Just friends

[MASTACHIEFPWN]

Alright, so...
Through a series of recent events, I have managed to get in contact with this girl who I am in love with. So I began talking to her, and I found out that the jack off she has been dating dumped her... again. I'm really happy about how she is single, but not about how she is on the borderline of depression, but this isn't the first time this has happened, and she has gotten over it twice before, so...

Well, as you can tell I really like this girl, she is funny, sweet, friendly, and everything I look for in one... But seeing as how she just got dumped, I don't want to ask her out, on like a date or whatever, but I would like to meet with her, and hang out or something... ehh you get the picture. she knows I like her, and I would just like to get used to being around her. After all, if I can't go out with her, I atleast just want to be friends with her. But I want to ask her if she would like to see a movie and get something to eat afterwords or something, just as friends, and I'm not sure exactly how to say it. I don't want to creep her out or seem to pushy...
So... any ideas?

 

[Shepard's Shadow]

"Hey do you want to see a movie sometime then go out to eat?"

 

[MorsePacific]

First off, it's kind of nice to see that you want to really get to know her and that you're okay with just being friends if that's all it can be. To be honest, I'd just ask her straight out if she wants to catch a movie. It could be a good thing for her to have some company. Being alone and depressed sucks more than just being depressed.

 

[Truth Cake]

I can't give much situation-oriented advice since I have no idea what she likes, but imo a movie with someone of the opposite gender... feels like a date, which you want to stay away from for the time being (which I agree with).

Try inviting her to something with other people you both know, makes it feel less like a date and more like a... party, of sorts, and who doesn't like a party?

 

[Kryzantine]

"Hey do you want to see a movie sometime then go out to eat?"

This.

If she says no to a relationship, say it's as a friend. Let her bring along her own friend if she wants to.

Fact is, you're not after her pussy and that's all that matters. Your natural language should give it off.

Although I must wonder, why a movie or something to eat? Why not someplace else, like a park or an arcade place or something? If she has a quirk, someplace she likes to go often, meet up there. For instance, one of my friends is a skating fanatic, so it didn't sound like a date when I casually suggested ice skating, nor was it. Or one of my other friends, who loves to roll around on grass to let off steam - I suggest a park. Etc.

 

[MASTACHIEFPWN]

First off, it's kind of nice to see that you want to really get to know her and that you're okay with just being friends if that's all it can be. To be honest, I'd just ask her straight out if she wants to catch a movie. It could be a good thing for her to have some company. Being alone and depressed sucks more than just being depressed.

Yeah, I guess your right. The other day she said she was at a picnic with her friend, and I can tell she is rather sensitive to talk about her old boyfrined, so i'm avoiding bringing him up...

 

[aei_haruko]

Alright, so...
Through a series of recent events, I have managed to get in contact with this girl who I am in love with. So I began talking to her, and I found out that the jack off she has been dating dumped her... again. I'm really happy about how she is single, but not about how she is on the borderline of depression, but this isn't the first time this has happened, and she has gotten over it twice before, so...

Well, as you can tell I really like this girl, she is funny, sweet, friendly, and everything I look for in one... But seeing as how she just got dumped, I don't want to ask her out, on like a date or whatever, but I would like to meet with her, and hang out or something... ehh you get the picture. she knows I like her, and I would just like to get used to being around her. After all, if I can't go out with her, I atleast just want to be friends with her. But I want to ask her if she would like to see a movie and get something to eat afterwords or something, just as friends, and I'm not sure exactly how to say it. I don't want to creep her out or seem to pushy...
So... any ideas?

"hey, so I'm super bored today, and I'd love to have some fun with you, so i wanted to know if ya wanted to see captain america, ya know, have some fun at the movies, maybe grab a bite to eat, just hang out and have a nice time. sound good?"

 

[aei_haruko]

First off, it's kind of nice to see that you want to really get to know her and that you're okay with just being friends if that's all it can be. To be honest, I'd just ask her straight out if she wants to catch a movie. It could be a good thing for her to have some company. Being alone and depressed sucks more than just being depressed.

You my friend are a genious, and is the el tigre/mr chow/ AWESOME!!!!!!
can I friend you simply for your superb tatse in actors?

 

[MorsePacific]

Yeah, I guess your right. The other day she said she was at a picnic with her friend, and I can tell she is rather sensitive to talk about her old boyfrined, so i'm avoiding bringing him up...

That's probably for the best. Seriously, just see if she wants to hang out some time. It'll get her mind off it and you'll see how things really work between you two.

 

[barbzilla]

Here is the deal, if you really like the girl let her know that you do. Make sure she knows that you are going to give her the time she needs though to get over the last relationship. Now for the hard part, don't be a sounding board or the guy she talks to about the losers she is dating. You want to be her friend, but you need to keep yourself from the "Friends Zone". Talk to her, hang out with her, go out and do stuff with her, but do not stick so close up her butt that she doesn't get away from you. If you feel the need to talk to her daily use text messages, but keep the conversation short and fun. Give her about a night a week of full conversation, but make sure it is a good one. You want to leave the conversation on a high note and keep her wanting more. If you go out somewhere with her, make sure you prepare properly to keep conversation going in a good direction. Complement her, but not overly so and make sure to keep the complements nice. Tell the girl she is beautiful, not fine or hot. Be comfortable with yourself around her, most girls want a guy who is going to be himself (unless you are the nervous guy, then try to work around it). Tease her a bit, but keep it playful not mean. Every once and a while say something really sweet at random (I like text messages for this as I can surprise her with something really sweet and leave it alone), but balance it. The goal here is to help lead her to see how great of a guy you are, without looking like a lost puppy. You want her to initiate contact because she really likes being around you. As for asking her out somewhere as friends, don't say want to go do X as friends. This is a warning flag. Allow her to invite herself. Example: you two are on the phone for a bit earlier in the day (make sure to know her schedule that day, you don't want to do this when she has plans) tell her you have to go get ready to see a movie, then tell her the time of the movie (make sure she has enough time to get ready/drive/prep whatever) and say "If you want to see it you should meet me at X theater". Make sure to end the conversation after giving her the when and where and let her know you have plans to do something right near the theater for about half an hour before the movie starts so she knows how to find you. Don't ask her for conformation. By doing this you are showing that you are your own person and able to have fun if she is there or not, but by giving her the option you let her know you would have more fun if she was there. If it is still early in the talking phases this may not work until you have built up her interests.

If you happen to land in the Friends Zone, don't be too worried about it. This is not a bad thing for many reasons. Most successful relationships are built on friendships. It may take longer to win her heart and break her fear of losing you as a friend, but it can be worth it. You do need to keep seeing other people though if you fall into the "Friends Zone" or you come off as clingy and desperate. Even if you never end up dating this girl, having female friends is great. First off they can teach you soooo much about how women think and act, second they tend to be very loyal friends who will comfort you when times get rough, and finally females tend to have other female friends (some of whom may be more receptive to dating you than she was).

If you take anything at all from my post, and I mean anything, please take away confidence. I don't care if you aren't the best looking guy in the world (I know I am not), if you dress well and have confidence in yourself you have the ability to be successful with women. You may not always get the one you want, if they aren't interested in you then move on, but you will find that it is much easier to find a date.

EDIT: Sorry for the text wall, my paragraph structure is horrid I am aware

 

[MorsePacific]

You my friend are a genious, and is the el tigre/mr chow/ AWESOME!!!!!!
can I friend you simply for your superb tatse in actors?

Feel free?

snip

I agree with you that he shouldn't try to be around her constantly, but a lot of your methods just seem strange to me. He shouldn't have to go out of his way to prove how nice of a guy he is; he should be himself and let her decide. You're putting far too much logic into a process that is about as illogical as it gets.

In other news, the friend zone doesn't exist.

 

[MASTACHIEFPWN]

"hey, so I'm super bored today, and I'd love to have some fun with you, so i wanted to know if ya wanted to see captain america, ya know, have some fun at the movies, maybe grab a bite to eat, just hang out and have a nice time. sound good?"

I've already seen captain america, but I'll sure as hell see it again!

 

[SonicKaos]

I'd say ask her out before she rebounds on someone else. Yeah it sounds a bit dirty and maybe underhanded, but if you like her, go for it. If you appeal to her as just friends, that's all it's going to be unless you're absolutely perfect in her eyes. It's not normally the advice I give, but if she keeps going out with other people over you, then you need to step up a little more if you want her. It may mean sinking a little lower on your morality scale, but in the end, it'd be worth it if you get her. Besides, if you both have a great time with each other anyway, then everything is good.

 

[MASTACHIEFPWN]

I'd say ask her out before she rebounds on someone else. Yeah it sounds a bit dirty and maybe underhanded, but if you like her, go for it. If you appeal to her as just friends, that's all it's going to be unless you're absolutely perfect in her eyes. It's not normally the advice I give, but if she keeps going out with other people over you, then you need to step up a little more if you want her. It may mean sinking a little lower on your morality scale, but in the end, it'd be worth it if you get her. Besides, if you both have a great time with each other anyway, then everything is good.

And seem like a sleezy jerk who gives not a care for her feelings? Yeah, no. This jack off that she has been dating is the only guy she has ever dated. He broke up with her near the near the end of our freshmen year, and when he found out I liked her, he returned to her.
In short the guy is a douche.

 

[Ultra_Caboose]

At first, just make ask her out as if you were just going somewhere with one of your friends. Be casual and upfront, but if you're worried about pressuring her, don't use the terms "go out" or "date".
Something like, "Hey, feel like seeing a movie?" or "Want to get something to eat?" Just keep it simple, and let her get used to you, then work into the romantics.

 

[SonicKaos]

And seem like a sleezy jerk who gives not a care for her feelings? Yeah, no. This jack off that she has been dating is the only guy she has ever dated. He broke up with her near the near the end of our freshmen year, and when he found out I liked her, he returned to her.
In short the guy is a douche.

Good. Then the difference between you and him is the fact that you actually do care. You can still ask her out and SHOW that. That is what would make you the best choice for her. You said she had gotten over it twice before so I got the impression that this wasn't the first time. Instead, it sounds like she didn't get over it and thus accepted this guy back again.I'm just saying that if you try really hard to be friendly and kind now, then you're going to end up as the shoulder to cry on. It's happened to me a couple times before.

 

[aei_haruko]

"hey, so I'm super bored today, and I'd love to have some fun with you, so i wanted to know if ya wanted to see captain america, ya know, have some fun at the movies, maybe grab a bite to eat, just hang out and have a nice time. sound good?"

I've already seen captain america, but I'll sure as hell see it again!

you know what I mean, just get an excuse to be with her, like ask her to go to the movies, for a bike ride, for a hike, to go to the arcade, or whatever she likes. Dude, Ya just got to find a way to interact in a meaningful experiance. Thats a big part of love, finding a meaningful experiance. The closer and more intamite you grow to somebody, then the better you'll be off, dat help?

 

[barbzilla]

I agree with you that he shouldn't try to be around her constantly, but a lot of your methods just seem strange to me. He shouldn't have to go out of his way to prove how nice of a guy he is; he should be himself and let her decide. You're putting far too much logic into a process that is about as illogical as it gets.

In other news, the friend zone doesn't exist.

I agree with you that he should not have to go out of his way to prove he is a good guy. And I advocate being yourself. I should explain where my advice comes from, and I do not think it is necessary to do all of these things, generally speaking just having your own life and confidence in yourself is enough. However from his original post it doesn't sound like he is very comfortable with the situation, so I am hoping he can avoid some of the mistakes I made. I was incredibly awkward around women and as an effect I ended up in the non-existent friends zone many times. I ended up watching and learning from my friends that were successful with women and tried to put things together. I failed for quite a while until I figured out what seemed to work for me. A few years later now I find myself much more confident around women and just act as myself most of the time, but these tactics helped me to get here. A few of the women who placed me into friends categories have told me they now regret not taking me up on the offer when I made it (though as I stated before this is not uncommon as good relationships build from friendship).

As for the friends zone not existing it depends on how you define it. I find the Friends Zone to be the point where a woman enjoys your company and thinks your a great guy, but has no romantic feelings towards you. I have seen a clear pattern from myself and my friends that this tends to happen when a guy is really smitten. Mostly because the guy really enjoys the woman's company to the point where he always wants to be around her or in contact with her. I still make this mistake when I "really" like a woman, and as an effect I now have a friend who I fall asleep with on the phone nightly, but wants to stay just friends

 

[barbzilla]

I'd say ask her out before she rebounds on someone else. Yeah it sounds a bit dirty and maybe underhanded, but if you like her, go for it. If you appeal to her as just friends, that's all it's going to be unless you're absolutely perfect in her eyes. It's not normally the advice I give, but if she keeps going out with other people over you, then you need to step up a little more if you want her. It may mean sinking a little lower on your morality scale, but in the end, it'd be worth it if you get her. Besides, if you both have a great time with each other anyway, then everything is good.

And seem like a sleezy jerk who gives not a care for her feelings? Yeah, no. This jack off that she has been dating is the only guy she has ever dated. He broke up with her near the near the end of our freshmen year, and when he found out I liked her, he returned to her.
In short the guy is a douche.

I have to agree with MASTA on this one, don't sink to that level. A relationship can be founded on anything, but a good relationship is going to be founded on friendship and trust. I would rather be a woman's friend than the guy who used her.

 

[martin's a madman]

These threads are everywhere!

Just ask her out.