Little help with a relationship problem.

[Dragonblade146]

Okay as it turns out, there is a situation.

The girl I have been dating for almost a year now, has decided to drop a bomb, and tell me that she wants to get her life on track, (We both have ended up doing really stupid things and pretty much ruined our chances.), and she told me she can't do that and love me at the same time.

Well, unfortunetly, I didn't take it to well, and ended up flipping kittens on her, basically telling her that she was a ***** about it and that if she wants to get her life back on track, and not have me in it she got her wish. (For the record, I have been trying to as well, I'm not some lazy bum that would mouch off her.), and now it seems I just screwed things even worse and I'm feeling like the biggest asshole after I stormed out of her apartment, and ended up going to mine.

I don't know if there is anything I can do to salvage this, so I figured I'd ask the escapist community, if they had any peices of advice. Be it that its over and I need to move on, or if you have some miricale advice that could fix this.

 

[Gxas]

Why can't you be in her life if she wants to straighten it out? In my mind, if someone is worth it, you'll work through anything for them.

My two cents, at least.

 

[Blow_Pop]

Why can't you be in her life if she wants to straighten it out? In my mind, if someone is worth it, you'll work through anything for them.

My two cents, at least.

I have to agree. Unless this person is toxic to you.....or you are toxic to her.... I have a friend who we are toxic to each other when we try and get our lives back on track but....

 

[Dragonblade146]

Why can't you be in her life if she wants to straighten it out? In my mind, if someone is worth it, you'll work through anything for them.

My two cents, at least.

I really don't know. That was part of my little freakout, but being an idiot I am, I didn't end up actually talking like a normal being.
I ended up yelling and being an asshole bout it... In hindsight, just another one of my failures.

 

[Innegativeion]

Well, I admittedly don't have much experience in this sort of situation, but here's what I'd do.

As soon as possible, try to get in contact with her and apologize for the outburst. Make sure to explain why you acted like you did (I presume because you felt her decision to break up was so abrupt and/or unexplained). It shouldn't be hard for her to understand. The way you tell it, it doesn't seem like she offered you much of an explanation.

I really don't know. That was part of my little freakout, but being an idiot I am, I didn't end up actually talking like a normal being.
I ended up yelling and being an asshole bout it... In hindsight, just another one of my failures.

Be sure to tell HER that. Try and make her understand. She made you upset, you couldn't think straight, and now you want to make things right, now that you've settled down.

And provided she's willing to listen to you, I'd ask her to explain why exactly your relationship is a detriment to the two of you getting your lives on track. Surely it can't JUST be because she "can't love (you) at the same time".

Anyway, that's what I'd do, if I was really into this girl.

 

[Dragonblade146]

Well, I admittedly don't have much experience in this sort of situation, but here's what I'd do.

As soon as possible, try to get in contact with her and apologize for the outburst. Make sure to explain why you acted like you did (I presume because you felt her decision to break up was so abrupt and/or unexplained). It shouldn't be hard for her to understand. The way you tell it, it doesn't seem like she offered you much of an explanation.

I really don't know. That was part of my little freakout, but being an idiot I am, I didn't end up actually talking like a normal being.
I ended up yelling and being an asshole bout it... In hindsight, just another one of my failures.

Be sure to tell HER that. Try and make her understand. She made you upset, you couldn't think straight, and now you want to make things right, now that you've settled down.

And provided she's willing to listen to you, I'd ask her to explain why exactly your relationship is a detriment to the two of you getting your lives on track. Surely it can't JUST be because she "can't love (you) at the same time".

Anyway, that's what I'd do, if I was really into this girl.

I think I should give it a day.
To try and contact her, I know her and I know the fact if I call she will just ignore it.

I like this idea too, to sit down and talk with her to try and have her understand what I meant, and hopefully be able to work it back out. The only problem is getting this chance. I just don't understand why she can't do that. We had been working together to fix our lives together, and it was going great. We both got jobs, helped each other out. Got our own apartments, and she was even going to move in with me next month.

It makes no sense to me.

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

Well you're not going to get anywhere by staying away. If there is still anything you can do then do it before it's too late. Call her, if she won't pick up then keep calling her till she listens. Apologise for losing it with her, and apologise for whatever the reason was why she wanted to finish with you in the first place, etc. etc.

In short, if you still want her then do whatever it goddamn takes! If that still isn't enough, then it's over, but at least you were the one trying to save it. Call her. Trust me, you'll regret it if you don't.

 

[bobmus]

(This should probably be in the advice forum, but understandable if you're not really worrying about it right now)
If you've got over your initial reaction and are all good with everything just go apologise and tell her how you feel. Apologies are always a good idea.

 

[Dragonblade146]

(This should probably be in the advice forum, but understandable if you're not really worrying about it right now)
If you've got over your initial reaction and are all good with everything just go apologise and tell her how you feel. Apologies are always a good idea.

I was unaware they even have one...

And well, I'm trying I have tried everything. Calling, text. You name it. But would it be a good idea to driv back down there and talk to her about it? I don't think it would be.

Well you're not going to get anywhere by staying away. If there is still anything you can do then do it before it's too late. Call her, if she won't pick up then keep calling her till she listens. Apologise for losing it with her, and apologise for whatever the reason was why she wanted to finish with you in the first place, etc. etc.

In short, if you still want her then do whatever it goddamn takes! If that still isn't enough, then it's over, but at least you were the one trying to save it. Call her. Trust me, you'll regret it if you don't.

You know what, you are right. I will try whatever it takes. I think I should just go back down there, she already hasn't answered the 2 times I have called right now.

 

[Gxas]

Call her, if she won't pick up then keep calling her till she listens.

Don't do this. I've done this. It worsens the situation.

Call once. If she doesn't pick up, then leave a message calmly stating that you'd like to talk to her. Be brief, but let her know that it would mean a lot to you if she would give you the chance to explain.

If she doesn't respond after two days, try again. Same deal.

If, after five days, you get nothing, give up. She isn't worth it after that.

 

[beniki]

Step 1: Apologise.

Explain why you flipped out on her. If you can't articulate it, don't try to. Think about it first, and then go talk to her.

Ask why she thinks you can't be around. It might be some silly romantic notion, or some idea planted by family/friends. It might even be something you agree with, which will suck, but you'll just have to be an adult about it and walk away.

If you don't agree, set out your reasons why you should be together. Why are you good for each other? How can you help each other get out the mess you're in? What kind of future will you have with each other?

That's what I'd do anyway.

 

[silent_noir_67]

I don't know if there is anything I can do to salvage this, so I figured I'd ask the escapist community, if they had any peices of advice. Be it that its over and I need to move on, or if you have some miricale advice that could fix this.

First off I'd probably apologize to her for freaking and calling her a *****. That might help remedy things a tiny bit, and then I think you guys should really have a talk about where you're both going and what you both want. If she thinks that she "can't love you" while she gets her life back on track then she probably thinks that you and her don't see eye to eye on some things that she'll be trying to change or something, but I think that if you do want to try and work things out you should be dedicated to changing as well and getting your life straight too.

It sounds like you really care for this girl and I think that at least trying to communicate and sort things out is worth a shot, but that's just me

 

[bombadilillo]

OP how old are you?

 

[Dragonblade146]

OP how old are you?

20.

First off I'd probably apologize to her for freaking and calling her a *****. That might help remedy things a tiny bit, and then I think you guys should really have a talk about where you're both going and what you both want. If she thinks that she "can't love you" while she gets her life back on track then she probably thinks that you and her don't see eye to eye on some things that she'll be trying to change or something, but I think that if you do want to try and work things out you should be dedicated to changing as well and getting your life straight too.

It sounds like you really care for this girl and I think that at least trying to communicate and sort things out is worth a shot, but that's just me

Yes, thatson the top of my list. Apolgizing for calling her a *****. Hopefully I will be able to talk to her, figure out what is messed between us and what happened about what we wanted.

And yes, I really do.

Step 1: Apologise.

Explain why you flipped out on her. If you can't articulate it, don't try to. Think about it first, and then go talk to her.

Ask why she thinks you can't be around. It might be some silly romantic notion, or some idea planted by family/friends. It might even be something you agree with, which will suck, but you'll just have to be an adult about it and walk away.

If you don't agree, set out your reasons why you should be together. Why are you good for each other? How can you help each other get out the mess you're in? What kind of future will you have with each other?

That's what I'd do anyway.

Thank you.
Thank you for the list I should put and articulate into words on. To talk to her abot it, what needs to b done... and in the worst case, take it well and just accept it.

 

[MelasZepheos_v1legacy]

Give up and respect her wishes. Let it go and remember the good old days.

There's not much else to say. If she's decided to move on with her life, and decided that doing so doesn't involve you, there's not much more you should do than accept that. It would be the same as saying you want to move on from High School but then spending every day with your old classmates, you wouldn't be able to move on properly even if you wanted to.

It might not be what you want, but if you really like her, then you'll let her go.

 

[bombadilillo]

I assume she is about the same age huh? Let me tell you. I spent years, YEARS at that age trying to salvage my tainted relationship of the time. Psychologically peoples personalities dont become fixed until around 25. (and still can change after) but you can learn about that in a psych class. The point is, she may REALLY need to rethink herself. As in, she doesnt think/feel the same way she used to. It is nothing on you. People grow apart, especially at this age.

Of course I think you should apologize. But dont harass her to do it. 1 voicemail could do it.

However. It is the hardest thing in the world to let someone go you love(d). I wish I could make you see that it will all work out, probably without her in the future.

For what its worth. I can promise you 100% if you let her go your future will be bright.

Take some time and figure yourself out too.


I personally can look to my beautiful daughters and wife I dont ever fight with and be glad I finally ended my past cyclical destructive relationship.

 

[Dragonblade146]

(This should probably be in the advice forum, but understandable if you're not really worrying about it right now)
If you've got over your initial reaction and are all good with everything just go apologise and tell her how you feel. Apologies are always a good idea.

I was unaware they even have one...

And well, I'm trying I have tried everything. Calling, text. You name it. But would it be a good idea to driv back down there and talk to her about it? I don't think it would be.

Well you're not going to get anywhere by staying away. If there is still anything you can do then do it before it's too late. Call her, if she won't pick up then keep calling her till she listens. Apologise for losing it with her, and apologise for whatever the reason was why she wanted to finish with you in the first place, etc. etc.

In short, if you still want her then do whatever it goddamn takes! If that still isn't enough, then it's over, but at least you were the one trying to save it. Call her. Trust me, you'll regret it if you don't.

You know what, you are right. I will try whatever it takes. I think I should just go back down there, she already hasn't answered the 2 times I have called right now.

That's called being a stalker. Back off if you want to have any hope at all of ever talking to her again.

Give her some time, then call ONCE more, be polite, leave a message.

And before you even do that, be honest with yourself about what her reasons probably are. What do you two do together? Is it productive and positive? Or did you two, for example, do drugs together? Spend your free time at bars? Something criminal? It's often true that if you have a habit of bad behavior with someone it is near impossible to break that pattern when you are still with the person that might tempt you into that old habit. First thing they tell drug users, for example, is to dump their drug buddies.

We both ended up screwing our lives. Droppin out of school, doing weed almost everyday until about a year ago when we started dating. We both took comfort in each other and then we just started to be there more and more for each other...

I think I know why now.
That it was just that. Comfort between each other and the leaning on. But when all is said and done its over.

 

[sassafrasses]

I say you two need to just sit down and talk it out. Maybe you guys can't/shouldn't be together right now, but maybe down the road. Something similar happened to my ex and me. He was actually toxic to and for me - my health: physical, mental, and emotional. He was controlling and just bad for me all around. Anyway, he joined the army and after his training, he had 2 weeks home before going to Germany. Night before he leaves, he tells me he just wants to be friends and single. He gets over there, basically acts like we're still dating and whatnot. I had been friends with this other guy, and things started looking up with me and him (the other guy) and we were talking about trying a relationship out. A few months ago my ex, emails me and tells me to move on because he did. He calls the next day and tells me "I hooked up with a girl at the bar last weekend." I was shocked because that wasn't like him, but whatever we weren't together and I had this other guy I was (and still am) EXTREMELY interested in. So my ex said he still wanted to be friends and didn't to lose me out of his life and all that, so I agreed. This past Monday, the new girl he's been sleeping with tries to start a fight with me and is insulting me on his facebook wall and everything. I contacted my ex and told him what happened, and he was still at work so he couldn't talk. I sent the girl a VERY polite facebook message asking her what I did to deserve that because she doesnt know me and I havent insulted her to herself or anyone else and have never talked to her before this incident. Needless to say, she wanted to be a ***** and insult me even more and whatever. My ex called after work and basically sided with her and I said "Fuck this I'm done. I dont need to hear about your sex life with her anymore either." So I hang up and he proscedes to text me insulting things about me and this other guy I've been seeing. What happens now is I've been trying to contact his command to get him and her for harassment because he's been telling me about their sex life and her for about a month, even after I've asked him "please stop sending me pictures of you 2" and "please stop talking about it."

As for the new guy, he's not completely over his ex. She said she wanted to be friends a few months ago, after crushing him a year ago, he told her "I dont know" and she turned around and hurt him again. Right now, the poor guy doesn't even want to try continuing this with me because he's so upset over her. So if anyone has any suggestions on how to handle this, I'd be happy to hear them.

Basically, I'm going to tell you the same thing my cousin said for me to do. "Give him some space for now. He'll call within a week." So, give her some space, and contact her when you're both calmer, like give it a day or so. If she's meant to be in your life, she'll come back around and you guys will be able to work it out. If not, well then it was never true love and you haven't found the one.

Sorry, I'm only trying to give both sides here I guess... I mean it could go either way. But I hope it works out for you!

 

[AgentNein]

Apologize, and give her the space she needs. It's all you can do, and what you should do.

Good luck with everything though, however it goes I hope it goes alright.