Lessons to teach men with absent fathers

[the December King]

And while I agree with the fact that the parents should love guide and care for the child, I believe an experience shared is worth more. EDIT: Sorry, worth more than google and crib notes.

Why? I'd rather have a father who looked up the google and crib notes in order to tell me that, no, I don't have to bleed the first time I have sex. The hymen breaking is a myth, and if you take it slowly and gently it doesn't need to hurt. Compared to a mother who tells me that it's going to horrible and painful because that's how it was for her, and assumes that's how it's meant to be.

Her experience is still valuable. I'd want to hear her share it, so that I could better understand what it was like for her, and why she is the way she is.

But it certainly is an example to consider, manic_depressive13.

 

[the December King]

I dunno. I feel like it's taken a turn in this thread to suggest those of us with no dad are fundamentally missing something. I never felt that way.
And I just want to say to my fellow single-parented dudes and dudettes, it's cool to not feel like you lost out. There's nothing wrong with being okay.

I'm sorry that I was giving this impression, Phasmal, but I certainly didn't mean to disparage anyone who grew up in single-parent families. I certainly don't think, and didn't mean to imply from my posts, that I'm better than anyone. I was trying to say that fathers are not useless and extraneous, and a father figure being absent usually has some sort of impact.

 

[the December King]

Actually, I want to offer an apology to the thread. I must have misjudged the tone and injected the whole "fathers are useless and unnecessary" on my own. Part of it comes from a sensitivity to my current situation, I'm sure.

In all seriousness, I'll check my privilege.

 

[Darkness665]

I had a "Disney Land Dad" (as my Mum liked to call him) where I would go over to his house every two weeks and do nothing but fun stuff because parenting is hard.

Luckily, my Mum was incredibly capable and handled it like a champ. All the "Dad" stuff (like respecting women, don't hit unless you are forced to defend yourself, sportsmanship, how to wrestle a live grizzly bear; the usual) were handled by her.

Honestly, the only thing that she didn't really handle that would have been VERY nice to have the first time was how to (properly) shave. My poor...poor face

EDIT: Well this thread took one hell of a unexpected turn...

And quite a turn it was.

However, as to your Mum - congratulations. And sorry about the shaving. My dad wasn't very helpful with the whole shaving bit even though I had two of them, my Father and my step-dad was Dad. Luckily my beard was a slow starter and not a dense forest like my brother was gifted with.

With both a Father and a Dad I got two very different male models. One said to aim for the stars because you would certainly hit the moon. While the other explained that putting the roof over their heads, food on the table and clothes on their backs was my responsibility. And don't forget the shoes. All in all a well balanced combination.

 

[chuckman1]

It would be the same if a daughter only had a father to talk about menstruation, for example- not ideal, but hopefully sufficient, and further enhanced with an Aunt or another party.

What's the problem with that? I never even had a discussion about periods with my mother. Everything I needed to know had been explained in an info day we got in primary school about puberty. That being: "Blood will start leaking out of your vagina and you'll need something to soak it up. It might hurt it might not."

Something I'd argue a man is just as qualified to convey as a woman.

This is exactly what I'm talking about, for uniquely "female" experiences all a man can do is give the hard facts. He can't say "Now when I went through this it made me feel... and that's ok for you to feel"

Much as it's hard for a momm to tell her son how to deal with things she statistically, didn't deal with.
Dealing with bullies, women tend to hurt each other with words. There are women bullies and female fights but female fights often are consensual it seems.

They have dealt with a uniquely female form of bullying which didn't walk up to you, call you a ******, throw you against a wall then continue hurting you "Say your my *****" essentially telling you to relinquish all respect others have for you and give up your "manliness".

 

[manic_depressive13]

This is exactly what I'm talking about, for uniquely "female" experiences all a man can do is give the hard facts. He can't say "Now when I went through this it made me feel... and that's ok for you to feel"

To be honest I don't think most people need that kind of hand holding. I'm pretty sure how girls feel about their period is exactly what anyone would expect- "Well fuck".

That's a lot more generalising again. What happens if your dad wasn't bullied, or his experience with bullying doesn't translate to your own? Why are you so eager to believe that just because he is male, his experiences will be relevant to yours?

 

[LetalisK]

Well, there's good reason to believe that it's healthy for boys to have a positive male influence when growing up. I covered some of psychological aspect in training for a past job and without going into too much detail, essentially boys have an extra developmental stage between the ages of six and twelve where they strongly attach to masculinity and father / older brother / uncle type figures, whilst trying to disassociate from anything perceived feminine. Think of it as the superheroes, pro-wrestling, play-fighting and 'ew girls have cooties' stage. At this stage boys imitate the men around them to learn how to be a man, what gets learned is more difficult to unlearn in later life which is a reason domestic violence and abuse often unfortunately run in families.

And even if none of this was applicable, just having another set of hands to help out(assuming they're half-way responsible) is an exponential welfare multiplier. What you said does beg the question though: what happens in a lesbian relationship? Or a marriage with a more feminine male? I personally think that simply having two parents regardless of sex is the most important aspect, but I'm not familiar with how a lack of masculinity in the relationship could effect things.

 

[contagonist]

To those who don't have a father:

You're not missing anything special. A father isn't some magical, mysterious titan with gifts of wisdom, cash and discipline who is here to make you socially acceptable. If he wasn't around to raise you, he's either been killed by this cruel world or is just one more source of cruelty within it, and his absence is a blessing that too many did without.

The world's coming apart at the seams and the man who cummed in your mother's vagina nine months before you were born isn't going to fix it for you, or fix you for it.