life is so....dull

[Stormz]

Hello fellow Escapists.

For the past 4 years, now going on 5. I've been living what I'd say is a horribly dull and uneventful life. I'm 16. So I've wasted a giant portion of my teenage life like this. I don't have any friends, I don't do drugs, party and have never had a girlfriend. I've been diagnosed with Social anxiety but never wanted that to stop me, unfortunately I think it has to an extent. I find it hard to talk to anyone and feel I don't connect with people at all. So for these past 4 years, I have not lived the life I want. I was homeschooled and just got back to school this year. I was hoping to make friends but that has failed miserably so far. I'm about fed up with this. I sit awake at night pondering what it would be like to be a social butterfly, to have tons of friends. I try not to let it get me down, but the fact of the matter is. I am down. I feel hopeless and lost. I feel incapable of doing anything about my situation at this point. It also doesn't help I really bad self esteem, surprised?

Any advice is welcome, and maybe some of you are in the same situation? though I really hope none of you are.

 

[Paragon Fury]

Get proffessional help. Therapy.

Most problems can either be helped or solced by that.

 

[spartan1077]

snip.

First off, don't do drugs or excessive drinking/sex because you think your life would be better with it. It will be shorter, but not better. Secondly, don't be pressured into a relationship for any reasons. I have only ever had one girlfriend, it ended badly and I wish I had never had that. Thirdly, having a lot of friends isn't the greatest thing in the world. A lot of friends is hard to do and is only portrayed in media(which is completely wrong). I also understand what you mean, I have a paranoia of social interactions(made a thread on it actually and they helped quite a bit) and what you have to do is just talk up to yourself. Right before approaching someone new, think to yourself how you are amazing and everyone wishes to be like you. I hoped that I have helped even a little.

Spoiler: Also some posts in this thread may help

This thread [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/538.248530-Social-Paranoia]

 

[GenericAmerican]

Drugs and drinking, not worth it. Girlfriend, you have the rest of your life to waste money on women, don't start now. And as for friends; why in the hell would anyone ever want to be the center of attention?

Being the center of attention may be fun for a little while, but after that it sucks because you realize all your 'friends' aren't really your friends.

I have 4 friends at school, and I am perfectly happy with it; rather have 4 real friends, than have the entire school pretend to be my friend.

 

[Pecoros7]

Hello fellow Escapists.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, but not even it wanted to hang out with me. I was diagnosed with social anxiety and chronic depression. I drank. I smoked unholy amounts of pot. I hung out with really stupid people because they were smoking, too. I tried as hard as I could to be a social butterfly, but it didn't work. I was aggressively attacking the symptoms of loneliness and boredom but not treating the problem.

One night after some particularly bad news, the weight of my depression and loneliness came down on me hard. I attempted suicide by crashing my car into a tree. It was only then that I was really ready for therapy. It helped more than I can possibly express. That was 8 years ago.

I learned a lot about myself and how to care for myself first and just let relationships happen. To this day I only have a few friends, but their friendship has meant more to me than I could ever hope to tell them. I still don't do very much socially, but I try to make what I do count. I have to force myself to get out of the house sometimes when my friends call, but it's almost always worth it.

I want you to understand this, so pay close attention: It gets better. You may need therapy, you may not. If you do, you have to be ready for it. It may help to get a prescription for your anxiety, but it won't fix everything for you. Just take it easy and wait for worthwhile friendships to come your way. Be careful not to let yourself make excuses not to get out of the house. Above all, remember that you don't have to be Barney Stinson to be awesome. Marshal Erikson is pretty damn awesome, too.

I hope my perspective helps in some way. Whatever you decide to do about your social life, try to make it count.

 

[Anarchemitis]

Be patient with life. Also, see if you can spend time with Dad, or other models of true manhood.

• Don't think of manhood being defined by the mass generalizations from which modern media portrays it to be;
  A real man is a fighter
  A real man is a stud
  A real man is a hunter and provider
  Real Authentic manhood is a lifelong pursuit and maintenance. Being able to maintain strong relationships with those you care about, such as close friends, and the ability to responsibly use your emotions in how you act are very important. Don't think of such advice as meaning "Get as many friends as you can" or "Control and/or surpress your emotions". How your heart governs your actions can be just as important as how your mind does.

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

snip

First off, dude, I'm the same way in regards to social stuff, and I'm almost 22. Some people are just introverted, there's nothing wrong with that.
Now the real stuff:
If there's one piece of advice that I had to pick from to give people in this forum (other than to see a doctor, that's not an insult. Those people know what they're doing), it's to start doing volunteer work. It seems weird, but one of the best ways to help yourself is to help others. For one thing, it will keep you occupied, and help with the dullness. You get to do a lot of really cool stuff when you're active with volunteer work. I spent three weeks this summer in Africa with my church, and I used to think similarly, that my life was empty and dull. (Important note, I'm not trying to convert you. Find an option that works for you and your beliefs.)

Also, you'll make friends. I know I said it's fine to be an introvert, and that's still true. But it never hurts to have a social safety net, you can have friends without going out clubbing every night. Besides, the kind of people that you'll meet are super nice, that's why they're there in the first place.

Finally, it will help your self esteem. I have no doubts that you are a good person, and important to a lot of people. However, having a concrete means of seeing this will help you feel better.

So, in short, see a doctor, join Habitat for Humanity. (or whatever)

EDIT: Add *Internet Hug* Sorry, I forgot it earlier.

 

[Imp Poster]

How are you and your relationship with your parents? I only ask if they are supportive and may know what you are going through. Maybe, they can help you out. What did they do in terms of physical activity? Good news is, you are not too old to do that. Join a sport at school. Good thing about that is, now they have sports to a science. There is a coach that can teach you what you need to know to be competitive. Whether it is just pitching, batting, quarterbacking, kicking a soccer ball, basketball shooting coach, golf swinging coach, etc. They even have a major in college that studies all that called kinesiology(the science dealing with the interrelationship of the physiological processes and anatomy of the human body with respect to movement). You got to pay for the extra coaching though and sometimes you may find you won't need the extra lessons.

If not that, then atleast join a club in high school. Don't they still atleast have a kewanis club or math/science/drama club?

 

[Zaik]

Not to that degree, but i wasn't particularly social until well after high school. I'd say the first thing that really cracked the shell was working at a shithole mcdonalds with a bunch of morons. I learned that I was right, everyone is damned dumb, but if we're going to be miserable, we might as well be miserable together.

However, i'd like to share with you one important fact. Your youth isn't some magical fun time where the law doesn't really apply and every day is a new possibility. That's a misconception caused by old people with critical levels of nostalgia for when they could still move without creaking and people who were social pros in high school and ended up on drugs/knocked up/dishonorably discharged/etc. because they never grew up. Being a kid sucks like you wouldn't believe. Here's a few examples:

-A lot of your constitutional privileges are denied to you while attending federally-mandated babysitting.(school)
-You can be tried as an adult for crimes while not having the rights of an adult(lol?)
-You are taxed without any representation if you work before you are 18(we sent Britain home for that crap)
-In any bad situation(car crash, suspect to a minor crime, etc.) you are guilty until proven innocent.
-Federal-mandated babysitters(school teachers)have the most ridiculous union on the face of the earth and are nearly immune to everything. As such, they can get away with doing pretty much anything that isn't sex related(they get owned even if they're innocent there).

You're really not missing out on a single damn thing. In fact, you're likely better off. Nothing you know now will mean anything when you're an adult, the way you socially interact with people will be entirely different, and a majority of your fond memories will most likely not have anything to do with anyone else anyway.

TLDR: Being a kid sucks and there's a reason why you all want to hurry up and get 18 and move the hell out of your parents house, and it isn't just because you know everything.

 

[dylanatthemovies]

Mate, you're sixteen. Of course your life is dull and boring. You couldn't pay me enough in Kim Kardashian's jiggly bits to go back to being sixteen.

As for social anxiety, if you've got no mates, join some clubs. Exercise and self-defense raise your confidence loads. You'll feel good, look good and not feel threatened by anyone. Plus meet a few good people (and probably a tonne of cocks but whatever.)

If lifes dull do something about it. When I was 18 I pissed off to Ireland on the banks money and hitch hiked around. And it was fucking quality. Sounds like you've got nothing to do, get a job.

 

[Stormz]

You may want to consider professional help. :3

Can I ask why your self esteem is bad? I can understand your condition, in a general standpoint (I do not have it, but I have seen how it can dictate someones actions and what they do/don't do) and for that I'd say it's tougher for you to do certain things then others, but I think the biggest issue may be your self esteem. Generally, social interaction requires you to present yourself to others, and in turn if you don't feel particularly well about who you are, then you most likely won't feel very comfortable around others because of how you see yourself, to a degree anyways. So yeah, what's up with your self esteem if you do not mind me asking?

The main reason is probably bullying that I dealt with through grades 2-7. That's why I left school in the first place. Though I also think it's just kind of who I am. I'm a negative person so have always had a lower opinion of myself then normal. I am trying to fix that but it's hard because of how long I've been like this. Therapy where I live is actually hard to get. We don't have many people who do that apparently so waiting lists are insanely huge.

How are you and your relationship with your parents? I only ask if they are supportive and may know what you are going through. Maybe, they can help you out. What did they do in terms of physical activity? Good news is, you are not too old to do that. Join a sport at school. Good thing about that is, now they have sports to a science. There is a coach that can teach you what you need to know to be competitive. Whether it is just pitching, batting, quarterbacking, kicking a soccer ball, basketball shooting coach, golf swinging coach, etc. They even have a major in college that studies all that called kinesiology(the science dealing with the interrelationship of the physiological processes and anatomy of the human body with respect to movement). You got to pay for the extra coaching though and sometimes you may find you won't need the extra lessons.

If not that, then atleast join a club in high school. Don't they still atleast have a kewanis club or math/science/drama club?

My parents are aware of it. I'm on medication for the anxiety, which helped with panic attacks, but they don't make it easier to interact with people. I love soccer and am considering joining the spring team, the thing with our school is it's all extremely competitive. It's not something that can be easily picked up. You have to be a good player to begin with pretty much. I like soccer but I wouldn't say I'm good enough to be competitive.

I'm in the Tech club and I have my first book club meeting tomorrow. The Tech club isn't very social so far. I mostly just talk to the leader, who tells you what to do. Not sure how the book club will turn out. I'll have to get back to you on that one.

 

[ultrachicken]

snip

Let me begin by saying that I have never been in your situation, so take anything I say with a pinch of salt.

People aren't as mean as you think they are. Everyone feels anxious when they're about to meet someone new. There's always that niggling doubt, or sometimes tugging doubt, that the person isn't going to like you, or is going to be mean to you. That is simply not how people work.

"Social Butterflies" are, in fact, extremely rare. Introverts with a small circle of friends are much more common. Don't set your sights too high, just make a single friend and expand from there.

You need to set up a mental barrier for yourself, to protect your self esteem. Recognize that, should someone insult you, there is a 99% chance that they're doing so because they have massive insecurities that they are projecting on to you.

Drugs and partying aren't for everyone. They certainly aren't for me.

A lot of homeschooled kids go through a phase similar to this, so you're not alone. If the problem persists, then you should see about therapy.

 

[Patrick Dare]

You're only 16, you're kind of locked in at a young age because even if your parents are pretty liberal you can't really do much. Depending on where you live you either could just start working at your age or maybe even can't work yet and there's not much you can do without money and there's also school. I've been feeling really trapped the past few years and wanted to just take off and travel but I was in college and felt I had a responsibility to finish because my parents were spending a lot to put me through it (and I figured I might as well just stick it out and get it done with). Even now that I'm out I can't do much because I haven't been able to find a job yet. I'm 22 and I've had some great opportunities but still haven't been able to do even a small portion of what I'd like to. So just relax and you'll get through it.

As some people have mentioned therapy may be a good idea for the social anxiety. It also might help to just talk to people, the more you do it the more used to it you'll get and the less awkward it'll be (this applies to girls too) and you also have to remember that just because a girl shoots you down or someone doesn't like you doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. If people in your school are being douche bags that really sucks and I'm sorry but keep in mind that it'll pass and when you graduate whether you go on to college or just get a job you'll be in a totally new group of people.

Also, I think part of it is probably just that you're 16, it's an awkward time and all those hormones can really fuck with you. I definitely felt a lot different, emotionally, then than I do now.

Since you mentioned drugs I'll just say this (and a note to everyone I am not condoning or advocating drug use) but if you're going to don't share needles, don't drive while under the influence and do some research on what you're using to make sure you're doing it in the safest possible manner (I know "there is no safe drug" but there are ways to minimize the risks) and proper doses.

"Social Butterflies" are, in fact, extremely rare. Introverts with a small circle of friends are much more common. Don't set your sights too high, just make a single friend and expand from there.

This too. Personally I prefer having a small group of friends.

 

[quiet_samurai]

I hear you ahve to kick someones ass the first day or become someones *****.

Oh wait yout talking about going to school.... right, my bad.

Joking aside, if it's as bad as you say there are places you can go for therapy and even recieve medication. Other then that, just put yourself out there, sounds werid, and difficult, but after you do it a few times it gets easier and easier... just try it.

And you are only sixtten, you have no idea the range of opportunity that awaits you once you graduate high school and leave home, after a few years you can't help but realize the silliness of it and how trivial it really was.

So no worries chum.

 

[Caspertjuhh]

Talk to people at school. You'd be surprised how many guys havent had a girlfriend.

 

[RocksW]

If I were you I would try get a part time job in a big shop, preferably with mostly youngish people as the main staff. Its actually a great outlet, you're kind of forced to talk to people but the best thing is they're forced to talk to you too! If you're in any way nice to people (which im sure you are) you'll get on with everyone there. Doesnt matter if you're quiet and feel like part of the scenery in school, doesnt matter if you feel you're boring. (you're not btw.) In a job you'll get the chance to express yourself to the people around you a LOT more.

You'll learn to value yourself in the REAL world, which has a knock on effect for school and everything. Finding a GF included.

 

[Stormz]

You may want to consider professional help. :3

Can I ask why your self esteem is bad? I can understand your condition, in a general standpoint (I do not have it, but I have seen how it can dictate someones actions and what they do/don't do) and for that I'd say it's tougher for you to do certain things then others, but I think the biggest issue may be your self esteem. Generally, social interaction requires you to present yourself to others, and in turn if you don't feel particularly well about who you are, then you most likely won't feel very comfortable around others because of how you see yourself, to a degree anyways. So yeah, what's up with your self esteem if you do not mind me asking?

The main reason is probably bullying that I dealt with through grades 2-7. That's why I left school in the first place. Though I also think it's just kind of who I am. I'm a negative person so have always had a lower opinion of myself then normal. I am trying to fix that but it's hard because of how long I've been like this. Therapy where I live is actually hard to get. We don't have many people who do that apparently so waiting lists are insanely huge.

You have to understand that bullies usually do what they do to feel better about themselves, not because you are some low or worthless person. Bullies often target people who have things they want deep down, or just people who can be pushed around easily. I do not think it has a lot to do with you, so once you understand why these things happened, and that they aren't due to anything relating to you, I think you can then use that positive encouragement and realization to push forward and see yourself in a new light. I've been bullied before, quite a bit actually, and when I found out why exactly I felt quite relieved.

Yeah I get that. It's still hard to believe that all of them would be like that. Some of them have to be doing it just because they're bad people. I knew ones that had a pretty normal family life, or at least didn't have a bad one and also had friends so I see no reason why they'd treat me horribly. It's all in the past, but evidently it has had a long term impact on me and it's something I really need to work on. That said I have made improvements and really am hoping to make some friends in my school before I leave in the next 1-2 years.