Letters to Skyrim

[Adellebella]

Dear Skyrim,

What was that, Guard? Me? Nahh, I don't look familiar, I'm new to Skyr-...hm? I was the last person to what? The Gourmet? No, I didn't know the Emperor is in Skyrim...how lovely..

I will shoot you in the knee if you keep looking at me like that.

Regards,
Adellabella, Listener

 

[Kyri]

Dear Skyrim,
If you find more than a few dead bodies of Forsworn,
Thieves Guild members, Stormcloaks, Dark Brotherhood assasins, civilians,
and a bit of Imperials, please do not blame me.
Thank you,
Kyri
Thane of Whiterun and legendary Dragonborn

 

[Kyri]

Dear Skyrim,
If you find more than a few dead bodies of Forsworn,
Thieves Guild members, Stormcloaks, Dark Brotherhood assasins, civilians,
and a bit of Imperials, please do not blame me.
Thank you,
Kyri
Thane of Whiterun and legendary Dragonborn

 

[Rat-the-Dragonslayer]

Dear Skyrim,

I am worried about my wife in Riften. She's a lovely girl and I enjoy the income I get from her little shop but I'm worried she'll find out about my love for another...

You see, my true love is Lydia, my constant companion and battle partner. Lydia has been fighting by my side for weeks now and I've grown to love her dearly. I've even become accustomed to her frequent sarcasm when I ask her to do something for me.

I'm concerned that if my wife finds out I'm having an affair, she'll divorce me. What do you think I should do?

Yours sincerely
Ratters the Dragonslayer

 

[Scott Del Toro]

To Whom It May Concern,

I am eternally sorry for what happened. If you came here expecting to find an orc willing to sell you something called ?skooma? or something else, you will be greatly disappointed. While I was on my way up to High Hrothgar, the pig-headed dolt kept talking to me in circles about what he was willing to offer. At first, I thought he was some sort of sex worker looking to get rough and tumble in some bushes nearby. I don?t swing axes that direction, so I may have appeared standoffish. Then, he told me he was into selling some sort of weird drink. Having heard about the ?mixed drinks? made in Winterhold College, I was leery what this orc could have been up to.

Unsure of what ?product? he was rambling on about, and frightened he was looking for a lonely hook-up, I declined. The orc, as orcs are inclined to do I suppose, became defensive and militant. He couldn?t stand rejection and feared I may report him to authorities. In his frenzied irrationality, he tried to attack me. Terrible idea. Worst idea in his life.

In short, the orc?s dead, and I?ve got his skooma. If you want some, I?d be willing to hand it over gratis. My Dragonborn senses tell me that the orc might have micturated in his special batch to extend his production line. Otherwise, I would have tested some out on my housecarl Lydia to ?set the mood? while we?re on the trail. There?s fire under that armor of hers, and I like playing with fire.

Come find me, however, if you want the last of your drinks. Just don?t act like a trembling ninny.

~Cornelius G. Thundercock


lettersfromskyrim.wordpress.com

 

[squid5580]

Dear Skyrim

I planned on writing you a long letter but then I took an arrow to the knee

Sincerely
Random Guard #642

 

[Rivenart]

Dear Skyrim,

I sold you to a nation called Game, boy are they going to be mad when they realise all the problems that need to be fixed, deal of the century too, those fools paid me the massive sum of £18.50.

Goodbye,
Sten.

 

[backinthepresentfuture]

Dear skyrim,

Y U NO TRUST KHAJIIT/ELVES?

love,
a literate troll under a bridge.

 

[Erttheking]

Dear Skyrim

Every time I wipe out a pack of bandits another one crops up three days later. You have an army of undead warriors that rival even me in strength lying right beneath you, there are countless Dwemer automatons that seek to kill me, I have encountered several dragon priests that could kill me without even trying, I have also encountered witches, vampires, necromancers, even relics of the princes within your lands. How can you waste your men and resources on a petty civil war when an army of creatures large enough to overwhelm all you you dwells within your boarders!?

 

[Emperor Inferno]

Dear Al-Du-In,

We here in Sovngarde have taken a petition, and it is unanimously agreed: We would very much like you to stop eating our souls. Honestly, we're the good people, that's why we're here and not in Oblivion getting eaten by Dremora.

Now, we would like to make note, we're not complaining or trying to tell you off. In fact, quite the opposite. It is also unanimously agreed throughout Sovngarde that we should provide you with a suitable alternative. To that effect, I should write to inform you that directly adjacent to this wonderful realm of ours lie the hunting grounds of the Daedric Lord Hircine. To be certain, you, Alduin, immortal world-eater, are far more powerful than he, and we believe that his soul and those under his charge would be a far preferable choice for you to consume. The evil souls of Daedric champions are, after all, quite powerful and would prove most nourishing for you. And besides, we're good, they're evil. Better them than us.

Thank you, son of Akatosh, for your kind consideration.

Sincerely,
Ysgramor

 

[WhyBotherToTry]

Dear Skyrim,
During my time in your fine land it has become apparent that your education system is incredibly lacking and more opportunities for gainful employment are greatly needed as the number of your citizens that have taken up banditry is quite frankly alarming.
It would also seem that your people are somewhat lacking in self esteem, as I was able to marry a very nice young lady after simply donning a necklace and doing her one very minimal favour. Furthermore, your country seems to be a favoured spot of the evil gods of oblivion to communicate with passers by and hand out their weapons to them. Surely this matter warrants some investigation.
Lastly, there is one specific child in Whiterun whose case concerns me. She informed me on several occasions that she is forced to toil alongside her mother selling fruit and vegetables. While she admits to enjoying her work, she claims that said work is hard. A reform in child labour laws is clearly needed here.
Sincerely yours,
A concerned Dunmer.

P.S. While writing this letter I was accosted by a Khajiit who attempted to sell me Skooma. I was forced to render him unconscious and confiscate this harmful substance. The guards should be clamping down on the sale of addictive drugs instead of pestering me, the Arch-mage of the college of Winterhold to enchant their swords. If these men claim their weapons are incapable of cutting butter, a larger security allowance is required.