:... anything...
Teacher: Then how about you...
Student: .. yes?......
Teacher:....study."
After having their 11th child, a redneck and his wife decided that enough was enough.
So the redneck went to see the doctor who told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but it would be very expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So, the man went home, lit the cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
So the redneck went to see the doctor who told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but it would be very expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So, the man went home, lit the cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?omicron1 said:
A: To get to the same side!
P.S. Anyone else resent these spot check captchas?