Little help with a relationship problem.

[Arif_Sohaib]

Okay as it turns out, there is a situation.

The girl I have been dating for almost a year now, has decided to drop a bomb, and tell me that she wants to get her life on track, (We both have ended up doing really stupid things and pretty much ruined our chances.), and she told me she can't do that and love me at the same time.

Well, unfortunetly, I didn't take it to well, and ended up flipping kittens on her, basically telling her that she was a ***** about it and that if she wants to get her life back on track, and not have me in it she got her wish. (For the record, I have been trying to as well, I'm not some lazy bum that would mouch off her.), and now it seems I just screwed things even worse and I'm feeling like the biggest asshole after I stormed out of her apartment, and ended up going to mine.

I don't know if there is anything I can do to salvage this, so I figured I'd ask the escapist community, if they had any peices of advice. Be it that its over and I need to move on, or if you have some miricale advice that could fix this.

Do not apologize, you were right to be infuriated about such an abrupt thing. Look at the other threads about girls complaining about harassment and other stuff. Why should men apologize so quickly? Do not allow her to control you like a puppet, you can get someone better. Show some respect for yourself.

 

[sassafrasses]

Okay as it turns out, there is a situation.

The girl I have been dating for almost a year now, has decided to drop a bomb, and tell me that she wants to get her life on track, (We both have ended up doing really stupid things and pretty much ruined our chances.), and she told me she can't do that and love me at the same time.

Well, unfortunetly, I didn't take it to well, and ended up flipping kittens on her, basically telling her that she was a ***** about it and that if she wants to get her life back on track, and not have me in it she got her wish. (For the record, I have been trying to as well, I'm not some lazy bum that would mouch off her.), and now it seems I just screwed things even worse and I'm feeling like the biggest asshole after I stormed out of her apartment, and ended up going to mine.

I don't know if there is anything I can do to salvage this, so I figured I'd ask the escapist community, if they had any peices of advice. Be it that its over and I need to move on, or if you have some miricale advice that could fix this.

Do not apologize, you were right to be infuriated about such an abrupt thing. Look at the other threads about girls complaining about harassment and other stuff. Why should men apologize so quickly? Do not allow her to control you like a puppet, you can get someone better. Show some respect for yourself.

Because someone has to be the bigger person! I'm a woman, not complaining about harassment and/or whatever. I just get upset when men abuse the woman they're with! I'm not saying he's abusing the girl, I'm just speaking from experience. My ex was abusive and controlling and treated me like a puppet. This guy does not seem to be doing that at all. Both people need to apologize and sit down and try to work it out. It might not be so abrupt. We don't have her side, we only have his. I'm sorry but it's stuff like this that upsets me. We get half the story, and of course someone's going to go on about how it's all the woman's fault in this case, when really, it might be NO ONES FAULT! No one might be to blame here for this! If it's not working, it's not working! Either way, they both need to sit down and calmly explain to each other how they're feeling. If they can work it out then great for them! If not, then they'll have to move on. They're going to do what's right for them no matter what anyone of us internet people have to say about it.

 

[Arif_Sohaib]

Okay as it turns out, there is a situation.

The girl I have been dating for almost a year now, has decided to drop a bomb, and tell me that she wants to get her life on track, (We both have ended up doing really stupid things and pretty much ruined our chances.), and she told me she can't do that and love me at the same time.

Well, unfortunetly, I didn't take it to well, and ended up flipping kittens on her, basically telling her that she was a ***** about it and that if she wants to get her life back on track, and not have me in it she got her wish. (For the record, I have been trying to as well, I'm not some lazy bum that would mouch off her.), and now it seems I just screwed things even worse and I'm feeling like the biggest asshole after I stormed out of her apartment, and ended up going to mine.

I don't know if there is anything I can do to salvage this, so I figured I'd ask the escapist community, if they had any peices of advice. Be it that its over and I need to move on, or if you have some miricale advice that could fix this.

Do not apologize, you were right to be infuriated about such an abrupt thing. Look at the other threads about girls complaining about harassment and other stuff. Why should men apologize so quickly? Do not allow her to control you like a puppet, you can get someone better. Show some respect for yourself.

Because someone has to be the bigger person! I'm a woman, not complaining about harassment and/or whatever. I just get upset when men abuse the woman they're with! I'm not saying he's abusing the girl, I'm just speaking from experience. My ex was abusive and controlling and treated me like a puppet. This guy does not seem to be doing that at all. Both people need to apologize and sit down and try to work it out. It might not be so abrupt. We don't have her side, we only have his. I'm sorry but it's stuff like this that upsets me. We get half the story, and of course someone's going to go on about how it's all the woman's fault in this case, when really, it might be NO ONES FAULT! No one might be to blame here for this! If it's not working, it's not working! Either way, they both need to sit down and calmly explain to each other how they're feeling. If they can work it out then great for them! If not, then they'll have to move on. They're going to do what's right for them no matter what anyone of us internet people have to say about it.

Honestly tell me if this was a woman asking for advice here about the same thing would you really tell her to apologize.
I have the unfortunate habit of reading the Dawn Newspaper's Sunday Magazine during electricity loadsheding hours at times and that magazine has an advice column written by a woman and I have noticed that this bigoted woman gives different advice to men and woman for the same problem and what I said to this guy is exactly what she would say to a woman in the same situation and would tell the guy to apologize in the exact same situation. Reading that column makes me angry so I want men to stand up for themselves and not take the abuses of a controlling woman.

 

[Lilani]

Okay as it turns out, there is a situation.

The girl I have been dating for almost a year now, has decided to drop a bomb, and tell me that she wants to get her life on track, (We both have ended up doing really stupid things and pretty much ruined our chances.), and she told me she can't do that and love me at the same time.

Well, unfortunetly, I didn't take it to well, and ended up flipping kittens on her, basically telling her that she was a ***** about it and that if she wants to get her life back on track, and not have me in it she got her wish. (For the record, I have been trying to as well, I'm not some lazy bum that would mouch off her.), and now it seems I just screwed things even worse and I'm feeling like the biggest asshole after I stormed out of her apartment, and ended up going to mine.

I don't know if there is anything I can do to salvage this, so I figured I'd ask the escapist community, if they had any peices of advice. Be it that its over and I need to move on, or if you have some miricale advice that could fix this.

Just wait a while for things to cool off and tell her how you feel. Go to her and say you just want to talk, not argue. It's a little difficult to give advice beyond that without knowing what the problem is.

However, if you are toxic to her as one person said, then it might be time to let her have quite a bit of time on her own to sort things out. The way it sounds, it seems she feels there is something about you or maybe even the company you keep that brings out parts of her she doesn't like. You said you two have done "stupid things," so maybe she feels you don't feel the same as her and will go back again, dragging her with you. Or it may not even be that--maybe she just wants a fresh start to totally clear the air, so she can start anew without having anything in her life that may make her look back.

-snip-

But really, looking at this situation and the information the OP has given us, what has she done wrong? Break up with him? Is that really some offense that requires apology? Breakups happen all the time. Unless she broke up with him by publicly humiliating him or breaking every window in his house, taking into account just this situation she isn't in the wrong.

He could have handled the situation better. And even if he doesn't feel he's wrong, he should say sorry anyway. That is what relationships are about--forgiveness and compromise. Apologizing to show that you understand they are hurt, even if you don't think you've done anything wrong.

 

[sassafrasses]

Okay as it turns out, there is a situation.

The girl I have been dating for almost a year now, has decided to drop a bomb, and tell me that she wants to get her life on track, (We both have ended up doing really stupid things and pretty much ruined our chances.), and she told me she can't do that and love me at the same time.

Well, unfortunetly, I didn't take it to well, and ended up flipping kittens on her, basically telling her that she was a ***** about it and that if she wants to get her life back on track, and not have me in it she got her wish. (For the record, I have been trying to as well, I'm not some lazy bum that would mouch off her.), and now it seems I just screwed things even worse and I'm feeling like the biggest asshole after I stormed out of her apartment, and ended up going to mine.

I don't know if there is anything I can do to salvage this, so I figured I'd ask the escapist community, if they had any peices of advice. Be it that its over and I need to move on, or if you have some miricale advice that could fix this.

Do not apologize, you were right to be infuriated about such an abrupt thing. Look at the other threads about girls complaining about harassment and other stuff. Why should men apologize so quickly? Do not allow her to control you like a puppet, you can get someone better. Show some respect for yourself.

Because someone has to be the bigger person! I'm a woman, not complaining about harassment and/or whatever. I just get upset when men abuse the woman they're with! I'm not saying he's abusing the girl, I'm just speaking from experience. My ex was abusive and controlling and treated me like a puppet. This guy does not seem to be doing that at all. Both people need to apologize and sit down and try to work it out. It might not be so abrupt. We don't have her side, we only have his. I'm sorry but it's stuff like this that upsets me. We get half the story, and of course someone's going to go on about how it's all the woman's fault in this case, when really, it might be NO ONES FAULT! No one might be to blame here for this! If it's not working, it's not working! Either way, they both need to sit down and calmly explain to each other how they're feeling. If they can work it out then great for them! If not, then they'll have to move on. They're going to do what's right for them no matter what anyone of us internet people have to say about it.

Honestly tell me if this was a woman asking for advice here about the same thing would you really tell her to apologize.
I have the unfortunate habit of reading the Dawn Newspaper's Sunday Magazine during electricity loadsheding hours at times and that magazine has an advice column written by a woman and I have noticed that this bigoted woman gives different advice to men and woman for the same problem and what I said to this guy is exactly what she would say to a woman in the same situation and would tell the guy to apologize in the exact same situation. Reading that column makes me angry so I want men to stand up for themselves and not take the abuses of a controlling woman.

And what about women taking the abuse from controlling men? An yes, if this was a woman Id still be saying apologize! No one has any right to hurt another person - physically, mentally, nor emotionally!

 

[aba1]

You could start by appolgising and maybe offering a gift to show some sincerity then just have a talk and work out a plan that works well for the both of you

 

[EinTheCorgi]

Ugh kids these days...Why can't you children have and keep your relationship and keep your lives straight at the same time? its not that hard...simply lysen to your parents namely your father and dont lysen to your friend because they just want to date the person your dateing. Honistly its not that hard to keep a relationship you just have to know who your dealing with.

 

[Dr. Feelgood]

If she's worth it, you'll apologize. If you're worth it, she'll accept.

 

[DevilWithaHalo]

It seems obvious she doesn't want to be with you. She bluntly stated that you are a problem in her life. I've done what you're thinking about doing, it isn't worth it. If she isn't willing to help improve both your lives through mutual efforts and understanding, it's not a relationship *either* of you should be in.

 

[MorgulMan]

First, the apologies. Explainations, etc. Don't make excuses for your behavior though. Accept that YOU lost control, and YOU said hurtful things. Make sure you do not try to assign blame for your behavior to what she said. Sometimes, syntax is everything.

Of course, if she won't pick up the phone, that's a problem. Don't keep calling. If you called soon after, then you're covered for not making her wait. If she didn't pick up, that was her decision. Continuing to call her over and over is just going to make her feel like you're invading her space. Ditto for trying to make a face-to-face confrontation without her permission. Besides putting her more on the defensive, this kind of aggressive strategy will just psych you up, til the first words out of your mouth are much more likely to be an accusation.

My suggestion is to leave her a voice message if you can, just saying that you are sorry, that you screwed up, and that you would like to talk. Ask her to call you, and tell her that you will respect her space by not calling anymore. If some time goes by and she doesn't call, then your best remaining option is to write her a letter. Tell her you're sorry, tell her how you feel, tell her why you think the relationship can work and can be good for both of you. Tell her that you care for her, and because of that, you understand that she needs to do what she thinks is best for her, and you will accept that. Thank her for the support, companionship, and care she has given you, and let her know that you will be there for her if she needs you. (I could go either way as to whether it would be better to mail it or to slip it under her door. Mail would be slower but safer, I think.)

Ultimately, accept that she may be right, and it may be over. She may need time alone to help herself, and you may be a bad influence, or a reminder of darker times that she can't cope with in her state of mind. And it may be what you need too. Either way, pursue your personal betterment in the meantime, and you'll be in a better place to handle whatever comes your way.

 

[Aur0ra145]

Break it off with her forever. Leave. Seriously, it might not feel like the right thing to do right now. But, it will end up being a lot better for you in the end.

 

[Pariah87]

I think you need to let this one go. If you actually care about her, you'll put her needs at top priority.

I don't know what you guys did to "fuck your lives up", that's not my business or the issue here. This girl wants to move on from that which is admirable. The problem is you are a part of her life which represents that time of messing around and letting both your lives fall down. If she wants to move on then she's going to need to leave you behind, to completely start afresh because if you are around a part of her will always be in the stage of her life she is trying to break away from.

It's shitty yes, but you are 20, these things happen and in the end they usually turn out better for both parties. It's difficult to accept that you may be holding someone back, or you are holding each other back. It hurts like hell, makes you feel like a fuck up, I know. It took me a while to accept it aswell. Now though, given time and hindsight, regardless of how much I cared for her and vice versa, it was the best thing for both of us as I'm sure it will be for you and others in your situation.

 

[Arif_Sohaib]

Okay as it turns out, there is a situation.

The girl I have been dating for almost a year now, has decided to drop a bomb, and tell me that she wants to get her life on track, (We both have ended up doing really stupid things and pretty much ruined our chances.), and she told me she can't do that and love me at the same time.

Well, unfortunetly, I didn't take it to well, and ended up flipping kittens on her, basically telling her that she was a ***** about it and that if she wants to get her life back on track, and not have me in it she got her wish. (For the record, I have been trying to as well, I'm not some lazy bum that would mouch off her.), and now it seems I just screwed things even worse and I'm feeling like the biggest asshole after I stormed out of her apartment, and ended up going to mine.

I don't know if there is anything I can do to salvage this, so I figured I'd ask the escapist community, if they had any peices of advice. Be it that its over and I need to move on, or if you have some miricale advice that could fix this.

Do not apologize, you were right to be infuriated about such an abrupt thing. Look at the other threads about girls complaining about harassment and other stuff. Why should men apologize so quickly? Do not allow her to control you like a puppet, you can get someone better. Show some respect for yourself.

Because someone has to be the bigger person! I'm a woman, not complaining about harassment and/or whatever. I just get upset when men abuse the woman they're with! I'm not saying he's abusing the girl, I'm just speaking from experience. My ex was abusive and controlling and treated me like a puppet. This guy does not seem to be doing that at all. Both people need to apologize and sit down and try to work it out. It might not be so abrupt. We don't have her side, we only have his. I'm sorry but it's stuff like this that upsets me. We get half the story, and of course someone's going to go on about how it's all the woman's fault in this case, when really, it might be NO ONES FAULT! No one might be to blame here for this! If it's not working, it's not working! Either way, they both need to sit down and calmly explain to each other how they're feeling. If they can work it out then great for them! If not, then they'll have to move on. They're going to do what's right for them no matter what anyone of us internet people have to say about it.

Honestly tell me if this was a woman asking for advice here about the same thing would you really tell her to apologize.
I have the unfortunate habit of reading the Dawn Newspaper's Sunday Magazine during electricity loadsheding hours at times and that magazine has an advice column written by a woman and I have noticed that this bigoted woman gives different advice to men and woman for the same problem and what I said to this guy is exactly what she would say to a woman in the same situation and would tell the guy to apologize in the exact same situation. Reading that column makes me angry so I want men to stand up for themselves and not take the abuses of a controlling woman.

And what about women taking the abuse from controlling men? An yes, if this was a woman Id still be saying apologize! No one has any right to hurt another person - physically, mentally, nor emotionally!

He got emotionally hurt and then stormed off what is there to appologize for. And I am still sure that if it was a woman you would tell her to respect herself and not appologize.
And controlling men get discussed a lot but even mentioning controlling women sends feminests into a frenzy. This happened in the Pakistani Parliment a female MPA asked to study the effects of abuse on rural women(a completely legitamte demand) when a male MPA demanded the same for urban men, she and all other female MPAs got into a frenzy and the next day he had to take back his remarks by saying it was a joke. You can look for it in Dawn's online archives.
Same with theat 11-year old kid recently. The 3 girls got away with it but if it was boys that would be unthinkable.
Do men not deserve equal respect?

 

[Arif_Sohaib]

Okay as it turns out, there is a situation.

The girl I have been dating for almost a year now, has decided to drop a bomb, and tell me that she wants to get her life on track, (We both have ended up doing really stupid things and pretty much ruined our chances.), and she told me she can't do that and love me at the same time.

Well, unfortunetly, I didn't take it to well, and ended up flipping kittens on her, basically telling her that she was a ***** about it and that if she wants to get her life back on track, and not have me in it she got her wish. (For the record, I have been trying to as well, I'm not some lazy bum that would mouch off her.), and now it seems I just screwed things even worse and I'm feeling like the biggest asshole after I stormed out of her apartment, and ended up going to mine.

I don't know if there is anything I can do to salvage this, so I figured I'd ask the escapist community, if they had any peices of advice. Be it that its over and I need to move on, or if you have some miricale advice that could fix this.

Just wait a while for things to cool off and tell her how you feel. Go to her and say you just want to talk, not argue. It's a little difficult to give advice beyond that without knowing what the problem is.

However, if you are toxic to her as one person said, then it might be time to let her have quite a bit of time on her own to sort things out. The way it sounds, it seems she feels there is something about you or maybe even the company you keep that brings out parts of her she doesn't like. You said you two have done "stupid things," so maybe she feels you don't feel the same as her and will go back again, dragging her with you. Or it may not even be that--maybe she just wants a fresh start to totally clear the air, so she can start anew without having anything in her life that may make her look back.

-snip-

But really, looking at this situation and the information the OP has given us, what has she done wrong? Break up with him? Is that really some offense that requires apology? Breakups happen all the time. Unless she broke up with him by publicly humiliating him or breaking every window in his house, taking into account just this situation she isn't in the wrong.

He could have handled the situation better. And even if he doesn't feel he's wrong, he should say sorry anyway. That is what relationships are about--forgiveness and compromise. Apologizing to show that you understand they are hurt, even if you don't think you've done anything wrong.

Read my other posts. If this was a woman you wouldn't be saying that.