JOKES ( they don't have to be great )

[Leg End]

A child and a pedophile are walking through the woods at night and the child says
"Wow this sure is scary." Then the pedophile says
"You think this is scary? I'm the one that has to walk back alone."

Dude, that joke burns me like a frying pan. Ouch.

OT:

Spoiler: What is Russian, Cold and used as an implement to stab people in the back?

A corpse named Dimitri.

 

[AcidMittens]

Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?

 

[Chefodeath]

Way too much build-up for way too little payoff.

See that's why it's funny.
Because you wasted all that time reading it.

Oh,

That is funny.

 

[RotVos]

(I hope I don't get trouble for this)

during World War II two Jews decide to kill Hitler. They've planned everything. At 1 o'clock mr. Hitler goes to the church in the Roßenstrasse, at two o'clock, he comes out of the church and the two Jews shoot him.
The two Jews are waiting for Hitler to get out of the building. 2 o'clock, no Hitler. Half past 2, no Hitler. 3 o'clock, no Hitler. Half past 3, no Hitler.
Suddenly one of the two Jews says to his friend "I hope nothing bad happened to him".

source: NRC Handelsblad. A Dutch newspaper

 

[Scott Guthrie]

"Rose: Mum, why am I called Rose?
Mum: Cause when you were born a rose petal fell on your head.
Daisy: Mum, why am I called Daisy?
Mum: Cause when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head.
????: Rgqkgrgfyusgdskgfdfhkj?
Mum: Shut up, Brick..."

 

[PokinSmot117]

The Matrix isn't real because even the machines wouldn't make us live through Twilight.

 

[Wilko316]

The definition of irony:
Not knowing the difference between a definition and an example.

 

[No_Remainders]

A man walks out of a doctor's office, across the road, and into a bar.

Then he realises his life is a joke.

 

[meticadpa]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

[similar.squirrel]

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: One. And it's not funny.

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

You can apply the last panel to any joke.

 

[GodofDisaster]

Spoiler: Spoilered for long text

A Bear and a Rabbit where walking through a forest, when they came across a bridge with a genie underneath it.

The genie looks up to the two animals and says "Congratulations, you two were the first ones to find me. Allow me to grant you an award how does 3 wishes each sound?"

The Bear replies first.

"That sounds great, I shall go first. I wish to be the most handsome bear in the whole world."

The genie says "your wish is granted."

Then the Rabbit makes his first wish.

"I wish for a motorbike."

The genie says "your wish is granted." (A motorbike appears before the Rabbit's eyes.)

"Now it's time for my second wish says the Bear. I wish for all the female Bears in the world to only fall in love with me and only me."

The genie says "Your wish is granted."

The Rabbit makes his second wish.

"I wish for a motorbike helmet."

The genie thinks the rabbit is wasting his wishes, but grants him the helemet anyway.

Now for the Bears last wish.

"I wish for all the male Bears to be female and fall in love with me and of course I stay a male."

The genie says your wish is granted.

The genie then turns around to see the Rabbit driving away on his new motorbike.

"Hey wait you forgot to tell me your third wish."

"Oh okay, then I wish the Bear was Gay.

 

[eggy32]

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi.

 

[No_Remainders]

Take a few dozen minutes out of your day for this-

Linked because it's WAAAAAY too long for a post here. [http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html]

And make sure you read the whole thing. It's worth it.

The page says

Many have said the end was worth the time. Some have cried, wondering how to get their life back. Good luck.

I was one of the latter people.