Loneliness, neediness

[Siyano_v1legacy]

Hi, I'm currently getting more and more trouble with my emotional needs, through the years I never had a girlfriend (and barely any friends to say the least) and I grown out to feel that with all those years it get me harder and harder to try to, by myself, get dates or even have any actual contacts with a girl (I'm also higly awkard social). I feel like that most of the time it kills it because of what I do, I'm not really confindent looking, I tend to stare at breast and eventually creeps most girls, most of my activities are things that usually female don't do alot mostly, video games or board games. Even if for the very few chance I have to get a date, I feel like I blow it off because the girl feel my neediness and my clingingness, it seem that all I want is just A GIRL, to some extent, it seem to her that I have choosen her randomly or mostly just for her look.
Afterall I feel like it hard to change my self-confindence or to try to not just stare creepily on girl's breast and eventually just stay at home alone and feel alot of sorrow because I want to be loved and love someone.

I know there no magic trick to make girl wants you, I guess I just wanted to spread my pain and try to get some kind of opinions and comments
Thank

 

[ThriKreen]

Why are you letting yourself be defined by the person you're dating (or lack of)? Would you date someone that behaves as you do?

Try expanding your interests and hobbies. Don't do it with the hopes of hooking up with someone, do it for your own sake. Instead of spending time just playing games, try doing something with a worthwhile goal like making a game (board or video, doesn't matter).

If you want to build up confidence, you have to push yourself and accomplish a goal. Sure, initially you'll fail some of the time, but learn from it and keep at it, and that 1% chance will grow. As you get more successes, you'll feel and be more confident, and other people will eventually take notice.

Good luck!

 

[Siyano_v1legacy]

I'm not defined by the person I meet, I learn from what they say about me, either from being a good person, interesting, willing to talk and some othe quality.
your ssecond questions is quite hard to answer, would I date a girl that creepily stare at me? I don't know I never had that feeling
I really have a hard time to find new hobbies, I'm quite hard to please and I'm quite afraid to throw myself into social stuff I don't know, like going to dance course for example.
And talking about creating game, well I just started a board game prototype and I'm currently finishing a course in programming, game developement .
I think the push myself to accomplish goal is where it initially lacks, I barealy can find myself to accomplished anything because of the lack of motivation, needynessless or patience.

 

[Vegosiux]

I think the first goal you need to accomplish is just go out and get comfortable outside your own four walls. Now I'm the introverted kind who hates crowds myself, but I'm still a hockey fan and will never turn down an invitation to one, even if it means going to a place that's gonna be crowded with a couple thousand people - despite the fact that crowds usually make me uneasy, I still have a blast.

Second, don't start going out in order to pick up someone - that won't end well. Find something you enjoy and just enjoy yourself. Basically, it's easier to get used to outside if you do something you enjoy while at it.

Third....dating. Just...bleh. I don't get what all the fuss is about. Okay, so you meet someone new, you enjoy each other's company and decide to go for a cup of coffee or something...and then people go all "OMG a date!". If you think of it as just a cup of coffee with a pleasant person as opposed to some kind of a world shattering anomaly, it gets a lot less tense.

As for relationships? Well. Forcing yourself into one just because you want to be in one is generally a bad idea.

 

[Siyano_v1legacy]

go out? I know that, problem is I don't know where and most of the time it just suck to be somewhere (alone mostly) and don't know what to do, its get boring and you go back to home
I don't go out to find dates, I barely go out anyway ^^
I know forcing myself into a relation is bad, it just feel it very hard to not just jump on the first girl that may seem to be interested in me and cling to her...

 

[Rawberry101]

It's a lot easier to begin social contact through your own gender first. I'd suggest finding a few male friends through work or school. Movies/TV are a great way for guys to hang out, and you can do it from the comfort of your very own home! Grab a few drinks and sit on the couch for a game or a classic movie and you have some good times. Interacting with women will come along easier if you're used to interacting with more people in general.

Best of luck!

 

[Siyano_v1legacy]

I don't have trouble getting in contact with people around the thing I already do, the problem is throwing myself in a group I just don't know. for example getting in a dance course or whatsoever. I just feel im too scare to get in something I dont know if I am gonna like it and at the same be able to be confident

 

[royohz]

I know how you feel, bro. Well, somewhat anyway
I really understand that you are quite insecure about throwing yourself into a group of strangers. That's totally okay, too! But I think you have to look yourself in the mirror and say to yourself "What's the worst thing that could happen? Being rejected? So what?! If they don't like me or accept me, that's entirely their loss!" and "Is it worth the try and the time? Of course it is!". It's really an all-gain and no-lose situation. To build confidence, you need to get some experience. Any kind of experience is fantastic, it builds your character and it's very good for you. Go do a dance class if that's what you want! Don't think too much about it and don't get disheartened if it doesn't work out right away, all you have to do is face your fears and continue to throw yourself into it until you feel better, and then continue from there The reason experience is so important is because you can apply it to other situations, and that's the truth.

I know it's a hard thing to do. I really do. I speak from first-hand experience. It will probably take a little while, but it really will be worth it. And as I said, you have everything to gain, and nothing to lose! I hope it works out for you, bro. Now go out and have fun!

 

[Weaver]

Well, there's no magic bullet for these kinds of things. If you want and need something and are too scared to do whatever it takes, then you either face your fears and do it or continue suffering.

If you have to go out, but don't know where; you have to find out where. We can't decide this for you. We can give you advice, we can give you tools, we can give our opinions, but you're the one who has to use them to internalize change in yourself. I think most people are afraid of crowds. It's quite frightening to introduce yourself as an outsider to a group,

I see you're Canadian. Do you live in southern Ontario? If you need help just trying new things, I'll come pick you up and buy you a beer (provided you will not harvest my organs). We can just chat and I'll drive you home; the whole outing will be on my wallet. You'll have met a new person and have taken just one step and done something new.

 

[Siyano_v1legacy]

meh, I guess it just all about try it or suffer...
I feel a lot that I don't want to make the jump because of the money cost associated with X activity, I already did that couple of time where I lost some kind of money because I stoped or never continued activity named X, money can be a little bit of a problem right away, so it quite hard to say I want to spend 100$ of a new course of anything just to see if I'm gonna like it and support the fear of meeting new people.

AC10: well thanx for the invite but I live in Quebec, Quebec ^^

 

[royohz]

meh, I guess it just all about try it or suffer...
I feel a lot that I don't want to make the jump because of the money cost associated with X activity, I already did that couple of time where I lost some kind of money because I stoped or never continued activity named X, money can be a little bit of a problem right away, so it quite hard to say I want to spend 100$ of a new course of anything just to see if I'm gonna like it and support the fear of meeting new people.

It sort of is a try or suffer. But the way I see it, there are no reasons not to try. All gain, no lose

You are right, though. Money can be quite an issue. What about a picnic, going to the beach, bike rides, watch a movie (yarr) or other, simple social activities that are borderline inexpensive, cheap or free

 

[Weaver]

meh, I guess it just all about try it or suffer...
I feel a lot that I don't want to make the jump because of the money cost associated with X activity, I already did that couple of time where I lost some kind of money because I stoped or never continued activity named X, money can be a little bit of a problem right away, so it quite hard to say I want to spend 100$ of a new course of anything just to see if I'm gonna like it and support the fear of meeting new people.

AC10: well thanx for the invite but I live in Quebec, Quebec ^^

Quebec is certainly a bit of a drive for a weekend

I do realize the money concerns with things; but at the same time that's kind of life. I've spent a ton of money on things that I didn't stick with. For example, I got into DJing for awhile. I spent $800 on turntables, $200 on a mixer and probably another $150 on someone's used record lot. I haven't used them in probably 2 years (and they're currently in storage)

Oddly enough though, my biggest regret is more that I didn't stick with it than spending money on it. I guess trying to put it in perspective, a few hundred dollars or even a thousand over the course of your life just isn't something you're going to miss on your deathbed. However, you will almost absolutely regret passing up opportunities and new experiences later on.

I guess I just realized no experience is invaluable. If you take that course you were talking about and find out you didn't like it; at least now you know that kind of course just isn't for you. Right now it's a maybe, an unknown, a what if. Unfortunately, there is only one way to actually be 100% certain with things like this, and it's to just dive in and do it.

Now I'm not saying, if spending $100 on that course you mentioned will make it so you can't eat or will miss rent this month you should spend it. But if you have a some flexible dollars in the bank, I say go for it.

I realize I'm getting kind of further and further away from your original topic but I'd like to relay some of my own experiences and hopefully try to demonstrate the power of just trying things and saying "yes".

To start with, I made a post on here about how much I hate my job. I still do; but things were so much worse for me last holiday season. I was god damn depressed. I was out of shape, I ate like crap, I spent my time basically wasting it. I hated living and I just really felt bad about myself. Really bad. I felt worthless.

I had some free time for the 2011 holidays and I decided I was going to just spend my time relaxing, playing games, maybe watch some Anime. I found two things in a matter of a few weeks that completely charged my motivation. Now, a lot of people will probably be put off by this, or think it ridiculous. To be honest, it's kind of embarrassing but one tv show that really spoke to me was a (somewhat infamous) Anime called K-ON! It's a cute, moe anime about girls in high school who start a band.

What it's really about though, is life itself. About living life, about enjoying it; about taking it all at your speed and finding magic in everyday things. It's all very optimistic, but one thing it did for me what inspire me to pick up the guitar again. I sold my guitar years ago. I didn't have one in University because I simply had no space. It felt so good to play again, to make sound again. I don't think there's been a day since the start of January where I haven't at least picked it up to play some scales or a lick or two. It made me feel good, feel like I was building a skill; doing something constructive.

The second thing was Katawa Shoujo, the free to play visual novel. I picked it up on January 4th when it released. This game made me realize the power that I as an individual possessed over my own life. That a lot of my situation was putting hurdles on myself, excusing myself, getting down on myself and just basically working at so very little. "I'll fail" I thought, or "I'll do it tomorrow" or "I'm not good enough" or whatever. Playing this changed my outlook on things.

I didn't play video games for 2 and a half months after I completed KS. I started going to the gym. The first night, I got locked out of the gym (it's in a mall, it's weird setup) and I actually met a girl who was also starting that night, and who also couldn't figure out how to get in the damn building. We didn't really hit it off or anything, but this was a revelation for me; Getting out and doing stuff can allow me to meet people.

I can't say I go ALL the time, but I'm in much better shape now than I was in January. I was playing guitar seriously several times a week, trying to reach the level I was at before I quit (I've surpassed that now). I experimented with electronic music creation (I said I was a DJ before, I've always loved music and I was a raver for years and I loved electronic music too). I tried writing, I started saying yes to anyone who invited me out.

My friends play pen and paper RPGs. I never thought they were for me, but one day they invited me and I just said yes. I actually had a lot of fun.

The point is, these two pieces of media combined (and yes, I do know they're entirely fictional) helped me so much to instigate change. Internal, personal "because I want to" change. I feel better about myself than I did then, but my next biggest (and final) block is my job. I need a new one, and it will happen because I know I have the power to make it happen.

Now, I'm not saying you should go out and watch this or play that; what I'm saying is it will help so much if you can find a source of inspiration. Because at the end of the day, you're the one who has to do things for yourself. I went on a whirlwind when I found that inspiration, searching for what I actually enjoy in life and striving to become who you want to be, and my journey is far from over.

Anyway, I know this doesn't exactly help you with your women trouble but if you can take something away from this it's don't think you can't, because you can. Try things, experience life and, in the words of Nietzsche, "become who you are".

 

[Siyano_v1legacy]

It not that I don't have 100$ to spend to find a new hobby, the thing is I can't take the loose of 100$ if I don't like that particular activity because I don't have a lot of money right away.
The thing about doing random activity like biking is after 1 hour or so I feel bored and still lonely, its doesn't really make me meet people more that just the random other biker that I may encounter

 

[J Tyran]

The first thing you need to have a think about about is making your mind up about what you want. You seem to crave female company more than just expanding your social situation. You need to decide if you actually want female company or just want the contents of their pants. You need to be honest with yourself about your motives, if you crave the latter you might want to look into alternatives. There are ways to achieve that, some more expensive than others. I will leave it to your imagination to figure out what those might be.

If its company after all you need to look into ways of getting social with either gender. One important thing about social contact is you need to remember its like everything else in life, you only learn by doing. People do not come pre-programmed with social skills, some are naturally more adept at it and learn quicker but others might find it more difficult. If you think back to any activity you enjoy and are good at, what would have happened if you just gave up at the first point of failure? You would have missed out on something you enjoy, its the same with social skills. You think you are bad at it so you make yourself more anxious and are perhaps more critical of yourself than you need to be.

Just "getting out there" is hard though, you need to overcome your own anxieties first of all. The easiest way to do this is by taking baby steps, starting a whole new hobby or launching yourself into a circle of strangers will almost certainly fail. Start out by asking someone you know well and share an interest with something like "hey do you want to hang out and watch sport/play a CCG/or whatever else".

Just hang out with people for a short amount of time, don't overdo it and see if any kind of friendship grows. If it goes well you have a good example to remind yourself about any time you get anxious. From there you might either get introduced to their friends or you can widen any hobby interests that you do have. But always remember take it slow, let things develop their own way and in the name of the flying spaghetti monster stop staring at boobs! (the alternatives I suggested might get you over that quirk perhaps)

If you still find yourself getting nowhere think about getting professional help to get you over the anxiety problems.

 

[Galletea]

I think you are trying to run before you can walk.

What I recommend is going out and hanging out with people. If you like board games then you must know some people, see if a few of them want to go out. Get them to bring friends maybe, then you can build up your confidence a bit more gradually by meeting the 'friend of a friend' rather than going straight for the ladies and ending up with social awkwardness.
The chances are, that way you're more likely discover a lady with something in common with you, someone that you might actually get along with. Looking for a girl will never get you anywhere, if you find one, what are the chances you'll still like each other in a few weeks?

Start with friends, build up your confidence, then meet some new people and see where it takes you.

 

[Siyano_v1legacy]

Well from what I understand there nothing much I can do more than I already do, I slowly try to integrate into more and more board game groups and eventually I guess I would have to test the few free starting course some place can give but its still quite hard to just enter a group you dont know in a field you are not that at ease thus making me anxious and not want to do it

I still thank you all for the comment and everything

 

[Gameslayer_93]

i'm afraid the best advice i can offer is to tell your existing friends about this, particularly if they aren't as socially awkward as you. I went through the exact same thing a couple of years back and i found that simply by hanging out with a sociable friend, i met tons of new people, whereas if i met a new person without a friend by my side i turned into the stereotypical awkward lonely geek with a stammer.

 

[SoundByte]

i'm afraid the best advice i can offer is to tell your existing friends about this, particularly if they aren't as socially awkward as you. I went through the exact same thing a couple of years back and i found that simply by hanging out with a sociable friend, i met tons of new people, whereas if i met a new person without a friend by my side i turned into the stereotypical awkward lonely geek with a stammer.

^^^ This. I went through the same thing a few years back coming out of high school. One of my friends was a really outward sort of guy and I just hung around him for a while (at his invitation of course, never ever force yourself onto someone) and after a while it becomes habit by proxy. Women were still a different matter, but after gaining confidence to talk to women without coming across as the creeper kind of guy, started to try some internet dating (eharmony). Sounds really gay but meh, i made a smegload of new female friends and eventually met my now fiance who is as much, if not more, into video games and nerdy stuff as I am. Without the confidence to talk to her though, never would have met her. It's always down to confidence, if you're not happy with who your are then no one else will be. You always gotta come first mate. That being said never force yourself to be what and who you arn't.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Get a job in retail. It will change you and force you to interact with the public and coworkers. You'll develop a personality and you'll be able to read people a lot better. Granted, it will suck a lot, but sometimes practice and exercise is painful and difficult. It's not a guarantee for more friends, but it might give you the tools to be able to interact with people. No one can really help you with it. It's all you.

Dating sites can work, but you have to be 100% awesome and outgoing in order for anyone to pay attention to you. Make your page look as though you're funny, smart, and brilliant. Write to girls like you're striking up a real conversation, not just "hey notice me because I'm here and lonely." Treat everyone as a potential acquaintance, not a potential friend or girlfriend. Put in the time and work. Read profiles carefully.