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- Thread starter CommissarOridium
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well, I finished 2 pages now, and I have some notes about what I read so far (which I preffer to remember):
1. the wording in the first page was pretty... off... it just felt like the words used detail the story werent very appropriate...
note that I only felt the wording for the first page was like this... the second page was fine
2. the lampshading in the second page, with the death of the parents, seemed out of place... maybe you could have given a couple of sentences so it wont feel forced onto the world (how shall I put it plainly, it breaks the fourth wall a bit too much)
same goes to the "orange or blue" part...
other then that, interesting story and world so far, if a bit hard to get into
EDIT: also, in the third page, fourth paragraph...
please, please change the phrasing...
I dont want to sound mean or anything, but it sound like you're trying extremly hard to establish a difference from some fan-fic and the like (you should probably understand what Im talking about)...
1. the wording in the first page was pretty... off... it just felt like the words used detail the story werent very appropriate...
note that I only felt the wording for the first page was like this... the second page was fine
2. the lampshading in the second page, with the death of the parents, seemed out of place... maybe you could have given a couple of sentences so it wont feel forced onto the world (how shall I put it plainly, it breaks the fourth wall a bit too much)
same goes to the "orange or blue" part...
other then that, interesting story and world so far, if a bit hard to get into
EDIT: also, in the third page, fourth paragraph...
please, please change the phrasing...
I dont want to sound mean or anything, but it sound like you're trying extremly hard to establish a difference from some fan-fic and the like (you should probably understand what Im talking about)...
that response made no sense...
anyway, I finished reading a few minutes ago, and I dont think theres anything more I can say other then what I just said...
the story is interesting and pretty funny in the parts where it means to, and except the things mentioned above I have no problems at all with the writing...
now, this is the prologue you say?
anyway, I finished reading a few minutes ago, and I dont think theres anything more I can say other then what I just said...
the story is interesting and pretty funny in the parts where it means to, and except the things mentioned above I have no problems at all with the writing...
now, this is the prologue you say?