Letters to Skyrim

[violent_quiche]

Dear Townsfolk Of Dawnstar/Winterhold/Markarth/Everywhere Else/Forsworn Raider Attacking While Fire Rains From The Sky

THERE! A DRAGON! ATTACKING US! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN FUCKING SEE IT???

Don't worry, I killed it. That dragon. You know, the large pile of bones over there that used to be a dragon attacking your village, before I killed it and absorbed its essence. WERE YOU EVEN WATCHING???? No old lady, I didn't come to speak to you, I was too busy KILLING A FUCKING DRAGON FOR YOU.

You people make me sick

Syrio, Imperial Department of Damage Control

 

[anthony87]

Dear Skyrim,

While exploring your wonderful land I have made the observation that perhaps the reason you have so many bandit clans running about is because of a poor education system. For when even a wild beast knows to attack the immediate threat in an encounter(ie. A FUCKING DRAGON),whereas a bandit will continue to harass me as I am in fact trying to save him from the flying, fire breathing death lizard I can't help but feel that said bandit has been very poorly educated.

Sincerly,

A Dovahkiin who is waste deep in the blood of many thousands of dim-witted bandits.

P.S.

Is it too much to ask that you impliment some sort of escalator-like system? As much as I enjoy your land, some of your mountains are right bastards to climb and this is coming from a cat!

 

[Jovip]

Dear skyrim.

Please give me the ability so tell your stupid clingy citizens that i don't want and or need there help in any of the adventures. i understand they want to feel important. But i honestly do not care in the slightest. I shall liberate every fort myself because the imperial guards have the conservative standing power of a cardboard box stuffed with tampons. That world eater, i have legitimately had more difficulty trying to buy extra stuff for my house, i mean really dragons aren't tough when they are attacking 3 different people and the final battle, the soul ending boss battle was fought on a road...seriously?

Yours truly
Someone who really doesn't play well with others, Vincent.

 

[Drakmorg]

Dear Citizens of Skyrim,

HAHA! Twas I who stole all of your possessions. Maybe if you wanted to keep all of your things, you should learn that putting buckets on peoples heads is not a Khajiit custom. I'm assuming that's what you all thought and just didn't want to be rude or culturally insensitive (which was strange considering how racist most of you seemed at the time). I was just doing that so you wouldn't notice me stealing your things.

Sincerely,
Dovahkitty

P.S. That's not my real name, I was lying to you all.

 

[babinro]

Dear Skyrim,

I regret to inform you that I'm the reason the cost of Goblets has skyrocketed. In the future, please consider my taking this trinket a crime so that I don't horde them. As an apology, please accept 124 iron daggers as repayment.

Sincerely,

Someone who is apparently going to be your hero.

 

[ZeroMachine]

Dear Skyrim.

What the fuck do you feed your kids?

Signed,
Impressed With Your Long Life Spans

P.S. At least you have kids, unlike Cyrodil.

 

[J-meMalone]

Dear Skyrim,

Upon returning to my homeland I was rather bewildered to find Dragons were now soaring the skies, which I do not remember from when I left. What confused me further is the apparent fear towards these dragons, despite the bears and giants which walked the lands before being much more potent threats being outright ignored.

Yours sincerely,
A rather confused Nord.

 

[nokori3byo]

Dear Citizens of Skyrim,

Your concern for my health is touching.

I'm fine, really.

Coridally,
Dromneath (clean, sober, and rattles-free since the 7th of Heartfire)

 

[1-up]

Dear Skyrim,

I would like to call your attention to the dire straits of your education system. During my visit, I could find little to no evidence of formal education among the youth of your cities. Most of their time was spent lounging about and being disrespectful of their elders. I understand that your communities value the quiet life of rural farming, but quite frankly something must be done! Evidence of this lack of formal education is expressed quite acutely in the atrocious understanding of supply and demand economics displayed by your local merchants as well as the rampant superstition among the average townsfolk.

Additionally, I had the opportunity to visit a venue of higher education in your fine country. Apparently, it is the ONLY venue of higher education, as it has adopted the delightfully singular title of "The College". I was most distressed at the state I found your institution of learning. While I appreciate that they have a nominal entrance examination, the college itself appears to be more of a flophouse than university. Nine students in a snowy mountain castle are more fitting for the set of a poor quality horror movie than an ivory tower. Additionally, the tenure process is shady at best. While I had initially feared a rousing game of "spin the bottle" would determine placement, it instead turned out to be a scavenger hunt. I myself managed to become arch-mage within mere days of my initial visit, an honor bestowed I suspect more due to my tolerance of long walks than a particular magical aptitude.

I would propose an organized and intentional government indoctrination program regarding the benefits of education, both basic and higher. Perhaps that would remove some of the urchins from the streets and discourage local authority figures from referring to me as "that mage" from "that college" - apologies, "the college".

With Warmest Regards,

Arch-Mage

 

[Professor Lupin Madblood]

Dear Citizens of Riverwood,

I am sorry that I burnt one of your chickens to death. I well and truly am.

However, given that the guards in the town had several hours in which to arrest me and did not, I thought I was in the clear and that you had generally realized that it was, y'know, a fucking chicken.

Needless to say, I was, upon my return from the depths of Bleak Fall Barrows, rather surprised to see the town blacksmith charging towards me with a battleaxe roughly the size of Cyrodiil. I tried to reason with him, but he was insatiable in his thirst for blood. Fortunately for me, he was satiable in his thirst for magical fire. Unfortunately, he chose to submit to my tender mercies with roughly .000000073 points of health left, and promptly burned to death before I could stop burning him to death.

I realize that my people do not have much love in the lands of Skyrim, but I hardly think that you have any right to complain about the Empire's incompetence when you equate a single chicken to bloody murder.

Sincerely,
A very frustrated Imperial
---------
Dear Guardsmen of Riverwood,

If I am attacked by three armed mercenaries in broad daylight in the middle of the street for no adequately explained reason, it seems that it would be more conducive to the town's overall peace and prosperity if these men were fed the business end of a sword instead of allowed to run wild and murder the saviour of Skyrim in cold blood.

I stole a couple bottles of piss-poor ale from a man in Solitude. This is ridiculous.

Sincerely,
Thane of Whiterun
---------

Dear Lydia,

Get the fuck out of my house. You have a room at Dragonsreach and I do not want to share a house (which I paid for and furnished in its entirety) with someone who has trouble with the concept of "stay here".

Sincerely,
Your intellectual superior

 

[karloss01]

Dear Karita,

I have written to inquire upon the reason you sent a trio of thugs to kill me. Despite what the letter claims I have not yet been acquainted with you nor have I visited Dawnstar making it impossible for me to steal anything you have ownership over.

I would recommend informing the guild you had hired these ?professionals? from that they can locate their newly deceased brethren in front of the entrance to Swindler's Den (a fitting location may I add) stripped of all war gear.

If by chance my name has reached Dawnstar and you wished to in fact give me three full suits of iron armor and along with three steel weapons, shield, gold and several potions, then may I suggest that you write you?re instructions more clearly next time.

Sincerely,

Geth Frostbane, Nord Warrior.

 

[J4RD]

Dear Skyrim,

As someone with... Ah, experience with your legal system, might I recommend a little harsher punishment for murder? Not that I'm complaining, but four thousand Septims seems a bit light of a fee for the murder of the Emperor's sister/cousin/relative thing as well as anyone within fifteen feet of her, at least two guards, and a handfull of innocent bystanders with the bad luck to be standing in my- er, the assassin's way. While I'm *glad* he was caught, I can't help but suspect foul play on the part of the authorities when he walked free not an hour later.

Also, some people just have hairy ears. I don't appreciate your guards utter lack of tact.

Sincerely,
Not the High Elf you're looking for.

 

[Jaeke]

Dear Shadowmere,

Thanks for the airborne getaway.

Sincerely, your owner that didnt get eaten by a dragon (sooner).

 

[Right Hook]

Dear Skyrim,

I have been vacationing in your lands for many weeks now and have come to love certain aspects of the land while I loathe others. First off your citizens are extremely presumptuous, why does it seem every other one of them is in dire need of something? While I'm on that subject has everyone randomly lost a family heirloom in a cave, crypt or ruin filled with angry denizens? Why can't your citizens take care of their priceless treasures that they only see fit to compensate me with a few hundred gold after I rescue it from the clutches of dozens of skeletons? Oddly enough for being so frail and unable to recover their own items a great many of them appear to be unable to die! What kind of treachery is this? Have your citizens given themselves over to some daedra god en masse?

Love, a confused Breton

P.S. Why is it that I can kill these supposedly nigh invincible dragons without breaking a sweat but a bandit leader with a two handed axe has completely handed my arse to me? Maybe he should be your champion.

 

[Sagacious Zhu]

Dear Skyrim,

See you soon

Sincerely

The Aldmeri Dominion

---

 

[Kiju]

Dear Skyrim,

Why are you a racist bastard?

Yours truly,
The other half of the world

 

[Alphakirby]

Dear Skyrim,
I had to choose between you and Saints Row The Third, I chose Saints Row The Third.
I could not care any less about you, maybe it's the ridiculous amounts of hype you have gotten and still do despite being out for over a week now. I never cared about you and I probably never will, as long as people keep preaching you as some gift from the gods, I will not care about you due to the astronomically high expectations everyone sets up, knowing damn well it will never reach those expectations.

Sincerely,
Tristen

 

[Alcamonic]

Dear Skyrim,

I met a nice wondered that came into my shop the other day. After he willingly accepted to help me with my fetch quest, we became the bestest of friends. He then proceeded to loot all my belongings, and never visit me again.
I am now poor, no store left and my wife left me.

With sad regards,
An ex-shopkeeper.