Letters to Skyrim

[Mekado]

Dear Skyrim,

Give us the Creation kit already, pretty please ?

- A Mod-starved citizen

 

[thahat]

Dear Corpses of Skyrim

You are dead and there is no way my arrows are embedded that deeply within your face that i should be unable to retrieve them. in short: release my arrows, they are quite expensive.

Sincerely,
Risa

P.S: please stay dead, i dont want to lose anymore arrows through those oblivion gates you call eye sockets.

I'm pretty sure that has to do with the chance that the arrow head could break on contact with bones or skull, rendering it useless

and yet i can shoot the same arrow into a wooden pole over and over and it'll be fine. D8

Wood is softer than bone :3

But I get your point, but without it anyone could get by on a single arrow, and that would be kind of ridiculous

add a 10-20% chance for it to shatter and let you get back the broken arrow in inventory?
or arrowheads or something whatever.

 

[VehemensDecor]

Dear Skyrim,

Would the four Louis Letrush please be moved from the Whiterun Stables?

They get in the way when I want to get on my horse.

Yours faithfully,

Thorfast.

 

[white_salad]

Dear everything male I kill,

I'm sorry that I make sure to always aim for your genitalia, it's just that nothing is funnier than seeing dead bodies with an arrow or two sticking out of the unfortunate victims crotch area. Maybe you should invest in codpieces,

Yours sincerely,
The Visectonator.

P.S If people could call me The Visectonator instead of Dovaakhin that'd be greeaaaat.

 

[BlueInkAlchemist]

Dear Skyrim,

How dare you.

You built this game all wrong. Why aren't you holding my hand at every opportunity to make sure I don't miss anything? Where's the support character that embodies the worst parts of a cultural stereotype yammering at me to get on with the linear plot? Why isn't my character as implacably invincible and blandly stoic as Master Chief? I'm also somewhat distressed by the lack of women wearing cleavage-popping outfits managing the seemingly impossible feat of sticking their asses and tits out at the same time while duckfacing like crazy. My lack of erection is not pleased.

I want my money back.

Sincerely,
A Troll

PS All of the skulls of my brethren laying around is highly offensive. I will be filing a lawsuit regarding this slander immediately.

 

[sage42]

Dear Blacksmith's of Skyrim,

Why haven't you spread the word among the other provinces that your maces can decapitate people, cleanly I might add. The profit from selling such maces could bolster the economy immensely, providing the Empire with the income it needs to push back the Alamari Dominion. Or Hells, just used the damn things and you'll win anyway.

sincerely,
Muldoon the clever, Harbinger of the Companions, Dragonborn.

P.S. still waiting on the change in temperature.

 

[ZeroMachine]

Dear Markarth Guard,

I was in the middle of defending myself in a brawl. It isn't my fault you walked your face into my fist mid swing.

Sincerely,
Glad Your Assault and Battery Fines Are So Low

P.S. Your town name makes me think of the South Park episode with the aliens that call everything "Marklar".

(Best thread idea. Ever. Forever.)

EDIT:

Dear Skyrim,

Why is it that the best pension plan you can provide for adventurer's is guard duty?

Sincerely,
A concerned Adventurer

Dear A concerned Adventurer,

Because some maniac has a bow and grudge against adventurers knees. And he gets around.

Sincerely,
Skyrim.

OH COME ON.

I'm sick. I nearly threw up this morning.

WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME LAUGH SO HARD.

Meanie

 

[ZeroMachine]

EDIT: Whoops, double post. My bad.

 

[ShindoL Shill]

Dear Skyrim,
What did you do with Shadowmere?! One day he just wasn't there and I honestly cried for quite some time. Your reality bending rules randomly ate my horse!
Sincerely, someone who has lost his most powerful ally, best form of transportation, and best friend

but what about Maurice!

Dear Skyrim,

I kindly suggest more tourism advertising based on your seemingly random bending of physics law which could be a nice subject for study by the Mages guild, scholars and travelers.

Also, i'd recommend producing birth control devices so that unnecessary annoying kids are no longer produced.

And also, add toilets to your homes, after visiting half of your country i still didn't find a bathroom, i mean, do you have va-poo-rizing underwear or you simply don't need to eject residues.

Sincerely yours , an amused giant hunter and part-time astronaut

you must've never heard of privvies.
good for you.

 

[El Poncho]

Dear Skyrim,

I hired a horse from your fine country, since you have implemented flying to these horse the least you could do is help them survive the landing!

Sincerely, A surprised tourist.

You pirated the game, it's okay, we know

Eh no I didn't?

 

[King of the Sandbox]

Dear Skyrim,

How dare you.

You built this game all wrong. Why aren't you holding my hand at every opportunity to make sure I don't miss anything? Where's the support character that embodies the worst parts of a cultural stereotype yammering at me to get on with the linear plot? Why isn't my character as implacably invincible and blandly stoic as Master Chief? I'm also somewhat distressed by the lack of women wearing cleavage-popping outfits managing the seemingly impossible feat of sticking their asses and tits out at the same time while duckfacing like crazy. My lack of erection is not pleased.

I want my money back.

Sincerely,
A Troll

PS All of the skulls of my brethren laying around is highly offensive. I will be filing a lawsuit regarding this slander immediately.

I lost it at 'duckfacing'.

Ho, man, did I mention I love this thread? Because I do. Please never stop.

 

[King of the Sandbox]

Dear Skyrim,

On a recent vacation to your fine land I had my trip completely ruined. I was minding my own business burning town a tower when all of a sudden a Dovahkiin (a dragonborn if you do not speak Dragonish) came along, killed me and absorbed my soul. I would appreciate if measures were taken to restrain your Dovahkiins in the future.

Sincerely, Mirmulnir

Man, this thread needs to be sent to Bethesda. Somebody get on that.

 

[targren]

Dear Krosis,

Allow me to say that it truly is poor form to hit someone in the back with a fireball whilst he is engaged in mortal combat with a surly frost dragon. I would also like to point out that, if you do intend to continue in such cowardly behavior, you may wish to work on your aim, as I have no moral qualms about hiding behind a wall to lick my wounds while you and the overgrown gecko proceed to cream each other with opposing elements.

Sincerely,
Targren, The Potion-Quaffing Nord

P.S. The inside of your mask smells like stale Fritos wrapped in bacon. Soap, dude. It's your friend.

[hr]

Dear Magic College Admissions Board,

Might I humbly suggest that you tighten up your selection criteria? Ignoring the fact that I was granted tuition having never cast any spell other than simple Healing, I would point out that there seem to be a profoundly disproportionate number of bandits running around with what is obviously heavy magic training. Since these same thaumaturges don't have the wits to stop trying to kill me while I am protecting them from an angry, bandit-crunching dragon (Krosis was one in a past life, perhaps?), I can only assume that they are not, in fact, the most intelligent sophonts in Skyrim. Please invest in a more vigorous curriculum and stop handing war axes to toddlers.

Love and Kisses,
Targren, One-Man Bandit-Genocide

 

[TheLastSamurai14]

Dear Skyrim,

I admit it, I'm the one that keeps stealing your books. I can't help it, I crave knowledge. I will repay all afflicted parties as soon as I can come up with the funds.

That, or I'll shower you all with arrows. I'll have to think on that.

Sincerely,
Vayne Highwind, the Dunmer "Librarian"

P.S. I have a habit of stabbing the authorities in the legs with a dagger. Don't try to apprehend me, or you'll get some cool looking scars that are sure to impress your friends.

 

[0986875533423]

Dear Skyrim;

The tolerance and accomodation offered by your natives reached creepy levels at the point when I realised there is only one tradesman-type-profession who will not happily surrender their own sensitive apparatus and equipment to an armour-wearing amateur who kicks them off their shit.

Sincerely: A grizzly Dunmer.

Dear Skyrim's miners;

Please let me kick you off your shit.
Thank you.

Sincerely: A grizzly Dunmer.

Dear Thalmor

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it and it was a hurtful thing to do. It's just that you're all pious arseholes with a strangehold on my family's beloved empire and my preceding actions have caused you now all to attack me on sight, an action my maniacal fire mage blood compels me to reciprocate.

Love Dontincludemypeopleinyourracism (A grizzly Dunmer)

 

[RuralGamer]

Dear Skyrim

Why did my admission ticket arrive so soon before the start of my exams? And is there any basis in these wicked rumours I will be arrested for no good reason and threatened with beheading, only to be rescued by a dragon showing up and burning everyone.

I will arrive soon once my studies have concluded for a well earned break and I hope to find this not so.

Sincerely, a student

 

[Donnie Restad]

Dear Skyrim,

I would like to call your attention to the dire straits of your education system. During my visit, I could find little to no evidence of formal education among the youth of your cities. Most of their time was spent lounging about and being disrespectful of their elders. I understand that your communities value the quiet life of rural farming, but quite frankly something must be done! Evidence of this lack of formal education is expressed quite acutely in the atrocious understanding of supply and demand economics displayed by your local merchants as well as the rampant superstition among the average townsfolk.

Additionally, I had the opportunity to visit a venue of higher education in your fine country. Apparently, it is the ONLY venue of higher education, as it has adopted the delightfully singular title of "The College". I was most distressed at the state I found your institution of learning. While I appreciate that they have a nominal entrance examination, the college itself appears to be more of a flophouse than university. Nine students in a snowy mountain castle are more fitting for the set of a poor quality horror movie than an ivory tower. Additionally, the tenure process is shady at best. While I had initially feared a rousing game of "spin the bottle" would determine placement, it instead turned out to be a scavenger hunt. I myself managed to become arch-mage within mere days of my initial visit, an honor bestowed I suspect more due to my tolerance of long walks than a particular magical aptitude.

I would propose an organized and intentional government indoctrination program regarding the benefits of education, both basic and higher. Perhaps that would remove some of the urchins from the streets and discourage local authority figures from referring to me as "that mage" from "that college" - apologies, "the college".

With Warmest Regards,

Arch-Mage

Dear Arch-Mage

We in Solitude feel wholly offended that you seem to have overlooked another entirely legitimate college on the other side of the map. Yes, our entrance requirements are crap, but that's just because there's no system of primary education in this desolate, barren, northern wasteland.

Sincerely, the Bard's College



Dear Mammoths

How is it that you are not extinct? It's a cold, mountainous region, not the bloody Ice Age

Sincerely, a casual paleontologist



Dear Jarls

Regardless of who is right in your silly civil war, I think both sides really have to face a bitter truth: THERE ARE MORE BANDITS IN THIS BLOODY COUNTRY THAN LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS! I understand it must be very warm to have your head shoved so far up your ass, but when the majority of your people have taken to defecting BOTH the law AND the rebellion, I think a change of priorities is in order. Oh, wait, nevermind. I think I just killed them all.

Sincerely, the man who just saved absolutely everyone. Again.

 

[Retal19]

Dear Skyrim,
Please, please, no more Sabre Cats.
Love, The Wolfe Twins.
P.s. We would love if there was a law against Marrying while Drunk, and against Marrying Hagravens and similar Wild Fauna. It would have saved us a lot of bother.

 

[Muspelheim]

Dear Skyrim,

I recently found a calm, cool barrow with a ready access to those delicious bandits you keep providing us with. As a good mother spider, I webbed it up and layed my eggs.
But suddenly, and without provocation, I might add, I was rudely interrupted by a furry little vandal right as I hoisted myself down for dinner. That delinquent proceeded to set me ablaze and beat me senseless with his mace, leaving me for dead while he took my babies, set the dinner free and booked it.

Now I'm alone, beaten and singed, and I have to web all those tunnels back up and hope some new bandits move on in. Do you know that we, Arachnida Gigantus Horriblia, are an endangered species?! I expect the Khajiit to face a very hefty fine in the future, or the next brood I lay will be in your bed.

Sincerely, Mrs. Frostbite Spider.