<url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.846625-lacktheknack-Assassinates-Terrible-Songs-Episode-2-T-Baby-Money-Boy-Design-the-Skyline-MHG>Episode 2.
"So guys!" says I. "I finally don't have to panic constantly about school, so I think I can do a review or a few!" And so I told the Brovengers that I'd review the first three awful songs they recommended.
They delivered. ;____;
So without further ado, let's dive in!
1: "My Jeans" by Jenna Rose feat. Baby Triggy as suggested by Marter
In 2010, Jenna Rose Swerdlow was a standard giggly middle-schooler with a startlingly strong set of pipes. At the tender age of barely 12, she starred in her first music video.
<youtube=0XMy9WeI_fw>
The internet didn't like it.
Let's start with the obvious: There's is no reason for the song to start with a grinding synth and someone screaming like their throats being rolled out with a rolling pin, only to knock out four beats and then instantly switch to autotuned bubblegum pop. That's the kind of schtick that Weird Al might try in one of his original songs.
That's not to say the bubblegum pop sound really any better. It's not a total carwreck of a backing tune, really, just flat and uninteresting (with a single "woh woh woh" uberpitch warble to remind you that you're not listening to anything well-designed). Of course, it's a good thing that it's uninteresting, because we wouldn't want it distracting from the... uh... "melody"!
Who WROTE that wretched melody anyways? It's like someone recorded a small baby punching a keyboard with all its might and then polished the sound. Oh, "Baby Triggy", eh? We'll get to him later.
Lyrically, the song is pretty much exactly what you expect from a twelve-year-old. It's irritatingly literal and step-by-step at first until the baffling third verse. Essentially, she turns on the TV and finds out that she tried on a pair of jeans that are now hot stuff with celebrities. The video compliments this with a massive swarm of groupies friends that dedicate their entire morning to squealing and watching Jenna look at jeans. It's banal and dull to the point of embarrassment.
We're not even going to touch the "12-year-old driving a car brimming with squealing girls" part.
At the end of the second verse we're treated to the first of two rap verses by a 14-year-old black kid in a jungle-explorer hat and his tag-along friend. They're actually not that bad, the flow and rhythm is fine, although the lyrics are not improved, which makes sense considering the guy WROTE this song.
So, Baby Triggy, how to you excuse this?
A B C
1 2 3
That girl wore her jeans like me
I bet she's mad, 'cuz I look fab
ha ha ha ha
jack my swag
DEFEND YOURSELF.
sticks and stones may break my bones
but mine look new and hers just look so o-o-old!
Jenna herself is frustrating. She actually has the correct mouth structure and singing technique... to belt something loud. Maybe an opera, maybe an epic choir piece, anything other than My Jeans, really. She doesn't approach it right, and so in the video, it just doesn't look like she's lipsynching right. Her expressiveness also needs work as it's overwrought, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she's not very good at it yet because she's barely twelve.
The thing that it all comes back down to that makes this song so grating is that it's such an incredibly self-centered one. The second and final choruses are overly extended and echo "me - me - me - me - me" over and over, and it really sums up the problem with the song lyrically. Musically, it's a dud. Altogether, it's a miserable failure... albeit an interesting one.
...and surely I can't be the only one bothered by the fact that she doesn't even WEAR any jeans until the last half minute. An entire song about jeans sung in a skirt.
<spoiler=Bonus Footage><youtube=oeLdJBpuOXs>
2: "Freakout" by Chainmale as suggested by BreakfastMan
I've done an inordinate of terrifying research (protip: DO NOT Google "chainmale" without the word "musician"), but the man is gone. He showed up in the 80s, released three videos, and then vanished into the night.
It's tragic, really. I'd love to have seen more utter chaos like this:
<youtube=O_SRJHsjHhk>
You know you're in for a treat when your song opens with a crying baby.
The chorus and hook are all that exist: Just a repeated rambunctious "FREAAAKOUT FREAAAAKOUT FREAKOUT! FREAKOUT!" which may or may not be on beat overlaid by his own agonized howls, followed by a much quieter "Tell me what the matter is tell me what the matter is tell me tell me tell me what the matter is". All of it is set to directionless drums and incredibly overwrought synths with too much reverb and too much chromatic scaling.
As my friend said upon hear the song: "The is the prog-rockiest thing I've ever heard."
The video is a thing of beauty: It's merely Chainmale alternately dancing/completely spazzing out while overlaid on himself and close-upping the camera while looking like the genie from a low-budget high school production of Aladdin. It's chaos in video form.
Then he starts humping an invisible mime-box.
As incredibly and obviously terrible as the song is, I can't help but like it - nay, LOVE it. It completely achieved what it set out to do (emulate having a nervous breakdown) and Chainmale actually seems invested in what he's doing. RIP, Chainmale's career. I'll miss you, even though I knew you for only an hour. ;___;
3: "Admiral Byrd's Expedition" by Skull and Bones as suggested by BreakfastMan.
Oh. My.
In 2005, Brazilian Carlos Spartacus (<---YES) started a band called Skull and Bones. It's ostensibly a metal band, heavily influenced by Spartacus' New-Age spiritualism and Freemason/Magus status (ie. he casts spells) and tendency to investigate and believe conspiracy theories. Their second album, "The Secret History of the World", therefore, turned out to be a fascinating thing indeed.
<youtube=uteiCE02xWQ>
Mein. Gott.
There is no part of the song that works aside from possibly the drums. As the song opens, you hear a simple and poorly executed guitar riff that repeats for most of the song. When the singer bursts in, he's so slurred and poorly mixed that you can barely make out his words. The guitar solo is better than the rest, but it's still limp and lame. The chorus and the verses seem to written in entirely different keys, and there's no transition between the two.
It's a total mess.
The band-side doesn't help things. The bassist looks permanently bored, the guitarist never looks towards the camera, and the drummer jumps in and out of an army suit at random. The poor singer is trying to look and sound passionate, but he just sounds constipated.
I won't even try to explain the mindscrew that is the video. I cannot do it justice. It's like The Amazing Bulk: You have to watch it to comprehend it.
After watching the video, you may be wondering what was with those uber-detailed planes, UFOs, explosions and flames engulfing the band. Well, here's a brief history lesson.
At the very beginning of 1947, Admiral Richard Byrd arrived at the Antarctic and spent half a year coordinating a flagship, an aircraft carrier, 13 support ships, six helicopters, and over twenty airplanes, as well as 4000 personnel in "Operation Highjump". The official story is, of course, that they mapped out a huge chunk of the terrain (half the size of the United States) and discovered a large array of mountain ranges.
Carlos Sparticus is not convinced. No, you see: Operation Highjump was actually an assault on Hitler's antarctic base.
And it failed, because Hitler had befriended aliens.
That's what changes this from a bafflingly awful song to a brilliantly awful one: The insane lyrics.
Their target was
Neuschwabenland base
Hitler's nest
Station two hundred eleven
Camouflaged as a mountain
Yes.
They were prepared
Nuclear submarines,
Death rays,
Flying saucers, lasers
They were repelled
YES.
Planes dropped like flies
Fire raining in the skies
Heavy losses
Operation high jump
Ended sooner than expected
It's like every fever dream I had as a kid, combined. And it's marvelous. Terrible and sobering, but marvelous.
Please make suggestions for what other awful, terribad songs I should review, and I'll do it. Hope you enjoyed these!
"So guys!" says I. "I finally don't have to panic constantly about school, so I think I can do a review or a few!" And so I told the Brovengers that I'd review the first three awful songs they recommended.
They delivered. ;____;
So without further ado, let's dive in!
1: "My Jeans" by Jenna Rose feat. Baby Triggy as suggested by Marter
In 2010, Jenna Rose Swerdlow was a standard giggly middle-schooler with a startlingly strong set of pipes. At the tender age of barely 12, she starred in her first music video.
<youtube=0XMy9WeI_fw>
The internet didn't like it.
Let's start with the obvious: There's is no reason for the song to start with a grinding synth and someone screaming like their throats being rolled out with a rolling pin, only to knock out four beats and then instantly switch to autotuned bubblegum pop. That's the kind of schtick that Weird Al might try in one of his original songs.
That's not to say the bubblegum pop sound really any better. It's not a total carwreck of a backing tune, really, just flat and uninteresting (with a single "woh woh woh" uberpitch warble to remind you that you're not listening to anything well-designed). Of course, it's a good thing that it's uninteresting, because we wouldn't want it distracting from the... uh... "melody"!
Who WROTE that wretched melody anyways? It's like someone recorded a small baby punching a keyboard with all its might and then polished the sound. Oh, "Baby Triggy", eh? We'll get to him later.
Lyrically, the song is pretty much exactly what you expect from a twelve-year-old. It's irritatingly literal and step-by-step at first until the baffling third verse. Essentially, she turns on the TV and finds out that she tried on a pair of jeans that are now hot stuff with celebrities. The video compliments this with a massive swarm of groupies friends that dedicate their entire morning to squealing and watching Jenna look at jeans. It's banal and dull to the point of embarrassment.
We're not even going to touch the "12-year-old driving a car brimming with squealing girls" part.
At the end of the second verse we're treated to the first of two rap verses by a 14-year-old black kid in a jungle-explorer hat and his tag-along friend. They're actually not that bad, the flow and rhythm is fine, although the lyrics are not improved, which makes sense considering the guy WROTE this song.
So, Baby Triggy, how to you excuse this?
A B C
1 2 3
That girl wore her jeans like me
I bet she's mad, 'cuz I look fab
ha ha ha ha
jack my swag
DEFEND YOURSELF.
sticks and stones may break my bones
but mine look new and hers just look so o-o-old!
Jenna herself is frustrating. She actually has the correct mouth structure and singing technique... to belt something loud. Maybe an opera, maybe an epic choir piece, anything other than My Jeans, really. She doesn't approach it right, and so in the video, it just doesn't look like she's lipsynching right. Her expressiveness also needs work as it's overwrought, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she's not very good at it yet because she's barely twelve.
The thing that it all comes back down to that makes this song so grating is that it's such an incredibly self-centered one. The second and final choruses are overly extended and echo "me - me - me - me - me" over and over, and it really sums up the problem with the song lyrically. Musically, it's a dud. Altogether, it's a miserable failure... albeit an interesting one.
...and surely I can't be the only one bothered by the fact that she doesn't even WEAR any jeans until the last half minute. An entire song about jeans sung in a skirt.
<spoiler=Bonus Footage><youtube=oeLdJBpuOXs>
2: "Freakout" by Chainmale as suggested by BreakfastMan
I've done an inordinate of terrifying research (protip: DO NOT Google "chainmale" without the word "musician"), but the man is gone. He showed up in the 80s, released three videos, and then vanished into the night.
It's tragic, really. I'd love to have seen more utter chaos like this:
<youtube=O_SRJHsjHhk>
You know you're in for a treat when your song opens with a crying baby.
The chorus and hook are all that exist: Just a repeated rambunctious "FREAAAKOUT FREAAAAKOUT FREAKOUT! FREAKOUT!" which may or may not be on beat overlaid by his own agonized howls, followed by a much quieter "Tell me what the matter is tell me what the matter is tell me tell me tell me what the matter is". All of it is set to directionless drums and incredibly overwrought synths with too much reverb and too much chromatic scaling.
As my friend said upon hear the song: "The is the prog-rockiest thing I've ever heard."
The video is a thing of beauty: It's merely Chainmale alternately dancing/completely spazzing out while overlaid on himself and close-upping the camera while looking like the genie from a low-budget high school production of Aladdin. It's chaos in video form.
Then he starts humping an invisible mime-box.
As incredibly and obviously terrible as the song is, I can't help but like it - nay, LOVE it. It completely achieved what it set out to do (emulate having a nervous breakdown) and Chainmale actually seems invested in what he's doing. RIP, Chainmale's career. I'll miss you, even though I knew you for only an hour. ;___;
3: "Admiral Byrd's Expedition" by Skull and Bones as suggested by BreakfastMan.
Oh. My.
In 2005, Brazilian Carlos Spartacus (<---YES) started a band called Skull and Bones. It's ostensibly a metal band, heavily influenced by Spartacus' New-Age spiritualism and Freemason/Magus status (ie. he casts spells) and tendency to investigate and believe conspiracy theories. Their second album, "The Secret History of the World", therefore, turned out to be a fascinating thing indeed.
<youtube=uteiCE02xWQ>
Mein. Gott.
There is no part of the song that works aside from possibly the drums. As the song opens, you hear a simple and poorly executed guitar riff that repeats for most of the song. When the singer bursts in, he's so slurred and poorly mixed that you can barely make out his words. The guitar solo is better than the rest, but it's still limp and lame. The chorus and the verses seem to written in entirely different keys, and there's no transition between the two.
It's a total mess.
The band-side doesn't help things. The bassist looks permanently bored, the guitarist never looks towards the camera, and the drummer jumps in and out of an army suit at random. The poor singer is trying to look and sound passionate, but he just sounds constipated.
I won't even try to explain the mindscrew that is the video. I cannot do it justice. It's like The Amazing Bulk: You have to watch it to comprehend it.
After watching the video, you may be wondering what was with those uber-detailed planes, UFOs, explosions and flames engulfing the band. Well, here's a brief history lesson.
At the very beginning of 1947, Admiral Richard Byrd arrived at the Antarctic and spent half a year coordinating a flagship, an aircraft carrier, 13 support ships, six helicopters, and over twenty airplanes, as well as 4000 personnel in "Operation Highjump". The official story is, of course, that they mapped out a huge chunk of the terrain (half the size of the United States) and discovered a large array of mountain ranges.
Carlos Sparticus is not convinced. No, you see: Operation Highjump was actually an assault on Hitler's antarctic base.
And it failed, because Hitler had befriended aliens.
That's what changes this from a bafflingly awful song to a brilliantly awful one: The insane lyrics.
Their target was
Neuschwabenland base
Hitler's nest
Station two hundred eleven
Camouflaged as a mountain
Yes.
They were prepared
Nuclear submarines,
Death rays,
Flying saucers, lasers
They were repelled
YES.
Planes dropped like flies
Fire raining in the skies
Heavy losses
Operation high jump
Ended sooner than expected
It's like every fever dream I had as a kid, combined. And it's marvelous. Terrible and sobering, but marvelous.
Please make suggestions for what other awful, terribad songs I should review, and I'll do it. Hope you enjoyed these!
